I'm not sure what it is, except I feel fairly certain too that it's not about the weight. I mean, gosh, you've lost 130 POUNDS! He should be jumping up and down and singing your praises every day, supporting and encouraging you. The fact that he is not doing that is not about you, it's about HIM.
Like others I can relate to some aspects of your situation - I was in a long relationship (9 years) with a guy who was not overly affectionate unless he were feeling in the mood. I could write several paragraphs describing the relationship, but I won't. The bottom line is that I never really 100% felt loved. I had to "fish" for compliments and reassurance. It's not the same when it's not given freely. The thing is I knew deep down that he was not right for me - he wasn't a horrible guy or anything but he wasn't giving me what I needed. He never saw a successful relationship from his parents - maybe that's why.
I always thought if I only tried harder, the relationship would work... it took me years to realize it was not me... it was HIM.
I have now been married for 5 years to a wonderful, loving, king, supportive man. He compliments me EVERY day, many times over without ANY prompting whatsoever. He had his arm around me (not in a gross way) in the checkout line at the grocery store today. I don't have to ask if he loves me, he TELLS me and SHOWS me all the time.
My ex, by the way, makes a lot of money and has married a doctor who also makes a lot of money. My husband and I both teach - we are doing fine but certainly not flush with money. The ex and his wife live in a huge house on the water about 40 minutes from where I live. From the outside, I know their life looks pretty ideal. But there are times when I think about them and actually feel sorry for her. Maybe he is different with her but I don't think so. He was not a bad person or an ogre, but he did not know how to treat a woman.
There are many other fish in the sea. Sorry for the tired cliche. I know starting over is hard - I finally ended my relationship when I was 30, spent some time on my own, and then was ready to date. I went out with several guys who I didn't click with at all and then met my current husband on a BLIND DATE (yep, they can work out!). I was 36 when I married - a very late bloomer I know. But, gosh, when I think of what my life would have been like had I married my ex... Oh my.
Please know that while your boyfriend isn't a terrible person, he may not be capable of giving you the kind of love you need and DESERVE. You must believe that there is someone else out there who can.
Like others, I hope that I too have not overstepped my bounds. I share my story only because I relate and feel that you are not truly happy with your situation... I think that deep down, if you are honest with your self, you know you deserve better.
Sweetie, you are not whinning, and please don't ever think, that just wanting to be loved and respected is whinning. You are one of the sweetest girls, that always has something nice to say, to everyone. Your BF should be blind to your weight and see your beautiful heart.
I can't stress this enough you need to leave the house, once and a while. Do you go for a walk around the block or take the dog for a walk? Sunshine, and Fresh Air can do wonders for one's health.
Maybe sitting down and talking to your BF, will help, have you ever told him, you need to go to walmart and food shopping and maybe out on a date, once and a while. The dog will be fine, trust me, the more you get him/her used to it, the better, {remember those walks, are not only helping you, but the dog}
Thanks so much to everyone. You have all been here for me and it means a lot. I appreciate all the advice and information everyone has shared with me. I love each and every one of ya...no, really I do!
You and I don't know eachother. I've read a some of your posts on here, where you give a lot of other people support....
This being said, please don't take what I say offensively because honestly, from everything I've read I'm just being objectively honest. I grew up in a house of domestic abuse. My work field experience was dealing with at risk youth in a female facility where I saw your stories like yours unfold DOZENS of times!
We called it "White Knight Syndrom" or "Hero Syndrom" at the facility. The guys who come in and "rescue" you from a horrible life (with the girls it was abusive parents, poverty, prior abusive relationships). What we impressed upon the girls is that unless your being rescued from a burning building or the like, the only one who can save you, is you and just because this person may have removed you from that situation, all they did was relocate you geographically and give your somewhere you felt safe. Its okay to be grateful but there's the line, grateful, not eternally devoted. You correlate your better-ment to this man and now feel a deep love (you may have even loved him before the move) and devotion to him, whether he is worthy or not. And to be really frank sweetie, in your case...he's not. Here's how I see it...
You don't work because he doesn't want to work the transportation around the one car, that's bull****. I say this because later in your posts you also point out how you don't feel comfortable asking for "extras" (clothing BTW...not an extra, defined as a need) and when you do mention it he complains about the money. He can't have it both ways. If he's that stressed over finances, even if he WANTS to provide for you and just can't, if he knows that by you working you would be 1- happier, 2- better taken care of and 3- there'd be less stress in the house over finances and he still won't help you work than you need to think about this. Either he makes enough to adequatley provide for you (its not like, from what I see, that your asking for $100 items here, thriftstore clothes like Salvation Army, $2 per item) or your going to need to provide, at least in part, for yourself and he's going to have to work out the car situation. The best solution would be to find a job you could walk to, take a bus, or work from home again. I'd approach him with this. Tell him it'd make you happy. If he still comes up with reasons or says "no," then you really know its all about control for him.
Think about it...he controls what you eat, what you do, where you go, how you dress, you routines and even your habits...the man is ALL about control. And if you've asked to meet his family now, why not? I'd be demanding to know why not at this point because obviously there's a bigger issue here.
He makes demands on you for change (how you eat, quit smoking, stop the BC) stating its for monetary reasons...but than he doesn't change. Just because he's supporting you does NOT...NOT make this okay. Most people see it as "it's his dime, so if he wants to keep smoking (or insert any other costly habbit here), than its okay." NO IT IS NOT!! Just because he makes the money does not make you any less a part of your lives together. Its still 50/50 and what goes for you should go for him, or he doesn't view you guys as equals.
Please, please, please, find a job you can get to. Take a bus, walk, befriend a neighbor who could give rides, but get out there and start making your own way, living your own life. I can't see you as the type of person, now, who would want to keep living like this. You could do so much better. You're beautiful, inside and out!! Your life doesn't start later, your living it now, so make it the life you want!!
Thank you for the response and concern, TaraLee. It means a lot to me. I can not say with any definite response what I will or won't be doing except that I will be giving the whole situation a lot of thought.
This sort of sounds like he's keeping you in a cage... >:C When my BF makes me cry (which only happened once) I make sure he KNOWS what he did to piss me off and that he never ever does that again. I would try to talk to your BF about this, because one little errand isn't going to kill him and if he loves you then he should want to take you places.
I completely agree with what TaraLee says!!!
Last edited by platformnine; 09-06-2009 at 09:13 AM.
Sweetie, I don't have much to add, but I just have to tell you this - this is not how it's supposed to be. He may have taken you out of one situation - but you're right back in another one. He's not going to change. A man that loves you, puts your needs ahead of his. And I'm not seeing this, not even a little bit. This IS a form of abuse. And you deserve better then this.
You have overcome so many obstacles in your life. Your strong, intelligent, resourceful, powerful, kind and beautiful. I am frightened for you. I urge you to reconsider this relationship.
You have had some great advice here. Granted we don't know the other side. You have told us a lot even in what you don't say, We are reading between the lines. I am concerned about his not wanting you to meet his parents ? Why ?
Is he ashamed of you ? OR does he consider this a temporary situation , so why bother meeting the parents. There used to be a saying among guys " the way to keep her home is to keep her broke, barefoot and pregnant." He almost qualifies there, no money, no necessary clothing, keeping you at home all the time. This is a very sad situation and you deserve better. I hope you will reread the postings here, they are heartfelt. You deserve better than the crumbs he is throwing your way. I will say it again ,you deserve better. You could have a much more fulfilling life. You have much to offer. You deserve better than the meager existance you have, now. You deserve better.
I've read your posts and the responses and all I would like to say is that you ARE a wonderful, caring, kind person who needs someone who cherishes her as much as you cherish the other.
I have no idea as to what you could or should do with respect to your relationship. But I know what you MUST do with respect to YOU. And what you MUST do is find a way to become independent. You have to take care of yourself. You absolutely NEED to have your own resources and funds --whether through disability money into your OWN account or through a job or whatEVER -- but you HAVE to be able to give yourself the ability to control your own life.
This isn't about him, this is about you -- if you aren't able to provide for yourself, you don't have ANY options if your situation becomes unlivable -- suppose he becomes physical (you never know, it could happen) or HE slides into addiction or he gets sick and can no longer work. Then just add a couple of children to the mix...THEN what??
Seriously, hon, I'm not suggesting you leave. Only YOU know what you want from a relationship and only YOU are living your life. But you HAVE to be able to be self-sufficient for YOU and for no one else. At the very least, you need your own source of income and your own bank account. For YOU...
I don't want to say much, mostly because others have said it much better than I can hope to. But just a couple of things for you:
+ You are one fantastic lady. I really mean this, I really do, with all my heart. I've only been here about a month and a half and already you (yes, you!) have given me so much support and inspiration when things have been tough, and just like your custom title a couple of weeks back, you have been the main cheerleader when I've been joyous about the successes. You are an invaluable part of 3fc, in my eyes, and what you say here really does touch so many people's lives. Don't forget that - don't ever forget the part you play in helping people here take control of their lives and change it for the better.
+ You already know, deep down in your heart, where your relationship/situation is going. You might "want" something different, or try to talk yourself into thinking and believing something else (I've done this myself). But you know, and there's no denying that small voice inside. Whichever direction that voice tells you to go, I urge you to be brave...and true to yourself.
I won't add too much here either because everyone has pretty much said what I've been thinking as well. This situation doesn't sound quite right to me but having said that you are communicating with a lot of women who were brought up to be super independent and so your situation sounds just as foreign as if we were talking to a villager from Central America. Is it wrong, is it right? In some ways it sounds like you are talking yourself into accepting it even though deep down you know it isn't. I see people on tv, say for example men who are Mormons and have 3 wives and 15 kids and while the rest of us don't think that is a normal situation they all are happy about it and nothing anyone can say will convince them of anything different. I don't get that from you. I sense that you know something is not quite right. All we can do is support you and I'm glad you reached out to us and are willing to talk about it. I think you are a wonderful person and have accomplished so much. Don't settle for something that you know isn't right for you.
I applaud your losing soooooooooooooooooooo much weight. I have come a long way, too. You started 55 pounds heavier than me, and you have lost 13 more than I have.
At 204 pounds, I no longer consider myself an undesirable person. I am chubby, but certainly don't consider that anyone would be judging me by my weight right now.
You and I both want to lose more, but by looking at your pics and mine I think we're both ok. My DH seems to think I look great and he married me at 158.
I'm not saying this regarding how BF sees you but how you see you. You are skinnier than alot of people your age!!
It's interesting you say that, Lexxis. I mean, I am not blind so I do realize I have lost weight but for me, most times when I look in the mirror I still see 330 pounds. I have very low self esteem and I do tend to believe that everyone else around me (which at this time would be my bf) is thinking the same negative things about me so I stay in a defensive mode which I am sure doesn't make it easy on the other side of things (my bf's side).
I am not making excuses for him or anything. I do really believe that the way his actions, or lack thereof, make me feel are completely wrong. Maybe it's my weight, maybe not. Maybe it's the fact that I lied to him for 5 years about my looks and it bothers him more than he thought it would, maybe not. Maybe he is a self centered ******* who doesn't deserve someone like me, maybe not. I don't have any answers for myself. I do realize, with the help of this site, that I do need to work on my own self esteem issues. How can I believe someone else will love me if I don't even love myself?
