The Life and Times of a Fat Girl (Rated R)

If sarcasam and wit could burn calories I would look like Nicole Richie.

Guess who is back! December 21, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 3:13 pm

Yes, ladies, yes, yes, yes. I am alive. I know I left this thing a while back – due to some insane life experiences…. things have been kind of wonky when it comes down to my love life. I also get swamped around the end of the year due to Halloween and being a special effects artist and Christmas – well, just being Christmas as working and such….

SO, when I last left you all, um, I think I was just under 250 – now I am 229. I have to admit, I have been insanely lax when it has come down to calorie counting lately – and that is all about to change. I have officially lost 50 pounds or something around there, and I can easily say I have kicked the food addiction, which is like heroin. I missed you guys – you kept me accountable.

But things have been SO bafflingly bizarre that I am not even sure where to begin. Ah, Yes, the diminishment of my 7 year relationship – and ending up in bed with the love of my life. Interesting circumstances. Sarah, my e-BFF, whom I met on 3FC, had dubbed the love of my life PHP, or Professor Hot Pants, so I will refer to him as such from now on. Well, I ended up joining Facebook, along with my girl Manda, from Mandaland Blog, and after losing this guy for 4 or so years, guess who manages to find me on there. We ended up going out whenever I could get out of the house, and thing just went a little crazy because even after all this weight loss, I still felt like there was no way this man could ever love, or even like me for that matter. He started looking at me differently. Admitted to staring at my pictures online. Even wrote me some songs. Yeah, I was having a Jane Austen attack too. But I had placed him on this pedestal and still was having a hard time believing that this beautiful creature could even think of me like he did. He ended up being stressed out to the max with work and I ended up house sitting in the middle of nowhere – so I invited him to come down. I believe in this grouping of Karmic God’s, who I talk to 85 times a day, and as I was driving to the house on a grocery store ( I was going to make him dinner)  I talked to the roof of my car, asking for not one, but two signs from them to let me know if I should make my move. No crap people, as I was standing out back checking out the stars with him – two shooting stars fly right by the moon. No Shit. Needless to say the rest of it is history. I move out of my house in March.

Which, is a good thing, a very good thing, because the ex boyfriend does nothing but bring home junk food and various nasty things. He is under the impression that i am leaving him because I can now fit my ass into a size 18/20 pants – which might be true because I don’t know if I could have had the balls to kiss PHP if I was still almost 300 pounds. He, thankfully, never saw me that way – as we met 6 years ago, lost touch, I gained, I lost every pound he never got to see, and returned like maybe 5 pounds lighter.

So, calorie counting is back on, I miss you guys – mostly Eileen – and now you guys get to see my new face. haha. Let me know what you think…..


Kicked binging, kicked the diet mentality – now I have to fight myself to even eat. October 5, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 12:06 am

Okay, I realize that many of you have followed my posts about basically losing my mind and not thinking that I could do this. So here is my current dilemma.
The first week of dieting is easy. You are so engulfed in figuring out new things you can eat, the excitement and hope of losing that first few pounds, that you can just cruise through it.
The second week is brutal. Just brutal. You begin to notice the changes in your body and that is cool but you begin to notice how much food is shoved in your face, how much you miss the bag of doritos at night while watching TV.
You might cheat in the coming weeks, but it gets easier. Meaning that you are finally accepting this as a life style change.

Now – two months into this and twenty-five pounds gone -Well, I have hit something kind of weird. Since I threw my back out – about 2.5 weeks ago – working out has been excruciating. I have stuck with tai chi – which i love. It was easier when I was doing these massive work outs.

But I am so far away from hungry I am beginning to kind of spazz. I used to go over, and over and over on my calories but now I am lucky if I even hit my already low goal. I’m not dizzy, not famished, just not hungry. Everything is totally unappetizing. The chick who used to love food loathes it.

How do you force yourself to eat, when you aren’t hungry, without losing your mentality that you are just eating to survive?

Has anyone else hit this and how do they overcome this? How the crap do I get hungry?


Yeah, I am back! October 4, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 12:12 am

Ohhhh it has been a tedious couple weeks. Drama, weight loss, drama, more weight loss, some music being recorded.

I got a new dog. I have a new crush, outside of my boyfriend who lost his job and refuses to find another, I have some new pictures, I wrote three new songs, I saw New Kid on the Block. So, I know that I have been out of the loop for a while and Eileen, whose knee I hope feels better, I am back.

I am down to 245, which is awesome. I wish I was down 100 now for the main reason of someone who knew me at this weight 4 years ago has requested to see me. Dreamweaver status people. This man sends me through the moon and as sad as I say it – my current relationship is falling apart. But as selfish as I am – I will only be dismantling my current living situation if this other one pans out. Could be a long road. A very long road.

So I am feeling kind of spicy and I am gonna throw some pictures up.



Taco Bell Revenge September 26, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 2:22 pm

Okay, so my blog has seemingly flown by the wayside. I am going to have to ask for forgivness for the simple reason of using Eileen’s name in just about all my postings recently.

Oh, I am so going there… COME ON EILEEN, OHHHHH I AM DOWN ON MY KNEES, AT THIS MOOOOMENT YOU MEAN EVVVVERRYTHING. Okay, I am done and very sorry because I am sure anyone with that name probably wants to find Dexy and his Midnight Runners and kill them. I know I do, and my name is Paula.

So, I am down to 247 and that is awesome. So i figured it was about time to reward myself for all my hard work? Right? Wrong. I did the stupidest thing I could have as far as Goal Rewards and am still paying for it.


Oh, and those of you who stumble upon this website and don’t think poop humor is as funny as me – Sod Off. I gave this website a Rated R for a reason. If you look closely you will notice that it is joke poop in a joke shop. Oh, and take this:
So, I had a chalupa, some of those KFC fry things and a taco – oh, oh and the big one – non diet soda ( But i totally weinered out and got a sprite) Let me tell you folks – it tasted like golden hay in my mouth. So delicious. Sarah says that she is proud of me for dropping my Diet Nazi mentality for an evening and letting lose. But man, am I paying for it today. Let me know when I hit the TMI. haha.

Also – these pants fit at the beginning of my diet. Haha. No thanks to Taco Bell! Please ignore my messy house – 2 weeks of a bum back makes that happen.



Drinking, Dieting and Dad. September 23, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 5:13 pm

Are you there Eileen? It’s me, Paula. Below is the mental picture I had of Eileen when she saw that I hadn’t blogged in four days… and reminded me of it. lmfao.

Yes, folks I am still alive. Thanks to Eileen who reminded me how I had neglected this thing for four days.  I kind of went on a bender this weekend, which was both stupid and childish. I just had this hankering to get drunk and watch Star Trek. I go through these moods where I just like to drop off the face of the earth for a while. I even shut my phone off for 3 days and just wanted to be left alone.

What I then discovered during my ½ a bottle of rum is how quickly those calories take to tack on to your ass. I gained three pounds over the weekend and I even measured my calories with drinking. So lame. SO lame.

The worst part about the drinking lesson from this past weekend is that I have the New Kids on the Block concert this weekend with my friends and low and behold – we are getting wasted before going. I even made a T-shirt that says I heart Danny’s Wood.

I am not really sure what you guys know about empty calories and the gaining of weight but any advice you can throw my way would be most appreciated.

I believe my change in mood and despondence came from the fact that I kicked my dad out of my house. Andy was screaming at me and just being a lousy human being last week – he goes to work. Dad comes out and starts on me, and people, I lost my effing mind. I will go into more details later but I think I am gonna head into the tub to soak. My back is still bothering me and causing some big nerve to shoot pain down my knee.

I have dropped my calorie intake by twenty and need to see 148 or 147 within the week. Need it. Need it. Need it.

EDIT – SARAH SAYS – “If you figure out how to drop 110 in 3 days please god tell me” ( I meant to say 247 or 248 LOL)

I also met a really good new friend named Sarah on this crazy site… she is like my hetero-internet-soul mate. Here is a snippet of a conversation we had today about cupcakes.

Sarah – so my friend got a new book today
how to make cupcakes
like awesome cupcakes
just great

Paula – wow, that is cruel.  omg
i need candy
I would blow a child’s face off with a grenade launcher for frosting right now.


Oh, and also later on I will be telling you guys about my supercalafragalisticexpialiNSV.

But like I said.. bath. Lol.


Hit the goal… now for the photos. September 19, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 11:52 pm

Before (first ones) After (second ones)


I will be honest with you guys, I probably didnt pick the best outfit to rock out to… I don’t see much of a difference in these….i mean, i know that the pants are hella baggy on me… and the shirt isnt tight… but I am kinda bummed about the pictures… I can sorta see it because I know where to look….

But I am all about the honesty so I guess I lost 20 pounds of ass and face.. my measurments are as follows.

My beginning measurements are as follows:
Bust – 45

Naval – 50

Hip – 62

Thigh – 26

Neck 16.5

Upper Arm 16.5

My NEW measurements are as follows:

Bust – 42 – (-3)

Waist – 48 (-2)

Hip – 51 (-11.5) (dude, 11 friggan inches is like, almost a ruler)

Thigh – 23 (-3)

Neck – 15 (-1.5) (no change this week)

Upper Arm – 15 (-1.5) (No change this week)

Okay, so that adds up to a total of 22.5 inches lost and a total of 22 pounds gone… per-ity neat if you ask me. I just wish it showed in the pictures. Eh, screw it. I am sure it will be worth it when I drop 40. I just think the pictures in the same outfit really do speak volumes and I am gonna keep it up.



Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 3:38 pm


and my God Daughter was born yesterday afternoon at 3:18 p.m. Isabella “Izzie” Eden Light weighed in at 2 pounds 12 ounces. She is breathing on her own… and while I look like ass in this picture – i received about 15 compliments between posting it and this morning about my weight. I guess people know better than me! Thinking of it now…. i dropped what she weighs off my ass last week…. ponder on and discuss.


I see, a bad moon risin’ – I see trouble on the bend. September 17, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 1:41 am

Oh boy, Oh boy.
I am still holed up in bed, but managed to make it to a governmental meeting tonight even though I was in ruthless amounts of pain. Pretty amusing when the Mayor tells everyone in town how you look like you have lost weight.

Mayor “How much weight is it Paula,”

Paula “20 pounds sir,”

Mayor “You look fabulous!”

Paula *turning purple* “Thanks, now maybe I can find me a rich husband and not have to sit in this uncomfy chair.” 50 people laugh at my joke. I look over and realize the TV camera is on me.

What people don’t know is that I consider this guy to be my gay husband and while I shouldn’t be friends with a politician – I love this dude. So Eileen, I got my first compliment. On public television no less. Hehe.

Now, I have this really bizarre belief and no matter how much I try – I can tell you when the moon is full. Not because I turn into a werewolf and snatch children out of their cribs – but because 4 times out of the year things get really bad. Really, really bad. I believe that it has to due with my sign, or signs as I am a Cancer/Gemini. Three personalities I could be.

For example:
I get TOM.
My father decides to heckle me for my food choices (I wanted pizza for the first time in a friggan month) after eating my food for free and loafing on my couch. I hate him.
I throw my back out and have been bed ridden for three days now.
My best friend, who is pregnant with my first God Child, goes into labor three months early and now we aren’t sure if baby Izzie is going to make it. I am picking up my friends daughter tomorrow, after fighting her grandmother because the 16 year old wont be able to focus on school tomorrow, and going to let her hang out in bed with me for the day.
I then get to battle Boston traffic to go and visit my best friend who is scared shitless for her baby.

So I am really looking forward to things to stabilize. I know through my gut that the baby is going to live. I just think that she is going to have a very long road head of her.


I am so worried. September 16, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 1:01 am

Frustrated, annoyed and just down right miserable.

Here, I sit. Popped up in bed and bordering on terrified because of something that happened more than two years ago. My back hurts, and not just hurts but has rendered me useless. I can barely walk. You should see me even try to get out of bed.

I slipped two discs in my neck two years ago, and without having a health insurance, I waited until I wasn’t sleeping for weeks at a time to finally seek medical help. Three trips to the ER and each time I was treated like a drug shopper. (Someone who claims to have a medical issue just to get a fix.) After finally breaking down – they sent me in for a cat scan. I was then rushed into Boston for emergency surgery – put on morphine – and once it was decided that the nerve damage wasn’t as extreme as they thought – sent home and put on bed rest with steroids, narcotics and sleeping medication. I have only had once lapse in my neck since that week. But the fear came back in full force two nights ago when my lower back began to spasm. The pain and the idea of it cause an anxiety in me that rivals that of someone walking to the gallows.

I have no idea how it happened but I feel my weight has caused all these issues that leave me in so much pain I am rendered useless.   My initial injury came from the strain on my neck while sitting tilted at my desk while looking at the computer screen.

I don’t want to think that these back issues are going to continue and lead me to the hospital again.

I’m not going into panic mode and using it as an excuse to chow down. I have barely eaten. But I have no ability to exercise, no ability to control my meals, not willing to even register my calorie intake – probably for the reason of how much coffee can I drink isn’t really in my favor of the side of nutrition.  I haven’t pooped in two days. I am also on my period and the basic hygiene of that is like trying to manually pull my toenails out with a pair of pliers. I sneezed a few minutes ago and started crying.

Andy has been patient with me but having a man take care of you is like asking him to give you a kidney.

I also applied for a job co editing a paranormal magazine based on the show Ghost Hunters. I am over qualified but right now it is my only light at the end of a possibly long recovery.


This is how I am feeling today. I’m on the left. September 13, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — xyourbellemortex @ 2:56 pm



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