I was flipping back and trying to find who asked me about my situation before I moved here and can not find it. If it is you and you are reading this, remind me and I will pm you. Thanks!
all you ladies are so strong and give wonderful advice!
I was in a crappy relationship a couple years ago, and felt the same thing "it's my weight that he doesn't give me attention or want to go out and do date things" and money wasn't so much an issue because he always found time to go out with friends and he'd always pay and treat them for their dinners or drinks, and I when I mentioned us never going out together he'd say I'm being jealous and I figured he was right. Eventually he cheated on me and it ended.. but I wish I was smart enough and strong enough to accept things were really wrong to leave on my own first before I got hurt and things ended the way they did.
I had no one else besides him, so it felt better than nothing, maybe there's nothing better out there for me, who would want fat me.. but I think now being alone is better than always feeling sad in a bad relationship.
I noticed a common thing with the ladies that wind up in these situations, which I did myself.... you met these guys online and felt so self conscious about your weight you sent false pics. I think when people do that (and not having cruel intentions) it means you felt you weren't lovable as is... and maybe you feel that way still and you stay in these relationships because you still feel you are unlovable as is?
Last edited by ringmaster; 09-07-2009 at 09:32 PM.
I have mentioned on other occasions that he has not kept some of the promises he made before I got here but he always ends up making me feel like I am doing something wrong to cause him to do so and I usually end up apologizing and trying even harder to be..better.
Hon . . . he's manipulating you to the point where you actually believe you're doing something wrong. He's turning every problem you both are having onto *your* shoulders and your shoulders alone.
You were pulled out of a very bad situation, which took you a while to even begin recovering from. You weren't ready to go out and meet people for a time, and that's understandable. What did you do instead? You started taking care of your health, eating better and exercising. Nothing wrong with any of that. And now that you're feeling better and have begun to feel ready to open up to the world, to ask for things that you need . . . he not only denies you, but blames you. And how is any of this your fault? How could he possibly make you feel that any of this is your fault? You only want to make positive changes and I see nothing selfish about it from your side. It's not fair of him to hold you back with blaming and excuses.
No, he has visitation. Before I came here, his son went to his parents because my bf works weekends 3-midnight shift so they were essentially babysitting. When I arrived, I had already stated vehemently that I did not want to meet anyone so he kept that arrangement.
Okay good. I was just wondering out of concern for you girly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JuliaDH
Most men only define abuse as being that of hitting, punching, rape, something that leaves visual evidence. The verbal abuse, things that affect the heart & soul are not so easily acknowledged. Yet is more harmful. Bruises & broken arms heal quickly. Heart & Soul does not. Be cautious and protective. Most men think that all we women need to do is grow a thick skin and let nasty comments roll off the cuff.
This is sooo true and the hurtful words and things my ex said to me STILL haunt my dreams even now. I didn't start loving myself again until 2006, 4 yrs after we finally split up. Emotional and mental abuse is hard to recover from. I hate see see our Beautiful Butterfly(Michelle) go through anymore hurtful things. It's breaking my heart for her.
I noticed a common thing with the ladies that wind up in these situations, which I did myself.... you met these guys online and felt so self conscious about your weight you sent false pics. I think when people do that (and not having cruel intentions) it means you felt you weren't lovable as is... and maybe you feel that way still and you stay in these relationships because you still feel you are unlovable as is?
My online situation wasn't based on false pretense at all. He sent me pics, and I sent him mine. We spent many an hour on the phone and on yahoo, and I told him exactly what he was getting. So much so, I was testing him to see if I could scare him away and he was just bound and determined. And here we are 7.5 yrs later in the best relationship I've EVER had in my life. Not all online relationships are a bust. Some actually do workout.
I noticed a common thing with the ladies that wind up in these situations, which I did myself.... you met these guys online and felt so self conscious about your weight you sent false pics. I think when people do that (and not having cruel intentions) it means you felt you weren't lovable as is... and maybe you feel that way still and you stay in these relationships because you still feel you are unlovable as is?
I can definitely relate to that; in fact I only sent out pics of myself to my boyfriend (who was still just a friend at the time) because I figured he'd never be romantically interested in me anyway; I felt I had nothing to lose in showing my real self.
I was shocked when he told me I was beautiful. All 285 pounds of me.
I really didn't feel I was lovable "as-is" back then but he helped me change my mind.
I wish we could all get over the stigma of being overweight has brought many of us . . . that feeling of being a failure and being unlovable when that was never the case at all. We're all worthwhile people that deserve respect and love, regardless of what size clothes we wear or what the scale tells us.
I will also mention, though before I moved here he never really acted like he does now, he has always had a way of turning every argument we had into my fault..I was being too emotional or too dramatic or psycho, etc. And before I told him about my weight and all obviously, he always made fun of overweight people. He does not talk about me except there are times when he will tease about how I was when I weighed 330 pounds which even if it is jest, it stings at times. I generally just shake it off because I don't wanna start an argument.
I didn't feel lovable, for sure. And I still have very negative thoughts about myself, I do not love myself and I find it hard to believe anyone else would even though I wish it to be so. I stay on the defense a lot of times because of the thoughts I hold about myself that I believe others are thinking too.
my online situation wasn't based on false pretense at all. he sent me pics, and I sent him mine. We spent many an hour on the phone and on yahoo, and I told him exactly what he was getting. So much so, I was testing him to see if I could scare him away and he was just bound and determined. And here we are 7.5 yrs later in the best relationship I've EVER had in my life. Not all online relationships are a bust.
Good to hear! I basically did the same thing with my boyfriend. So much time spent on the phone, yahoo, webcams . . . we were truthful with each other, and met once in person before I made the final plunge of moving in with him. I do feel we've been very good for each other, and he's helped me out so much with my insecurities. I've never regretted a moment of being with him, and we've been together for nearly 3 years now.
Some actually do workout.
