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Why Can’t I do This?

Every time I tell myself “this is it”, it never, ever is. Is it because I’m just not looking for motivation in the right places? Is it because I don’t have time, or is that an excuse? I need to MAKE time, but I hardly know how. I need to find motivation, but I’m starting to think it’s a lost cause. I asked myself yesterday what was blocking me, and undoing all the hard work I’d gone through three years ago. I was a different girl then, and I haven’t been able to find her since. The truth of the matter is, I have forgotten how to love myself, and I feel like doing this for me just isn’t a good enough reason, because I don’t care enough about myself to make the effort.

How do you learn to love yourself? How do you find strength when you’re surrounded by fears and anxitiest and restrictions? I want to forget everything and focus on me, but that’s impossible.
I keep saying, “I’ve done this all before, I know how to do it”, and yet I’m still stagnating. How many more times will I tell myself, “This is it. This is the one.” ?

At this point, I think I need a miracle.

I read back on blog today, because I am desperately searching for inspiration inside of myself. A lot of these posts made me smile, made me want to cry, and made me remember why I went to such great lengths to shed the weight. But I can’t say that nostalgia is enough to save me now that I have put 30lbs back on. I can make admissions to myself, and promises, but they never work out. When will I be able to make this commitment? I’m going to try again. Try, try again. I’m so tired of saying it, so tired of typing it, and so tired of never following through. I’m tired of trying, but I’m going to do it anyways. So good luck, me. Let’s do this the way we used to do it.

I’m not going to count calories.
I’m not going to track my food.
I’m not going to be obsessed with hitting some crazy high calorie workout. I understand the science, but science isn’t working for me.
I’m going to take another leap of faith. Faith in myself. I need to have faith in myself.

My starting weight is: 197.4 on 2/22/13.
My next weigh in is: 3/1/13

No fast food till 4/1/13
No weighing in till 3/1/13
Please do this. You need to do this, me!

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