Michelle I do Have to agree he dont love you. Continue looking for a church you can join. Their are alot of people willing to help you jest have to speak up. I have been reading your post and They way I see it and I may be wrong but the things he does and says are to me Emotional abuse to you. Anything to keep you in the place you are now . Let me say if you ask any one here they will tell you that yes they struggle with money problems. Who dont right now. But that doesn't stop them from being people. Thats a excuse that he uses on you cause he knows it works. What is the deal that his son knows nothing about you. So does this mean that his son never's comes to his place?
Honey after a year and 1/2 it is time to break them chains. Do what ever to meet new people and get out their. Join a church and feel good for your self. You have to have a life too that jest dont revolve around him. Please dont feel bad about postig on here with it is a thought or some about your BF everyone is here to help you out. So I am gonna send you some angels to let you know you are special and that we Love Ya too.
Oh and By the way the address thing is BS to sounds like he dont want no one to know you are their. Bythe way I wonder what his Parents think . Do they know of you.
Local churches are a good option and you could seek them out and even ask for assistance.
Also, New York state has many options for people that need housing/assistance. You could even call/write one of the places and ask for suggestions. You aren't in an abusive relationship but you are in a controlling one and you could tell them that you have no money, your boyfriend won't let you get a job, you are isolated and he wants to keep you isolated. They may be able to offer you services or point you in the right direction. http://www.hud.gov/local/ny/homeless/shelters.cfm (Look under options for Women and General shelters)
I also don't know where you live but where I live versus where my inlaws live is vastly different. Public transportation here is great, there they have it but it isn't as good. They also have to drive 15-20 minutes to get to any type of shopping, which means it is 10+ miles away.
Getting involved in a local church community sounds like a great way to start some independence if they do offer transportation.
Now, I am not making excuses but a 15 minute drive seems like it would be an awful long walk especially up here in NY where the winter times are brutal
Oh yeah, lol dont I know that - I live in Michigan! I dont think you're making up excuses at all - you dont know the area. There is always the chance that there is something closer, but you have no way of knowing. Thats why I suggested looking it up, you might be surprised, and find that there is something closer to you.
And while I dont go to church, I do think thats a good idea. Find one, again in walking distance would be good, so he cant say anything about the gas money or having to take time, to drive you there. Meeting people outside of him will be good for YOU.
I agree with Lizzy, honestly. I've gone through the gamut of guys and their games... and girl, THAT WAS A PLOY.
One thing I'd like to point out is this:
Anyone who truly loves you and is concerned for your safety would NOT send you back to a place he/she knows that could probably wreck your life or even kill you. Point blank. Even if they wanted to end things with you, they'd help you get on your feet and go somewhere else, safer.
I think you need to start planning for an eventuality that things are going to go sour. Do you really want to wait until he decides you're not worth his effort or stress or whatever anymore? Start planning now... in whatever way you can. Get a job you can walk to, talk to anyone you know that might be looking for a roommate, etc. Don't it come up from behind and give a swift kick.... especially not after all the hard work and amazing efforts you have put into turning your life around!
It sounds horrible, scary, and hard.... and it can be sometimes.... but liberation is the most exhilarating and rewarding moment in your life.... probably only second after your weight loss achievements. I don't think you'll ever regret it... it's all just a matter of making the plans now and putting them into action... even if it means behind his back!
OK, it's time to get practical and take action. I completely understand why you feel you can't leave right now. You are still emotionally tied to this man, and the reality is that you really don't have any other place to go and you don't have any money. I've been there and I know it seems impossible, but God will make a way, but you have to do your part.
You can sit and wallow in your misery or you can start taking action. Google your town and blow up the map. You can put it on satellite and probably see your face in the window, it works that well. Find out every single thing you can about where you are living.
Call every single church and find one that will pick you up for services. So, many churches pick up kids and elderly for Sunday morning services and I'm sure there is one that will be more than happy to pick you up. Go to church, meet people, and be open with them about your situation. Before you know it doors will open to you and someone will step in to help change your life.
Stop asking your boyfriend and start telling him. Tell him that you will not go back to TN, ever. He brought you there and he is going to continue to support you until you get yourself in a position to help yourself. Tell him that you will no longer hide from the world and he better just get used to it. We teach people how to treat us and it's time for you to do some teaching that benefits you. Sweetie, you are going to have to stop being the victim and allowing him walk all over you. Dry those eyes, dig deep inside for your power, and take the control of your life back. Have faith in yourself.
Michelle, I think there is something seriously wrong with this man. Why so secretive about his address and telephone number ? Who is he hiding from ? The answer to that may be why he never takes you anyplace. I think the idea about finding a church is an excellent one . Just call one that you are interested in and see if someone near you would pick you up. This happens all the time at the churches I am familiar with. If you decide you need to get out of this situation see if you can find a live-in job., caretaker for an elderly person or perhaps someone with a disabality needs a helper. or a live-in babysitter are some possibilities. I just feel the situation is so potentially dangerous. I hope I am wrong, but this man seems to be unable to have a loving, caring relationship. He seems to be very selfish. In todays economy money is a concern to all of us. Maybe we have to work overtime or maybe both partners need to work. All this harping about money, is, I believe a cover up for something else. I don't know what , but the way you describe him makes me nervous. I wish you well and as I have said before, you deserve better.
I think the talk was a great thing and I hope you have more talks in the future. I hope this opens up a door to perhaps really start living together, not just as separate people. I know only time will tell and hearing the man you love say he wants to send you home...very hard. *HUGS*
I've had moments like this with my boyfriend, they are really tough to work through. I don't even have friends either...can't drive...getting out there and gaining our independence back, all of us who are in need to do that, is very important.
I hope you and he come together as a couple, but only if that is what you really want and need.
I don't think you're pathetic. You are just learning how to live again...it takes time.
I agree with absolutely EVERYTHING Pita just said....... when there's a will, there's a way!! And you obviously have the will... you just need to apply it to this situation now. Your best bet would probably be to start with a church... because they WILL help you out.... and go from there. Otherwise, all the other things these lovely ladies above me have suggested could work too!
Michelle, I think there is something seriously wrong with this man. Why so secretive about his address and telephone number ? Who is he hiding from ? The answer to that may be why he never takes you anyplace. I think the idea about finding a church is an excellent one . Just call one that you are interested in and see if someone near you would pick you up. This happens all the time at the churches I am familiar with. If you decide you need to get out of this situation see if you can find a live-in job., caretaker for an elderly person or perhaps someone with a disabality needs a helper. or a live-in babysitter are some possibilities. I just feel the situation is so potetntially dangerous. I hope I am wrong, but this man seems to be unable to have a loving, caring relationship. He seems to be very selfish. In todays economy money is a concern to all of us. Maybe we have to work overtime or maybe both partners need to work. All this harping about money, is, I believe a cover up for something else. I don't know what , but the way you describe him makes me nervous. I wish you well and as I have said before, you deserve better.
I didn't even think of live in jobs! Really, you seem to be this guys housekeeper, at least with a live-in job, you'd get money as well as doing the work. You might need to contact a local employment agency and ask them about options for this.
Change is soooo hard. Even when we know it's what's needed and is for the best. We become so comfortable in what is known, as opposed to the unknown. Just look how hard it was to do things that you knew would benefit your life, but you didn't do them anyway.
This is no different. Change is what is needed here. And I think you know that. And yes, it will be hard. But it's what's necessary. And then when you do it, you will look back and realize it's the best decision you could have made. You will wonder why you put it off. You will wonder why you didn't do it sooner. You will realize that it has incredible benefits. You will once again discover how strong and capable you are. You will find joy that you didn't know was possible. It'll be another adventure. You will grow. You will gain your own self respect. You will wonder how you ever let yourself live "like that" and settle for so little. You will realize that it really wasn't so hard after all. You will discover who you were meant to be.
Robin, you so totally rock and everything you said here is the truth. It took me 4 yrs to FINALLY get fed up enough to leave my abuser, and also took me a few yrs after the fact to be able to look back on that time and wonder WTF was I thinking? WTH was I doing??? Why did it take me soooo long. I was a COMPLETELY different person when I was with him, someone I don't even recognonize and at the time, I thought that fool was the love of my life. It took me quite sometime to realize that wasn't love. Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't make us cry, and feel worthless and pathetic. Love makes us bloom into a flower. Love helps us realize there's NOTHING we can't do.
Another thing, when I was homeless because of my alcoholic abuser, he had gotten us kicked out of sooo many places, this last time, he went back to GA to stay with his Aunt while I opted to stay in TN because even as a homeless person, I was working a PT job AND going to school FULL time. One day I was very hot and went to a library for a little bit of A/C. While there I saw a sign for a Safe Space shelter and I gave them a call. They took my in with open arms, gave me a room, clothes, counseling and allowed me to stay until I had enough $$ saved to get my own place and that's exactly what I did. The eniitre time I was there, I felt bad, because I didn't see myself as an abused person. I felt like I was deceiving them and I felt bad, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. It wasn't until about 2 weeks AFTER I left there and I let the abuser back into my life and home, after the "honeymoon" period was over and he was back to his old ways, that I realized, OMG, I am being abused! LIGHT BULB!!!!!! It wasn't long after that I was finally over him and finally over being mistreated. He could not even respect the fact that I busted my butt to get us a roof over our head. Nope, according to him, I was still a fat (150 pound), useless, worthless, dumb (3.5 GPA) POS B-word. Yeah....it was soooooooo over at that point because I was ME again and I KNEW that I deserved better, even if it meant being a lone. All I can say now is when I look back on those times, I don't recognize who that girl was. Not even a little bit.
I only hope it doesn't take our dear Michelle as long as it did me.
And with that, Michelle, I'm about to pm you girly.
So if you made it through all that, give yourself a pat on the back and a hug from me cause you rock.
Hugs
Michelle
I did, because I care about you. You were very brave to put it all out on the table.( I mean to him, not to us) Perhaps some of the answers you got may help guide you towards your next courageous steps. What does he do for work? Don't feel obligated to answer if its not comfortable for you.
It does seem like there would be a church that would have someone willing to get you out a bit. It might help you gain some perspective. Where I live, there is a home where women in transition can come live for 6 months and receive emotional support while they have time to figure out their next step.
My heart goes out to you....and I understand going back to TN is not an option for you...it's ok...you don't have to.
Michelle, I think there is something seriously wrong with this man. Why so secretive about his address and telephone number ? Who is he hiding from ? The answer to that may be why he never takes you anyplace. I think the idea about finding a church is an excellent one . Just call one that you are interested in and see if someone near you would pick you up. This happens all the time at the churches I am familiar with. If you decide you need to get out of this situation see if you can find a live-in job., caretaker for an elderly person or perhaps someone with a disabality needs a helper. or a live-in babysitter are some possibilities. I just feel the situation is so potentially dangerous. I hope I am wrong, but this man seems to be unable to have a loving, caring relationship. He seems to be very selfish. In todays economy money is a concern to all of us. Maybe we have to work overtime or maybe both partners need to work. All this harping about money, is, I believe a cover up for something else. I don't know what , but the way you describe him makes me nervous. I wish you well and as I have said before, you deserve better.
I completely agree with this and didn't even think of live in jobs. Michelle you'd be wonderful at that! And I've thought the same exact way as Bargoo, he is just weird, scary weird...Kidnapperish....weird...
honestly, it shook me up to read he threatened to take you back to TN. He may love you, but he isn't loving you in a healthy way at all. I agree that it's emotional abuse (he may be scared of losing you and that's the only way he knows of behaving). And I completely agree with all of Pita's suggestions! great advice.
I think the way for you to get to the place where you're going to feel emotionally able to leave is to get out, meet people, do things that make you feel independent and supported outside of this guy. Even gathering the information about your area and local resources I'd bet will be a baby step that can move you forward. Read the local newspapers, grab a telephone book, use the internet. Find your local chamber of commerce/city hall, many times they have compiled lists of local resources and information that they mail or email for free.
Remember, people hide in the dark when they know they're doing something wrong. I'd bet if his family, his son, neighbors, co-workers, ex wife, etc., knew how he was treating you, there would be major criticism. I do wonder that some of them aren't more curious about it, but maybe they have a lot their dealing with in their own lives, and in domestic situations it can be very tricky for an outsider to step in.
I'm sure gazillions of women can relate to what you're going through, Michelle. Give yourself major points for speaking out and getting help, that's tough to do. You have a strong will to make a better life for yourself, you've lost an incredible amount of weight, you've stopped smoking. Now listen to what I say, you are not alone, your dad and husband and other loved ones are standing next to you now and want to help give you the strength to move forward. They want you to have the life you deserve too. Hang in there, take a deep breath, and just start doing.
I've stayed out of this until now, but Michele, I just want to give you my version of a reality check.
There is NO WAY that someone who really cares for you would suggest packing you up and sending you away because of money.
He wants to be rid of you and is looking for an excuse. Money is the convenient one, the one that he thinks no one can argue with. It's bull****. He's trying to ignore that you exist so he doesn't have to deal with you. He wants to come out of this looking like the good guy.
Start figuring out what you're going to do. You do have options, even though they aren't the greatest. Try to find your own housing, even a homeless shelter or women's shelter. Agencies are available to help you--you don't have to depend on this guy. Help is out there but you are going to have to go looking for it--it won't come to you without some effort on your part.
I have to say, you have put yourself into this situation, and you can get yourself out of it. It may mean being uncomfortable for awhile, but enough is enough. How much worse do you want it to get?
I don't think you'll ever regret it... it's all just a matter of making the plans now and putting them into action... even if it means behind his back!
