I have mentioned on other occasions that he has not kept some of the promises he made before I got here but he always ends up making me feel like I am doing something wrong to cause him to do so and I usually end up apologizing and trying even harder to be..better.
This reminds me of something I read awhile ago that helped open my eyes... maybe you can read it over and see if it sounds familiar to your situation..
I have read through everything--it
has taken me a couple of days, but I felt this really deserved it.
I once thought I didn't love myself. I really and truly couldn't think I was "worth" anything--or anyone.
The pain that thought caused me! I would cry and cry thinking how sad it was I was so worthless.
Then one day I realised what that was: I was crying not because I was worthless: but because I was worthwhile and somehow my life had been set up to "tell me" I wasn't.
You're crying in the bathroom because YOU KNOW you deserve better than you are getting. And it is your self-love that makes you come here.
You know what's true! In your heart, you know what's true. This situation isn't right. Maybe you can change it from the inside, maybe you can't.
The ladies here have said it over and over and much better than I can: I just wanted you to know that I have been there, too. I really thought I was a piece of sh*t and I set life up to confirm that belief. Then I was sad.
When I realised that that belief was just wrong--otherwise why would I be sad?--it took time--a long time--but eventually, my life was no longer set up to reflect that belief back to me. And yeah, I had to shed a few guys, actually, on my journey. And a few addresses. And even a couple of jobs or three. It was a process. For you, that process has already started, I think. You know, in your heart, what you need to do. Do it gently, but swiftly and with honesty, that's all.
You love yourself--you do--otherwise you would not have quit smoking (the incentive may have come from him and I too quit because my husband asked me too--for the same "financial" reasons) and SURVIVED that first week from **** without self-love--no one COULD--so I know you do. By the by--I quit Oct 22, 2008! We're quit buddies--Hooray for us!
Anyway, I hope and pray that helps. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Take a walk around the block (or a dozen) and come and tell us abut it, ok?
Last edited by Alana in Canada; 09-08-2009 at 01:52 AM.
As to my previous situation ... My husband and I were together for 12 years. Then after he passed there was noone until my current boyfriend.
...I need to be more assertive and stand my ground but he makes it difficult. I have heard more than once about how my "nagging" and whining" and "complaining" make him dread coming home which really does nothing good for me emotionally, it really only helps make the negative feelings I hold about myself grow.
I have begged him to show me some affection/attention and he always says I am being dramatic.
I just really feel my weight is what the issue is for him. I can't lose any faster than I am unless I starve myself and I ain't doing that.
I don't know really know anything much right now. I just want to feel appreciated and loved and pretty. Maybe one day.
Michelle, I have been in most of your situation. I'm 5'2" also and met my last BF online. I also lied about my weight until it was time to move to New York. I had been too lonely for FAR too long and was in a bad situation when we first met online. He showered me with attention and compliments online, phoned to chat with me for hours at a time and made me feel beautiful and loved, so naturally, I fell HARD for him. He promised me that if I moved to New York, he'd make me happy for the rest of my life. He seemed like my knight in shining armor UNTIL I moved from Chicago to New York.
The first two weeks after I arrived in New York he was attentive to my physical needs. After the first couple weeks, the compliments stopped. The long lovers' chats stopped. I couldn't get him off his computer for sex, let alone anything else. His reasoning for not wanting sex or to do anything but work and online gaming was that he was "stressed" due to work, financial issues, etc.
Until I got a job I never asked for anything I wanted or needed because I felt bad that I wasn't contributing to the household finances. I had to find my own way around, he couldn't even be bothered to help me learn my way around my new home to LOOK for a job!
He knew that having a car was important to me. He said nobody in New York needs one. I wanted to advertise in the Village Voice to find girl friends to hang with. He said he wasn't comfortable with me doing that because they were "strangers". I wanted to meet his Mom. He said she and her husband smoked and he didn't like going there and he wouldn't invite her over to our place no matter how many times I asked him to. His brother would come over and he'd meet him outside rather than invite him in to visit with US. No matter what I wanted or needed, he always threw up a roadblock. When I'd be unhappy and cry he'd tell me that "nothing was ever easy with me" and he'd tell me I was "giving him a headache". There are SOOOOO many similarities in our situations!
The problem wasn't my excess weight, NOR was it ME. HE was the problem. His controlling ways, his lack of attention, his critical comments. I waited for things to change, I asked for changes I needed to be happy, I LEFT him and went home to Chicago after 8 months when NOTHING changed. Then I heard "Baby, I LOVE you! Come back home! I'll make sure you're happy this time! I'm sorry!" I hauled my butt BACK to New York from Chicago (at my expense) and it was the same thing all over again. Worse actually.
I left him again a year later and have missed him terribly and it's taken 6 years to get over him because I loved him with all my heart and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But I'm a stronger happier person without him now and ready to start dating again soon. Time really does heal all wounds.
I don't know you except for your 3FC posts and I'm not suggesting you should leave him so much as suggesting that you need to read all of your posts about your man. You're a beautiful woman, inside and out. I believe that you have ALOT to offer an employer, your man, your friends ... and you owe it to yourself to have a well rounded and happy life. And what you've described isn't well rounded nor happy.
I have no super advice for you but I can send a hug from someone who's been there.
The problem wasn't my excess weight, NOR was it ME. HE was the problem. His controlling ways, his lack of attention, his critical comments. I waited for things to change, I asked for changes I needed to be happy, I LEFT him and went home to Chicago after 8 months when NOTHING changed. Then I heard "Baby, I LOVE you! Come back home! I'll make sure you're happy this time! I'm sorry!" I hauled my butt BACK to New York from Chicago (at my expense) and it was the same thing all over again. Worse actually.
it sure does take time to heal after this type of thing happens to you. for so long we are told it's US, we are doing this wrong, if we did this it would be better - but these type of guys set the bar impossibly so high to reach to ever make them happy. if it wasn't us, it would of been someone else they could control. Our only mistake is staying with them hoping they'll change. now we live and learn if things aren't right, if you talk and ask for changes and they don't happen soon, don't wait years hoping they will change.
Last edited by ringmaster; 09-08-2009 at 06:07 AM.
I just started reading the article and the first thing I see is -
There is a type of pain a woman experiences when, after years of faithful marriage, she begins to witness changes in her husband that, when confronted, are then said to be the creation of the wife's imagination, a plot to hide her own actions, or the perception of a woman in need of psychiatric help
I am always at fault here, always. And more than once he has said it is due to me being "psycho", because of the emotional issues I do have :|
Oh and it is too easy for me to believe since I was diagnosed, either rightfully so or no, with depression, anxiety, bpd, mild agoraphobia...so yeah, when he has said that I think it is probably true so then I apologize and promise to try and get my craziness under control :|
*You're reaching.
*You see everything in the most negative way! *You're always nagging me about something all the time.
*You're making things up in your head or blowing things out of proportion.
*Your imagination is working overtime.
*You have an overactive imagination.
*You take everything wrong.
*You see everything wrong.
*You have never believed in me, then!
*You probably never believed in me when we took our vows!
With these guys "it is always your fault ." Please be careful Michelle that it doesn't turn into "you made me do it."Please take care of yourself, you deserve better.
