Yearning for… MYSELF.

Cause I’m not sure who this fat chick is!

Update March 4, 2012

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 12:19 pm

So, here I am!  Now you all know what I look like.  This is actually a current pic from January when I decided that the pic on my FB page had sat there long enough without being changed.  LOL  It’s nothing fancy.  I literally grabbed my camera on a decent day and just snapped a few shots.  I think I have on just some eye make-up.  And yes, I wear those big ol’ hoopty earrings pretty much daily.  I love big earrings!  I’m not sure why, but I do.  Always have.  LOL

Anyways, as you can see from the title, I’m updating.  I did my weight first and was disappointed to see that from last week, there was no change.  Still 191.5.  At first, I was really mad.  Mostly because if anything, I’ve been UNDER this week on cals.  Even with the one night of going out, I’ve been where I should be and like I said, had a day or two of lower cals than the 1600.  Closer to 1400.  So, I was very angry that I had been so good only to get on the scale and see that I hadn’t lost anything.  But then I got to thinking about it and realized that I needed to get over it.  There are several reasons why my weight could have stayed the same and in the end, none of them are worth getting mad about because they are out of my control.  Such as deaths, illnesses, awful weather, etc.  The stress from all of that I’m sure made a difference.  Even though I didn’t eat to compensate for it, I still think it did something chemically to my body.  Especially after spending the night stuffed into the overflow pantry in my basement with my kids, my SIL, my dogs, and our emergency gear.  It was a long stressful night.  We were REALLY lucky that we were spared.  Several towns under 100 miles from here are destroyed.  Middle TN got hit HARD and it’s been a mess.  We had 3 touchdowns here, but luckily when it hits the valley, it seems to break up and miss us some.  That’s why the storms last April were so freaky.  Back to my point, between all of that and the fact that I should start my period in the next day or two, I’m not overly shocked.  Disappointed, yes.  Shocked, no.  But I’m not giving up.

So, that means that over the last two months I’ve only lost 5lbs.  Which sorta blows.  Only because I had really hoped to be closer to my high number of 16lbs. at this point.  I’m off by 11lbs.  And from my low number, I’m only off 3.  But still.  I would’ve at least liked to be down 6lbs.  BLEH.  I’m trying not to be too down, really, but it’s frustrating.  I know, I know…. it’s probably because I’m not exercising.  You’re probably right.  But on a good note from all of these storms, a big chunk of my garage got cleaned out so I may be able to at least get in some walking time soon!  LOL  Hubby is anxious to be working out now since he is FINALLY seeing some good results!  😀

Speaking of hubby… he was right.  I told him that in the last month or two, I hadn’t felt like I was losing but was glad that it looked like I was because he said my stomach area seemed so much smaller.  When I did my measurements today, turns out he was right!  The only place I really lost was my tummy area!  Which after the disappointment of the lack of loss actually made me feel better.  Mostly because when I had started to gain, my stomach is what seemed to explode.  And I have a lot of fattiness there.  So, to be losing that makes me VERY happy!  I have a pretty curvy figure.  I’m very close to hourglass, but would probably be considered a pear as my butt, hips, and thighs are really full.  So, when I lose I don’t lose as fast there.  I also tend to put on muscle there very easy.  I think if we get the garage set up, I may very well go back to some weight training.  I think that will help my hips and thighs more than anything.  I still want to walk and do Pilates, but I think the weight training will help my muscles fill out a bit and get rid of the saggy skin.  I honestly think the reason it’s gotten mushy is lack of muscle from not working out.  Not even doing much walking.  So, I gotta do this.  I should post my ‘skivvies’ pic just to show where my problem area really is!  LOL

I added 4 pics to my Pix page.  I hate the photo uploader here!  UGH!  I couldn’t get them on the page where I wanted and they are all crammed together.  Then again, I didn’t really take the time to play with them much, so maybe I could figure it out if I did.  Anyways, I hope to add one or two more pics later if I can.  Hubby will be up and I should be able to play with the camera some.  I want to take a pic in that red dress again and then one in my new bathing suit for tracking.  I didn’t want to post the skivvies pics cause it’s basically bra and underwear, but I did want SOMETHING to go by.  I talked to a friend and she said I should do a bathing suit.  BRILLIANT!  So… I bought a bikini top (I already had a plain black skirt bottom thing).  I haven’t worn a bikini in… I won’t post how long cause it will make me feel old!  HA!  But it’s just a plain black one and I want to use it for tracking.  Will I ever wear it in public?  We’ll see…  I normally wear tankini’s, so I don’t know if I will ever be brave enough to wear the bikini top.  I am going to start using some Mederma, but my stretch marks are pretty big from having my second.  I barely had any with oldest, but man, I got SO BIG with my second.  I would post a pic, but you’d swear I altered it!  LMAO

So, I guess that is about it for today!  I’ve gotten braver and uploaded a pic of me, updated all my pages, and told you about buying a bikini.  The only other thing I wanted to post about is a blog that I read that other day that talked about taking time for yourself.  And that’s when it hit me that I’ve been spending lots of time on the net just messing around, not getting much done, feeling tired and whatever and it hit me that I was displaying signs of depression.  SO much had been going on this week and I had felt drained and then I realized that not only this week, but slowly over the last couple of months I’ve been letting myself slowly slip away.  And it’s the little things… wasting time on mindless stuff on the net rather than doing something I REALLY want to do.  Not taking as much time to ‘primp’ as I use to.  Just random things.  They’ve all added up.  And I wonder if exercise is the same?  Is it something I’m denying myself?  This blog is about the only tool I’ve been using and now I’m thinking I need to REALLY use it.  I need to get on here and blog but not do the other stuff so much.  I need to support others and read blogs and then get off of here and not continue to be in a slump.  Maybe it was Pepa who was talking about taking time for her?  Anyways, it hit me I need to do all these things for myself.  Blog, take the time to shave and pluck, do my nails, read a book, and even exercise.  I’ve just let it all go slowly over time and it’s hitting me that due to lack of a social life, I’ve just been letting the things that I need and want go.  That shits gotta stop!  NOW!  I started last night.  I played a game because I wanted to then got off the pute.  I took a nice LONG hot shower (most of my showers are 15 and under) and even shaved up everything!  It was something small, but I RARELY shave all in one night anymore.  I know this may sound weird but even though I was going to bed alone since hubby was at work, I felt sexy and more confident.  I need that back!  So, going to attempt to take some more time for me.  I know realistically this won’t happen all of the time, but I’ve gotta start somewhere.  And I want to enjoy these things more and not rush so much.  I’m rushing so much I’m forgetting how to just really relax.  I use to even enjoy dying my hair and anymore it’s a chore I rush through.  Nope.  No more.  Gotta start feeling GOOD about these things and appreciate who I am right now in this life and stop ‘forgetting to smell the roses’.  Or for me, gardenia’s… love those.

Ok, now that I’ve written a novel, it’s time to move onwards and upwards with my day.  Snacks are needed, hubby will be up soon, and I have tons I’d like to get done.  Hope everyone is having a great weekend!  And I hope all of my bloggy buddies made it through the storms ok.  🙂

**Insert** BTW, do I look like you thought I would???  Just curious…


A bit better. March 2, 2012

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 4:18 pm

I’m feeling a bit better this AM.  I was up way too late last night, but at least I had a good reason.  I felt horrid pretty much all of yesterday and then when we kept hearing about these bad storms, I knew that I needed to be sure and get the garage cleaned up so I could get my car in there.  The hubbs car will be unprotected, but it will be at his work so there isn’t much we can do about it.  Another big storm and once again, hubby will have to be gone.  UGH.  Just like when he was in the Navy.  During Isabelle, he had to go and be on the ship and it was just me by myself.  Yes, I could’ve left but in the end I had too many friends who couldn’t leave.  So I stayed to help them out, with the plan that if they evacuated I had somewhere to go.  And then last year during those BAD storms in April where we got all of that damage, he had to work.  Once again, he has to work tonight.  UGH.  I just checked the radar and 1) I don’t think it’s as bad as they said it was going to be and 2) Even if it is bad, it looks like it has split and the majority will miss us.  Here in a bit, I’m still going to charge my pute and phone and take a few things down to the pantry in case we need to use it for a storm shelter, but I’m hoping we won’t.  It sucked having to sit down there in the dark for what felt like HOURS last year.  BLEH.  But at least we were safe and warm.  Anyways, I stayed up late last night after I got to feeling better to try to get the garage side of the downstairs cleared out so that I could get my car in there.  Before I realized it, it was well after midnight!  But at least I got a lot done.  The hubbs got in after 8 this morning and finished up the rest and parked the car in there.  I will more than likely have to take it back out for pickup from school, but at least we know it will fit in there.  I think this proves that we REALLY need to get the shed cleaned out and move a LOT of that stuff out there.  But right now, the shed is crammed full.  I have a feeling we will be majorly busy this Spring/Summer!!!

My weight yesterday was 191.5 and 191 today.  I felt really uncomfortable yesterday, so it didn’t surprise me that my weight was up.  What I was surprised at was the 191 today!  After moving all that stuff around and really breaking a sweat, I figured my muscles would be swollen and my weight would be up even more.  I really hope to see 190 on Sunday.  I don’t know if that will happen, but that is what I’m working for.  I had hoped to be under 190 this month, but I don’t see that happening.  Sunday will be my last weigh-in for the month, so I hope it’s good!  Then onwards to the next month.  Next month, well, actually NOW, I need to really start finding the time to workout.  I had thought to start this week, but with all the worries of storms and not feeling well, I didn’t get started like I had hoped to.  I don’t know if I will ever get started.  UGH.

OH!  And I forgot to say I didn’t do my measurements the other day.  I decided to only do it monthly so I am going to try to remember to do it this Sunday.  So, I didn’t do it previously like I had mentioned.  I’m not sure why I want to do them as I don’t think there will be much change without the working out.  :/  And I’ve decided to put up some pics.  I want to find some today and get them loaded hopefully tonight.  I already have two photos in mind.  I don’t think I have a recent full body photo, but maybe I can take one tonight.  🙂  Especially if I can take that photo in the same dress.  I think I have that same dress still.  I remember wearing it in the first photo and how TIGHT it was.  And I kept thinking to myself how uncomfortable the dress was and that I shouldn’t have worn it.  I wonder if any of you will be surprised at what I look like?  I always try to imagine what some of the posters on here look like from reading their blogs.  So far, no huge surprises but one.  And it wasn’t huge… just unexpected.  LOL

It’s later in the day now and the first band of storms rolled through rather quick without much damage.  One tornado was spotted downtown, but that was it and it blew over rather quick.  But this front behind it is HUGE.  Like, REALLY HUGE.  It spans pretty much the entire mid to eastern half of the state.  :O  I’m a bit worried.  I’m really as prepared as I can be right now, although I guess I could do a bit more, just not sure what?  maybe put up some stuff in the yard?  I may do that in a min.  There isn’t much, so it would be a quick job.  Just with all of this wind, I’d like as much to be anchored down as possible.  I can just throw it all in the shed.  Not sure what to do with the pile of wood… It’s just too much to move and I have no where better to put it.  But the light plastic stuff can be secured and hopefully make things a bit safer.  I want to wait until youngest is asleep though.  But right now, I still here fussing.  BLEH.

Ok, well, going to get off of here and attempt to pick up a bit and maybe do some dusting.  I already cleaned the kitchen pretty well and I don’t want to do the bathroom right at the moment so the other stuff is at priority right now.  LOL  Maybe if I get things picked up, the house dusted, and a load of laundry done I can consider this day successful instead of a drag like it feels.  Wish me luck with this and the weather, ladies!


Oh my stomach! March 1, 2012

Filed under: March — jewlz280 @ 12:39 pm

I got up this AM with a stomach ache and I’m a bit swollen.  Not sure what all that is about, but I’m darn near miserable!  I don’t know where it came from, but I thought maybe I was just really hungry so I ate a regular breakfast instead of half.  Which was just a bagel w/butter, mixed fruit, and coffee.  After I ate, it almost felt worse and I thought, maybe I need to poop!  So, went and did that.  STILL hurting.  And NOW I’m all bloated to beat it all!  AARGHHHH!!!!  Why would I swell and bloat up AFTER I went to the bathroom???  I don’t understand.  It’s like I ate something my body is mad about, but I don’t know what it could be.  I’ve not eaten anything that I know upsets my tummy.  It’s just weird.  Weird and miserable.  :/

So, this isn’t going to be long.  I need to lay down or something and hope this passes.  I’ve been drinking water like crack and it’s starting to feel better.  Maybe I didn’t get enough yesterday?  I don’t know.  But I feel like crud.  I will write again later if I don’t feel horrid.