Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

Buggin’ August 24, 2011

Filed under: August — jewlz280 @ 9:21 am

Breakfast:  2 slices LC toast with SB butter and RS jelly, 2 eggs; coffee

Lunch:  1 slice leftover pizza, whole small pear; coffee

Snack:  Watermelon; water

Dinner:  Some thin steak, large spinach salad with onion, apple, pecans and bleu cheese dressing drizzled with some balsamic vinegar; water

Dessert:  2.5 sugar cookies with icing; coffee

Feeling any number of things today that I am very happy and very UNhappy about.  And honestly, I don’t know where to start.  Just know that they are there and happening.  UGH.  And right at the moment, I don’t have the time (nor the brain power) to think them through.  So, I think I will get to work on housework and projects this morning and then I will try to write later.  If not later, then maybe tomorrow.

OK, I’ve gotten some cleaning and stuff done and I’m about to work on another project — getting all of youngest’s winter stuff out.  FUN.  And I also hope to dust the furniture and maybe the floors.  We will see.  They are SUPPOSE to come today and put my windows in our bedroom in.  PLEASE!  Hubby says we need curtains, but I have NO idea what I want.  But we DO need some sort of curtains or something.  Otherwise, it will be like sitting on the sun in the AM.  LOL  Maybe I will go shop for that later.  We will see.  Right now I just need to get a few more things done after my break.  And maybe slurp some water.  I’ve been lacking in water today and that is BAD.  Need to be better.  I’m just glad I knocked out a lot of cleaning.  Yup.  Now if I can just get motivated to do the dusting.  But I am feeling annoyed still and am hoping that by doing some writing, I will feel better.

What is bugging me you ask?  Well let’s start out at number one.  You see, my bro just went through a nasty divorce.  My whole family decided that it was none of our business and we wanted to stay OUT of it.  It wasn’t our issue.  We wanted to be supportive, but not cause any undue stress on his kiddos.  And really, the only way to do that is to stay out of it and let it go.  We can’t change a thing and fussing and fighting and name calling only makes things worse.  So, no matter what HER family did or said, we would stay mum.  And that is what we’ve done.  We may have bitched back at forth with each other about the situation, but other than that, we’ve not spoken about it really with other people.  Well, suddenly, we started hearing things from other people… not so nice things.  Not only about him, but about our family.  Again, we stayed quiet.  And THEN the emails started from HER family.  They have contacted me repeatedly and I’ve felt like telling them off.  At first, I was cordial because, well, these are my brother’s kids family.  Not mine, obviously, but theirs.  So out of respect to the kids, I was cordial.  But the email I got yesterday was IT!  There was name calling and being ugly AT me.  I turned them into FB for harassment and blocked them.  But the truth is, I wanted to go OFF!  I wanted to tell them EXACTLY what I thought of them if for no other reason than to just make myself feel better.  But I didn’t.  And now, now I am SEETHING mad because I didn’t!!!  How messed up is that?  But I KNOW it would do no good to say anything.  These people are THAT stupid that they wouldn’t get it.  So, my time and thoughts would be wasted.  But I sit here anyways stewing mad.  I just want to explode all over them and it would serve no purpose.  I just DO NOT GET these people who thrive on drama!!!  What purpose does it serve?  Who does it help?  Does it REALLY make them feel good???  Why oh WHY do I let their crap get to me?  Why couldn’t I just block them, report them, and go on with my day?  Why am I letting it eat at my heart?  Aargh.  At least I’m not emotionally stuffing my face.  I AM craving a cupcake, but I’ve wanted that for the last two days so I don’t think that’s too big of a deal.  LOL  I am just angry and wishing that there was some way to open these people’s eyes to their own crap.  You’d think that after catching their own daughter in numerous lies, they wouldn’t believe a THING that POS says. But it’s like it never happened and they are back to believing her.  You know that old saying lie to me once, shame on you, lie to me twice, shame on me?  SHAME THE FUCK ON ALL OF YOU!!!!  DUMBASSES!!!  Yes, that’s how I really feel.  URGH!!!

Number two.  I keep reading blogs about people finding themselves and I read through one about ‘Eat Pray Love’ and they said it was a movie a lot of people didn’t like.  I wanna say it was Lynn’s but for the life of me, I can’t remember.  Anywho’s, I got to thinking about that and how I had seen/heard the opposite.  And as I was reading her blog I kept thinking that I don’t get why people think they have to travel the world to find themselves and do all these things.  You know why I think some people might not have liked the movie?  (I was sorta indifferent about it I might add.)  I think the people who didn’t like it probably thought it silly that she had to travel all over the world to ‘find’ herself.  Now, I’m not saying I agree really.  I’m saying, I understand why someone would think that.  Mostly because it seems anymore that to ‘find’ yourself people keep looking all around… including all over the world.  I’m not saying that some people don’t need that (after all, seeing other cultures and ways of life can be well, life changing), but it makes me wonder WHY is that always so many people’s first idea?  Which in turn got me to thinking about what I want out of life and where I want to end up.  And you know what… I don’t want to travel the world to figure it out.  Having done the military thing, I feel like I’ve done enough traveling for this ol’ gal.  I don’t want to look to external things to please me or discover who I am.  What I REALLY want is contentment.  I want to wake up to each day and feel at peace and feel happy where I am in life.  THAT is what I’m searching for.  I don’t begrudge anyone searching or doing it their way even if it includes traveling all over kingdom come, but for me… yeah, I want to find it right here.  Inside of me.  I want to live each day and feel like I’m right where I’m suppose to be.  I want to wake up and know that each day is just as it is and find the good and happy things in it.  I won’t lie, I KNOW that isn’t going to happen every single day, but that’s what I want to strive for: that happiness in me that goes wherever I go; that warmth that drives me and is a light that anyone who meets me, will see.

Third.  Youngest is driving me NUTS.  Not only are we still doing the up at night thing, but we are also doing the let’s whine and get into EVERYTHING thing.  I am going NUTS.  I swear, I feel like my days are spent saying no a hundred times, hand smackings, and time outs.  UGH.  It is making me in a VERY bad mood.  I can’t seem to find anything that seems to break this pattern.  I have tried everything I know to do, but he keeps going in this almost circle pattern around and around and around doing the things he KNOWS he shouldn’t do!  How do I know he knows?  Because the minute I come towards him he slams the pantry door shut and runs.  Yup.  HE KNOWS.  But he does it anyways.  He has spent a LOT of time in the playpen today!  I just ignore the screaming and do my cleaning or whatnot.  NOT happy with him right now.  I need a break!

On a good note, my bedroom is no longer a black abyss!  The window guys FINALLY came and we now have our new windows installed.  SOOO happy!  We just used the old curtains nailed up on their rings.  So, I will need to figure something out for that eventually.  I’m having a hard time deciding what to do with the windows in the back of the house.  In the front, it was easy — we knew we wanted them all to match from the street to go with our color scheme.  So, the easiest thing was to put up faux wooden blinds so that from the inside, we could use whatever but from the street, they were all the same.  From the back, I want something similar, but I don’t really want to do white.  I want something more casual.  I am thinking of doing those natural blinds — probably matchstick.  But you still don’t get much privacy with those, so we would need to put something behind them.  Maybe those cheap roller shades.  We did that in the last house and it worked really well.  They gave the solid look from the street, but allowed us to use whatever we wanted on the inside.  I’m thinking that is the best option.

Geez… this is long enough.  On to a new day!


4 Responses to “Buggin’”

  1. misscatty Says:

    Your youngest is 17 months right? Little young for terrible twos but it sounds like them! I know you have an older one, but kids can be so very different. I Know the last thing you need is another activity on top of all the other ones you have to do being a mom, but he sounds like he has too much energy and its my mom guess that he probably used to focus his energy in tumbling with and chasing after his older sibling! Now the sibling is gone and he is trying to get attention and burn off that amazing energy! My youngest did the same things, and it was TOUGH! Can you focus his HUGE amount of energy into something? I suggest a nice long walk to a park, for walking exercise for both of you! Or if you can’t a couple days a week at a day care where he gets to run with a pack of children his own age. Also, perhaps a mom of someone in your youngest’s class is suffereing the same fate, perhaps you can trade days off? It would let them play with eachother and tucker eachother out, watching two is what your used to anyway, and flip flopping a tuesday and thursday would gain you an ENTIRE day for your chores and errands without baby! Coordinating drop off and pick up would be easy peasy with the fact that you both have to get oldest!

  2. familyaffair Says:

    AMEN to finding yourself. . . well. . . within yourself! I just can’t understand why people feel that they have to travel & do this or that to find themselves. If you can’t discover who you are right in your heart, then there’s a problem. While life may be a sh*t hole for our family, right now, I am content in knowing that I am a mother, a wife & so much more!

    Sorry to hear about the frustrations with your youngest. That age is a tough one, where they will test your limits. But you know that! Hopefully it will pass soon. As well as the situation with your brother’s in-laws. People can be so asinine!

  3. jewlz280 Says:

    @Miss Catty. Nope, we’re at 13mos.. as of yesterday! :O And oldest is in school, but they are staggered right now so he’s been home. I’m not sure what to do at this point, but I do hope to meet other Mom’s when school gets going full time. I think it’s neat they do staggered here for K in the beginning, but I’m ready to get on a schedule! LOL I miss the days when oldest was in Pre-K. I had a nice little group of friends. 🙂 Walking is a good idea for when he gets older and is a bit more coordinated. I’m wondering if he is being so grumpy from being tired — we did A LOT of running around the last few days. He’s STILL asleep now so I’m hoping he wakes up in a much better mood.

  4. didibuttonsley Says:

    I’ve done a little traveling around this country finding myself, but I’ve also done plenty of it within. Different people need to do different things to figure it all out. I’ve had a nice mix of being at home, and being “on the road.”
    Wow. I’m sorry you had to put up with rude messages from your brother’s ex’s family. I feel embarrassed for those people. Why would they send those kind of messages to you in the first place? What a lack of tact and decency that indicates.
    Once, long ago, I had to kick out a roommate (hadn’t paid rent for months) & her mother sent me nasty messages. I never responded and blocked her immediately. Sometimes people are just too goofy.

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