I have to agree that the isolation is unhealthy. I know you care for this person, but control is not the same as love. As a grown woman, you really don't need permission to leave the house, get a job, or take care of yourself. I hope it's not too forward of me, but the website www.caringunlimited.org could give you some insights into unhealthy behaviors and some resources if you should feel you need them. I know you don't know me, but I've been in a similar situation. At the end of the day, though, you know yourself and your situation best and will do what's right for you right now. Take care and good luck.
but the website www.caringunlimited.org could give you some insights into unhealthy behaviors and some resources if you should feel you need them.
Jenny
I think WtW might have meant http://www.caring-unlimited.org for anyone who wanted to look more in to those incredible resources they've got listed..
hope you feel better, I don't know the rest of story besides the posts here, but it sounds like this isn't the first time your bf let you down. It sounds like he is the center of your life, which makes it hurt more when he isn't always there for you. Do you have any friends in the area? Maybe you can join a group, go to church, and try meeting some other women to be friends with and go out with just to socialize.
Have you tried talking to him and letting him know how much this hurts you? If he cares about you that much he should be willing to compromise so you can both find an agreement and to be happy.
I have been here almost a year and a half and have been out of the house maybe 10 times, so I rarely go anywhere or ask to go anywhere.
Are you serious? That is not normal behavior on your boyfriend's part. I am very concerned about this situation for you....I know it is not my business either. I think this is unhealthy as well. Even if finances are tight, there are plenty of things to do for free. I can't believe you haven't been all around town with your man. Some of the other issues that you brought up are blantant red flags.
We do care about your health and well being. I am unclear what his reasoning, justifications, or excuses are that he doesn't take you more places. I find it strange that he does not want you to get a job, and become more independent, such as working an opposite shift or the same shift with close locations for a work place. You'll need savings, money for clothes and health care. Please don't let his insecurity or controlling you hold you back.
Please do not get offended by what I have said.
I find it wierd that he hasn't offered to buy you at least one new outfit even if it is gently used.
I understand we don't know his side of the story. I wish you the best for your future.
Last edited by better health3; 09-05-2009 at 09:27 PM.
Okay, first let me begin by giving thanks to all the wonderful friends I have here that do care about me.
Secondly, a bit more background for those that may not know. I moved 1800 miles away from the place I called home for 21 years. Now I already admitted I lied to my bf about my looks for 5 years. Before I even sent him the picture, before he even left New York to come to Tennessee, I did tell him I was 300 plus pounds but I think he really believed I was exaggerating...heh surprise. Anyway, even after I told him, before he saw a pic, he still begged me to move here and he promised that I would be taken care of...his word was "spoiled". In the year or so before I moved here, I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder and mild agoraphobia. I am sure a lot of it, with the exception of the bpd, stemmed from the traumas I had suffered of being with my husband of 10 years as he died, finding my momma dead and then my daddy dying. I know those contributed to me turning to food in a major way and I am sure at 330 pounds, it contributed to me not wanting to go out in public or be around people. So when I moved here, yes, I did tell him I did not want to meet anyone until I was more comfortable with me and he readily agreed. Now that I have lost 140 pounds (almost), I am ready to meet his family, his son and get the **** out of this house sometimes. He does all the shopping and if I mention me riding he always uses the fact that my doggy has severe separation anxiety as a reason why I should stay home because if we take the dog too, he gets car sick too. He has not taken me out on not even one date type event, not once. He has said things about me losing weight but generally when I fish for a compliment. He has never said I am pretty though I have asked if he is attracted to me and he said yes. I understand I am not Miss America or a super model but heh, neither is he. I don't stay here because I feel obligated to do so because he took me out of a bad situation. I stay because I truly do love him. I just really feel that he is still put off by my weight even though I am trying hard to change it every day. I even eat the same ole stuff day after day because it is easy on his wallet. I tell myself that I don't need variety and I don't, I have lost 140 pounds but still, it would be nice every once in awhile to have something different. He never really kisses me or puts his arms around me or even holds my hand. He doesn't verbally abuse me or physically abuse me. I felt before like he was trying to protect me because of how strongly I felt about being in public and/or around people but now I just think it is more he is embarrassed of me. I walk around in pants that are way too big and shirts that swallow me up, again to keep it light on his wallet. He sees my clothes don't fit so if he wanted he would offer to take me to get some. I have even mentioned thrift stores and he never says anything. One thing I am proud of is I really really wanted to go in the kitchen and eat everything I could find to punish him but I knew it would really only be punishing me so I worked out instead. I don't want everyone going off from this and thinking my boyfriend is some cruel person that I should be running away from. He does provide me with a roof over my head and food and basics so I am grateful for that anyway.
But enough of my whining and rambling, it don't solve anything.
Thanks again to everyone. Ya'll don't know how much you all and this place mean to me. It is truly my saving point a lot of times.
From your previous posts, you've indicated that you did not want to meet his family right away, and when you were living in TN you worked from home because you didn't like going out in public. These are things I'm sure he knows. Perhaps he's holding onto those things in order to not offend you or feel like he's pushing you.
My DH works a LOT of hours, and on his day off he avoids leaving the house - he just wants to relax, not make small talk with people, and certainly not go shopping. For the last 2 months, he's been spending his day off helping his mom move, so he's been running non-stop without any true "down time". This week, on his day off, he absolutely refused to leave the house. If your BF has been spending his days off running around, it's not unrealistic that he wants to relax this week.
I'm not saying that there's not a potential for him being a bad guy, don't get me wrong. I just don't want you to read all of these posts by all of these wonderful caring people and lose sight of the fact there may be a logical (in a guy brain sort of way) reason for his recent behavior.
oh, this does not sound easy. I have no answers but to offer up concern and caring for you. please be well and good to your own self-- whatever that may be.
hugs to you
Mich-he does not sound like a bad person at all!!But that does not mean he is right for you.I know you have been through a lot!!You have also accomplished sooooo much.The ball is in your court.Think about the dreams you have for yourself.What would you like to do in the future?I totally understand the depression and bpd.I take care of many patients with the same!Social activities might be really beneficial for you.When you feel like someone has saved you....you tend to excuse a lot of behaviors.
I would love to say without a doubt, yes he does but quite frankly, even though he does tell me he loves me, I am not 100% sure. I just really feel that it is my weight that is the issue with him and that saddens me.
I really feel the need to speak up as I've been in a very similar situation myself.
I'm not really sure how much of my own personal life I've revealed here in this forum beyond the whole eating right and exercising thing, but I was someone in a very bad situation a few years back. I ended up falling in love with an online friend. (I even remember being scared to death to send him any photos due to my weight, yadda yadda yadda). And while we were trying to figure things out so we could be together in person, I had issues trying to keep up with bills and found myself poverty-stricken. He helped me out a lot there (even kept me from losing my house), and once we found a place to live and was able to put enough money together, I boldly started on my drive halfway across the county to start my life all over. And my car broke down halfway there. He ended up having to drive a thousand miles out to rescue me . . .
I was pretty shaken by a lot of things by the time I finally made it to my new home. I had a horrible, horrible time learning how to drive a stick-shift (we're down to only his car), I got paranoid of driving it through city traffic . . . in fact I think I had a mental breakdown altogether over several things I went through. I had a really hard time adapting to how every little thing in my life had changed entirely and as scared to death to go out in public by myself, even for a walk, let alone a drive.
And before I begin to go through my life story here, I have to say I relate. I totally lost my independence for a while. In fact, I'm still fighting for it. Not with my boyfriend mind you, but with myself.
In your situation, well . . . to be honest I don't know your situation very well except for what I've seen you write these past few months; all I can really do is relate with what I've gone through . . .
The BF works long hours. And with my new-found fear of driving, well, I had a hard time asking to be taken to places, especially when it came to something "un-needed" like make-up. I just felt really self-conscious about it. And he was really good at saying no. Although I did some babysitting for quite a while, throughout most of it I had to be dropped off and picked up. We rarely went anywhere unless it was out to eat on the way home. I just felt like I really had no "me" time.
There was one particular day I asked for something from the store he'd known I'd been wanting for weeks, and he'd promised to take me the next day. And when the next day came, he didn't feel like going.
So your post here really struck a chord with me.
I cried. And after I composed myself, I spelled out a few things to him:
I do not ask for much. It's hardly fair that when I do, I feel like I get brushed aside, especially when I do so much for him at home. We are a team. We are in this life together.
While I'm still not entirely comfortable with the stick shift, I am making a clear effort and have gotten noticeably better with handling the responsibility. I pointed out that conquering my fears and driving on my own would be beneficial for both of us.
My independence is important. I need to get out every so often. I don't get out to work and interact with others every day like he does.
There's nothing wrong about wanting supposedly "un-needed" things, like make-up or new clothes or whatever. I need to be able to buy things for myself. I watched my own mother deny herself so much because she was either afraid to ask for something, didn't feel she deserved it, or was tired of hearing "no." I'm not gonna let that happen to me.
To be honest, I don't think he realized I'd felt I'd lost so much independence or other things I needed until I spelled things out to him. And things have gotten much better since we've talked things through. We've both had to adapt to a lot of changes in order to be together, and it's really easy for one partner to not put themselves in the shoes of the other.
So I especially understand how it feels to move across the country like that, to be with someone new, and to almost feel strange obligations because they pulled you out of a horrible situation, and to even feel like you're trapped in your own home. Heck, I didn't even meet his family for ages upon ages. But anyway, the thing is that you deserve your independence, and that's something he needs to understand. You need to be able to get out for whatever reason, to not feel completely dependent on him. I can imagine you must get antsy, especially that you're done so well with your health.
Hon, I have a feeling you really need to sit down and have a talk with your guy. It doesn't have to be hurtful, angry, or accusing. Wait until you're feeling better then spell out why you feel so hurt over what has happened . . . it's exactly what I had to do, and I'm so glad now that I have, it really helped me find my place. He was even very understanding about it, and we've both taken steps to get better.
Good luck to you, PM me if you ever need a listening ear.
Last edited by Elladorine; 09-05-2009 at 09:56 PM.
I don't have any good advice. Or advice at all. I am worried that he is taking away your independence or preventing you from having any at all! I think you are a beautiful butterfly ready to FLY and he is trying to shove you back into your cocoon... I wish I know how to help.
Do you guys communicate a lot about your feelings and such? Maybe it's time for a honest to goodness sit down and have a heart to heart.
I have tried several times in the past couple months of letting him know how I am feeling and though at the time, he seems to understand and is apologetic, a mere day or two later and things are back to "normal".
I am glad to have someone understand my situation to an extent. It was extremely hard when I first got here to ask for anything, even foodwise which is why I ended up with a lot of frozen "diet" dinners and caloric intake of about 900 a day. That has eased some but I still am uncomfortable on asking for "extras". Especially when I hear all the time how he is stressed over money. So of course, I feel bad if I want something that costs more than what he may usually spend so I do without.
I am not sorry I lost the weight I have lost or that I have quit smoking but honestly, I started out doing those things for him and to save him money. I moved from my home, I gave up everything I owned, I changed how I eat, I stopped smoking and I ended my BC (headache powders) addiction for him. Not because he said I had to. The diet changes were an agreed plan before I moved here. The smoking..he said we would both have to quit because it was too expensive so I quit and he still smokes. BCs, he complained about how many I took and how often he had to buy them so I quit them. Now, all these things benefited me, no doubt and I am happy for that but I just wish he would acknowledge more of all the things I have accomplished.
I never ever ask for anything except the 35-40 bucks he spends on my groceries and needed personals so one would think that at some time he would feel like maybe I deserve something extra. But he never does and if I happen to mention something I want or would like to have, it all goes back to money troubles.
But anyway, I keep saying I am gonna stop whining but I just keep going on.
Thanks again for your response, it was helpful (as were many others)
Do you have any friends in the area? Maybe you can join a group, go to church, and try meeting some other women to be friends with and go out with just to socialize.
