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Old 09-06-2009, 06:48 PM   #121  
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Thanks so much Roxy and Bill
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Old 09-06-2009, 07:09 PM   #122  
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I felt before like he was trying to protect me because of how strongly I felt about being in public and/or around people but now I just think it is more he is embarrassed of me. I walk around in pants that are way too big and shirts that swallow me up, again to keep it light on his wallet. He sees my clothes don't fit so if he wanted he would offer to take me to get some. I have even mentioned thrift stores and he never says anything. One thing I am proud of is I really really wanted to go in the kitchen and eat everything I could find to punish him but I knew it would really only be punishing me so I worked out instead. I don't want everyone going off from this and thinking my boyfriend is some cruel person that I should be running away from. He does provide me with a roof over my head and food and basics so I am grateful for that anyway.
Michelle, you're always so nice, and your posts have always buoyed my spirits, I hope you don't mind me adding a voice here.

1. you always strike me as a smart, savvy lady, want you to know that.

2. I could really relate to you when you wrote about how you felt like his reactions stemmed from him being embarrassed of your weight. I have gone to that place with guys too, too many times. I have cried and suffered with it, only to find out that wasn't what was going on at all. My bf didn't want me to meet his family years ago. I was sure it had to do with my looks. No, he finally admitted, it was because they were kooky (and it was and is true, they're kooky!) If I could spare you even one tear over that issue, I would be happy. And I'm quite a bit larger than you! (that's just one example, I could easily give you twenty.)

3. If you go back and read your posts, I bet you'll catch that you sound pretty dang angry at this guy, frustrated, and itchy, itchy, itchy for things to change. that's a healthy thing. congratulations!

you have to admit, chica muy bonita, you've let this guy have things pretty easy. Yeah, he came and got you and is supporting you, but I bet the list of things you do for him is long. it makes sense to me that he might resist change since any change will mean him making more of an effort and giving more, financially and otherwise. esp since you're operating at just about bare minimum now.

you know, one thing I hate about being big is that it has contributed to shrinking of my self esteem. I've let men take financial and emotional advantage of me, with the thought that I was too fat to deserve something better in the back of my head.

I had a roommate in college whose boyfriend treated her wonderfully (such a nice guy). I complained to him one time how mad it made me when guys wouldn't hold doors open for me (that was quite a few years ago when that behavior was more the norm; now it's hold the what for who?? heh heh). He said, something along the lines of, you have act like you expect it. That's to say, people will tend not to do and give things to you if project that you feel like you don't deserve it in the first place.

I hate to say I think the following is true because, believe me, I've sailed -- and sail -- in that boat, but being nice, and giving, and loving, and never asking for anything hoping that another person will see my need and that I deserve to have what I want/need given to me, has always been a lost cause. I'm still learning how to do it, but I think there has to be an internal, quiet insistance, and when I know in my heart that compromise can't be met, that negotiations will be rejected, that all my efforts to rectify what I feel to be wrong can't be made right, then I have to move on. Listen to your instincts, the truth about what you need to do and how you really feel will keep poking it's head up.

Much good luck to you.
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Old 09-06-2009, 07:36 PM   #123  
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dragonwoman -

What a powerful post, thank you very very much
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Old 09-06-2009, 07:51 PM   #124  
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Ya'll give me belief that all hope for myself, my life is not long gone.
Are you kidding!? Sweetie, your best days are left to come. That is true for all of us. We all have some of the happiest times in our lives ahead of us.

No offense to your bf, yet not holding your hand, cuddling, or witholding other types of affection--to me, is plain cruel. I don't know how he can claim to "love" you without this...I understand not every man is touchy feely...

If I had a a mate that achieved what you have done: I would have thrown a big party in your honor to meet my family, bought you clothes, taken you to the salon, bought you jewelery with footwear and then shown you off around town.

I think you working and finding a real life support network is a solution to many of the areas of stress. We are meant to be social. Healthy couples have different friends and hobbies, and other activities to keep it interesting. You both would have loads to talk about and your BF wouldn't be so stressed. Good luck.
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Old 09-06-2009, 07:58 PM   #125  
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Reading all these (well, most, god this was a long thread! hehe SOMEONE'S loved here on 3FC!! ) just had me shaking my head. It was incredible to me to read your story, and Sirenity's, etc.... because I have/had a very similar story to you guys.

In 2007, I was in a really bad place. Lost my job, lost my apartment, was staying with a friend for free but only had a place until August, car broke down & out for the count, in a un-ending friends with benefits relationship that was breaking my heart, etc. Was talking to a guy who'd been my online friend since I was 15. He'd just gotten out of a marriage, was being transferred to a new base (he's in the airforce) and wanted a roommate and wanted to give "us" a chance like we'd talked about many, many years before that.... 9 years, to be precise.

Though I was paranoid about all of it... especially because of my weight (I was roughly 250ish)... I realized that it was just about the only out life seemed to be giving me at the time, so despite my misgivings, I took him up on his offer. Thus, he "saved" me too.

We moved in together... he was happy with me, surprisingly more than I could have reasonably hoped for giving how I looked at the time.... huge, pasty, sick, an alcoholic, depressed, burned, cynical, etc. I'd already decided I wanted to turn my life around, so I managed to find a job within the first week of living there and got to work saving money, paying off old bills, and getting caught up with stuff financially which of course made me feel better.

However, I was working at a restaurant, making next to no money and eating more than I should have by far. My health wasn't getting any better, and we worked opposite shifts. It quickly became the same situation that Onederchic is descibing... he's tired, doesn't want to take me anywhere (not even once a week) without complaining about how he doesn't want to leave the house, despite the fact that I want to leave the house and area (the place I worked at was practically in our backyard!!). On top of all that... working and everything... I made sure the house was always clean, always cooked for him when I was home, took care of all the grocery shopping, laundry, etc. And I couldn't even get one measly date from him. I begged him to take me out on the weekends... but the only time he could be roused from his computer or video games would be when the neighbor would invite us out. There was never "us" time, no matter how many times I talked to him about it, explained my feelings, how I wanted to spend time together, or have some "me" time even out and away from the area where we lived and worked..... he'd say he understood, but nothing ever changed.

Things just didn't feel right with me. I could never allow myself to get close enough to him, because of the resentment of being cooped up constantly. It got worse and worse and worse til I decided I was done cooking and cleaning and being nice to a guy who just refused to hear me when I said I was miserable. I decided I'd paid him back his $200 plane ticket with all my cooking and cleaning and the laundry I'd done those five months and I decided to break up with him.... but in this, he surprised me and broke up with ME. Said that he still loved me, always, as a friend... but things just didn't feel right.

I can't tell you how indignant I was with him for breaking up with me before I could break up with him!!! Hurt, even! Even though I was going to break up with him and pretty much couldn't STAND the guy!!

To this day.... getting away from him was the best thing I've ever done. Well, one of them. Truly, I'll always be grateful to him for helping me out in my hour of need... but I was there for him too after his divorce, and to help him get back on his feet living alone. And when I came back... I got back on my feet, ALONE (well, I moved in with a friend who needed a roommate, and we split the bills evenly), and then eventually went on to turn my life completely around. I'm working on my health, and doing a pretty good job of it I think!, and taking care of some of my family members in THEIR hours of need..... and I've got an amazing boyfriend, an upcoming vacation I've been waiting to go on for two years, and will be going back to school next year.

Truly..... if it's meant to be, stay with him. But don't stay with someone because you feel grateful for what he did. Not only have you paid him back over the years with love, and gratitude, but probably all those little things you've done on the side too that guys don't really want to seem to notice. What he did for you WAS amazing.... but we, as human beings, are SUPPOSED to do amazing things for people we care about in their hours of need. Do you expect someone to be beholden to you for life because you help them out one time? I sure as heck don't. Do something for someone because you want to... not because you want a life long slave. Stay with someone because they're right for you, because they're your best friend.... not because you owe them. That's wrong to you, and to him.

Good luck chica....

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Old 09-06-2009, 08:33 PM   #126  
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better health and Amanda -

Thank you both so very much. I know I have a lot of soul searching and thinking and self learning to do.

Amanda, your story made me think of something. I do all the cleaning and laundry and etc around here and if I happen to mention did he notice this or that he will say he has more things on his mind than the carpet or whatever I mentioned :|.

But anyway, I am on a mission to find me again and to love me again. That much is for sure. Wish me luck!


Hugs
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Old 09-06-2009, 08:45 PM   #127  
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OMG! Is it so hard for him to say "It looks nice baby, Thank you"? Geeez. My guy always notices when I do something around here or have primped extra on any given day. It really isn't hard to be kind to people. Especially the people you live with and are supposed to love and are partners with.
I really wanna strangle some sense into this guy!
I bet he'd notice if you stopped doing those things!

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Old 09-06-2009, 08:51 PM   #128  
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Old 09-06-2009, 09:44 PM   #129  
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I do all the cleaning and laundry and etc around here and if I happen to mention did he notice this or that he will say he has more things on his mind than the carpet or whatever I mentioned :|
Oh heck no.

I'm sorry.... but there is no job out there more important than another person's job and hard work. We all take care of our little corner of the world... our loved ones should recognize that! How about he gives YOU the car, you go work, and he sits his *ss at home and does all the cooking and cleaning and everything else?? Then we'll see who's begging to be given some fresh freakin air. Which you'd probably do for him a lot faster than he does for you!! Even my naive and blind ex had the decency to thank me and praise me now and then for little things like that, though it didn't do much for the chemistry part of our relationship.... it at least helped us acknowledge each other as PEOPLE. WORTHWHILE people.

He needs to get some freakin respect for you, point blank. That's BS. You deserve a lot more respect than all that after all that you've overcome and accomplished and come out the other end from! And if he doesn't like that? Well, then, he needs to find a woman who doesn't need that.... cos you DO. And good luck to him trying to find a mate in this life that can't appreciate and love the person who loves him AND is bound and determined to make herself and her life better... and who is doing a bang up job at it!

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Old 09-06-2009, 09:50 PM   #130  
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Oh heck no.

I'm sorry.... but there is no job out there more important than another person's job and hard work. We all take care of our little corner of the world... our loved ones should recognize that! How about he gives YOU the car, you go work, and he sits his *ss at home and does all the cooking and cleaning and everything else?? Then we'll see who's begging to be given some fresh freakin air. Which you'd probably do for him a lot faster than he does for you!! Even my naive and blind ex had the decency to thank me and praise me now and then for little things like that, though it didn't do much for the chemistry part of our relationship.... it at least helped us acknowledge each other as PEOPLE. WORTHWHILE people.

He needs to get some freakin respect for you, point blank. That's BS. You deserve a lot more respect than all that after all that you've overcome and accomplished and come out the other end from! And if he doesn't like that? Well, then, he needs to find a woman who doesn't need that.... cos you DO. And good luck to him trying to find a mate in this life that can't appreciate and love the person who loves him AND is bound and determined to make herself and her life better... and who is doing a bang up job at it!
WORD!
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Old 09-06-2009, 09:51 PM   #131  
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On a level down deep inside, I know you are right but why I am not at the point to really realize and do something..I dunno but hopefully soon. Thanks again, Amanda
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Old 09-06-2009, 09:52 PM   #132  
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And Roni too
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Old 09-06-2009, 10:11 PM   #133  
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On a level down deep inside, I know you are right but why I am not at the point to really realize and do something..I dunno but hopefully soon. Thanks again, Amanda
I'm so pleased! It will take time, but we know you will get there. Keep coming back, we'll give you all the support and love you need.

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Old 09-06-2009, 10:15 PM   #134  
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Jeez-o pete! Go away camping for the weekend without my computer and LOOK at everything I'm behind on!

I have to say I agree with everyone that you need to re-think your expectations and try to look at your situation objectively. I understand that you're not being physically abused and I think that's very important. But there's more to life than just being bruise-free. And honestly - if we all think you deserve better shouldn't YOU think you deserve better?

Life is about joy and adventure and that peaceful easy feeling. You deserve all of those things. Now. Or as soon as you're ready.
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Old 09-06-2009, 10:22 PM   #135  
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Well, he just called from his last break at work and has me so mad right now I can't even think but I am beginning to lean more towards others perspective on this so called relationship.
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