Round

Dear 190’s,

We’ve known each other for quite a while now, and it’s hard for me to say this, but it’s time for us to move on in our lives.  I have other decades to explore, and you have plenty of other people who would be so happy to welcome you into their lives.

I was so excited to meet you last year, and I’ll never forget the excitement that I had in leaving the 200’s behind and entering into Onederland, and meeting you, specifically 199.  I’ve spend almost a whole year with you, although I admit I’ve flirted with the 180s a bit, but always came running back to you.  I know we both thought we were finished with each other in the first quarter of this year, but of course a series of events lead me back to you in April, and we’ve been hanging out again together since then.

I’ve really liked getting to know the whole 190 family.  I’ve passed such a huge part of the past year with 194, 193 and their friends 195 and 192, I know them really intimately and they’ve been there every week to say hello again for several months now.

For the past month or so I’ve gotten to know 191 and 190 and of course 193 keeps coming back over and over.

But it’s time for us to part ways.  As great as it’s been to meet you, the slow weight loss & the “treading weight” periods are getting to me, it’s time to move on with my life now.  Plus, I know so many people who are so anxious to come to Onederland and meet 199 and his friends.  It’s best for us both to move on.

I know breaking up is always hard to do, but I don’t want you to feel like I don’t appreciate the time we spent together.

I learned a lot from you.  I learned to hang in there through hard times (like this recent miscarriage), and I learned I could get back on track while we were friends.   We made it through some really hard times together.  A cancer diagnosis. A hysterectomy.  A really eye-popping infertility story.  We’ve also had good times, of course - remember our happy list?  I started that after I met you, and I’ll cherish it always as a reminder of you.

But now it’s time, and I’m moving on to other decades.  I don’t want you to be jealous of the 180s - I’m not going to stay with them forever either. And it’s not like I’ll never see you again, either.  I’m sure you’ll pop up now and then over the next month or two, and after that I’ll still see you if I hop on the scale at the end of the day after eating and drinking a lot…  Several months down the road we won’t see each other very much - but if I get nostalgic I can always pick up something heavy when I get on the scale & come & say hi.

I know you’ve always wanted the best for me, and I really appreciate how you’ve been there for me this past year.  But now I feel ready to move on, and I know that you will make someone else really really happy, so it’s best for us to part ways.

Much love,

Sarah

—————-

I’ve moved my blog!  You can find this post and all the rest of my blog at http://LowStressWeightLoss.com
Please come leave me a comment at the new location (comments are closed here now), and you can sign up for posts via email too!

IF is for Infertility.  What a terrible word.  It’s so…final.

I have fought this finality for several years now.

First several months of hope and no knowledge of the science, but no pregnancy.

Then several months of doctors telling me to chart my temps and time our sex.  Not much fun, but not too onerous, and other than a few bucks for a thermometer, quite cheap.

You want me to go and have a pap smear-like test after having sex?  Really?  I’m glad that’s not MY job…

Clomid - higher hopes, higher costs, more technology, including ovulation predictor kits.  Still nothing.

Move on to the Fertility Doctor.  Lots more tests.  And more stress.  After the tests, add in shots.  Lots of shots. Injectables + IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination)

Finally, a BFP (Big Fat Positive)! So Happy!

Then, the crushing learning that positive pregnancy test does not mean a baby.  Miscarriage. So, so Sad.

Long time to get back to normal cycles.  All this waiting, time ticking away….

Several more attempts on the same protocol, always negative.

Several more injectable + IUI cycles on different protocols.  Still negative.

Decide to move to IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization). Lots and lots more shots.

Negative test.  Sad.  Period extremely light (but present).  A few days later boobs are hurting again.  What is up? Temps are back up too.

Pregnancy test says positive, doctor says “ectopic”, blood tests look lousy.  This drags on for days, then weeks.  Never looks dangerous but never resolves.  Finally pain & bleeding, an emergency room, and methotrexate.  This sucks.

Months again to get back to normal.

Frozen embryo transfer.  Nothing.

Decide we need to move on to the Big Leagues & travel to a top-rated fertility clinic.  At the consultation I am told to have a D&C because of thickening in the uterus.  I can do this back home, and I do.

On the day I am to start shots for the Big League IVF I see my local Fertility Doctor who sees the test result from the D&C & informs me that it looks like cancer.  What the h$ll???  I am annoyed, then angry, and mostly terrified.  The days feel like months as I go through several tests to see if tumors are visible, spreading, invading my body.  Those come out okay, but repeat D&C confirms : uterus must come out.

There is a lot of terrible emotion for me, for my husband in all this.  Second opinions conflict with the first.  Third opinions conflict with both.  Confusing, and Scary.

Finally decide to have the hysterectomy & not take too much more risk.  Heartbreaking, but clearly the smartest choice.

The facts : Babies are made by an egg, a sperm & growth in a womb.  I need to give up my womb, but can still use my eggs.

We find a wonderful woman who wants to be a gestational carrier (surrogate).  She is friend of my sister & works as a midwife.  We trust her.

We do IVF and freeze all embryos before the hysterectomy.  For an old broad it goes pretty well (12 eggs, 9 embryos frozen on Day 3).

Hysterectomy takes place and is pretty uneventful.  All traces of disease removed, no further treatment needed, I keep my ovaries.  It is clear from the pathology that this was the right course of action.

Big League Fertility center says for absolute best chance of ever having 2 kids I should do another IVF retrieval & a fresh transfer to the gestational carrier.  I’m 41 1/2, if we’re going to do it again, it’s now or never…

We do it.  Lots of shots again, lots of time and money invested again.  Great response, they get 16 eggs, 14 fertilize, 9 make it to day 5 or 6 blastocytes.  7 frozen, 2 are transferred.

The transfer is so strange.  Awe-inspiring to see the technology and the quick glimpse of the embryos.  Discussions and contracts and coffee and meals do not prepare you for the emotions of seeing this woman willing to use her body to nurture our baby.

We wait.

The day before the official blood test we ask her to pee on a stick.  She sends an MMS that my ancient phone can’t read, but I assume an MMS means there is something worth taking a picture of — there is, it’s positive!

First beta looks good.  So does the second.

Now we wait some more, until the ultrasound. (UPDATE May 14th : One heartbeat! All looks good!)

…Then we’ll wait some more while he or she stays nestled into a generous woman’s womb, until our baby can be in our arms.

UPDATE May 25th : No more heartbeat.  Another miscarriage.

——————–

If you have questions or need a shoulder to discuss any aspect of infertility (including surrogacy / gestational carriers ) please contact me, either through comments or directly.  Although this blog is mainly about my weight, infertility has been the biggest issue in my life for the past few years, and I know how hard it can be.

——————-

This is a slightly-late post for National Infertility Awareness Week & Project IF run by the blog Stirrup Queens.

To learn more about infertility: www.resolve.org/infertility101

It’s very early. But it’s good news, and I’m really happy.

Our gestational carrier (surrogate) is pregnant!

Now, it’s still really early, we still need another blood test (later this week), an ultrasound (in 3 weeks), to get through the first trimester, and of course to get through the whole 9 months & actually have our baby in our arms. And I’ve played the fertility game long enough to know that there is a big difference between a positive test & actually having a baby…

Still, considering how much we’ve been through to get to this point, we’re thrilled!

Thanks to all of you who’ve gave us your support, prayers & good thoughts.

Well, I’m pretty far off track as far as diet, exercise & healthy living go right now.

Of course, I know it’s temporary and for a good cause (babies!) but I’m actually really glad that from Tuesday I’m back on track.

Things here in Denver have gone well so far - I’ll update with the details once we pass another major milestone in a few days.

My doctor has helped the eating/no-exercise festival by banning exercise until Tuesday the 27th, although light walking is okay.

My husband and I are actually quite tired of restaurant eating and junk.  Last night we had dinner in and ate tons of veggies.  Not that lots of veggies have been the norm, but I’m really ready to get back to healthy eating and a more stable environment.  Eating Mexican food and cinnamon bread has been a nice break, but I’m ready to be back on track soon.   The scale will no doubt show a big jump up.  Partly due to hormones but mainly due to my lousy eating choices, but no need to worry about it, just back on track next week.

Many many things are more important than weight.

One of those things is my health, and thankfully that is good now.

Another one is having a baby, and that’s become complicated for us, but still a possibility and frankly, our top priority nowadays.

Right now that goal has me taking 4 shots of hormones a day, daily medical appointments and other minor inconveniences. It also has me full of hope.

Dieting and weight loss are on the back burner for another week or so, then I’ll be back to being serious.

These past few weeks I’ve posted more and more about Relaxing and Pleasures and balancing stress.  Last week I started a cool new thing to post my “100+ Things That Make Me Happy” list — and I hope many people will join me.

As some of you have guessed, it’s not just me sitting home in a bubble bath that has me thinking about relaxation and stress reduction — it’s my stressful life, which is getting a bit more stressful again.  Life is like that, things tend to come in waves, and while 2009 turned out to be very stressful because of my health, there are still big implications from that in 2010.

What’s stressing me now?

The biggest stressors for me are still around my health, and still fallout from last year’s shocking diagnosis of endometrial cancer that left me having a hysterectomy when I was hoping to have a baby.

We’re gearing up for another IVF harvest in the coming weeks.  The incredible irony of birth control pills after a hysterectomy, the joy of 50+ shots, the horror of giving myself injections in airplane bathrooms, the organization of about a million details and appointments, the crippling expense of the whole process, and of course the emotional toll of the whole process.  …and of course the Hope that this time it will result in a healthy baby.

So, weight loss is on hold for a few more weeks, as I try to have a very healthy organic diet and some regular exercise, but keep myself away from any extremes (avoiding both extreme indulgences and also dieting).  In total it will be about a 6 week break (started 2 weeks ago) because I don’t want to be depriving my eggs of any nutrients they may need.  It would be great if I can manage to keep my weight to stable within 2 pounds during this period - so I’m actively paying attention to not overdoing it, but don’t expect to lose (or want to lose) right now.

There are also other sources of stress right now (notably Job Stress) but that’s minor in the greater scheme of things.

The plan for this week

Really, even though I’m not losing, I’m someone who needs to pay attention in order to maintain.

Focus days? Monday-Thursday

Challenges : Tuesday lunch (out with colleagues), fitting in exercise

Solutions : gym tonight, gym tomorrow morning and gym either Weds morning or Thurs morning

Tuesday lunch : big salad and bring snacks with me for later

Friday flight : bring healthy snacks with me, have a bite to eat at the airport before boarding, eat at the layover, bring a good book & a fully charged iPhone

Talk to my parents about getting a gym pass for time at home…

Scale? Try to keep with the once a week check-ins

One thing I learned many years ago is to have a plan of action for stalls & plateaus.  I generally don’t consider myself plateaued until it’s been 3 weeks of no loss while I was making an effort.  If I’m not making an effort, I can’t really call it a plateau, just being off plan.  And we all know how fickle the scale is so one week is definitely not enough to worry about, two makes me wonder, but three there is no denying it. 

The plan of action for me usually consists of going back to tracking carefully & counting whatever it is I’m counting — calories, fat grams, or these days, grams of carboydrate.  The act of counting makes me MUCH more aware of what I’m eating and I can make changes accordingly.

I weigh in “officially” Monday mornings, but step on the scale more days than not during the week.  Those daily weigh ins are just for focus - I don’t write them down anywhere, but they usually give me an indication of what is going on - and I find that the daily pattern helps me keep focused on my weight every day.   I know my weight fluctuates by about 3-4 pounds during the week, so I wasn’t too worried — it would be back down soon.

Except it hasn’t been.  The 190s have been winning.  For the past few weeks those daily weigh ins have been up a bit or staying the same — bouncing around 189, then several days of 190 or 191 then back to 189.  I think in 3 weeks I saw 188 once only — and the numbers with a 19x more often than anything else. 

It hasn’t helped that we’ve been away the last 2 weekends and that on both weekends I was less than 100% compliant with my diet.  Both weekends I was “pretty good” but really “pretty good” means “good enough to maintain my weight” not good enough to lose.  2 bites of 2 desserts, a nibble of this or that, ‘just a taste’ of something wonderful on my husband’s plate.  Really, great self restraint, but still, it can add up.  And low-carb dieting is not for the faint of heart, as one high carb slip can add pounds really fast as the carbs add water & therefore weight.  It’s easy come, easy go once you go back to stricter carb levels, but those jumps in the scale can be demoralizing if you don’t really understand the whys.  Even if you do, like me, it’s not so fun to see much bigger numbers suddenly come home to roost.

For the past several months I’ve been eating low carb without keeping track of exactly what I was eating nor how many carbs it contained.   So I knew my Plateau Action Plan would be to go back to basics — back to counting.   Over the past few months I’ve not paid much attention to serving sizes of veggies & admit that the occaisional bite of fruit has slipped in.  I also regularly eat foods that many low-carb dieters stay away from - such as fresh cheeses, mushrooms & nuts.  Bottom line - I suspected there could be a pretty good gap between my real carb intake & what I was trying for. 

So yesterday, when the scale showed 190 (officially up 1 pound from 189, where I’ve been for 2 weeks before that) I knew I needed to start counting again.  And just over 24 hours later, I wasn’t surprised by what I found — many more carbs than I expected, and this was with me paying close attention.  Last week, when I was still winging it, I easily ate 3 times as many carbs.   So this week I’m keeping close track all week, and hopefully that will help the scale get moving down again.

I’m not particularly worried about the speed of my weight loss, by the way, nor do plateaus freak me out — I think they’re a normal part of the process & that sometimes we need to hang out at a certain weight in order to feel the motivation to go further.  I am also aware that my plateau has corresponded with my return to exercise (more than light walking) & know that can be having an impact on both my appetite and my weight.  Still, I can already see the benefits of counting & being real with myself.   I made several different choices yesterday based on this ‘back to basics & counting” approach and was STILL shocked by the numbers — so I assume this will help me get back to a losing mode.

Do you have a Plateau Action Plan?  What is your trigger to put it into effect?

Yesterday I went to see a counselor, one who speaks English & isn’t too far away. 

I don’t actually know if I need a counselor, but I don’t want to be completely isolated in dealing with this disease and it’s consequences, and I think it’s important to have someone to listen to me without having to worry about taking care of them emotionally at the same time (unlike discussions with friends, family, my husband). Finding someone who speaks English was a key factor, because while I am completely fluent in French, I don’t express myself the same way, and I’ve already seen that I am less real and raw when I talk in French (I saw a counselor in French last year after the ectopic pregnancy mess).

These past weeks I’ve been back in the gym, something that started actually before the cancer horror, probably because I’ve lost enough weight to be thinking about exercise again. I was freaked out by how out of shape I was, how high my heartrate was on the elliptical machine at low levels. One of the greatest things about starting exercise when we are really out of shape is to see how fast you can see real progress. Yesterday I did a really intense hour on the elliptical and was really please to be up several levels on the machine and with a heart rate that was pushing it but much improved in only a few sessions. I was also able to go a full 60 minutes which would have been near impossible a few weeks ago. It’s also a BIG OUTLET for the stress, no doubt about it.

So yesterday I arrived for my appointment curious as to whether I would think this counselor worth anything. I had gone to the gym in the morning, and gotten off the metro stop so full of energy that I took the stairs instead of the escalator, something I admit to not having done in almost a year.

As I arrived at the counselor’s buidling, she informed me on the intercom that the elevator was broken and that she was on the 10th floor. Great.

Here in France that means 10 full flights of stairs, not even just 9 that you’d have in the US where the ground floor counts as 1 — here ground floor is zero.

As I started up the flights I realized it wasn’t a bad analogy to what I’m going through. Trudging on to the next step on and on.

• It hurts (my thighs, the surgeries & procedures).
• It’s ugly (the stairway & the situation).
• It’s hard.
• It’s not fair.
• It’s a lot of work to get to a step that I don’t know how useful it will be (the first visit to this counselor, and each procedure and doctors visit I am making).
• I have to be strong.
• I have to keep going.
• I have to just accept it and get through it.

I weighed in for the week today because tomorrow I am on the road already.  Down one pound again for the week, bringing me to -15 now. 

Thank you for your comments.  I think I am going to keep this blog going, as the diet and exercise part of our daily lives, and I like it here.  I also have always put more than just a food diary into this blog, because the truth is we are all people with complex lives and plenty of other things going besides our weight.  It might the the common thread we have here on 3FC but our other common thread is that our weight is only a small aspect of ourselves.   

I thought this week things would start to be better, but I’m finding that I am beyond distracted by the cancer.

During the times when I am in a meeting for work I’m okay, but pretty much most of the other times I’m preoccupied, and my work inbox is the biggest mess you can imagine. It’s hard to pretend that the work stuff is even remotely important.

Reducing my stress seems like the most important thing I can do right now, especially as I face another few weeks of waiting until the diagnosis is staged and the treatment plan is finalized.   I’m reducing my travel, will probably head for only 2 days/1 night on the road, and I’m trying to make sure I get some exercise.  It makes me feel like I’m doing something positive for my body, and I do think it’s a good outlet for stress.

I’m also still watching my diet, which seems ridiculously superficial on one hand, and profoundly important on the other.  I know myself, and if I don’t watch my diet in times of stress, I will eat my way into another 2-3 sizes in no time flat.  In addition, I do believe a healthy diet is good for the body, and while I don’t expect a cure for this from my plate, I do think that everything in our bodies is impacted by what we eat, so making healthier choices seems like a smart choice, and one that reduces my stress.

I’m trying to figure out whether to leave this blog for a while and start one somewhere more focused on the cancer, since it’s not the weekly scale fluctuations that will make me cheerful or depressed right now, but I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready to move to a ‘cancer blog’ where it would seem that my whole life would be about this stupid disease.

I guess things can’t be so bad if I’m able to spend time worrying about this, right?

Thanks a ton for the outpouring of support, it really helps.

My world got flipped upside down on Monday.

I blogged about my weight, about being up a pound, about having followed carb-restriction for several weeks with mediocre results.

God, how I wish that was my concern a few hours later.

As those who’ve been following know, we’ve been trying to get pregnant for quite a while, and have been through the wringer - medical assistance, miscarriage, IVF that resulted in ectopic, failed frozen transfer.  We decided to go for the best for an IVF cycle with a clinic in the US that is supposed to be the best in the world because at age 40, it’s time, not money, that is the biggest enemy.  I haven’t blogged about it here much because other than some testing there hadn’t yet been much going on - but last Saturday I got the period that would start the cycle, and was on the road to go.

Monday (after my blog post) I went to see my local doctor, a reproductive gynecologist specialist, who had referred me to this US clinic and was doing the local prescribing and monitoring (of a treatment plan developed by the other center).  I was getting prescriptions for tests, for drugs, and getting the last of the paperwork that I needed copies of - a few test results that had come in late.

Only one came in both late and bad.  Very bad.  Cancer bad.

It’s been a hell of a week.  At first I was just concerned my schedule to do this IVF was getting screwed up - what an inconvenience!  Then it started to dawn on me that this might be the least of my worries.

I was on autopilot Monday, not really realizing the full implications until I’d already taken a plane to Munich, then spent most of the week pretending to work but completely preoccupied as I looked up all kinds of scary stuff on the internet and had many many calls to my doctor and a dear friend who is extremely well connected in the cancer circles here in Paris and was researching doctors for me (and turned up the same name as the person I’d been referred to).

Friday I came home and had an MRI which showed nothing (a good thing) and an appointment with a gyn-oncologist who was very reassuring.   Or as reassuring as can be in this type of situation.

Yesterday I told my family (many doctors, so lots of specific questions).

I am scheduled for a D&C for laparoscopy for checking for confirming diagnosis on June 16th.

My mind swims constantly with so much.  Guilt at being overweight, as obesity is the #1 risk factor for endometrial cancer.  Deep sorrow at the high likelihood I will never have a child.  Fear of what cancer means, getting sick, dying, suffering, being a burden.  Trying to be strong.  Trying to be positive.  Knowing it’s a good thing this was caught early (doctor believes based on the MRI that it is stage 0 or stage 1A).

Fear of the choices, if I am lucky enough to get to make them (if the diagnosis is low-grade tumor and stage 0 or 1A then I might be able to do hormone treatment for several months and then try IVF to gather eggs - although likely with a surrogate to carry the embryos).  But of course no guarantee of a baby and it increases risk, so not an easy choice to make.

I so wish I was worried about my carb intake and my weight right now.