Journey2skinny asks if I have tips about changing my relation with food… I don’t know if I can give any kind of advice, but maybe what happened to me may get to be help somebody understand their situation better and find their own tools to eat to live and not the other way around.
I never did any therapy and always wondered what had triggered a behaviour which was far from “normal”: growing up I sneaked into the kitchen to steal cookies, I ate everything I could find when I was home alone –not often, but as soon as my parents went on an errand I started eating–, and in my teens I tried to lose weight by any means: I pretended to eat and hid the food in my napkin, I took diet pills in secret –I was 17 when I started to do that–, I pretended to eat out with friends and skept the meal… and then I would binge when alone. I got married very young and thought that leaving home would fix things, but I got worse: I used to walk to the baker’s to buy pastries “for my husband”, and would eat more than half on the way home. I put on weight, but not so much that people would think it a problem –I was just chubby, not yet overweight.
My marriage was awful. When I was really sad I lost weight because I couln’t eat, but then when things got better I would go back to bingeing. Finally I divorced and stopped caring much about my weight. My normal weight is aroud 110 pounds –less than 100 at 18–, and my heighest was in December 2011, around 124. As you see, it is not obesity but overweight. In a woman who is short, clothes do not fit well with that weight. I have a thin upper body and wide hips and heavy thighs. The fact that I always felt ugly meant that I did not play sports or go out much just because the clothes I used to wear –and still wear– were not appropriate for leisure activities. For instance, in my town many people go boating. I never did, because you cannot go boating wearing a tailor suit, can you?
And then something happened in December 2011. I started to be able to acknowledge how I felt and to be able to stop and ask myself what was going on before attacking the fridge. I came to realize that when I thought of food when not hungry, something was happening to me: instead of covering things up with food, I started to probe into my soul to find out what it was. That, coupled with a low carb food plan, has allowed me so far to keep away from comfort food. Keeping blood sugar low makes it easier to control yourself, and that is what I am doing. I don’t know if I will ever recover completely, but I wish I could some day feel in control of that aspect of my life. I know I have to keep away from cookies and bread –they are my triggers– if I want to think straight. If flour finds its way back into my life again, probably I won’t be able to think clearly.
I notice that now that I feel more in control I am gaining in self-confidence and dare say things and do things I wouldn’t have dared before, though the scale has not moved much. If I ever lose the extra pounds and can dress in a way that makes me feel better, I know I can accomplish a lot. So, I am glad I found this site where I can vent and maybe help somebody else find shortcuts to healing. I thank all those who read this and participate in the forums! I hope you all have very happy lives!