Look who’s Losin’ it…

So I finally faced the dreaded scale, and it told me exactly what I thought it would. Before the digital numbers said it, I said it: 173. It’s a significant # because 173 was the midway point in my weight loss last year… from 193 to 173 to 153. To 173.

F*ck it. So I’m back to my “normal” overweight weight, so what? It could be worse, indeed at the rate I’m going it WILL be worse. Leave it to me to wait until the last minute to do something…

So I’m cheering myself on for little things that are huge things for me right now. Right now it’s more about what I’m NOT doing versus what I am doing. Yesterday I didn’t buy candy at the grocery store, and did not make a milkshake (or 2).  Yay! I measured my cereal and milk this morning… one bowl not 3, yay! I started not eating a whole sandwich/wrap/burger etc. If I cut things in 1/2 right away, I don’t feel deprived, bonus: lunch for tomorrow.

I’m rambling. It feels good to ramble again, it’s been a few months.

I’m making little changes. Trying to get out and walk more. I pushed myself out the door to go walking today in 20’s temps… sunny but OMG, so friggin’ cold. If I keep up with it, I know I’ll get back in the habit. For some reason, the treadmill is an issue for me this winter. Don’t know why… I like walking outside, it’s totally different.

Also feel good about stocking up on fresh veggies, fruit, you know- FOOD. It’s more about what I didn’t load my cart with, you know- JUNK. I did buy a 2 liter caffeine free Diet Coke, and Diet Dr. Pepper. Oops also strawberry Whoppers. Crap, whatever.

Scale says 167 for a few days. Trying to weigh every day… I need my reality check. My parents will be here next month, around the 17th, and I haven’t seen them in a long time… since Fall 2007. Think I weighed about what I weigh now, maybe a little more. I want to look my best before their visit… for some reason it matters to me, even though it shouldn’t. My mom said she weighs close to 200 now. Up and down, up and down for her, my whole life. She’s 70 and is maybe 5′3″… I worry about her & wish she took better care of herself. Food makes her happy, she says. So that’s where I get it, lol

Have been on a little frozen yogurt/diet soda float kick. It’s deelish without being so sinful that I want to binge out on it. Supposed to warm up next week. Yesss. More walks outside.

Walked with Joe to get the Sunday NY Times yesterday. Not sure but think it’s 4 miles round trip. It was nice to walk in the sprinkles with rain jacket hoods on. AND I walked today, even though I so did not want to. It felt good to get out. It always feels good, once I get over the initial dread. “You love it”, I remind myself. I do, I do… and thank God for spring and the warmer days soon to come. When it’s nice out it’s MUCH easier to remind myself how much fun walking and running is. It’s still daylight now at 7pm. Ah! I can go on my evening walks again. I’m really really glad.

I’ve been feeling like shit for a few weeks now. “Vomitose” is what I call it… nauseous, lightheaded a few times. I know it’s all the crap I’ve been eating. Chips and sweets have become the cornerstone to my diet. Yesterday was it… no more. I am craving vegetables and fresh fruit. The thought of starting fresh occurred to me. Detox, cleanse? I feel like taking a long hot shower after weeks of living on the street… what is the diet equivalent to that? I guess a colon cleanse/ lemon water detox would be extreme. Ok, I’ll start clean in a less drastic way… Throw out Cheez-its. Eat FOOD. Munch on raw veggies. No f**ing sugar. Think that’s a good start. Oh, and WALK.. walk walk walk. Do it every day, have a damn good excuse not to.

Yay! Made a hair cut appointment on St Patty’s day. Need it, badly. My hair is angry… it refuses to look good, just limp and dull and craggy.

I feel like the sluggish bear peeking out from her winter’s cave. The sun’s getting warmer, the days are getting longer, and cabin fever is slowly making an exit. I would love to say it’s been a healthy and successful winter for me, but it has just been okay. Is it terrible to feel happy about “only” losing 10 pounds? I’m not proud, but I admit it is a huge relief not to inch up any more than that.

After last year’s weight loss, I feel empowered to tackle the 10. I found that as long as I’m out walking every day, the weight comes off relatively fast. It’s just a matter of making the commitment to START, then the “DO” just clicks.

I’m standing here looking out from the shadows of my cave, stretching and yawning, now quite ready to step out into the sunshine. I’ll start by going on a few muddy walks up the road, and by the time the snow’s all melted I’ll be in a rhythm. I really miss that feeling when you just have to take a walk, the day isn’t a day without it. Maybe I’m making excuses for not jumping right in again. The treadmill is all set up downstairs, sad and dusty from neglect. My parents are coming up next month which should be a motivator for me to lose some of this winter insulation. I’m waiting, waiting… I can feel the thawing, I’ll be ready soon.

Christmas noshing, nibbling on chocolate and cookies. Yuck. I vow to get back on the treadmill and chill out on the sweets now that the holidays are coming to a close. Oh, DH got me a nice present… Reebock cold compression tights & matching top. A good motivator!

Daily sweets grazing= 3 extra pounds. Yeah, I definitely need to snap out of it.

Set up the dvd player downstairs… now I can watch Ghost Whisperer reruns while I tread the treadmill. It felt good to get back on it after many months of outdoor walks. Ok I was in denial for a while that my daily road walks were over for the year and put off the treadmill for too long. But, now that I’m back on it, it’s like running with an old friend.

My weight went back down to my happy 155.5 for maybe a week, but today it’s up again 2 pounds. Now that I have held steady in the 150’s since September, I am feeling pretty good about maintaining for the rest of the winter. The plan is to keep my weight here in the mid-150’s until Spring hits, and then… I just feel it in my gut… I will shift gears from “maintain” to “lose”. I really really like my weight now, but I know I will lose another 10 pounds or so. I can almost feel my body wanting to be a little lighter, like it’s meant to be in the 140-ish range.

Christmas is coming up quick! I can hardly believe I got all my shopping done, no last-minute scrambling… a miracle! DH & I wait until Xmas eve to do a marathon shopping spree for each other with a $$ limit. Have that to look forward to, which is lots of fun… we make it a race, and try to avoid each other at the small shopping center we go to. Looking forward to a movie and Chinese food on Christmas day. Avatar? Oh yeah baby.

Today I am making white chocolate peppermint bark-dipped cookies. I will sample more than one I’m sure, but knowing they are meant as Xmas gifts will hopefully deter anything more than that. Wish me luck!

I made it through Thanksgiving, yay! I had been feeling panic-y about the 4-5 lbs I gained when when my SIL and niece were visitng in October… but I just started walking more and eating a little less. I went back down to 155.5, and it feels better to know that I can regain control of my weight.

Also I am realizing that making myself feel like sh** for eating chocolate does me no good at all. I need to embrace the fact that I love chocolate, and that I have very little control of it when it’s in the house. Example: I made a delicious fudge sauce the other night. The next day I ate 1/2 the jar. Normally I would sneak off to enjoy my guilty pleasure. DH saw me sitting in front of the TV with the jar and a spoon, and he just asked if I could save him enough for his ice cream later. I am not giving myself permission to binge out all the time… just to be open about it when I do. There’s some kind of psychological thing happening with the sneaking/guilt/hiding and self punishment. So, I like eating fudge sauce out of the jar. Not healthy, nor is whipping up a batch of chocolate frosting and eating on it.

But I get SICK of it after a day or two. My head hurts, I feel kind of lightheaded… we had a big head of broccoli the other day and I steamed it up, like a magic cure for sugar and chocolate. And it tasted wonderful.

I have no idea what I’m rambling on about. We got our 1st real snow, and it sucks not to be able to get out every day for a good walk. The treadmill awaits, but I am dragging my feet.

I started my new job… it’s seasonal so my last day is the 23rd. I take catalog orders over the phone for pj’s and teddy bears. I like it… wish I could keep working after xmas.

(159 lbs). I ventured out on my weekly walk today to pick up the Sunday NY Times. My Sunday ritual, a 4 mile round trip… it kinda keeps me grounded. I skipped on my birthday a few weeks ago, and it felt weird.

I start a new job tomorrow, a part-time seasonal position. I’m a little freaked out, probably because this will be my 1st job since I was laid off in October 2006. Wow, 3 years! I has some mood/anxiety issues that I needed to deal with, and now I feel much much better… so this is a big step for me. Losing 30+ pounds has helped a lot too.

The great thing about taking this job is that my lovely wonderful DH will be there with me. We start our one week training period tomorrow night. I just hope it doesn’t suck too much! Actually I’m curious to see what it’s all about (answering phones, sales). I know in my gut that getting out of the house and having some structure will be good for me. It may also cure my recent overeating issues… having too much time on my hands= not good!

Wish me luck. God I hate the 1st day of a new job, a new anything for that matter…

Went down to 156, today back up to 158.5 (sigh).  I have a dread feeling in my gut. I was doing so well for so long. Now I can barely muster up the energy to lace up for a walk.

I hate sitting here and writing this down, A) because it makes the setback real; and b) I’m afraid to put it out there for the world to see and think I’m a weak whiner. If I act strong and positive, I’ll be okay right? I don’t WANT to get heavy again, so WTF? What’s my problem, maybe it’s self-sabotage. Maybe I lost my way a little and the overeating is hard to pull away from right now. Whatever it is, those increasing #’s on the scale are making me feel panic-y. AND it’s raining today, so the walk I needed is out of the question. I just want to curl up on the couch, watch Ghost Whisperer dvd’s and eat caramel corn. Not a good day…

Do they have Chocoholics Anonymous meetings? I need one, bad. Why oh WHY did I buy that jar of Nutella? The good news is that I didn’t eat the whole thing, “only” half. And last night I made a half batch of chocolate frosting and slowly, methodically… polished it all off, in one sitting. Washed it down with a cold glass of skim milk. I could go on, listing my chocolate-coated sins… but, how boring! And besides, things tend to go downhill for me when all I do is kick myself for being bad, er, I mean human.

I had been coasting along pretty effortlessly at about 155 lbs. Then DH’s sister and niece drove up from Maryland a few weeks ago. They stayed for a week and my eating and exercise got all wonky. She cooked their Italian gramommy’s spaghetti and meatballs, and mac & cheese. We ate pie. It took a few days for me to give in to the lovely indulgences… but before long my normally small-sized portions turned into second helpings. And more pie!

Normally I weighed myself every day, or every other day… well, who wants to face reality after a lengthy yummy joy ride? Oh, I failed to mention that my 41st birthday followed the visit, which extended my gluttony. But I had so much fun! I was aware the whole time of what I was doing. Maybe a few times I felt out of control (hello, frosting? Nutella? Ice cream eaten right out of the container? and so on…)

So, whatever. I had fun. I gained a few pounds. When I finally found the nerve to step on the scale, the damage was much less than I had expected, 158.5. I was so worried I would be up in the 160’s, so WOOh-hoo! Not too bad, not bad at all.

But now Thanksgiving is staring me down, and the colder weather is upon us, and I’ll need to shift gears and plug in the treadmill again. At least I’m back to walking every day, which I had cut back on some when I saw my weight had pretty much stabilized before the visit. I know it’s just 3 1/2 pounds, but man that little bit scares me! How quickly those pounds add up. I did do a reality check though to put things in perspective… This time last year on my birthday I was 35 lbs heavier and utterly miserable.

I absolutely LOVE my slimmer self, even more than I love chocolate. I don’t want to give that up… the slim or the chocolate. Moderation… that’s my big struggle. To have my (birthday) cake and eat it too, *sigh*. Oh, and wrinkle cream! Ugh, I’m really IN my 40’s now.

I did go out and splurge on some Olay ProX heavy-duty wrinkle creams, a birthday gift to myself. Yay! If they work, hallelujah… if not I can live with some laugh lines. I earned them after all!