Break Up

My friend just broke up with me.  But I do not feel to sad or upset over it.  I felt like our relationship was dysfunctional.  I tried to handle misunderstandings and concerns head on and maturely.  But Z, my friend, I felt like lacked the practice of self-reflection when situations arose.  For a while I felt uncomfortable by her requests and comments.

Part of me feels bad that she is unaware of an aspect of her personality that she could gain leaps and bounds by improving on.  But  I think she is unable to accept any type of constructive criticism.

I am not absolving myself of blame at all.  She showed me things I need to work on and improve, but I feel like things stopped working.   All I can hope is that she learns compassion and self-reflection.

You know things are over when you feel better with them being over.  I feel A LOT better. I wish I could have recognized they were over instead of trying to salvage it.  But that is a learning point for me.  Ok, time to get ready for work.

(no title)

Sometimes it feels like I am consistently on track and other times it feels like back and forth, back and forth.

I finished off a weekend of “ok” eating.  Things could have been better and things could have been a lot worse.  I had some carrots and celery and that got me back on track.  It mellowed out my stomach.  I do not understand my carrots and celery make me feel good, but I am glad they do.

Today is my free day to get back on track - healthy and work wise.  My goals today are to relax, work on CASB, and get ready for the week.

I revisted the http://thehealthylivinglounge.com and it mentally reset me. I updated my work homepage to that website.  They present information and ask questions that mellows me out and slows my thoughts down.  It is a reminder I need frequently.

:-)

Why is this happening FOR me?

Have you ever wondered why this wait gain happened to you?  Have you ever felt like a victim as a result of your size or weight, almost like the world is conspiring against you?

I certainly have.  I have felt this way about a lot of things.  During the 2010 Olympics after hearing about the childhood of snowboarder Shaun White I realized “I have the biggest chip on my shoulder”.  From that moment on, I’ve tried to dislodge, to have it surgically removed.  But sometimes, it grows back.  But I keep hacking away at it.  I do acknowledge the choice and decisions I’ve made as well as the control I have over my body, my life, and where I am heading.  At moments, though, my inner voice plays the victim.

After reading this blogpost “Why is this happening FOR me?” at http://intent.com/mikerobbins/blog/why-happening-me I realized that every bad and awful thing in my life I can turn it into a lesson.  Every annoyance thing in my life I can turn it into an opportunity for growth.   Simple eh?  So, answer me this, why is this happening FOR you?

Weight loss.  I went on a food bender this weekend.  I got back on track only to get back off track.  Today is weigh in day and I am down 0.2 lbs.  I know that is likely a discrepancy between pooh and pee and water retention but the fact that I had 2 weeks in a row of declining numbers is awesome!!! It is amazing! Well, maybe not amazing, but it feels good.  Part of the reason I want on a food bender is I lost time for myself.  I tried to fit everyone else in and I forgot me.  I felt so overwhelmed when I woke up on Monday that I stayed home from work.  Not ideal, but it was what I needed.  When the b/f came over, I felt an emotional release and I was able to realize all the things that were bothering me.

Reflecting on yesterday, I feel safe with him.  I feel like he his my shelter, a place of solace.  I feel like I do not have to manage or take care of everything.  He is there for me.  He is there with me.  I have never had this feeling with anyone else before.  Never.  I wish I could cultivate this with other people.  I wonder if my anxiety and depression would lessen if I could experience this with other people.  If I can feel that I can let go enough that the chip on my shoulder just slides right off.

I do not know.  But it is something I will think about and something I want to try and cultivate.

A weekend of over fullness

I could have handled myself better this weekend.  I really could have.

Friday

Went to lunch (which is when I break my fast) at a Thai place, which was fine, except, after lunch I ate a whole 100g chocolate bar and small bag of twizzlers.  I felt sooooo full.  I drank a lot of green tea and hot water to help my stomach.  For the rest of the day I had some of my health banana bread, a handful of veggie crackers and that’s it.

Saturday

I waited until my body felt normally again and had my smoothie at 12:30pm.  So my body was back on track.  Then I went to the grocery store.  And I got a stuffing role.  And fries.  I ate them on the train on the way to the dinner.  After 5 fries I started feeling full, but I kept eating.  Urgh.  For dinner we had Thai and I ate tooooo much.  Double urgh.  I did not have any alcohol or drink my calories, so that is a plus!

Sunday

Wedding fair.  While I knew there would be samples, I went a bit too far :-) The samples were not bad, but afterwards I had a brownie and chocolate cake.  Than more samples in the grocery store (cake included).  And for dinner (wait for it, wait for it) chicken strips, fries, and a DQ mini blizzard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh geez.  I have been good at not continuing a downward cycle, but not Sunday :-)  It is not the end of the world, but today I am getting back on track.

Part of the problem is that I did too much.  I am realizing that I need downtime.  The more I have going on, the more downtime I need.  That is part of me and I need to accept that.  I am not sure why I am constantly comparing myself to the social butterflies, because I know I do not want to be like them.  I am more comfortable being me, I just need to find that deeper rooting.

Today, I will be back on track.  Because I did too much, I am taking today off to rest and recoup.

Slipping (again)

I think this milestone has me shaking in my boots.  The volume the past few days has been crazy.  Next week: no eating out.  Simple. Easy.  And I am going to do it.  Sunday-Saturday.  I need it go get me through.  And part of the issue is the lack of fruits and veggie volume.  I am getting at least 6 servings, put  I am not getting the volume that I would like to give my belly that nice, lovely feeling. :-)  I am not getting too disappointed with myself, I just need to plan more and have more back up plans.

I also need to be on top of CASB so I have time for the gym.  I might need to do a cutdown on TV.  That is hard though.  But it should not be hard fitting in 3 workouts a week.  But I am persevering.

This 183, and 20 lb milestone really did it in for me.  Mind games……mind games.

Uuuurgh

I am severely irritated today.  I think we are frenemies, this friend and I.  Maybe it is just one sided.  Maybe she does not see me as a frenemy.  But this is how a view relationships: a) we confided in each other, b) we do things together c) a common thing brings us together (work, volunteering, etc) d) all of the above.  Right now this friend is just c and I don’t feel like she would ever willing include me in things.  Which makes me wonder if we are or ever really friends.   My biggest complaints about her are she complains and is not self-aware.  She is the friend I want to confide in (and vice versa) but when ever I do it feels awkward and I feel like she lacks clarifying insight that I value in a friend.

To refer back to the Chopra Meditation challenge, Day 5, when I respond to her, I respond as “yuck” and not “yum”.  That may change, it may not.  What does allow me to respond as “yum” is in a female based group setting.  I need to listen to myself.  I do.

What I would like, is to understand why I get jealous of people (even people I barely now) and to stop it from happening.  It is such a poisoning feeling.  It does nothing for my well-being.  That is one of my biggest flaws - that, and trying to get my chip off my shoulder.

Relief

For 6 weeks my weight has been going up and down up and down.  It was frustrating.  Last week I recorded a loss and this week I recorded a loss.  Two weeks of weight loss!!!! Now that is sooo exciting!  I also a) lost over 20 lbs b) lost over 10% of my starting weight.  My goal for this year is to get into the 170s.  Right now, I am 4.6 lbs away from 179, 8.6 lbs away from 175, and 12.6 lbs away from 171.  With 6 weeks left in the year, all of those goals are possible - it just depends on my habits.

My focus for the rest of the year is to get back into a moderate exercise routine (gym sessions will last from 20-40 mins on average) and walking every day.  Yesterday I walked for 25 mins, 10 mins at lunch and 15 mins after work.  Part of me feels walking serves little benefit for my weight loss, but I reminded myself it is not just about weight loss, it is about mood support and mental health.  And walking definitely helps with that.

Still trying to find balance.  Since I missed my morning workout (I did not coordinate my second alarm to ensure I got my butt out of bed) I am going after work.  I am excited and looking forward to it.

The point

Daylight savings, fall, doing too much, whatever things caught up with me and this weekend I took time to relax.  And meander and be unproductive.  Today I am feeling in better spirits, but this weekend has me wondering about my more recent choices I’ve made.  Specifically my social life.  In October, I crafted a social life in the image of what I thought it should be.  I have always felt insecure about not having friends, plans, etc. In response to that, I filled up my social calendar and I realized that it did more harm than good.

It made me realize that what I thought was the “appropriate” social life was not right for me.  Now I am going to try and build a social life that makes sense for me.  That means doing what is right for me and not worrying about other people’s judgment.

This got me thinking about the point of life.  I guess right now, I feel like something is lacking or missing.  And I am okay with that.  We are always in a state of flux and change, to expect to have everything balanced and perfect all the time is unrealistic.  I guess all I, or all we, can do is to keep moving in the right direction for us in the different parts of life.

If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.  ~Buddhist Saying

Hoping and Cheering

I just finished a revision for an assignment and I was taking a break before I either did some cleaning or did work on my next assignment.  In this time my brain drifted to Private Practice and what might happen to a character on the show and I thought I wanted things to work out for her.  In this moment I realized I had a vested interest in the outcome of this fictional character.  Do not get me wrong, I enjoy certain tv shows.  I find the relaxing or challenging or push me to confront things about myself I would not normally.

But although I cheer and have hopes for these characters, for them to be better human beings, to evolve and grow, I don’t have the same hope for myself.  For me, I have fear and worry and uncertainty.  But with I hoped and cheered for me?  Recognize that the present is not “fun” that I am going through an emotional journey with its own ups, downs, and drama but hoped and cheered that I become a better human being.  That I evolve and grow.  That I end up on the other side with wisdom and experience and better self-awareness.

I can you know.  I can channel all this positive energy towards myself.  Not in a negative or selfish way, but in a “Self, I am in a seemingly dark place, but I have hope, I am digging in and I will get through this with wisdom, grace, dignity, and humility”.  I am cheering for me.  I am hoping for me.  I am my own audience.  I am my biggest fan.  I know what I want my future to look like.  I know the universe will be my co-conspirator in order to it to happen.  I believe.  I am hoping and cheering for me.  Who are you hoping and cheering for?

Down, Down, Down.

I am finding balance again.  It is a coming.  I am down 3.6 lbs this week.  And not only that, I can feel the difference in my body.  I’ve stayed away from sugar and fried foods (more so than I have in a while) and I feel good.  A few times this week I’ve felt off and I consciously chose veggies.  Both the act of choosing veggies and the effect of eating the veggies has been good.

I am as excited about the weight loss as I am about how I feel.  I still need to fit exercise into my day more.  This week, my goal is three times.  With the daylight savings and work, I just have not found the time yet, but I will.

Now that I’ve stripped down my social calendar, I know feel like I have more time for things.  It would be great if I could mix social time with workouts.  That would be lovely!  We’ll see how things go.  But for now I feel good and I am balancing my life.  And the meditation is lovely.  I don’t do it every day, but right now I do it more often than not, and its good.  :)

And I am close to 1) hitting the 20 lb lose mark 2) hitting the 10% lost mark.  Soon.  Soon.

Next Page »