For awhile in this thread I was thinking that he had gotten very used to your agoraphobia, etc and had taken it on your behalf -- become very protective of you combined with genuine money problems and time constraints.
But the thing about 'sending' you back to TN? I don't know what the situation was in TN (I would like to know) but in any case, you are right that that is certainly not the answer. Should not be his response. And if you two break up, if you are in the position of moving out, there is no reason that should translate into going to TN from NY.
I still think you should talk to your boyfriend about baby steps (getting a license, or at least going on a free weekly outing together for starters -- stuff like that). The money constraint should mean that he would like it if you got a part-time job.
But in the meantime, everyone is right that what's best for you is starting to seek out other ways as well. Maybe you could even meet online friends (women) in your area, who want to go out for an outing. Perhaps a hiking excursion.
I know you may be offline by now, and busy, but I am just wondering if you have you met or spoken to his ex-wife?
That and he has stated that he doesn't want to hear about her weight loss or 3FC. I'm sure he feels threatened by this place. I just hope he doesn't disconnect her internet which seems to me is her only way to the "outside" world so to speak. If he thinks she's getting all these ideas from peoples here he may just nip that in the bud too. I'm scared for her.
I am just thinking about everything is all. Since he has woke up things have been calm anyway. He even asked me to ride to town with him so that was a nice change. I ain't saying things have changed but at this moment I am content and I am only praying it lasts.
While we were out, I asked were we going to his parents and he asked what for and I said so I could meet them and he said "Maybe tomorrow." Not sure really if he means it but maybe he does.
Last edited by Onederchic; 09-07-2009 at 06:11 PM.
keep on keepin' on, Michelle! you'll be ok, no matter which way the relationship winds blow.
Well, duh, I just saw you were in Ballston Spa, that's about 5 miles from Saratoga Springs, which is a fair sized town. I've been there, it's famous for its horse racing, celebrities from NYC used to go up there to watch them and bet (probably still do); we went off season. Wow, what a lovely area.
had to add this, from Wikipedia: Ballston Spa is the birthplace of Abner Doubleday, believed by some to be the creator of baseball.
Last edited by dragonwoman64; 09-07-2009 at 06:29 PM.
I'm new here, but every time I see a post by you and see that you quit smoking in the midst of your weight loss journey I think to myself, "dang that woman is STRONG."
You haven't said this, but I get the feeling that he makes you feel weak. You quit a terrible addiction and continued to lose weight. You aren't weak: you are an inspiration to me and to many others on this forum.
I agree with pretty much everything that the others have said. My only suggestions would be: 1) get up one day and tell him you're riding in to town with him when he goes to work. Tell him you feel cooped up and just want to walk around and find a library or something. Pack a snack and a paperback and prepare yourself to be bored. Find that library, start meeting people - maybe you'll get lucky and find a job or a church or a charity that can use some volunteers. Unless his job site is so remote that there's nothing to see or do, I suspect he won't allow this. So instead, 2) use Google Maps to figure out where you are, and start walking. If it takes you all day to walk to the Walmart, cash your check, and walk back, then fine. You're trapped in his trailer - what else is there to do with your time? Whatever you buy with that money will feel triumphant - don't let yourself feel helpless and trapped.
One last thing: He will never, ever send you back to TN. Your conversation with him last night was exactly the worst possible version of that sort of talk. This is how I interpret what happened: You listed things that you need from him. Instead of answering, he threatened to do the worst thing you can imagine him doing to you. You stopped asking him for anything. In return, he gave you some small kindness so you wouldn't realize he was bullying you.
When he came into the bedroom and held you, that wasn't love - it was manipulation. Allowing you to go to the store with him today is exactly the same. Imagine what you would think if you were on the outside of this situation.
While we were out, I asked were we going to his parents and he asked what for and I said so I could meet them and he said "Maybe tomorrow." Not sure really if he means it but maybe he does.
Since I pm'd you I have been thinking about other relationships he has in his life. How often does he see is folks? Have you talked to them on the phone? Are they a military family? If so that makes me wonder if he has attachment issues.Does his ex & son live near? Work and co-workers? I think the more you find out about how he interacts with other people the better you will get to know him and how he thinks/feels/funtions. I do recommend you working your way out into the community together would be great. A trip to the library, picnic in a town park, still thinking about the 2nd hand bikes. Maybe if you both got bikes you could both ride into town for exercise, good way to get to know the neigbourhood etc. Take baby steps with him. Have a plan and slowly expand both your and his comfort zones. If that means maybe only 1 new idea or activity a month is all he can manage to wrap his head around, try it. You will need to figure out a balance between your love, needs (not financial but basic needs including your interests ie reading group/club/church) and your long term life goals. Reassure him that just because you are ready to expand your comfort zone does not mean that you are going to take off on him and start a life with out him. Now may not be a good time to tell him his behaviour is making you think about taking off. As its been previously discussed if he is not willing to take baby steps with you and grow together as a couple in your community that is when your back up plan needs to kick in and you do move on. But make sure he is on board with you, more than a casual interest just to pacify you from these issues. If he cant love you as you discover who you are IN the relationship then he does not want to be IN relationship with you. I think to give him a wee bit of wiggle room in judging his character may be necessary as you really dont know how he functions as a whole. Yet to repeat if he continues to resist even little steps that back up plan for you needs to be there use. Please be careful! As you work thru your plans. There may be some therapy options to do over the phone if you are not able to find a ride or unable to leave the property while he is at work. Not promoting sneaking behind his back. But if that is what it takes to get some one local to speak to then that back up plan needs to be used. Also check out facebook for local groups. Maybe you can start an internet friendship with someone that will develop into a face to face. Wow I got long winded. But again just wanted to feel out some other ideas.
