Michelle ~ I may not have chatted with you before much but you are really a light on these forums and such an inspirational woman. It was hard for me to go through and read this thread and know how you are struggling. Just know that the 3FC community is here for you.
You look gorgeous! Your weight is not the problem at all. I have known overweight friends that stayed in abusive relationships because they thought they 'deserved' to not be treated well because of their weight and it really hurt for me and all my friends to see the pain they went through. You need to recognize that you are a beautiful, unique woman that deserves to be fully respected and loved through thick and thin/good and bad times. I can't tell you to 'get out' of your situation --- it seems so simple for all of us watching from the outside. I guess what I want to tell you is --- are you truly happy? Imagine your life 10 years from now? Would you want that life 10 years from now? Sit down and take the time to write down your dreams and your goals in life other than weight loss. It is possible for you to achieve your dreams and if your dream is to be loved unconditionally it will happen --you need to start to love yourself unconditionally and take the steps to live the life that you deserve to live.
If you are scared in any way there are places you can call for help - I hope to not offend you but I just want to make you aware that you have the ability to get out of a bad situation if need be.
If you need help or advice about anything I'm here to help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I actually went through the whole apartment thing too with my ex... though he at first TRIED to make it seem like it was my place too... it quickly became evident that deep down inside he didn't really think of it that way. And what's even weirder.... we went through the whole church thing too! I was REALLY trying to find an out... find myself... make myself better in AND out.... and when I told him about it, and requested a ride to church on Sundays, he literally couldnt' have been more put out and practically ridiculed me for it. He even had the nerve to start on his uber-nerd Atheist crap. As I told him... I respect his opinions.... but he needed to respect mine too!
What became apparent to me, at that time, was that we were obviously very very different people and he really held no respect for my needs and wants. Unless I changed to his way of thinking... he'd pretend they weren't even there.
Everyone here is right... there has to a be a change for you. There is a way, that's for sure. It's just a matter of realizing it, what it is, finding a way to achieve it, and not giving up on what you deserve! And with as good as you've done in other areas of your..... I think you could rock that!
Last edited by starfishkitty; 09-07-2009 at 07:27 AM.
I've been reading and more of a lurker the last few days, but wanted to chime in that I hope you did have your talk with your guy and I hope it went well. It is 100% important to get your feelings out for you personally and for your relationship.
I personally am in a situation that I find complex, but I won't go into that much detail. The thing is that I taught my boyfriend how to treat me by pushing him away and I mean literally...meaning not being touched at all. Not going out of the apartment, in fact I stayed in for years and I still do at times, but I do make myself go out into the world even if it is hard for me at times. Basically I taught him how to treat me and when I started living again, changing, I found that changing and reteaching him how to treat me was really a challenge. Saying "hey I don't like how you treat me" was really scary and I really had to fight to get my voice heard and in a way i still do. I'm generalizing as there are some things that he does that I didn't "teach" him, but my point is that I didn't say anything for so long when I feel I should have.
Dealing with the "games" that my boyfriend would and still does play when we try to talk about things can be a struggle, but for now I've made a commitment to working on things with my guy and things are a lot better, though it was pretty negative there for awhile and still is at times. I'm regaining my independence and that is a hard thing to do. Baby steps really. I can't even drive a car lol. I know how to drive, but I don't have a little piece of paper that says I can. So, I'm in my current apartment a lot lol and there are times I feel trapped, but then I remind myself that I can change this, I can do it, my happiness is important. Change is scary...but essential for so many wonderful reasons.
I hope that you continue to find your voice. It NEEDS to be heard. Your happiness and you are number one here. I do think you are regaining your independence too and I think some of the things you've described, I have felt as well almost "dejavu."
I've been following this thread too, and I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this crap. He shouldn't be like that at all. Everyone has given you such wonderful advice.
Okay the update on the "talk". Before I start that, I will say that 1- I just barely woke and 2- it was really very emotional for me so if this comes out jumbled and confused it will only reflect how I feel on the inside. Now grab a snack and a drink and hold on for the ride.
After he got in from work and got settled down, I told him I needed to talk to him, not argue or fight but talk. I told him I wanted him to let me know what about me made him think it is okay to make me feel like I am nobody. He did his annoyed heavy sigh so I knew then this probably wasn't gonna go as I hoped. I did continue on. I told him that when I first got here, I was in a very bad physical and emotional state and yes I was very difficult. I stayed in the bedroom a lot crying and I would start fights in the middle of the night for no other reason except I was scared because I had left everything I knew, even if it had been bad, to be 1800 miles away with a man whom I had lied to for 5 years on the net. But I also told him that a year and a half later I have changed..a lot..A LOT. I have lost 140 pounds, I have quit smoking because he said "we" needed to because of money issues though he hasn yet to quit, I quit taking my BCs. Right now, I am at the bare minimum for any necessities...clothes and food. I sit here day in and day out feeling alone even when he is home and in the same room as me. I get reprimanded for giving out "his address" and "his phone number". He has an excuse always as to why I can never go to the store with him. Though I did make it clear when I got here I did not want to meet anyone, now that I have told him I am ready, he still refuses to let me meet his son and parents. ****, even his ex eife knows about me and called yelling at him because he hasn't told his son. But that is beside the point, we didn't mention that last night. So I calmly talk to him about how I feel and all the sacrifices and changes I feel I have made and still make for him while on his end of things nothing changes towards me. It is not fair. I mean, there are even topics that he has out right said he doesn't want to hear about from me anymore..those would include weight loss and 3FC. So not only do I have to try to cut corners on my things to save him money but I also have to try to monitor what I am talking about even though my whole life at the moment is weight loss and 3FC. So after I finished, I asked him to just be honest with himself and me and if he didn't love me or want me, he needed to just tell me. So he goes off on this thing about money. Always about money. And he says it is not my fault about any of the money trouble...but here's the kicker..he tells me he may have to take me back to TN, to the place where I was headed for sure death..a place where he and I would have 0 contact because he won't get me a cell phone though he has one and I no longer have my own computer. He says so he can get back on his feet financially because apparently my 30 dollar a week grocery bill and 37 dollar a month storage fee is breaking the bank. I lost it then and just started bawling. I went to the bedroom and bawled and bawled. Now usually when I do that, he never comes in but he did this time and he did hold me. He did finally say he thought that is what I wanted, to go "home" because I am miserable here. I said if you have trouble with money, you get the cable shut off for a while or stop smoking but you don't send me away. That is completely wrong and unfair. He agreed and things went calmer for that part. He did not change his position though that it is all money related stress that has him being the way he is and he doesn't mean for it to overflow onto me and he is sorry it does. Now for me, it doesn't make it right. I have offered to work and he declines. He can get overtime at work a lot if he wanted but he never does. I do love him, really I do. I just am not sure how many more sacrifices I have to make but I do know one thing without a doubt, if he ever decides he wants to follow through with sending me back to TN, I will find a way to get out of here on my own because no way in **** will I go back where I came from. Never.
So if you made it through all that, give yourself a pat on the back and a hug from me cause you rock.
Honestly, I have no real life friends and well, I don't even wanna go in about my family so let's just say no to the question.
I know he is not doing right, I know it but I am not at the point yet where I want or am emotionally able to leave. I know that will upset a lot of people but it is how I feel and I can't change my feelings at the drop of a dime even though sometimes I wish I could :|
Last edited by Onederchic; 09-07-2009 at 08:59 AM.
I can understand how it is hard. I think you do need to prep yourself as best you can. I know some of have asked but I'm not sure I've seen an answer. Is there any public transportation where you live? Is there a way you can get out of the house? get a job? even if it included odd jobs in your area, that might help you gain some independence.
wow, what a manipulative little jerk. Wow. Look at it from the outside. You talk about how upset you were about how things are going. He threatens you with sending you back. You get even more upset. He then tries to "comfort you" and says that he thought that since you were so miserable with him, going 'home' is what YOU wanted. And that you're going to do whatever you can to not be sent back.
I know I dont know you well. But you're playing right into his hands. You're doing exactly what he wants. Look how he made all of this YOUR fault.
If he was that concerned with money, he'd be taking the overtime. And I dont know if BCs stand for birth control, but if it does, do not get pg by this man. It will only further you being stuck, and I'm sure thats more of his idea, than saving money. Because I know that walmart has $4 bc pills.
Dont wait for him to "send you back" (which I dont think he will, its just a threat to keep you under his control) to do whatever you can to get away from him. DO IT NOW. ETA (we cross posted) Do what you can NOW so that when you are in that place emotionally to leave him, you already have things in order. I can understand not being in that place yet - but by doing little things now, it will make it easier. Are there any stores or anything within walking distance? That way you could maybe find a job, where you dont have to depend on him taking you.
We have money stress. We live on only one income. Its hard. But never would I treat my husband like this. And he wouldn't treat me like that either. Its not just MY or HIS money, its OUR money. We both have to make sacrifices, its not just one of us. And it seems to be only you making the sacrifices to save money.
Michelle, I cannot express how sorry I am that you're going through this. I've lurked along with this because I've not had any advice that hasn't already been said - this only thing I have to say is that we're so proud that you stood up for yourself and talked to your boyfriend. Even if the results weren't desirable, you still got a LOT off your chest!
Judging by your posts on this thread, I think you already know what you need to do....you just need to gather the courage to make your final decision. And when you do, just know that we're all here to provide you with all the emotional support you'll ever need!
Well Michelle, I read it all - and I want to say that what you did took a lot of courage. But then again, it's apparent to me, reading through this entire thread, that courage is not something you lack, my dear.
I know I'm new here, but I have followed this thread in its entirety and wanted so many times to jump in but didn't see how I could add to the discussion, as you have had some excellent advice.
It's obvious to me that you know things have to change, and I have no doubt that anyone who has accomplished the herculean tasks you have - under extremely stressful conditions, I might add - can do anything . And I do mean A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G.
You are loved here, and you will continue to be supported as you make the necessary changes in your life. I pray that you will continue to post as often as you feel is necessary. I will continue to follow this thread and pray for you each and every day.
As for public transportation, a lovely person from here did pm me with some great information. The downside to that is it costs and I have no money...well except for the 15 dollar check that he won't take me to cash.
Also, since I never go anywhere, I have no idea where anything is. I do know we are about a 15 minute drive to the nearest store but I wouldn't even have a clue on how to begin to get anywhere cause I am here all the time and do not know my way around to any places but I will get that changed when I am able.
I know I just keep this going on and being so pathetic and I am sorry. But ya'll really are all I have so thanks again for being here for me.
And I too want to 2nd the fact that I do think its great that you did talk to him, and stood up to him. It didn't go the way you wanted, but you did do it.
Maybe do a mapquest search on some common stores - like CVS, RiteAid or Walgreens. In cities there are usually one of those with in walking distance, and the ones here are almost always looking for help.
Now, I am not making excuses but a 15 minute drive seems like it would be an awful long walk especially up here in NY where the winter times are brutal
