Waaagh

8 Jan 2011 In: Uncategorized

Now that Sodium becomes less of a problem with the liquid breakfast….seems I have to worry about carbs now.

Fruit has too many goddamned carbs, I tell ya! Now I have to buy and cut up some more apples/pineapples this weekend to boot. Harrumph. So, how to watch the carbs, I wonder? Eating more fruits/veggies is gonna do me in regardless. I suppose I shall have to go easy on the bread ah?

Meh. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Amirite?

This is day two of the”One liquid meal a day” project. I’m also working on two vegetarian days a week. This is the plan for January.

Be February I am going to ease into two liquid meals a day and three vegetarian days. Yeah, it’s strict. But I love smoothies. I need to get a freaking juicer and make magic happen.  Now it’s time to gather the energy to work out and do cardio later tonight. Hooo, boy.

Let’s do it.

I’m going to regret writing this

5 Jan 2011 In: Uncategorized

But I am getting fed up with this struggle.

Nearly 30lbs in and I am still lacking in self control, any difference in how I look and motivation is starting to wane. I’ve been doing this since September, and I feel like maybe I should have lost more like 50lbs? The holiday months really fucked me in the eye sockets.

Usually when this happens, I read or watch material on people who have lost and remind myself that “Hey, see? it is possible!” but now I just feel envy and despair. Sometimes, anyway. Seems if I want to lose anything I might need health insurance and WLS. I feel like a failure doing it the hard way as it just wont come off.

So whats discouraging me?

-A scale that reads something different every time I step on it. No, not every week, but consecutively. Within the span of 90 seconds I have been 294, 283, 287, 271, 296. It’s fucking pissing me right the fuck off. If I am going to do this I NEED A GODDAMNED WORKING SCALE. But alas, guess who cannot afford it? Yeah, me. You guessed right. That thing upstairs is a piece of shit and I want to throw it into the sun. Its making this journey very frustrating and confusing.

-Stress. So as usual living with Spirus is a financial rollercoaster. One minute its cheap, the next I’m going broke. There’s always SOMETHING we have to buy. “Hey guys, empty out your bank account! We need a new appliance/money for moving truck/television/water heater/monster in the basement! Oh, and you need it in 5 minutes or so. By the way rent’s doubling next week!” How the fuck am I supposed to not be stressed with all these FUCKING SURPRISES dumped in my lap? And its still “cheaper” rent wise than anywhere else, so moving out is not an option. Not until I finish my apprenticeship.

-Speaking of tattoos/art/trade…being broke is really hurting me in the whole Getting Healthy Food in the midst of everyone else’s processed crap. There’s never enough money or space for me to get everything I need to eat clean and correctly. NEVER. And when I do get enough? I get bitched out for taking up all the room. For what…your cheap American Cheese Product and chick’n nuggets? Jesus christ.

-Vanity. For once in my life I just want to look nice. But the appearance thing drags me down to a place where I never want to leave this house, or I dont want to buy new clothes, always wonder what it would be like, if Ryan would “love” me so much if he knew I was fat….and Martin too, for that matter. Mike does know though. (PLAYA! lol) I dont want to be a knockout, I just want to be a normal weight. I’m so sick of hearing “You would be so pretty if you…” that the next person who says it is eating my knucks. Fuck that. Dont they think I KNOW this? Call me arrogant, but if I lost the lard I would straight up turn heads. I like my face. Its a nice face. Its a mask on top of a mountain of misshappen clay, however. That really fucking scorches me.

-Anxiety. When is the tattoo shop opening? Will I make enough money? Will Janus pay me? Why can’t I finish these comic pages? Am I plateauing? What the fuck is wrong with this scale? Why wont Mesi leave me alone about RP? How is my mother’s health? Why is my computer dying again and how will I work? Will I be a good tattoo artist or mediocre? Will my teacher lose faith or interest in my due to my weight? I need to brush my hair. My skin is terrible. These huge stretchmarks will never fade, will they? Why does everyone judge me on my weight or skin color? Do I smell? Why wont my period end? How much loose skin will I have? Should I save up for surgery? Should I go to India and get it done cheaply? Will I live through it? What if I lose weight and end up still ugly as sin? Why can’t I be rich? I should give up and play the lottery? I need a car. Why wont anyone teach me to drive? Why didnt I  ever get my GED? I’m smart but an idiot on paper? Come on! And so on and so forth.

-Emotional eating/GERD pains with hunger. When I get anxious? I nibble. Sad? Comfort food. Angry? Blind rage nomming. Anxious? Eateateat. Bored? Eat…eat…eat. Or rather I just make my scheduled meal a but large. And I’m working on this, really. I am! But there’s a wrench thrown in the machine. If I am calm and cool or trying to sleep and get even just a little hungry? GRINDING CHEST PAIN FROM HELL. And its agony. Real agony. I dont even know if its GERD. It may be something different but the Docs say GERD because they are sizeist pieces of shit. I used to throw up blood. Ulcer’s, what about those? Think they cared enough to look? Mnaaah. So when I sate myself, I do it wrong. When I get emotional or bored, food wants to worm its way into the picture. I dont have enough food for several small meals and if I tilt that balance to the wrong end by not having enough time to make all these meals…I am in horrible pain. Emotional eating is hard not to do when you’re coming back from dealing with moronic pro-life people who you want to strangle.

There is no fucking justice in the world.

So what do I do?

Well, I have a small plan. I’m going to work out 6 days for the next 4 weeks. Big day, then a day where I do nothing but walk away the pounds or some other cardio. I’ll do strength training every other day to trip my muscles up and use my weight and resistance bands. I need water, lots of water. Need to get strict about that. I’ll need to work in some sitting work outs to not wear myself out. But can I stick to this? Can I keep it strictly under 1450 calories? Do you think by February 5th I could lose maybe 8-10 pounds?

If I dont, I may just go crazy. :/ Somebody just come on and slice this lard off of me please. The goal of weight loss and lifestyle change is so elusive…

Aaaaaugh

3 Jan 2011 In: Uncategorized

Freaking sodium, man!

I am barely up to 600 calories today. Sodium mg is already north of 1600.

WHY!? WHYYYYY?!

Oh well. Lots of water and working out, I guess. Whatever I eat after this has to be low sodium, so it looks like I’d better stick with my breaded tilapia and vegetables. I just use herbs in that. No salts. And I’ll close the night with pineapple slice/apple shake action.

Blegh.

Weighed myself.

3 Jan 2011 In: Uncategorized

Clocked in at 290.

….OH GOD, WHAT A RELIEF. Two pounds is nothing! I can whip that off, yeah? Thank goodness it wasn’t more.

Wheeeew!

No doubt–

2 Jan 2011 In: Monthly Status Update, Progress, Uncategorized

I may have gained a pound or three. Weigh in is coming when I rise for the day in 8 or so hours, but today I was on track. Ate 1250 calories, but didnt work out.

So tomorrow, weigh in. first of 2011!

I feel like I am starting the weight loss thing over again. I know I have not failed, I just went off course for a little while. Shit got kinda hectic, but thats okay. It happens, I was warned and I dont hate myself for it. Punishment or beating myself up for a little more than a week of “oops” wont get me anywhere. So, I’m pretty much going to reset my efforts. Gonna split my work out in to two sessions, one early and one later on in the evening. More walks are in order…especially this week as it is really warm. (If I can manage it, I’ll do my walk when rising and do my work out later at night) and after this week I’ll make my walking a Leslie Sansone video. Something a little more hardcore and more strength/balance/core based for the night seems in order.

Gonna add more about exercise to this journal; apparently thats a good tool…going into what I did and for how long. I feel positive about this. Not to mention I get a good standing work out while escorting at the local abortion clinic. But I did a little too much McDonald’s breakfast in the last week. Nooo more of that, please! “Food hangovers” are a real thing.

I shit you not.

Sleepy time!

Because I went off track a bit! These past 7 or so days have been a bit on the rough ride. I ran out of things to eat that weren’t crap or had to eat things that were or go hungry. Aside from that I had a sweet fit with chocolate alone, seemingly. Last weigh in had me at 287.8, but I am not changing my tracker yet. Its quite possible I’ve gained, honestly. Oh, and dont forget the McDonalds breakfast that, of course, gave me another food hangover.

Ugh.

Why all this? A bit of stress. Money issues, upcoming apprenticeship for tattooing and I’ve started to volunteer at the local abortion clinic along with Uncle Tom as an escort. On the way back from dealing with those people I just had to have something to eat. It shook me, those fuckers. Guh. But, I’m back on the wagon now after my short stint and I wont lie and say it didnt feel good not to count calories for a few days. Still shouldnt have happened. I get overwhelmed or agitated and I eat. It seems like without therapy or something, I wont have a way to stop myself from doing this. At least not fully. So I’m reading up on eating disorders.

I need some mantras, or a stress ball or a punching bag or something. Maybe if I came up some way other than “seen and not heard” I wouldnt a, be so weird and b, silently drown my anxiety, agitation and woes in tastes and fullness in my stomach. Yet on the flipside I am also anxious at having to eat at all. My sodium never being quite right, calorie counting and confusion over what to cook sometimes makes me want to stay in bed and never eat again.

My life would be pretty sweet if I did not have to eat. Because I wouldn’t, and I would not be fat. But when I do eat, I seem to do it wrong. Maybe not so much anymore, but it is a learning experience.

This is like coming off of a hard drug. Food withdrawals: no bueno. But every time I see my monstrous stomach I remind myself why I am changing my diet habits.

…Maybe I should put a photo of it up so its the first thing I see when I wake up. Or would that be too much?

Do you see?

16 Dec 2010 In: Thoughts and rants

I just cannot win with the sodium. Its literally back and forth!

Weighed 290 on monday

16 Dec 2010 In: Uncategorized

One pound lost? Bleargh. MUST WORK OUT MORE THIS IS CRAP. JUST CRAP.

;3; Weight loss is hard.

When do you know you are plateauing?

12 Dec 2010 In: Uncategorized

I wanna say I am? But there’s a lot counting against it. Didnt work out enough (been just trying to get into the habit and stay this way, really. Its working at least), Thanksgiving, not drinking enough water here and there, the sodium issue and I think I wasn’t eating enough means or calories. Now that I have raised it to 1400-1500 I would hope I could destabilize my metabolism and start losing again. But I have been at 291-293 for like THREE WEEKS.

(yeah, I know bitch and moan some people plateau for months) But really, should I call it one and change things or just give it a while?

Hrm. Something to consider.

…all night long.


 

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