Scary.

General 5 Comments »

So yesterday I went to see my doctor for the post-game wrapup session. The surgical report, see how everything is healing up. Oh yeah, find out about the pathology report which I’ve been trying so hard not to obsess about over the past 2 weeks post-surgery.

The healing is going well, especially when I don’t overdo it, and more and more even when I do.  I have almost no pain now and haven’t taken anything stronger than Tylenol for over a week, and nothing at all since Monday.  He said everything is healing well, all the inside stitches seem to be doing what they’re supposed to, and he gave me some treatment to stop the end of the discharge/bleeding that’s been continuing.  The treatment lasts one week, then I can take baths & go swimming.  (And make whoopee, although before we saw him my husband & I agreed to tack another week or two on to the healing time no matter what he said, because he never seems very conservative with healing).

Surgical report had nothing special in it, nothing he hadn’t told me when he came to discharge me from the hospital, so no surprises there.

Can you feel it building up?  Yeah, so could I.

The pathology report was in, and it wasn’t perfect.  I mean, it’s fine, I most likely don’t need any further treatment (to be confirmed today or Monday at the tumor board meeting held today).  But instead of a nice pre-cancer state of affairs (my pre-surgery diagnosis), they found cancer.  And not even the earliest stage of endometrial cancer, but a tumor that had started to invade the uterine wall.  Official stage is 1B in the old staging system (they just changed all the staging classifications in the last few months).

What does this mean?

  • Well, for one thing the decision to go ahead with the hysterectomy instead of pushing my luck with hormonal treatments was clearly a good one.  With a tumor already penetrating the uterine wall, I could have easily been one of the scary 5% who have their disease significantly advance despite hormone treatment.   The risks of the hormone treatment seemed out of hand already when I thought we were dealing with pre-cancer, but now I am very reassured we went the surgical route.
  • Maybe this explains why we had such a difficult time having a baby.  Sure, my age has a good amount to do with it too, but my hormone tests have been okay and we have had many shots at good embryos or good timing with IUI & maybe nothing could really stick around & grow because of so much abnormality in my uterus.  One thing for sure, the feeling I had in June that my embryos would have a better chance in someone else’s uterus (surrogacy, which we are pursuing) is clearer than ever for me.
  • Keeping my ovaries long term may not be a good idea.  In fact, I’m not so sure about keeping them shorter term either, and have been thinking a lot about this.  Since most of the time they remove them without discussion there is basically no data on what kind of risk I’m running.  I will, of course, have lots of follow up testing and monitoring to try to pick up anything amis, but I do wonder how effective that is.  I need to give it some more thought, but will likely go back to one of my second-opinion doctors from June and get another person’s thoughts on this.
  • Do I do another re-reading of the pathology?  What will it prove, what will it help? The decision to do or not do anything will probably be based on what the second opinion doc says.
  • I know I face years of worry - intense during the testing phases as they come up (more frequent in the first years, then decreasing, then much less frequent as time goes on).  That worry factor probably would have been there with another diagnosis, but is obviously increased now.
  • Good luck getting me off the carb-restriction thing.  I started the carb-restriction stuff just for weight loss several months before the diagnosis.  Then as I was researching what wellness changes to make I saw all kinds of stuff about how sugar feeds cancer.  I was already liking low carb because I felt so good, no hunger & it was working for my weight, but the sugar (and other carbs) feeding cancer thing sealed the deal for me.  Still does.

Otherwise, the pathology results of pre-cancer, stage 1A or stage 1B have the same further treatment recommendations : NONE.

So in some ways I’m worried about nothing.  On the other hand, I found out yesterday that there is a big difference emotionally between pre-cancer & cancer, even if the physical treatment side is the same.

I don’t know if my reaction is normal or not.  My husband seemed to think I was creating drama when we had “good news”, but since I had really focused on having either the surgical result be pre-cancer or stage 1A I admit I was really shocked & scared when my surgeon told me of 1B.  I do think it’s something I’ll need time to process.  Luckily I have a new counselor who I am really liking.

Cream of 3 mushrooms soup

General 8 Comments »

I’m back in the kitchen, although when my husband or mom notice they often come and shoo me out.  But I’ve made beef bourgignon (pretty much the Julia Child recipe) and a few other things in the past week.  We had mushrooms twice in the last few days, and both times I secreted a few out of the sautéeing pan & into a tupperware in the fridge with the idea of making soup.

Today as lunchtime rolled around I got started with the ends of bacon I hadn’t used, some leftover thyme sprigs (in a cheesecloth thing) an onion & clove of garlic, and the most ordinary of mushrooms in some beef stock.  I let it all cook for about 15 minutes, then hit it with my stick mixer (love that thing) then stirred in rather a lot of crème fraîche (maybe half a cup?) and the added in the 2 fancy kinds of mushrooms (which I left as slices).  I let the whole thing simmer another 10 minutes and then had the wherewithall to chop up a few sprigs of parsley so it was really pretty (I admit I rarely do this).

It was easy.  It was delicious.  I had two bowls.

I’m feeling a lot better.  I’m still trying to keep taking it easy, it’s still hard for me because most of the time I feel fine & it’s not until a few hours after overdoing it that it hits me.  Tomorrow I see the doc & hope to get authorization to swim & exercise a bit more than I’m doing now.  What I’m really hoping for is a clean pathology report, actually, but I’m trying not to think too much about it.

My mom left this morning.  She really got on my nerves last week for a few days, but then suddenly she didn’t, and I really enjoyed having her around for the last week.  I’ll miss her.

Getting back to normal

Exercise, General 10 Comments »

I’m on the road to recovery pretty solidly now.

After Tuesday’s debacle I’ve paid more attention to taking it easy, and my mom had a reminder from her sister (who nursed her after her hysterectomy 20+ yrs ago) of how hard the recovery was & suddenly my mom is insisting I sit down, etc.  The pain has significantly reduced & 22 hours a day I’m feeling good (the other 2 hours I’m behind on taking my Tylenol & waiting for it to kick in).

I see the doctor on Thursday & hope hope hope to get the all-clear from his exam and the pathology report.

In the meantime, I’m walking a bit (trying for around 30min/day) and don’t have a huge appetite (my mom thinks from the surgery, I think from the carb-restricted diet).  The end result?  Another 2 pounds gone this week!  That brings my total to 31, which is damn respectable.  I’m so glad to have gotten in control of my weight this year.  And beyond pleased to have found an approach that works so effortlessly for me.

Overdid it

General 8 Comments »

Well, as some of you cautioned, I have indeed overdone it.

My mom keeps insisting that we go out for a walk every day and I keep going no matter how I feel.  And she believes in making it longer and longer each day.  So yesterday was an hour and twenty minutes and after we got home I felt light headed for over an hour and then had terrible belly pains all evening (continuing today).

My husband (who has been telling me each day that I’m doing too much & that I need to rest) was really upset last night & told me that today I needed to listen to him, why was I listening to my mom?  Well, because she’s a doctor (retired, and with no knowledge of surgical recovery).  He said, no, she’s here to be a nurse to you, not a doctor.  Good point.

So here I am curled up on the couch with my swelly belly… but the idea of moving nauseates me, so it must be the right decision.

Thanks for your support

General 10 Comments »

I think all the collective good will (friends, family, all my eFriends like you all) really helped me. The surgery went well and it’s been an easier recovery than I had feared. They were able to do the hysterectomy via laparoscope, which means far less abdominal cutting, and I was up on my feet about 16 hours later. I did so well in my recovery they let me out a day or two early from what is typical at my hospital. The only pain meds I had since the night of surgery is Tylenol and sometimes I boost it with an anti-inflammatory. I’m walking daily - trying to go about 5 min longer each day but I overdid it on Sat so trying to be a bit calmer about it.

My weight is hardly been my preoccupation, but I did start on the carbs 2 days before surgery (bread, dessert) and then in the hospital of course you don’t control your diet. They had me on a glucose drip for surgery & 24 hours after and the first things I was able to eat were breads and sweetened things (yogurt, applesauce). But the day after getting home from the hospital I got back on track, and I saw the 6 pounds of bloat (from carbs & surgery) fall away over 3 days).

I haven’t had much appetitite - small amounts of food satisfy me, and ‘normal’ portions make me nauseous (probably effects from the anesthesia & the mucking around the surgeon did in the gut). It helps me to not overeat, however.

All told, surgery was easier than expected, recovery is easier than expected, & emotionally I’m doing better than I expected.

Thanks again for all of your support over the past 6 months.

Off to the hospital

General 14 Comments »

I am off to the hospital this evening, surgery first thing tomorrow.

I’m scared.

I’m sad.

Mostly I want to put this behind me & hear my doctor tell me that he got it all, there is no more treatment needed, and that everything looked really good - and then to go on to have a perfect recovery.

Thanks for all your well wishes - and if you can find it in your hearts to think of me one more time, the best would be tomorrow morning French time (so middle of the night or wee early morning in the US).

Weekend & last indulgences

General 17 Comments »

Well, this weekend I will try to take advantage of as much fun time as I can before going into the hospital on Monday evening.  Most everything i wanted to get done & wrapped up has been done (one more thing to do, might or might not get done).

This weekend should be fun - fancy restaurant w hubby tonight (just the 2 of us, thank goodness), Saturday : massage, mom arrives, opera & then out to dinner w friends.  Sunday : brunch at our house w the whole family (including my sister & her family who are still in Paris one more week, but mercifully left my house this morning), theatre in the evening.  Monday have a work thing that will keep my mind occupied & out of the worry cycle for a good chunk of the day before I come home to get ready for the hospital.  Surgery is first thing Tuesday morning.

I am surprised that I don’t have the desire to become a crazy carb-inhaling person these next few days, but I don’t.  I’ll probably slip a bit off the straight and narrow tonight at dinner, but otherwise should be fine.

I feel ready and okay for this.  It feels like it’s going to be fine, I’m going to come out of the surgery cancer free and in good shape.

Let’s all keep our fingers crossed that this feeling becomes my reality!

———–

I think I had mentioned on this blog that I’ve spent a good amount of time these past few months working on a bathroom art project (it’s a very small, cramped powder room).  I finally finished it last night - here are some pics :

Photobucket

Detail of the circles (cut out of magazines while I recovered from the first surgery in June) :
Photobucket

In good hands

General 4 Comments »

This week I’ve been able to realize how much I trust my surgeon, and to really appreciate living in a country where I have great healthcare and don’t need to worry about my insurance company in any way, shape or form.  I recently read a book by TR Reid called The Healing of America which goes through the healthcare systems in various countries (including France) and tries to show how the US system could be reformed to incorporate some good ideas that have worked elsewhere.  Interesting book - if healthcare reform interests you, I recommend it.

What I have in France is the same comprehensive healthcare as every other resident.  I also have a supplemental policy that reimburses some of the copays and covers things like a private room in the hospital (instead of sharing w one other person).  I think I’ll end up paying about 30$ out of pocket for my week in the hospital next week - and yes, I’ll probably be in the hospital for about 5 nights after a laparoscopic hysterectomy (I think in the US it’s one or two nights). 

Today I saw my primary care doc who spent a good deal of time with me & gave me a flu shot, total cost 30€ and I’ll be reimbursed for all of it. 

I also went to a new psychiatrist (recommended by my PCP) because I’ve been not thrilled with the woman I’ve been seeing.  This guy charged me 41€ and again, it will be reimbursed by insurance.  I think I might have 1€ out of pocket to pay.  Maybe.

More than the affordability, is the confidence I have in these doctors, and the peace of mind from knowing my claims wont be denied, and I wont have to worry about being cancelled or having a hard time getting insurance in the future.  My heart goes out to people in the US not getting care that they need or having to worry about their insurance and bills at the same time they face the stress of disease.

I have let go of a lot of the worry about the details and now am just trusting in my doctor that the surgery will go well & that I will get a clean bill of health & easy recovery.

Meanwhile, I continue to see signs of weight loss.  I bought a pair of dark green cords in mid August when I was in the States.  I was happy because they were a regular (not Women’s) size 16.  They were a tad tight - I knew that to look good I needed to drop about 5 pounds.  Today these same pants are bagging in the butt and upper thighs.  It’s exciting to see progress that is tangible like that.  My husband says I’ve lost proportionally all over, but of course it feels like my belly is not shrinking and the boobs & butt are what I’m losing.   Regardless, I am making progress & I’m happy about it. 

Gorgeous Blogger Award

General 3 Comments »

I was hit in this round of meme going around the 3FC blogs last week by gonnabe and fatpants (thanks) and since these days I have enough freaky stuff going on I don’t want to risk bad karma by ditching this, so I’m playing along.

Rules:

-Include the award on your blog or post
-Share with everyone six interesting facts about yourself
-Nominate as many bloggers as you like
-Be sure to link the nominees within your post
-Let them know that they received this award through their tagboards or private message them
-Share the love and link this post so that everyone will know the person whom you received your award from.

Six interesting facts about me:

1. I feel so blessed to have met my husband.  He is kind, intelligent, generous, funny, and so cute.  He was worth the wait.

2. I used to love earrings but about 8 years ago I suddenly became allergic to all earrings, even those of 18k gold, so now I only wear them for a few hours on special occasions.

3. I really hate people who judge others.  I don’t know why anyone could think that their own beliefs and choices are the right ones for anyone but themselves.

4. I don’t understand why people would want to be famous.  Rich, yes, but famous I just don’t get.

5. My mom made me take typing my first year of high school as an elective, and as a result I am a touch typist (using all fingers without looking at the keys).  When I moved to France I discovered to my horror that a French keyboard is about 20% different than an American QWERTY one, but I am now a touch typist on both systems - takes me a minute or two to adjust back and forth.

6. I am a bad aunt.  I forget birthdays and don’t send cards or gifts.  I keep meaning to improve on this but I still haven’t done it.  It would probably save me a lot of mental anguish if I just set up an automated system instead of constantly worrying about it.

I’ve nominated:

Shari & Suzeeeq

Six Months of Carbohydrate Restriction

General 9 Comments »

It still surprises me that the way I’m losing weight actually works.  I mean, seriously, I have real cream in my tea or coffee in the mornings.  I eat cheese regularly.  I make vegetable dips full of fatty ingredients. I douse my salads with olive oil.  I eat meat, lots of it, and don’t skip the sauces.  My dessert is usually a few tablespoons of the fattiest dairy product on the market - mascarpone cheese (which is basically pure butterfat), with some vanilla or cocoa powder added in.  Does this sound like a diet?

Well, the list of what I don’t eat is long too.  Bread, pasta, rice, potatoes of course.  And desserts and candy and sugar and even artifical sweetener are all gone.  But so is most fruit, and for the first time in my life, I don’t treat vegetables like a free-for-all.  I eat plenty of veggies, but keep an eye on the portions of them, which was a big change for me.

What’s strange is that I ended up here.  For years I’ve been a member of a forum all about healthy weight loss (see link under ‘cool sites’).  I have probably read 50 nutrition books in the past decade.  And multiple scholarly articles, and many, many discussions with physicians and dieticans.  I moved to a mainly whole-foods diet about 8 years ago, and organics started coming in around that time too.  I have always been adamantly anti-fad diets.  So how do I find myself on carb restriction?  Doing pseudo-Atkins?

I’ve been doing the carbohydrate-restriction thing for just over 6 months.  The exact 6 month mark fell in the middle of the IVF so the time wasn’t right to talk about it.  I’ve lost pretty consistently one pound a week over those 6 months.  I’m currently down 27 pounds, and that time period includes a 3 week vacation, another trip home, IVF, and a freakin’ cancer diagnosis.  I have never had such a stressful period in my life, but instead of abandoning my diet or trying to soothe myself with celery sticks, I’ve soothed myself with fat.  Which actually works to soothe, unlike celery.

I am not a big fan of people being dogmatic about their diets, nor prostelitizing their choice as the only or best approach.  Nevertheless, I’m going to share how I came to try carb restriction, since I really felt it was a stupid fad diet and I’ve been really surprised by my success.  I don’t believe it’s the only thing that works by the way.  I think ANY diet can work for most people, and I think the single most important thing in a diet is your own motivation, which can come from anything internal or external, or from a belief in someone’s prescribed diet plan.  For me, motivation comes from believing I can happily and easily live with my diet long term (like, forever, give or take a few days of holidays, special events & vacations).

I lost 75+ pounds on a calorie-counting approach that was basically whole foods and low fat.  I kept my calories around 1500 and my exercise sky-high (6 hours a week) and my attention highly focused (calorie counting daily, almost-daily treks to the gym).  Most of that weight I kept off for years until The Decline 2 years ago. Each time I would try again to lose weight, I would find that what worked for me before wasn’t working with my wonderful new Parisian life (with tons of temptations & a foodie husband & French gym hours).  It had worked before, but it didn’t work now.   In addition, it was just stressing me out.

My mom (who has been eating low fat, low cal for ALL of her life) had read some excellent reviews of a book about weight and gave me the book for the holidays 2 years ago.  It sat on my to-read pile untouched for a really long time.  This Spring I was reading a ton because I was traveling, so I decided to take it on a trip.  I’d been thinking again about getting serious about my weight, and in fact I joined Weight Watchers online 3 weeks before I read this book.  I was learning about points and playing with their system while reading a book that blew everything I knew out of the water.

The book is called “Good Calories, Bad Calories” by Gary Taubes, a seasoned science reporter, who first wrote an article in the New York Times “What if it’s all been a big fat lie” which is part of the story he tells in his book.  Basically the article (and book) explain how absolutely horrible the science behind the low-fat recommendations are, and how there was a lot of political pressure to come up with recommendations and very little proof.  It’s eye opening, and surprising.

What the book goes on to detail is that in parallel to the increase in fat consumption that happened as the recommendations came into existence, there were huge increases in carbohydrate consumption — in particular sugar and refined carbs.  So conclusions that were drawn on the effects of fat on the body and health were mixed up with what could have been caused by all the increased carbs.  Where was the villain?

Sounds like a lot of scientific debate and complexity, and it is.  The book is not for the faint of heart - it’s long, dense & scientific.  It’s not a simplified diet bestseller by any means.  I’m fortunate to be from a world where reading scientific papers is a regular occurence, and I am well-versed in nutritional science, so the book was manageable for me, but certainly not an easy read.

What surprised me was my emotional reaction to a few chapters on obesity.  Why we get obese, why we stay there.  Why it’s so hard to lose.  There were sentances that had me in tears, they hit so close to home.  I was a fat kid who became a fat teenager who became a fat woman.  I often ate LESS than my siblings, LESS than my friends, and yet I was still fat.   With extreme effort on both the exercise and diet fronts together I was able to lose weight, but it was a slow process and needed extreme vigilance and dedication.

Those articles about “change from regular soda to diet and lose 25 pounds” never did anything for me.  My weight was very stable at high weights pretty much regardless of what I did unless I went on a full-court press to lose weight by hours in the gym and really strict control of calories.  And constant hunger.  I lost weight successfully by controlling and surpressing the urge to eat.  But it was always there.  I regained when I took my focus off that self-denial, even for a second.  I struggled with maintenance, because self-denial was feasible when the scale showed nice losses, but excrutiating when it stayed the same.  Taubes book explained some of the obesity research behind such things, and explained that in an obese person, these are NORMAL.  I cried with relief.  I’m not weak, I’m not a failure.

My metatobism is extremely efficient at getting the most out of every morsel of food you put into it.  I can turn calories into fat faster than most other people.  Basically, my genetics (on both sides of the family) have been selected to survive harsh Russian winters as a poor peasant, capable of surviving for months on sawdust and the stores of my fat. …not so useful today.

The author, Gary Taubes, puts forth what he calls ‘the alternative hypothesis’ which basically says, ‘if they’re wrong about fat being the enemy, than maybe it’s carbs’.  It’s hard to read the book and not think he might be right.  There are not enough scientific studies that have been done that could say that he IS right.  But he might be.  So if he was right, what would that mean?  Severe carbohydrate restriction.  Changing your body chemistry so that you eat so few carbohydrates that your body is forced to dig into your stored fat to find fuel.  It’s as simple (and hard) as that.  It’s not magic, not a bestselling-fad-diet.  It’s chemistry.  Your body needs to find certain fuels to run itself.  You either eat them, or it goes searching for them.  That’s why carb-restricted diets are really strict, especially in the early phases — it’s not easy to get your body to switch over, and it will resist with cravings and feeling lousy for a while.

I found the biochemical story of why it could work pretty compelling.  I knew the struggle I’d had for years and years of real, serious effort with low fat and calorie counting.  Carbohydrate restriction does require self control with carbohydrates, but allows for indulgences in a few other areas (mainly fat, but also a good amount of protein).  Reading the book I decided to try it.  I decided to give it a real effort for 3 weeks and then re-evaluate.  Why 3?  Because that’s how long I’d been on WW already, and I figured if I hated it I could still make myself stick to it for 3 weeks.

The hardest part was figuring out what I could eat, and what I could find available to me (I was traveling a lot).  I didn’t follow anyone’s book exactly, although I read Atkins and several other books so I knew the basics of everyone’s plans.  The first few weeks I ate strawberries and nuts (not offically allowed on Atkins until several weeks had passed).  It didn’t matter.  Within days, I was feeling great.

The biggest single change I noticed early on (and that continues to this day) is that I no longer felt terribly hungry.  Hunger has been my constant companion all my life and it was weird for that to go away.  But so freeing!  It wasn’t just that on a low-carb plan you can eat as much as you want (I suspect that’s not really true, that there is a calorie limit beyond which you won’t lose weight).  But biochemically, as your body burns body fat, you feel less hungry.

At first the scale had a big drop (which is normal for low carb diets - carbs make you keep water.  As you start the diet you drop a lot of weight because of this — and each time you cheat you gain a lot back for the same reason).  I had a few weeks of plateau after that, but was so happy with how I was feeling that I kept at it.  Other than figuring out what foods were ’safe’ on the road, I wasn’t thinking about food all the time.  I turned down snacks and chocolate at work without a second glance.  I was impressed, and so I’ve kept on.

I’ve kept learning about carbohydrate restriction and the theories behind why it works, but the bottom line is that for me it really is working, and that it seems to be the low-stress weight loss approach I’d been dreaming about for years.


WordPress Theme & Icons by N.Design Studio
Entries RSS Comments RSS Log in