Look who’s Losin’ it…

(159 lbs). I ventured out on my weekly walk today to pick up the Sunday NY Times. My Sunday ritual, a 4 mile round trip… it kinda keeps me grounded. I skipped on my birthday a few weeks ago, and it felt weird.

I start a new job tomorrow, a part-time seasonal position. I’m a little freaked out, probably because this will be my 1st job since I was laid off in October 2006. Wow, 3 years! I has some mood/anxiety issues that I needed to deal with, and now I feel much much better… so this is a big step for me. Losing 30+ pounds has helped a lot too.

The great thing about taking this job is that my lovely wonderful DH will be there with me. We start our one week training period tomorrow night. I just hope it doesn’t suck too much! Actually I’m curious to see what it’s all about (answering phones, sales). I know in my gut that getting out of the house and having some structure will be good for me. It may also cure my recent overeating issues… having too much time on my hands= not good!

Wish me luck. God I hate the 1st day of a new job, a new anything for that matter…

Went down to 156, today back up to 158.5 (sigh).  I have a dread feeling in my gut. I was doing so well for so long. Now I can barely muster up the energy to lace up for a walk.

I hate sitting here and writing this down, A) because it makes the setback real; and b) I’m afraid to put it out there for the world to see and think I’m a weak whiner. If I act strong and positive, I’ll be okay right? I don’t WANT to get heavy again, so WTF? What’s my problem, maybe it’s self-sabotage. Maybe I lost my way a little and the overeating is hard to pull away from right now. Whatever it is, those increasing #’s on the scale are making me feel panic-y. AND it’s raining today, so the walk I needed is out of the question. I just want to curl up on the couch, watch Ghost Whisperer dvd’s and eat caramel corn. Not a good day…

Do they have Chocoholics Anonymous meetings? I need one, bad. Why oh WHY did I buy that jar of Nutella? The good news is that I didn’t eat the whole thing, “only” half. And last night I made a half batch of chocolate frosting and slowly, methodically… polished it all off, in one sitting. Washed it down with a cold glass of skim milk. I could go on, listing my chocolate-coated sins… but, how boring! And besides, things tend to go downhill for me when all I do is kick myself for being bad, er, I mean human.

I had been coasting along pretty effortlessly at about 155 lbs. Then DH’s sister and niece drove up from Maryland a few weeks ago. They stayed for a week and my eating and exercise got all wonky. She cooked their Italian gramommy’s spaghetti and meatballs, and mac & cheese. We ate pie. It took a few days for me to give in to the lovely indulgences… but before long my normally small-sized portions turned into second helpings. And more pie!

Normally I weighed myself every day, or every other day… well, who wants to face reality after a lengthy yummy joy ride? Oh, I failed to mention that my 41st birthday followed the visit, which extended my gluttony. But I had so much fun! I was aware the whole time of what I was doing. Maybe a few times I felt out of control (hello, frosting? Nutella? Ice cream eaten right out of the container? and so on…)

So, whatever. I had fun. I gained a few pounds. When I finally found the nerve to step on the scale, the damage was much less than I had expected, 158.5. I was so worried I would be up in the 160’s, so WOOh-hoo! Not too bad, not bad at all.

But now Thanksgiving is staring me down, and the colder weather is upon us, and I’ll need to shift gears and plug in the treadmill again. At least I’m back to walking every day, which I had cut back on some when I saw my weight had pretty much stabilized before the visit. I know it’s just 3 1/2 pounds, but man that little bit scares me! How quickly those pounds add up. I did do a reality check though to put things in perspective… This time last year on my birthday I was 35 lbs heavier and utterly miserable.

I absolutely LOVE my slimmer self, even more than I love chocolate. I don’t want to give that up… the slim or the chocolate. Moderation… that’s my big struggle. To have my (birthday) cake and eat it too, *sigh*. Oh, and wrinkle cream! Ugh, I’m really IN my 40’s now.

I did go out and splurge on some Olay ProX heavy-duty wrinkle creams, a birthday gift to myself. Yay! If they work, hallelujah… if not I can live with some laugh lines. I earned them after all!

Oh gawd I just got spammed here, big time. I changed my settings so it should go away hopefully. 17 comments on one post, wow! I was pretty psyched until I realized what it was.

The soft shell jacket/coat from LL Bean is a dud, I ordered the large, but it was too big… normally not an issue for me! It was too roomy in the torso, but if I went down a size it would be too small in the chest. Plus it wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. Bummer… I suppose I should not shop mail order catalogs, because I can’t visualize how stuff will look on me. Especially now when I’m learning what’s flattering on me. I want to show off my body a little, but what looks good? What do I feel comfortable in?

I’m exchanging the jacket for a ski coat on sale. It’s lightweight, which is great since the last thing I want is to resemble the Michelin Man. But it’s “cayenne”, an orange-y color that normally I’d shy away from. I’m going for it anyway. So what if I look like a big pumpkin? It may look good with my red hair, and it will definitely stand out on my walks.

I know it’s just a silly jacket. But it’s also my 1st major clothing purchase since losing weight. I bought a swimsuit but this is different. Winter coats last forever! It’s feels like a BIG commitment. Well, I’m returning the other jacket today and will just wait and see on the new one.

I’m nervous the weight will come back. I like being smaller, I really really do and want to do whatever it takes to stay this way. I have this fear that all my hard work will go up in smoke, like it’s all a dream and I’ll have to go back to wearing big clothes, feeling miserable and ugly. When I gained in the past it came on SO fast (or seems that way looking back). It scares me that the same can happen again. I’m getting used to my body, and the confidence. When will this anxiety go away?

DH and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary Tuesday by hiking up a mountain. The last time we went hiking together was on our wedding trip, so it really felt like a big deal.

A year ago the thought of doing something active wouldn’t have crossed my mind. The usual celebratory ritual: dinner, a movie, and topped off with a big dessert. Okay we still had a nice dinner at home afterward… steak, baked potato and salad. But the highlight of the day was the beauty of the rocky trail, stunning fall colors, and of course the view from the top of Camel’s Hump mountain. Just breathtaking.

It’s a 2.4 mile hike up to the top, and as we made our way up I couldn’t help but notice how good I felt. I also found myself thinking back on the days when I would physically be unable to make it all the way up. When I was 21 I hiked up Sandia mountain in NM a few times by myself, maybe a 7-8 hour hike. It’s a good feeling to be fit enough to hike a mountain again, albeit a small one!

Here are a few pics of me and DH now, and 6 years ago on our wedding day. I am probably 35 pounds lighter now.

October 6 2009, 6th wedding anniv. hike;… October 6 2003, 30+ lbs heavier

10-06-2009 hike, Camel’s Hump-VT;…  10-06-2003 hike, Maine

10-06-2009 hiking up the mountain; me and Joe 10-06-2003

My LL Bean jackets came in the mail, and they look good! I’m excited to try them out on a chilly day. The black one, which I got to replace my oversized puffy coat from last year, is warm enough (supposedly) to wear in all but the coldest weather. It’s a little loose in the torso. Because I am well-endowed, I ordered the large. If my boobs were just a wee smaller, a medium would have looked better. Never in a million years would I guess that one day I’d think a large was too big!.

Also ordered a lightweight hooded jacket… a men’s (a large… the smallest size they offered in this style). The color is awesome, a periwinkle blue which looks vibrant and happy. Perfect for my walks in cooler weather and drizzles. This one is BIG… DH assured me it didn’t look like a tent on me, so that’s okay. Lots of room to layer up when it’s chilly.

Where’s the cold weather? I’m anxious to go on a run in my new things!

154.5 today. My weight is holding steady in the mid-150’s, which is a huge relief to me now that I’m on hiatus from the diet. No measuring, counting calories, tracking… nada. I’m going rogue!

But seriously, maintaining this weight in a “normal” way is a really big deal to me. I’m nervous, but also kind of excited too. For the first several days after going off plan, it was hard to get in the groove, to shake the diet-mind. It was hard not to add up the calories in my head while I ate. I still have an impulse to grab my color-coded exercise chart after I take a walk or run. I still step on the scale a few times a week, but this habit I’ll keep, although I have cut back and feel less compulsive about it. As long as I remember to weigh in on Sunday mornings… that’s my ritual.

It’s going pretty well so far. I feel much less freaked out that I’ll lose control. I’m fine. It’s all good…

I just ordered this jacket from LL Bean. Yay! The winter coat I got last winter, size 1X, was too big on me even at my heaviest weight. The color, a dull grayish dirt color that made me feel invisible, is NOT the look I’m going for any more. Uh-uh. So I boxed up the coat and sent it back. I suppose it was a symbolic gesture, to release the old sad me and embrace the new…

I’m excited. And anxious. And nervous. My new coat is black, slightly form-fitting, lightweight and, based on the reviews, a very attractive and flattering jacket. I’ve worn a size XL or XXL for so long that wearing a Large now is like waking from a dream, speaking a foreign language… it’s wonderful! And surreal too, to bypass the XL and click on the L (gulp!). After staring at the size chart forever, I called customer service for reassurance that the jacket didn’t run small. Then, *click*… it’s done.

Of course a part of me is dreading that it won’t fit. If it’s way too snug I’m fully prepared to berate myself, “who do you think you are, buying a normal size??… what were you thinking??” BUT, I bet it’ll look great. That I’ll feel good wearing it. That I’ll LOVE it and feel motivated to keep my weight down, knowing that I can’t hide 10 or 20 extra lbs unlike every other bulky coat I’ve ever owned. Anyway, I’m excited about the purchase and my DH is probably sick of me talking about it, so there… it’s out of my system.

I’m already feeling like a total loser for (see previous post)… I’m not giving up, I’m not I’m not I’m not. Oh, how I hate my all-or-nothing thinking.