Wow – It’s been a long time…

Posted by snuggles1968 on April 25th, 2019 |Filed Under Emotions, General, Thoughts | Leave a Comment

Thought I’d try journaling again since I guess I’ve got nothing left to lose.

Not really sure when the last time I posted, but feel it’s time I get this crap out of my head and into words instead of trying to force it back down with food and self-loathing.

I am struggling with massive depression and low self-esteem since the sudden death of my 12 year old niece last year. I find the biggest struggle for me is the secretive, mindless, binge eating I’ve been doing lately. I know I’m doing it, but just don’t have the ‘energy’ to fight the urge to eat as well as trying to overcome this heavy grief that overwhelms me.

My question is this; How do you deal with the depression that so often accompanies the massive quantities of food being gorged on? (I don’t have a sweet tooth or crave carbs but my weakness is spicy meats & rice in large amounts) I have tried going to a therapist but she seemed loopier than I am, and she talked more about her own situation than seemed interested in helping me with my own tragedies. I don’t have any real life friends at all (for real) so I’ve got no one to share my burdens with, or to exercise with, which makes me feel even more alone and isolated. I’m also not in a good mindset to be able to trust anyone with a friendship because the one and only friend I did have, betrayed me about 10+ years ago now so I just steer clear of people altogether now. I figure if I don’t get close to ‘them’; ‘they’ won’t hurt me. And this depresses me even more because deep down, I want to have a real friend again. It’s a viscous cycle.

How do you get motivated when motivation requires you to care about yourself enough to want to get up and get moving? Which again requires motivation. It’s hard enough to get out of bed and go to work every day. It’s exhausting just leaving the house every day and having to talk to co-workers let alone find the energy to get my 10000 steps in every day. It’s weird because I know that my husband and kids care about me but feel so separated from them at the same time. In my mind, I’m so utterly alone and isolated. Even to say that I feel abandoned and lost. It’s hard to care about weight loss and eating healthy when I am struggling to even care about my own life let alone, living.

I feel ‘safe’ journaling here because I’m dismissively ignored just as I am in real life, so getting my emotions down in writing is at least a step. A cry for help as it were; into the vast emptiness of this world of un-carers and ruthlessly critical opinions of equally isolated souls.

So all this to say… I am so alone and tired. Emotionally exhausted and mentally vapid. Struggling with my weight, and now; grief with a cavernous depression that engulfs my every breath as I choke it down with yet another bite of spicy Korean fried chicken.

Pink Floyd – The Wall – Comfortably Numb plays repeatedly in my mind…  Is there anybody out there…

 

My heart hurts…


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