Yo-yo no more

“Vowing to do better, eat healthier, and make good choices, I head to the kitchen only to have my resolve melt like the icing on the cinnamon rolls my daughter just pulled from the oven.  Yum. Oh, who cares what the scale says when this roll speaks such love and deliciousness.  Two and a half cinnamon rolls later, I decide tomorrow will be a much better day to keep my promises to eat healthier.  And since this is my last day to eat what I want, I better live it up. Another cinnamon roll, please” Oh does this ever sound familiar!! I know on several occasions I’ve “slipped up” and vowed to start again the next day & then use that as my excuse to go hog wild!

“If I admit my struggle with food to my friends, they might try to hold me accountable the next time we go out.  And what if I’m not in th emood to be questioned about my nachos con queso with extra sour cream?” I’ve had these VERY thoughts before (fill in different fatty foods where the nachos con queso is.

“It was about the battle that raged in my heart.  I thought about, craved, and arranged my life too much around food.  So much so, I knew it was something God was challenging me to surrender to His control.  Really surrender.  Surrender to the point where I’d make radical changes for the sake of my spiritual health perhaps even more than my physical health” I could not agree more.

AND, the phrase that punched me in the gut and hasn’t let up since…pay attention to this one:

“Is it possible we love and rely on food more than we love and rely on God?” Go ahead. Read over that one a few times and let it really sink in.

and she continues with words that I could have uttered myself:

“I had to get honest enough to admit it: I relied on food more than I relied on God.  I craved food more than I craved God.  Food was my comfort.  Food was my reward.  Food was my joy.  Food was what I turned to in times of stress, sadness, and even in times of happiness.”

“Each time I craved something I knew wasn’t a part of my plan, I used that craving as a prompt to pray.  I craved a lot.  So, I found myself praying a lot.” This makes me smile.  Don’t think that God won’t use things like this to grab your attention.

[PERSONAL REFLECTIONS]

1) When it comes to your relationship with food, what repeated behaviors or events describe the cycle you experience and feel powerless to stop? Weighing in every single morning!  If I don’t see the numbers go down even 1/10th of a pound or if they go up, I feel defeated and the first thing that I do is reach for something to eat.  I need to only weigh ONCE a week and then hide my scale away.

2) What reasons motivate your desire to eat healthier? Do these reasons give your struggles with food a purpose strong enough to help you resist unhealthy eating?  How do you respond to Lysa’s statement “I had to see the purpose of my struggle as something more than wearing smaller sizes and getting compliments form others…it had to be about something more than just me.” I have a few reasons for wanting to eat healthier.  I want to feel more energy!  I’ve gotten to the point where I feel lethargic and it’s a chore just to be up doing stuff.  I also want to teach my children the importance of eating healthy while they’re young, I also want to be a healthy mom TO my kids…be around to see them grow up.  I want to do it to be able to be around as long as humanly possible.  Aesthetically I want to be able to look better.  I want to be able to feel beautiful.  I WANT to be able to say that these reasons give my struggle with food a purpose strong enough to help resist unhealthy eating…BUT…they haven’t motivated me enough so far.  I’ve needed God to step in! I absolutely agree with her statement.  Yes, it’ll be great to wear smaller clothes and hear people talk about how much weight I’ve lost - but at the end of the day I want to be able to make this temple that God gave me the best I can make it!

3) Consider your eating experiences over the last few days or weeks.  Using the list below can you recall specific situations in which you turned to food for these reasons? One word that they are missing on this list is BOREDOM!  I eat out of boredom a lot.  Boredom and habit.
Comfort.
Reward. My friends will often hear me talk about rewarding myself for something with orange chocolate!
Joy.
Stress. I have an ex-husband who I can’t trust.  There are always times in which I get stressed out and use that to go grab a bag of chips or a root beer.
Sadness. I was sad because I felt as if I was losing a friend.  Therefore I saw that as a good reason to load up!
Happiness.
Keeping the same situations in mind, how do you imagine your experiences might have been different if you had relied on God, craved God, instead of turning to food? I believe that I would have felt the same comfort and the same reassurance and the same “hug” from God as I felt from food.  Not only that, but in taking these things to God, I’d be able to rest assured that He would help me in taking care of them.  The situations were never faced head on - they were just masked with the instant relief that food brings.

4) How do you respond to the idea of using your cravings as a prompt to pray? How has prayer helped or failed to help in your previous food battles? I believe that God can use any and every way as a prompt for you to pray.  And I fully believe that if I will use that as a prompt to cry out to Him that He will deliver me from these cravings.  I am ashamed to admit that I’ve never invited God in to my struggles with food, so I can’t answer the last question.

5) In your battles with food, are you more likely to choose a drastic, quick-fix approach or a moderate but longer-term approach  What thoughts or feelings emerge when you consider dismantling your own tower of impossibility one craving at a time? I’m more likely to choose a moderate but longer-term approach.  Although my approach here at the start is a detox, that is strictly just to shock my body and to let it know that the cravings can’t persuade me anymore.  That could be seen as drastic - but I’m not viewing it as a quick fix as after detox - I am on the lifelong road of eating healthy and trying to lose weight.

Today was day 2.

I actually started getting a bit of a headache after lunch today (so it wasn’t due to the protein thing). It’s not a pounding headache that makes me want to just down Tylenol and go to bed - it was just enough of one to notice it and be annoying.  I’m wondering if it’s due to the “detox”. (especially since I had one yesterday late afternoon too) I ate completely clean yesterday and have eaten completely clean today. I have actually yesterday and today also had some times where I feel clammy (not nauseous or anything).  If the detox is what’s causing these symptoms…then that makes me happy!  This is what I’m wanting. I want my body to scream and yell and pout because it’s not getting sugar or carbs or other JUNK food (or trashy food as my daughter calls it).  I’m out to show my body that I am the one in control of what goes in and that no cravings can deter me from that….

I’m not going to lie and say it’s been so easy.  There have already been times where I’d be sitting on the couch and start literally tasting popcorn or a bowl of sugar cereal.  And I’d have to do something to take my mind off of it.  Sugar free gum is my best weapon. I put the kids in the bath tonight and started thinking about a snack.  So instead I cleaned my entire room.  And there have been a few times when I’ve implemented the “talk to God” when a craving arises.  And (surprise, surprise) it actually works!

I feel more motivated to do this than I have in a long time.

Today’s foods:

One egg + 1 tbsp of egg whites
1 slice of 45 calorie 100% whole grain bread
Fat free butter spread
sundried tomato turkey
whole wheat pita
spinach
red bell pepper
grape tomatoes
meatball
zucchini
peas
cherries
blueberries

and, as a bonus…my digestive system is DEFINITELY benefiting from this “detox” wink wink

Today is day 2 of the self titled “detox”

Yesterday was my first day of no chips, sugar, junk, empty carbs, empty calories etc. I thought about it, a lot. Times I wanted to reach in the cabinet for the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.  Or thought about how easy it would have been to stop through the Arby’s drive through to grab something.  I was giving my daughter some (low fat) Pringles with her lunch and had to mentally stop myself from just popping one into my mouth.  BUT…I didn’t do it.

Yesterday was a victory for me!  So, that make me more motivated to make today another victory.  Day by day. Victory by victory and I can do this!

Today I feel: a little….light headed? Or just on the verge of light headed.  It’s hard to explain.  Though I’m not sure that a body can start detox symptoms like this this quickly.

I know that yesterday I got a headache around 3:00.  I’m thinking though that that had to do with not having any protein since breakfast (I did so much running around yesterday getting prepared that I didn’t get any protein until around 5:30).  I still ended up having to take Tylenol around 7:00, there was just enough of one hanging around.

Anyway - today.  Not sure what’s causing the near-lightheadedness. I’m so overly conscious of any little thing my body is doing though, so it could be anything.  We’ll see as the day goes on.

For now, I have a final to prepare for.  Ewwwww…..

My mom & kiddos & I took a trip about 20 miles south of where we live today to visit an orchard.  This was where I started my shopping for the day.  I bought:

3 pounds of blueberries (and they are huge and sweet and amazing!)
1/2 peck of peaches (again, from an orchard is the only way to go!)
red bell peppers (I actually used to eat these all the time in place of potato chips)
& a few zuccini

from the grocery store (I can’t possibly recount everything I bought but the list included:

*bananas
*grape tomatoes (recipe to follow)
*cracked pepper turkey
*sun-dried tomato turkey
*whole wheat pita
*45 calorie/slice whole grain bread
*salad mix (spinach & spring mix)
*cherries
*broccoli
*fresh green beans
*chicken tenderloins
*Tilapia
*Mrs Dash salt-free seasonings (for the chicken; Southwest Chipoltle & Tequila Lime)
*Salad spritzers (these are AWESOME with the pita, cracked pepper turkey & tomatoes…use in place of mayo)
*Eggs
*Egg whites
*Promise fat free butter substitute

My plan of attack….

I have decided that my body needs a detox.  I realize that that sounds like I’m leading in to a really harsh regimen, but it’s the only word I can think of that describes what I want my body to go through.

I need to shock my system.  I need to get to the core of the cravings and face those head on.  So, I have decided that I will load up on fresh fruits & vegetables, lean meats & just a smidge of complex carbs (hence the whole grain breads).  I am going to steer clear of chocolate, root beer, chicken tikka masala, brownies, cake, funyuns, chips, sugary cereals, etc for as long as it takes my body to scream at me and then get over it and realize that healthy choices is what it likes.

I put my body through that once before.  And it sucked! It was torturous. It tested every ounce of will power I had in me.  But once the raging storm of “I neeeeeeeeeeeed a bite of chocolate. Just one little bite” was over with - a calm came over my entire body.  It felt great.  My body felt renewed. I felt so much energy.

I want need to get back to that place.

At that point, I will allow myself certain things.  After this “detox” stage is over, I’m going to get back, full force, into Weight Watchers. They’ve re-vamped their program and I like it!

So, I’m not going on an insane fad diet for 2 weeks until I lose 10 pounds and then once I look at a cake again I gain it all back.  I’m merely shocking my body to let it know that we’re having a throw down long enough to let it know and let the cravings know that I am the one who is in control.

Today, I ate fairly well. I’ve managed to avoid or deny the cravings.  One day down is definitely a big victory for me!

OH the grape tomatoes!

My beloved’s sister made this fancy simple little dish using tomatoes, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, salt, pepper & basil and brought it to their mom’s birthday party. I could not stay away from it! So I made some tonight (really, it’s just that simple - you just put it all in there to taste).  I’ve eaten nearly the entire thing!

Nope, I’m not talking Skittles!

About a month ago I was talking to my kids about eating healthy.  And I told them that they need to eat the rainbow.  This idea intrigued them.  So, I explained about the colors of our food and that everyday they need to try to eat all the colors of the rainbow in fruits and vegetables.  So we made a makeshift chart of the different colors and the kids got to put a mark under the color anytime they ate it that day. They LOVED it!

Then it hit me today…I don’t have one of those charts showing the kids that their mommy is also eating the rainbow - eating healthy.

So, I’ve printed out rainbow coloring sheets for all of us.  We’ve colored them in.  They are going up on our refrigerator!  I’m going to take one of them with us to the store today so that they can also help pick out fruits/veggies that are the colors of the rainbow.

So, people EAT THE RAINBOW!!!

Well, there it is. The beginning of a new journey. This time I’m inviting God along.

Today, I’m going grocery shopping.  I’m also going to work on establishing my guidelines & my plan of attack.  All of which I’ll share on here once I get it figured out.

My first mini-goal is to lose 6 pounds by the one month mark (August 26,2011).  There’s no reason why I can’t do this…

Ok, I’ve actually already read through about 3/4 of this book, but I’ve decided to start again so that I can keep track and actually take time to think through and answer the questions at the end of each chapter.  I will tell you that everything I’ve read could have come from my very mouth.  I figure that I’m going to use this time to make my own notes about the book & also include some excerpts that I find SO very relevant.

“My resolve feels strong until the next time I get hungry.  And unhealthy choices are always so convenient.” It’s SO true! When’s the last time you saw freshly washed blueberries or a carrot stick at a gas station.  It’s always so much easier to grab a bag of chips and a Root Beer when you’re on the go than it is to take time to prepare snacks ahead.  And c’mon - who really would rather choose healthy granola over Funyuns?

“…simply telling me to eat healthier foods that will help me feel full longer doesn’t address the heart of the matter.  I can feel full after a meal and still crave chocolate pie for dessert.” The heart of the matter isn’t teaching me that eating healthy is the way to go.  I understand that part.  It’s the knowing what to do with those cravings that has me hung up.

and my favorite from this chapter, a Bible verse that I have never in my life heard.  It comes from 1 Corinthians (which is a book of the Bible that I refer to often)

“”everything is permissible - but not everything is beneficial” (1 Corinth. 10:23) I quoted it over and over to remind myself that I could have that brownie or those chips, but they wouldn’t benefit me in any way.  That thought empowered me to make a beneficial choice rather than wallowing in being deprived of an unhealthy choice. “ Amen and ouch all at once!  This little blurb from this book has spoken to me almost more than any other part of the book.  It absolutely just HIT me.  I can eat anything I want to, anything at all…but not everything I eat is going to benefit my body one single iota!

PERSONAL REFLECTION QUESTIONS (I realize that some of these may make no sense to you, and some of them just might, but this is my way of being able to know that I’ve thought through these questions so that I can get the absolute most out of this book.

1) One weight loss company personifies craving as a little orange monster that chases us around, tempting us to eat unhealthy foods.  Take a moment to reflect on your own experience of craving, recently and over time.
-If you could personify craving based on your experience of it, what form might it take? Would it be like the little orange monster or would it take a different shape?  Describe what your craving looks like and how it behaves. My craving monster would be compared to one of those alarm clocks that starts off kind of quiet but then the longer you ignore it (and don’t press snooze) the louder and louder & the harder to ignore it gets.

-If you could sit down and have a conversation with this imaginary craving, what do you think it might say to you?  What questions would you want to ask it? How do you imagine it might respond? I’m pretty sure that it wouldn’t be nice. It would probably tell me that I deserve to do what makes me happy and so I shouldn’t try to ignore it.  I would want to ask it how in the world I could kill it! What could I do to take it’s voice out.  I imagine that it would get offended and tell me it could never be destroyed.

2) How do you respond to the idea that God made us to crave?  Have you ever pursued a craving - a longing, passion, or desire - that made a positive contribution to your life?  What do you think distinguishes that kind of craving from the craving that leads you to eat in unhealthy ways? I absolutely believe that God made us to crave.  I just think that because of the sin in the garden that Satan is now able to give us other “ungodly” things to waste that desire on; food, sex, money, etc.  When the intended purpose of that craving feeling was to crave after God. I am pursuing my degree in Psychology.  I have a craving for that.  And it does make positive contributions in my life.  What distinguishes that as compared to my craving for unhealthy “trash food” (as my daughter would call it) is that an education is not only GREAT for me and for my future but it’s also great for my kids’ future.  Whereas the craving that leads me to eat unhealthy also could lead to heart problems, diabetes, health issues that could potentially take me away from my kids earlier than needbe.

3) If it’s true that we are made to crave, how might it change the way you understand your cravings? Do you believe there could be any benefits to listening to your cravings rather than trying to silence them? If so what might those benefits be? If not, why not? I see it just like any other temptation that Satan uses to trip me up.  It’s a foothold that he knows he can “get to me” with.  He’s kinda devious like that.  I also believe that God made us to crave for all the right reasons (craving water when we’re dehydrated, for instance) but that when sin entered in so did allllllll the cravings for the chocolate, Chicken Tikka Masala, chips, Root Beer….anything that isn’t doing my body a bit of good. Benefits, well - later in the book it talks about using those cravings as a prompting to pray.  I definitely see that as a benefit.

4) The Bible describes three ways Satan tries to lure us away from loving God: cravings, lust of the eyes, and boasting.  Lysa (the author) explains how Satan used these tactics with both Eve and Jesus.  Using the list below, think back over the last 24 hours of the last few days to see if you recognize how you may have been tempted in similar ways:
=Cravings: meeting physical desires outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by desires for things such as food, alcohol, drugs or sex. I’m tempted by food every single day.  My kids made cupcakes before we went on our last trip to Oklahoma.  My mom froze them so we’d have them when we got back.  Sure enough, they were sitting out yesterday.  My mom also made boiled cookies (aka no bake cookies).  It just takes one look at those things and immediately I know they taste good - they satisfy something in me.
=Lust of the eyes: meeting material desires outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by desires for material things? Material desires.  It’s easy for me to look at material things and be tempted by them (housewares, office supplies, little things that I don’t need) however it’s harder for me to actually obtain them as my budget is verrrrry limited.
=Boasting: meeting needs for significance outside the will of God. In what ways were you tempted by desires to prop up your significance? The desire to prop myself up really isn’t as big of a desire as the desire to eat! Yeah, it’s great to get a pat on the back or be told that you’re awesome.  But I don’t think that I go out seeking that.  I did post on my FB page about making the Dean’s List - but that was purely because I was proud of myself for doing it - not to see how many responses of praise I could get.
-Of the three temptations, which is the most difficult for you to resist?  Which is the easiest to resist? Why? Without a doubt the most difficult to resist is the cravings. And honestly, I don’t know why that is.  It’s something I’ve dealt with my entire life.  Food makes me happy. I like to eat.  I absolutely use food as a way to satisfy some emotion or feeling that I’m having.  The easiest would be the boasting.  I’m not one who’s out to be constantly lifted up or prop up my significance.  Yes, it’s great to be praised.  But, I’m more out to make myself proud by the actions that I take more than doing things for the praise of others.

5) Jesus quotes the truth of Scripture to defeat temptation. Have you ever used Scripture in this way?  What was the results? How do you feel about the idea of using this approach to address your unhealthy eating patterns? I have used Scripture this way.  I’ve quoted Scripture when my now ex-husband went to jail to overcome the temptation of feeling completely defeated (also again when he decided that he wanted out of our marriage).  The results?  Amazing.  It was a couple of the most precious times when I could literally feel the arms of God around me, protecting me.  I’ll never forget how that feels.  This is one way that I’m HOPING to use to address my unhealthy eating patterns. I know it works.

It’s that time again folks

Time to get control of the yo-yo.

So much has happened in my life since I last posted in this blog.

My divorce was finalized, I’ve started dating a man who is absolutely amazing, my kids have gone thru their first year of school, I’m considering moving to a different state, I’m back in college and thisclose to my Associates Degree (though I don’t want to stop until I have my Masters)

AND, I’ve gained 9 pounds.

I started reading this wonderful book called “Made to Crave” about how God designed us to crave, but He designed us to crave HIM, not food, sex, money etc.  I’ve really enjoyed that book and I’ve realized that it is going to have to take a HUGE HUGE amount of self-control on my part.  But I’m ready for it.  I know what I’m capable of doing.

I have many reasons for wanting to lose weight.  Being healthier for my kids, for my own sake, to feel sexy in what I wear…but after reading this book - I want to do it for God.

Each chapter in the book has questions to answer.  It’s my goal to come here and post my answers to those questions.  To keep myself accountable and also to have a place to vent my journey.  I NEED to do this.

Goal…TOMORROW - weigh in in the morning.  Though my “weigh-in” days will be on Friday mornings, I want to know where I’m starting.  Also, I need to go get some groceries!

Help me get to where I need to be!

…since Aug 27. (that’s when I set my mini-goals, this one being my first one)

My first mini goal was to weigh 193 by 09/24/10 - I SURPASSED this mini-goal a week early! WOOT!!! I’m kind of on cloud nine right now!

I do realize that I’m still 6 pounds from my lowest weight ever, but this is much better than being a pound away from 200 again (as I saw the day before TOM).

Next mini-goal:?

186 by 10/10/10 (that’ll be back at my lowest weight I had ever gotten to…from there it’s a whole new journey)

*WHEW*

Okay, so I did the 30-day shred for 3 whole days…then life happend. lol

However!!! I KNOW that I am no longer at 197.8 pounds.  Tomorrow is my “official” weigh in day so I’ll wait to annouce it then, but I’m excited!

In the mean time, I gotta get ready to tell life to kiss my @ss (as my attorney told me to do)