Finding Me

I didn’t get the chance to post Friday about WI thurs. nite because we left Friday to go camping for the weekend. It was a good night, I had lost 1.2 lbs, leaving only .2 away from my 10 percent goal. So, is this IF thing working? It seems to be, although like the sites say, it is definitly not a “lose weight quick” method. I’m losing 1-1 1/2 lbs per week since starting, which is about what I was doing before I went off track and hit that never-ending plateau. I seem to be okay healthwise and I’m happy with my slow but steady progress down, so I plan to keep it up at least for now. It helps me to not have to think about food all the time and when and what to eat so much. I’m getting in more than enought calories for health and metabolism, eating a lot of fruit and things. But I do need to get in more veggies on some days.

Starting tomorrow, we go back on our regular schedule at work so I’ll be getting off at 4:30 and working on Fridays again. This week is registration so I’ll be working real late Tues. & Wed. I’ll have to try to fit in my walking when I can, or else do some other in door exercise for a few days til the schedule allows me to get back to it. It helps me so much that I hate to miss it and getting back on track is hard after missing a few days! I haven’t taken time this past week to track my points and journal (I was still roughly keeping track) and I think I may get back to that just to make sure I stay on track. I count cal. in my head to make sure I’m not going too low but haven’t kept up with fat/fiber intake. I don’t wanna focus on it too much and be caught up in all that again, but I don’t want to get sick either from not doing it correctly.

I;ll be back in a few days to record how things are going. Now I’m off to the forums to read how things are going for everyone else!

Okay- went to WI and I had lost exactly 1 lb,  bring my total lost to 27.4 since March. It seems awful slow but I guess it works out to about 6.5lbs average per month. Oh for those days when I could lose 20 per month! But really, if was more on top of things and had fewer slips, I’d be losing faster. So as for the Intermittent fasting- I’m still working on how to do it properly. I eat lunch at work most days at my regular lunch time of 12:00. Then I eat supper with my family at night. I try to get in fruit, yogurt, etc in between so that I get in all my “healthy guideline foods”, but some times I’m busy and end up eating really late which is not good. I try to get my 2 mile walk in in the evenings which doesn’t help with the time crunch but what else can I do? The support sites for IF say the first 3 weeks or so are like this, with many people bingeing during their “eat” hours at first until they settle in to a routine that works for them. They also say some people actually gain weight the first coupla weeks, but I have lost 3.6 lbs since I started last week and that is WITH the times I have eaten too much of the wrong foods. I’m gonna keep working on it and try to get the right balance as long as its working and I feel good. i don’t want to do anything to jeopardize my health, but this way of eating is supposed to help your body by giving it time free from digestion issues to work on cell repair and other maintenance that our heavy food intake normally prevents. All hype? Maybe. There has been an awful of flack over low carb diets over the years and how unhealthy they are. I certainly thought that for years, but came to know different when I lived that life off and on over several years. And now more and more studies show that Dr. Atkins was right all along. Low carb is GOOD for your heart, cholesterol, etc, etc, when done correctly. I think this will be the same if I learn to do it in the healthiest way possible. We’ll see as time goes on. I’ll continue to post as I can and look back to see my progress or lack of as the case may be. If I start slipping or start feeling unhealthy then I’ll go back to my regular ww style eating. But at the very least, this has shaken things up and got me losing again!! See ya next time-

Pooh : )

Okay, went to WI Thursday night and I had lost 2.6lbs! I did the intermittant fasting all week and it was fine. I was a little hungry the first 2 mornings, but that went away later in the mornings. I would eat lunch at 12 during my break, then eat supper at home with my family. The only problem is getting in enough fruits and veggies in that time box, 12-8. Good planning can help with that-one night I came home and ate a whole steam bag of veggies which said the bag was 5 servings! But then I was stuffed! And on Wednesday night, I binged and ate 3 honey buns because I was not able to go home til real late and was starving and stressed out. My weight loss might have been even better without that mess. Then today I found myself eating because I was upset and worried about something that should have been happy news but had the potential to cause an argument between me and DH. So I ate 2 servings of ice cream. Yeah that’s gonna really help me shed the pounds. I went shopping this afternoon with DD and that was fun, mostly. Looking in those mirrors is torture-they showcase all the ugly fat that I sometimes forget is so grossly OUT THERE. I have been doing strength training for a few weeks, not always on schedule but pretty good, and things are starting to feel tighter and smaller from that and all the 2 mile walks. But then I see myself in the mirrors and oh boy, it looks so bad it makes me never want to eat again. But that kind of thinking is not gonna get me anywhere so I just have to keep going. I have to work on this new plan and figure out just how to do it where I get in all the fruits/veggies, lean protein, dairy, wholegrains that I need, without stuffing them all in too closely and feeling completely stuffed and sick.I know it’s possible, just have to put some time into making it work out right. Well, time to get off here and get other stuff done, so I’ll be back next week and we’ll see how it’s working then.

Well, it’s been a while since I could get back in here. It kept saying my password was in error, though I knew it wasn’t. I finally got them to reset and they sent some crazy long password that is probably very secure but I’ll never remember it! Speaking of remembering, I don’t know what my last rambling was about, and not sure how things were going at that time. So I’ll just start where I am now. Last week at weigh in, I had lost .4! Great. this week at WI, I had GAINED .4! GREAT! :(  I have been stuck here around 272 now for quite a while. Now a big part of the problem is not the WW program but me. DH bought me a flat of bluberries which I have been wanting and what do I do? I make a delicious blueberry cobbler. Now, I DID use only half the margarine (lite) and I used half sugar and half spenda to make it. But I ate 3/4’s of the pan!!! Way to go, Pooh!

 Somewhere on a site, I stumbled across the idea of “intermittent fasting”. That’s when you fast for a period of hours, usually 16 to 24 hours. Like if you ate 1 meal a day, and then don’t eat again until the same time the next day, that would be 24 hours. Lots of people do it for 16-18 hours, then eat healthily several times within the window of the other 6-8 hours. It made a lot of sense if you do it correctly. You do it several days a week, and then eat normally the other days. Some do 1 day on, 1 day off, back and forth, some do the work week and take the weekend off. There are all kinds of ways to do it, you do what works for your schedule and life. You do have to be careful to get in enough calories and nutrients. If you don’t, then your body simply goes into starvation mode, like mine did when I followed the KIMKINS diet. I lost 30 lbs in just over 30 days, but I lost muscle, my hair, and I was freezing all the time. But I was taking in probably 500 calories or less per day. I never want to put my body thru that again. It took months to feel healthy again. But, if done correctly, I think this will work. You’re getting in enough calories to maintain health, but you’re breaking your obsession with food. I spend so much time planning what to eat and when and how many points it is and am I getting this and getting that and did I go over my points, and on and on. It would be nice not to think about that stuff all the time. Back in January I had stumbled on that book about eating prayerfully, which is really intuitive eating using prayer to help you eat only when hungry and stop as soon as you are satisfied. I did it for about a month and felt wonderful. I remember I had so much energy!! I worked all day, and then came home and cleaned like crazy. I painted and re-did the laundry room during that time and got a lot done. I slept great, which is rare for me, but seemed to need less sleep.  But then , as usual, something happened that threw me off track and it seemed impossible to get back to doing it. Then my DF asked me to join WW with her, and that was the end of it. Now, I’m not quitting WW. It is helping me to stay accountable and I enjoy the meetings. But I am going to give this a try and see if it will shake things up enough to get me losing again. And it’s not just the weight loss but the other health benefits that are said to result from this way of eating. Yesterday, I ate 2 scrambled eggs for breakfast at 7. Then I didn’t eat til after WI. I was fine, no hunger or weakness, in fact I didn’t have that afternoon slump I usually have where I can hardly hold my eyes open. Because I am a compulsive eater, this may be the answer for me. I have realized that I’ve been eating way too much SF pudding, FF cool whip, low fat popcorn, low point breads, etc, etc. My body doesn’t need nearly as much food as I can fit into my points allowance. I need to stick to the fruits and veggies and lean proteins, and lay off all the processed foods.

Am I going off on another crazy search for the cure? I don’t know. I’ve spent my whole life searching for the way to lose weight and keep it off. There are a million diets and most of them work if you follow them religiously. But many of them are extremely unhealthy, and I have been taken in before in my desperation. I’ll just pray for guidance as I do this. After all, fasting has been used as a religious practice for thousands of years. And the author of that book did fast in just this way. At the time, I thought I couldn’t do that part (and didn’t) but I could do the prayerful eating and I did that fine. Lord, please help me to succeed with this. I think so often about the fact that my body is not really mine, but just on loan from you. And that I abuse it terribly, and then turn around and blame IT for the way I look and feel. My body is Your temple and I should treat it with the same love, respect, and reverance that I would your church. I’d never go in church and strew trash about, but I willingly fill my body with harmful junk over and over! Help me to treasure my body and all it does for me rather than hate it and long for someone elses.

I’m committed to trying this and seeing how it goes. Have to do it in a way that people don’t realize it, because of course I’ll get a lot of flack from well meaning loved ones. No need to worry them til I see if this is something that works for me. But I think it will be pretty easy to fast all day, eat in the evening with my family, and then eat healthily and normally on weekends. We’ll see. I’ll be back in a few days, and record how things are going. Who know? Maybe I’ll write my own book someday!! :  )

That was what I was gonna write last night but I was so tired and sleepy that I couldn’t  hold my eyes open and I went to bed. Well, I went tonight, after having to miss last week because of the retirement party, and I had lost .4. Disappointing because I felt I had done really well the past few days and I have been walking again. But then I had to remind myself that I had probably gained a couple of lbs from the previous weekend and then lost them. I do feel like I am back on track now. I am working really hard on eating when I am hungry (not just because it’s “Time to eat”) and stopping when I am full. Tonight, Liz didn’t go (too tired after closeout) so I went to Wendys after WW and got a small chili and 5 pc. chicken nuggetsfor 9 points, and then had a peach that was my afternoon snack from work (too busy to eat it then). Then I went and did my grocery shopping at Walmart. I
knew better than to go when I was hungry!Then I went to Little Caesars and picked up pizza to carry home for the guys. I was craving something sweet, and had entertained the idea of splurging for a candy bar or pastry while I was shopping. I convinced myself thtat I really did not want those things, but I did stop at McD.’s to get them tea, and I got myself a vanilla cone (3 pts.) I still had plenty of points left for the day, plus it was WI day, when I usally splurge, so I thought, I’ll order an apple pie. I ended up getting 2 because you get 2 for $1. After I ate the cone, I was really satisfied. It was as if the apple pies kept calling out to me “eat me, eat me”  but - I didn’t give in!! YAY me! I know that many times I have gotten 2 and ate them. Me and my closet binging. But I am proud that I didn’t give in and talked myself thru it. HOWEVER- at home I did end up eating 11/2 slices of the pizza. It was hot and cheesy and hard to resist. But I still didn’t eat the pies, and I had enough points to cover the pizza. Small baby steps are still steps in the right direction.

While walking, I am talking to myself (not out loud, don’t want people to think I’m nuts, LOL) telling myself I CAN do this, I WILL do this, I CAN lose this weight and I WILL, I CAN KEEP IT OFF AND I WILL. I can’t quite picture myself thin, after all I’ve only been thin once in my adult life and it was for such a short time and so long ago. On the other hand, you often don’t realize how big you are until you catch an unexpected look in the mirror or see yourself in a picture. Inside, I usually don’t feel nearly as big as I am. Of course every now and then, I feel absolutely HUGE, embarrassed to be seen and extremely uncomfortable in my own skin. Humans are SO messed up. No wonder it’s so hard for your brain to catch up to your body when you lose a lot of weight. I have a coworker who had gastric bypass a few months ago and is now tiny. She looks wonderful and I’m very happy for her. She’s still young and unmarried and just starting to date at this new size. She said it’s still very hard to see herself as small, she’s been overweight her whole life. I guess that’s one good thing I can say about losing so slowly- it gives me plenty of time to adjust to the changes, too much time. But I will get there and every .1 lb down is going in the right direction. I feel positive and upbeat and hope to hold on to this attitude. I have to do this unless I want to lose my sight, my limbs, my kidney function, and my dignity, not to mention I want to be an active part of my grandchildren’s lives when I have some one day.

Well, it’s late again, and tomorrow is another day. Oh yeah- I LOVE baby carrots now with FF Ranch dressing. Who would have thought I would EVER love carrots?! : )

All day I have felt on edge, like I’m about to break into a million pieces. Kind of like really bad PMS, weepy at the drop of a hat-just really miserable. It has not been a good day. BUT, it has not been nearly as bad a day as I thought, at least not for my eating. I feel like I have done nothing but eat all day, but when I actually took time to write things down, it’s not as bad as I thought.I only went over about 4 points and I did get in my fruits and my veggies. I ate too many low point treats like 100 cal. pack of oreos and McDonalds vanilla cone, but it could have been a whole lot worse. That could have been potato chips and candy bars! Anyway, that makes me feel a little better. I did NOT go the meeting I had planned to go to to weigh in this morning. I slept badly last night and ended up oversleeping this morning so didn’t make it on time. That made me feel bad too, but I have to just put it behind me and go on from here. I will be there on Thursday, my regular night and I am determined to get serious. I spent time on the forums earlier reading recent posts, and it has made me really question what I am doing. I feel like I have been too easy on myself and that I need to get serious if I really want to lose this weight. I am still morbidly obese (GOSH,I HATE THOSE WORDS) and I will continue to be until I get on the ball and do what I have to do. It’s so frustrating, I’m so wishy-washy. Sometimes I feel it’s okay to be this way because this is what a lifetime plan will be- ups & downs and all. Other times, I feel like I’m just playing around wasting precious time and that I’d better get serious and quit eating things I know I shouldn’t and making excuses for why I do/did. I’m eating and at the same time I’m berating myself for eating, questioning myself about why I’m really eating, what is it that is really bothering me and making me feel this way. Is it hormonal? Is it something I’m not letting myself feel, and so I’m eating to bury the anger, fear, resentment, whatever “it” is? I don’t KNOW! And it’s driving me crazy. I just want to be able to follow my plans, eat sensibly and lose this weight for good. I want to be normal! I don’t want to spend so much time thinking about food, what I should eat, what I shouldn’t eat, how to lower points in a recipe, what to take for lunch, how to fix something the whole family likes, when to journal and count my points, etc, etc. But those things are not such a big sacrifice. Much better than having to measure my blood sugar several times a day and take shots. People with other health problems have to deal with them and the limitations they impose or the extra time and effort required to stay healthy, or they have to live with the consequences. This is no different. I have to do what I have to do and quit whining about it, or I have to live with the consequences of my actions. Like I remind my kids, “what you sow is what you reap.” I have sowed obesity and all the ugly burdens that come with it. Now I can continue on like I am and know that my future will be a living hell, or I can act like a person with some self control and self love and do what needs to be done to undo some of the damage I have done to my poor body. Am I strong enough to do this? YES. Am I smart enough ? YES. Do I know what to do? YES! So JUST DO IT!!!

Okay, today has been okay. Not been making good food choices the last couple of days and have gone way over my points because of eating high point things. Out to sabatage myself again?? But today has been better and I just came back from a 1 1/2 mike walk. DH & I are bickering, I don’t know why. He thinks it’s me & I think it’s him naturally. I feel so on edge and so tired most of the time. Maybe if I could actually get a good nights sleep, I’d feel better. Can’t go to WI this week at least not at our regular time. Our president retirment party is that evening and I am on the committee to help set up & clean up. It’s gonna be in the evening from 6-8, so I;ll be at work from 7:30 am til about 9:30 that night. I’m not looking forward to it & I find myself feeling resentful that we have to do it. I don’t like feeling that way. He’s a good guy & we’ll miss him. I just wish they had left it for the original daytime hours. But it was not convenient for his family. so now it gets to be inconvenient for us. I’ll have to find some meeting to go to so I can at least weigh in. I’m afraid that if I miss 1 week, it’ll start me off on skipping & then I’d soon quit. Can’t do that, WON’T do that! Just keep going Rhonda, one day at a time. Please Lord, help me to stay on track and treat my body as what it is-something that belongs to You, that was given to me to care for for a little while. ‘Til next time.

Tonight was weigh in and I lost 3.2 lbs! I’m at a total of 24. 2, so less than 5 lbs to get to my 10%. I got my clapping hand charm because I just finished my 16th week. I can’t wait to get my 10% award. Now if I can just sustain this new momentum. I’m being careful to track everything even if I didn’t do well.  Still afraid to start walking again because of my back but I have been doing a lot of arm work with the 3 lb weights. Kayla took a picture of me to show me the comparison to my beginning “before” picture. They’re on her digital camera so I can’t really see them side by side. She says there is a big difference between the 2 but I was disappointed. I still looked huge, especialy my torso. But then, even though I feel smaller and know I am because I’m fitting into things that had been too tight, I remind myself that I still weigh 272 lbs!!!! No wonder I look big- that IS big. I remember being 19 and being mortified that I weighed 226. What I wouldn’t give to be back at 226 right now! But I’ll get there, even if it’s slowly but surely. I miss the days when I could lose 20lbs in a month, but I tell myself it’s better for me to lose it slowly like this. Gives me time to adjust as I go along and gets the good habits ingrained in me hopefully.

When I went to the doctor we talked about what my ultimate goal would be. I told him my initial goal is to get under 235, because I have not been below that # since I had my first child, who will be 23 tomorrow! And that my ultimate goal was 188. I have a large frame and even though I’m only 5′6, that’s about a size 12 for me.  He had some little gadget he used to figure BMI and other stuff and it said 187 was a reasonable goal for me. I think that gadget said that would be a BMI of 30, but those formulas don’t really take into account different builds. I was about that weight when I got married 25 years ago, so even if it takes me a long time to get there, that’s okay. I’m going to enjoy the journey and take one day at a time.

Now I have to do goog thru the weekend. I love having Fridays off in the summer but know that being at home an extra day can throw me off track if I let it. Hopefully I’ll have one of those good energetic weekends where I get a lot done, rather than one of those that is lazy, bored and eating too much. I can do this-just take it day by day and pray!

I was supposed to go tomorrow for blood work, but they called and asked me to reschedule. That’s good and bad because I was dreading  the blood sugar results but I really do need to know if it is high, so I can adjust what I am eating to make it better. Try not to worry, remember-one day at a time is the only way to go-don’t borrow trouble from tomorrow, today has enough of its own.

Oh well, let me sign off and go read thru the forums before it gets any later!! Bye for now.

Okay, last night was WI. I Lost 1.6 lbs which brings me back to my total from 1 month ago of 21 lbs lost. : ) Maybe the spell is broken and now I’ll go forward past that magic “21″. I had a Dr. appt today to renew my BP prescription. My doctor is very overweight & has been battling his weight most of his life. We talked about my goals and about WW (his wife is going to meetings.) I hate going to a doctor anytime and only go when I have to, but at least he is someone who understands the neverending battle to lose and then maintain weight loss. I have to go in next Friday for blood work for cholesterol and blood sugar. They haven’t been checked since i was scheduled for surgery years ago and because of my family history and  the fact that I’m overweight and 45 now, he wants to make sure they are okay. I don’t really care about the cholesterol but the blood sugar worries me because of the whole diabetes thing. Anytime I am extra thirsty or have to pee alot or have any other symptoms of diabetes, I kinda panic! But, I’m gonna keep on with my “one day at a time theme” and try to get thru each day on track and taking care of myself.

I am proud of something I did this past week- we were having a surprise going-away party for my supervisor Thursday and they cooked burgers and hotdogs on the grill, with sides of pasta salad, baked beans, chips, cake, etc.  I thought ahead and brought my Bocca burgers, 1 point buns, LF cheese and baked chips. I asked the guys cooking if I could just slip my veggie burgers on the grill (I brought 2 so I had an extra for lunch the next day!) They didn’t mind at all and even made sure that I’d get them when they were all brought in. I ate my food (looked like everyone else’s) and was satisfied and happy. They had 2 beatifully decorated cakes that didn’t temp me at all  cause I figure cake is something I can get pretty much anytime if I want it. BUT- the wife of 1 of the guys had made homemade blueberry cobbler and apple cobbler that smelled and looked fantastic. I took about 2 tsp. of each and enjoyed them very much. I was satisfied without going back for more and didn’t feel deprived at all. I felt like I actually used  some the knowledge I have filed in my brain about how to deal with situations like that and stay on track.  : ) If you do something long enough it becomes a habit, so if I actually put the lessons learned  to use, I have to succeed right?!

I wish I had high speed internet out here in the sticks so it was easier to get online. I’m not able to get on nearly as much as I’d like and it does help to read the boards and visit with others. But things are going well in general, so I’ll keep praying and tracking and trying to take care of me. After all, this is the only me I have and I only have me once!

I saw this line yesterday on an email I got at work and liked it a lot, maybe I can remember it correctly-

   “You can’t control when you die or how, you can only control how you live.”  Joan Baez

Bye for now!

Thank you for the kind words. It took me this long to figure out how to get back in to post again! Oh well, I’ll catch on eventually. I love this site and all the wonderful people on it. It’s definitely gonna help me stay on track. Now about that…

I went to WI Thursday night & had gained 1 lb. No surprise there, I thought it would be more than a lb. But as I talked to a couple of people, I told them I was starting to get discouraged this time. I’ve been hanging in real good, but the doubts are trying to attack me. They were so good, talking to me about how well I’ve done and how far I’ve come (1 has lost 100 lbs!) and that I can do this. They both suggested that it might help jumpstart me again if I had a day where I ate higher cal/fat and didn’t worry about counting points (but still record everything.) Of course you have to make sure you get right back on track afterwards, that’s the scary part for someone like me. So I did it the following day-we’ll so what happens. I’m happy to say I did get right back on track Saturday and I felt pretty sick Frdiay after eating that large McD. fries I thought I wanted.Yesterday and today have been full of fresh fruits and veggies and my body feels much better. I realize that I might still show another gain by next Thursday because of this “Free” day, but I also know that simular cycling has helped me in the past. It does help so much to have others cheer you on, that’s why people get so much from sites like this. I want this blog to be a record for me, reminding me and anyone who might read it that we are not perfect, we have bad days/weeks, but as long as we keep getting up and starting again, we will eventually reach our destination. 

Now, speaking of fresh fruits/veggies, I’m making a huge effort to keep lots of different fruits on hand, not just my usual apples, oranges, grapes and bananas, but kiwi, cherries, watermelon, blueberries, etc. I’ve also been bad in the past about keeping the fruits in the veg. bins out of sight, so we forget them and I end up throwing them out. So I’ve been cutting some up and keeping a big fresh fruit salad in a pretty clear glass bowel in the fridge. Everybody seems to be enjoying it & that’s good. I have some with yogurt and Fiber 1, or just a serving of the fruit and it’s great AND pretty to look at. In the past, I would have told myself that I couldn’t afford all that extra fruit, but I have to remind me that this weightloss is worth the time and money, and that my whole family benefits from these food and from ME getting healthy! And I shop around for sales! ;) I’m also very fortunate that my farm boy DH loves to garden and we are now getting tons of fresh squash and zucchini. Cucmbers are just starting to get big and we’ll soon have potatoes, snap beans and butterbeans (plus tomatoes, which I still can’t eat raw.)  I love the squash cut up and “fried” with onion and a little of my Hormel 50% less fat bacon bits. I also love the fact that I can eat those baby red potatoes after low carbing so long. Last night I mixed in a couple of cups of brwon rice into the squash & onions and everybody loved it. We ate the leftovers for dinner today. Thank You Lord for this good fresh food that’s so good for us!

I’m still trying to do good with journaling everything. Even my free day. It was 50 points!!!! I couldn’t help but figure them. Not because I ate so much more, but because it was high cal/fat foods. I got another copy of my week 1 book (I had lost mine and never read the whole thing) and I think going over the basics again was just what I needed. I have to remember that it’s not just staying within my points range, but it’s WHAT I’m eating as well. I need to make sure I eat all my “guide to health” foods first and then use any extra points for treats, not the other way around!

I have made up my mind that I’m not going to worry about losing my job because of the state budget crisis. I’m not going to worry about what my barely adult children are doing or not doing that I have no control over. I’m not going to worry about whether or not I can keep the weight off this time when I lose it. I’m not even going to worry about following my plan tomorrow. Instead, I’m going to focus on today and let tomorrow take care of itself. Jesus said don’t worry about tomorrow, today has enough troubles of its own. So I’ll pray for today, to get thru it as I need to, and to trust in God to take care of tomorrow, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. I can do this 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time if necessary, with the help of God and the wonderful people He has put in my path.