Coming Clean

August 6th, 2009

I weighed 250 on July 13th and for the last three and half weeks I’ve been ranging between 250 and 247. Three freaking weeks of this yo-yo crap!! I’m sick of it and I have no one to blame but myself. This last Tuesday at TOPS I even managed to gain a pound thanks to two days of eating way out of my calorie allotment and ovulating. I weighed 251.3 and I wanted to punch myself in the face.

 

However, I know that self-loathing is nothing but a trap that will continue to spire me out of control. That can’t happen…I won’t let it happen. I had a good talking to myself, and then a heart-to-heart with Joe where I told him that I have to change what I’m doing.

 

It keeps coming back to the same old excuses where I feel that I can’t be deprived from the precious whatever I currently want to shove in my mouth. In spite of my deep desire to get this weight off, and my promise to Joe and myself that I will get this weight off I still keep allowing food to dictate to me my behavior. So not acceptable.

 

This requires action and a new dedication to my goals. Good grief it’s only food!! What is the huge issue?? It’s not like I can’t ever have a piece of cheesecake the rest of my life. It means I can’t have a piece of cheesecake while I’m working my butt off to lose my weight. Why can’t I get that simple concept through my thick skull?

 

So, a new beginning has been declared. I’m on a challenge this week to keep my calories at 1500 or under no matter what. I plan to stick to this challenge every week until goal is met. There will come times when I have to eat out, but I can plan for it and not get myself in a snit because I can’t eat 1000 calories at some restaurant that doesn’t even cook as well as I do. I will continue my exercising and to push myself as my body allows. I will also continue to journal and stay mindful of my emotions so that my emotions cannot control me. I’ve said it before but I will say it to myself one more time…..GET THE WEIGHT OFF!!!!!             

 

I have things to do with my life. I’m about to start Starbucks in the next two weeks and I am so pissed that I will be the fattest girl there. I can’t stay the fattest girl if I plan to impress people and move up the ladder to get my own store in the couple of years. I’m 43 years old and having excess weight attached to me is not going to help me in the slightest and will probably keep me from fulfilling my goals. Unacceptable!!

 

I want to marry Joe. I want that more than anything in the whole world, and it will not happen as long as I can’t get my weight under control so that I’m fit and healthy. This is a promise I made him over 4 years ago and he is still waiting for me to do what I said I would do. Actions mean everything to him and I have failed shamelessly. By the grace of God, he still loves and believes in me. How can any kind of food ever compete with that? Yet, I allow it to. Unacceptable!!

 

I know I’ve been harsh with myself. Tough! I deserve it. It is only through getting mad and determine that I will be able to get a hold of myself and do what I know needs to be done. I read the success stories on 3FC everyday. I see the women losing weight and the joy that it brings them. I want that to be me!!

 

IT WILL BE ME!!

One Response to “Coming Clean”

  1. sunnydaze Says:

    It will be you!

    I had a hellova hard time getting going when I started too. I was on and off the wagon for over a year and felt deprived all of the time. I just stayed with it and eventually I started feeling better when I ate right and exercised. And I found out that when I ate junk and didn’t exercise I felt like crap. When I started seeing progress it gave me more motivation to keep going. I started at 239 and now I’m at 198. I feel wonderful and proud of myself. If I can do this - SO CAN YOU! We’re in this together! :D

    Don’t let the fat win! Best of luck to you.
    *hugs*

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