! trANNsformation BaBy !

So this morning it wasn’t the Sopranos.

I turn on the tube and there was Renee (Zellweger) in a black shirt with her pouty pink lips.  Then Meryl (Streep) shows up looking like Dorothy with her sparkly red pumps.

Nope, shouldn’t have kept watching.

One True Thing can really deplete your tissue box.

Not that I wasn’t feelin’ somewhat fragile because 3 days of wanton eating led to a 3 pound re-gain.

But I knew something bad would happen when I willing stepped off the wagon….

I knew.

So I sit here next to a pile of wet tissues with bloodshot eyes and a red nose when a dying Meryl says

It’s so much easier to be happy, my love.

It’s so much easier to choose to love the things that you have.

And you have so much…

instead of always yearning for what you’re missing…

or what it is that you’re imaging you’re missing.

It’s so much more peaceful.

That gave me reason to pause.

As someone who spends nearly every waking minute thinking about how much space she takes up in this world, obsessing over my weight and fantasizing about the ’skinny’ me.  Yet struggling to make changes to lose this weight.

This struck home.

I also think this applies to my discontent with my non existent love life, my stressful job, my non existent home life void of children, my inability to secure a home - I don’t value what I have, rather I yearn for what I don’t have.

Could you stop obsessing about what you don’t have and make the most of what you do have?

Have I ever tried this before - not earnestly.

Does this mean I give up on the weight loss and learn to love me as I am?  No, I guess decades of self loathing can’t be ‘thought’ away.  Trying to appreciate me in between the efforts to lose weight - yeah I guess I can try that.

It’s a burden.

Unhappiness is a burden and it is with me DAILY.

I guess I’ll write this down and post it on my mirror.

Maybe it’ll help.

Today’s eating was ATROCIOUS.

The bad part - everything was beige.

The good part- I rode my bike like a fiend in the fog tonight to try to burn off some of those horrid calories.

Lesson learned - A rough moment does not equate a hamburger.

Not in any county, state, country, hemisphere or UNIVERSE.

Mocha Joes are not made for human consumption, no matter how tired you think you are.

I learned another harsh lesson today.

So one of the one on one aides for one of my kids is a cutie.  Now when we talk over the phone there is a bit of flirting - a tiny tiny bit.  So he joked last week about us going to happy hour after the teen’s school meeting.  So today during the meeting, I looked at him a few extra times (without him knowing of course) and basically took him from happy hour to back seat to alter and then finally delivery room in the course of about 10 minutes.

Needless to say I was more than disappointed when afterwards he told me he was going to Happy Hour and did not PERSONALLY invite me to go.

Now I attribute this to him probably not remembering what I looked like when he saw me last and then seeing my girth today ended that whole fantasy.

Oh well.

Lose some and then lose some.

Of course this should only apply to weight and possibly creditors but alas, it also applies to cuties who realize how big you really are… ;(

Hmmm, time to lose some weight and then….

(thunder clap)

evil laughter in the background

revenge is a dish best served COLD.

Hell, I figure in another 2 months, he probably won’t remember what I look like again.

That shit should be cold enough.

*asshole*

So yesterday was GRUELING.  I went for a brisk 30 minute walk to try to burn off some calories that I overate. But the day before I was over 500 calories!

It’s so hard trying to change the way you crave food.

Today I had a weigh in and fortunately I weighed 197.

I trust that the week from hell enabled me to lose 3 pounds.

I did manage to get on my bike twice and walk once.  So that was good too.

Hopefully next week is better?!

Good grief.

So I didn’t get the goddamn PISS house!  Yes.

But today I didn’t do too well with my eating. ;(  I logged that shit the best I could on the ‘lose it’ app for my phone.

I stayed late at work (9pm) and when I got home at 9:30pm - I decided to go for a spin around the lake.  I need a back light and a stronger front light - but I did it.  There was minutes where it was scary as fuck then there was moments where the stars were shining, the wind rustling through the leaves and the lake still.  Wonderful.  The adrenaline moments weren’t cool though…but I do like no one being on the pedestrian road but me.  I was grateful for the cars that drove by because that lit the way and also let me see what was ahead as well as giving me a feeling of safety.  Wish I had a big dog that I could take with me on this lovely night ride.

So I felt good about it.  It relieved some stress as well….

I’ve got a school meeting tomorrow for one of my teens on my day off and coincidentally I signed up for a training class for social workers on setting boundaries and dealing with secondary trauma today as well!

Tomorrow will be a much better day for eating.  I also intend to bump up the exercise as well - gonna hit the gym for a little elliptical machine  It’s been a while….

I think I’ll weigh in on Sunday - it’ll be a week on the new eating plan.

 Let’s hope it turns out well…