I don't have any answers for myself. I do realize, with the help of this site, that I do need to work on my own self esteem issues. How can I believe someone else will love me if I don't even love myself?
These are really important questions. I'm working on them myself. Is there any chance that you could talk to a therapist?
Before I moved here, I went to a counseling center. I was brought in on a crisis intervention and for that reason, I never had to pay for sessions. Here though, I am really isolated and know only my boyfriend and have no idea of any resources to get to and from a therapist for no money. And I am surely not going the crisis intervention route again, the last time it was suicide intervention and well, I don't want to ever be in that state of mind again :|
It's interesting you say that, Lexxis. I mean, I am not blind so I do realize I have lost weight but for me, most times when I look in the mirror I still see 330 pounds. I have very low self esteem and I do tend to believe that everyone else around me (which at this time would be my bf) is thinking the same negative things about me so I stay in a defensive mode which I am sure doesn't make it easy on the other side of things (my bf's side).
I looked at your progress pictures the other day. You certainly do not look like 330 pounds anymore; you look like a normal weight, attractive woman. Lots of people here report the same phenomenon; it's hard for us to see how we look now because the old image is burned in our brains. When you feel that way, go back and look at your pictures. There is a marked difference.
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I am not making excuses for him or anything. I do really believe that the way his actions, or lack thereof, make me feel are completely wrong. Maybe it's my weight, maybe not. Maybe it's the fact that I lied to him for 5 years about my looks and it bothers him more than he thought it would, maybe not. Maybe he is a self centered ******* who doesn't deserve someone like me, maybe not. I don't have any answers for myself. I do realize, with the help of this site, that I do need to work on my own self esteem issues. How can I believe someone else will love me if I don't even love myself?
Does it matter why he's being this way? Really? Would it be somehow more "right" for him to treat you this way if it was your weight, as opposed to your initial lie, as oppsed to him being self-centered? Yes, it was a mistake to not be honest with him in the beginning but you have apologized and he needs to get over that if it's still bugging him.
My main concern is that you are so isolated. It's true; we are here for you as your virtual community of chick-friends, but it's not the same as someone living close by who can share a coffee, a smile, a hug with you. Is there any public transportation where you live?
Michelle, I agree with the other posters here -- it sounds like you're in a situation that is making you unhappy, and you deserve to feel better. You have access to the internet, and you can start investigating those resources, with or without your boyfriend's help. You've mentioned having very low self-esteem and that you've had (or have?) agoraphobia. Is it possible that those factors are coming into play as well? Meaning that you're also playing a part in your isolation, in that it relieves you of the fear of being out there in the world? Please understand, I'm not "blaming the victim" in any sense here, I just feel concerned that you're in a difficult situation.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be functional, in your relationship and in society. You deserve to be cared for, by yourself and by those around you. You clearly have the support of many people here, even if they're not physically next door to you. I hope that things get better for you.
I will admit, that yes when I came here, I was very adamant about not meeting anyone or going anywhere. I just wasn't ready. But now I am ready, for the most part. I still have my own issues with myself but I am more than willing to push them aside to meet his parents and son and co workers and whomever else and to get out of this damn house from time to time. I have expressed this to him but he still believes I am not ready, or so he has stated, and I guess he believes he is protecting me in a sense..though I may be completely off base with that theory. :|
I was just sitting here thinking back on my life and I have never really been a social person with many or few friends.
Growing up, my parents were pretty strict, which I have mentioned. I wasn't in the "popular" crowd at school, I was just in the middle.
My husband and I were together 12 years before he passed. We did go out together at times but more often than not, now that I look back on it, I opted to stay home while he went out with the "boys".
After he passed, besides going to work and back, I never left home. Then once my parents passed, I became even more of a recluse.
I have joined numerous sites and forums, etc in the past couple years but none and I mean absolutely none can even compare to this site. The people here are the best. So supportive, so encouraging. I know it will not "match" a friendship in the "real world" but for me, for now, this is the highlight of my day, everyday since I found it.
Ya'll give me belief that all hope for myself, my life is not long gone. I am finally able to see that I do deserve to love myself. To feel good and proud about my accomplishments.
There are some of you, I won't mention names, that have gone above and beyond the call of an "internet friend" and that moves me, really moves me.
Now I know when I am thinking all hope is lost, that I am alone...I can come here and quickly be reminded that I have a lot of friends that do care about me.
So, to each and every one of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Ya'll have helped this girl to want to have a life, her life, for herself and no one else. To be happy for herself. To love herself.
Last edited by Onederchic; 09-06-2009 at 12:01 PM.
Michelle, you deserve all the love in the world. You are a beautiful, caring, intelligent woman and you have inspired and encouraged so many people here. Your sorrows make me sad, but I am so glad to hear that you have made the decision to start loving yourself. From what we have seen, when you make up your mind to do something, you will do it!
Michelle, I had quoted a lot of what people said here but decided not to because it's been said countless times. But I do want to say that none of this is YOU! NONE of it. It's him being an A-hole and being an abusive controlling freak. Sorry. I don't mean to sound verbally abusive myself, but that's what I see and how I feel.
You are a bright light here at 3FC and look how many people LOVE you in the short time you've been here....I've even left this place and when I came back lurking after months of being away, it was your bright light that drew me back in. You are a beautiful, positive person inside and out and if he can't see that, well, it's his own stupidity. I showed my man your before & after pics, and I've told him about this thread a long the way reading him tid-bits, and he say's you are very cute, and applauds that you've lost so much in such a short time, as he's been watching me struggle with my weight for yrs. He even says you're in an abusive situation and deserves better. We've even said if we had the money and the room to put you up, we'd already be on our way to get you!
I can understand when you look into the mirror you still see 330, pound woman. I know that's a problem with a lot of previously heavy people, but the fact of the matter is YOU ARE NOT! Your boyfriend and his behavior towards you is aiding in keeping you there mentally. This is his CONTROL over you; perhaps this is a reason why he won't buy you new clothes that fit.
All I know is, this is a bad situation and you don't deserve to be treated like this or talked down to like this. His words to you have you believing that you are not worthy and that's just wrong! It's ok to not be satisfied with things and to complain and try and change it to make you happy. It's ok to ask for better fitting clothes, make up or a dang ride to Wal-Mart! It's NOT okay for him to make you feel like a nag and totally disregard your feelers. It's not okay!
Now I can tell you as others have, THIS IS ABUSE! I really hope you contact an abuse center and get out of there. You have no means of support, no transportation or even decent clothes to wear even if you can get a job. These people will help you with all of that. I know you have a doggy and you don't want to leave him/her, and some places can help with that too, but if now, you have got to think of yourself here. Perhaps a neighbor or someone will be willing to take your pet for a while if not forever so you can care for you! I was in an abuse shelter here in my town and it was the BEST thing I ever did. It was a regular house, in a regular neighborhood. They gave me a room (sometimes shared), clothes, helped me with a job, transportation and allowed me to stay until I had enough money saved up to get my own place. I was there when 9/11 happened. I shared that moment in time and history with other abuse survivors and it bonded us and we are still friends to this day. I even saw them set up this one lady and her kids in an apartment. That's what they do girl, and you definitely qualify!
Please consider doing that honey. Perhaps they could even get you back down here where the world is a little more familiar and comfortable for you. I've also seem shelters transport woman from one region to another, one shelter to another. Please think about it. You deserve better than what you're getting...
That's all I can say for now. Just know that I am so worried about you and care about you so much and it's so frustrating to not be able to reach through this computer and get you and help you out myself. But you have to see this for yourself. You have to do this for yourself. it's okay to be grateful to him for saving you from a situation, but like Robyn said, you're in another one that he's created, and I've wondered is this his way of punishing you for allowing him to believe you were smaller for so long and then telling him the truth right before he was to take your relationship to another level???
Just wanted to let you know that I have read your response. It is emotional for me. I will get back with a reply either here or pm when I can better put to words what I feel/think.
Is there any public transportation where you live?
