The last few months I have been spiraling out of control on so many levels. My professional and educational life has been going really well but I have let my health and mental well being deteriorate and I have gotten so fat. I had a good self hating naked look at my self in the mirror this morning. I am getting cellulite, my stomach has a bulge, my pants don’t do up, my underwear is pinching me and I am growing another chin. I went to the gym for a post-Christmas sweat session and I weighed myself on the reliable scale. I am now a whopping 148lbs ladies and gentlemen -at 5’2″! Last year at this time I was 134lbs! I have gained nearly 15lbs in one year and nearly 30 since May 2010!

So the many Christmases and holiday celebrations are now over for the year (save New Year’s Eve on Saturday). I did not do well avoiding treats. I have a real problem with self control. I don’t need to eat these treats- I am going to have many more opportunities in my life time to eat these goodies and I don’t need to have that fifth chocolate peanut butter ball, but I honestly cannot help myself. I have this problem with shopping as well. For the last 7 years I have really struggled with an addiction to shopping.

Now I am not one of those people who has an insane amount of debt racked up and maxes out credit cards and spends my mortgage payments or grocery money on clothing (although I would be thinner lol). It seems like everyone equates shopping problems with these serious issues so when I say I think I have an addiction to shopping my friends are like, “whatever we all love to shop.” With me it is different though I know it is. I just purged my closet and gave away an entire wardrobe’s worth of clothing I don’t wear- and I still have at least double that amount left over. I know that this addiction stems from poor self esteem and needing to feel beautiful all the time. I am not happy with my body so I shop for clothing to make me temporarily feel pretty. I also know that it isn’t healthy because I feel the compulsion to shop at least once a week and after I do I immediately regret the purchase and hide the bag from my husband so he won’t know and judge me. The only person who takes my addiction seriously is my husband. He has been telling me for years I have an addiction to shopping. Having an alcoholic father has made him very sensitive to recognizing addictive behaviour. He isn’t able to help too much though because I do all of my shopping on my lunch break from work (I work in a different city than where I live and cannot go home for lunch so I get bored and fill my lunch hour with shopping). This excessive clothing buying has also prevented me from realizing that I am gaining weight because I keep getting new clothes and I forget about my old clothes. Normal people are like-  wow my pants are getting really tight, but I shop so often I just buy a bigger size and despite the fleeting moment where I realize the size on the tag is bigger I quickly forget that 2 summers ago I fit into size 2 shorts. Now I am struggling to do up my size 6’s.

I need to start anew today! I went to the gym and have been drinking tons of water. I am going to change my approach to this and take life one meal at a time. I think I derail myself by thinking about the future. “Oh I can skip the gym today, because I am going to go every other day this week” or “Oh I will eat a healthy dinner tonight (as i pop a cookie in my mouth).

God Help me!