A fat girl’s quest to freedom

I won…and other new motivations

So…I did it! I finish Jillian Michaels yesterday and I felt great. I was sore, exhausted and..sore but I was SO proud of myself. A couple of months ago I attempted it and quit after 3 minutes. After a quick shower I went to bed. Now…..new motivations. Today my friend called me to go out shopping with her so we headed out to Nordstroms’ Rack. While I’m keeping her company as she looks around(I haven’t shopped in a regular store in years because the clothes they carry in my size are unappealing to me) I spot this cute shirt and DAMN!, wouldn’t you know it, it’s too small. Just as I’m getting ready to put it back and walk away, it hits me, This shirt is my goal size. If I stay on track, I will fit into that shirt. Well…that got me thinking about what else they had in my goal size. As I looked around and checked out what they had I was putting together these cute outfits in my head and I really got into it. I realizedthis is my future if I keep going…shopping at regular stores. Going into Nordstroms’ or Marshalls and actually shopping for myself…finding jewelry and accessories that will fit my fingers and wrists! I looked around and my friend was done and waiting for me. That was another surprise because usually I’m the one standing around, looking and feeling out of place, wishing my friends were done. I was the one that was silently praying that it would be over soon because I was tired and these stores didn’t have a place to sit. Now I am the one that is shopping around and I’ve lost sight of my friends. Tired?? Who’s tired? I wanted to shop more! I’m actually picking out styles and colors that I felt would cause too much attention to me before now seem to look really cute on me. As a sat there admiring this stunning dress, I realized how much I have been missing out. I used to love,love,love shopping and finding that perfect dress and the accessorizing. Ooohhhh dresses…it’s been so long since I’ve even looked at a dress….wow..the last few years as I gained weight I never realized what I lost. It’s like every pound that I put on my body pushed the simple things, like shopping for fun, right out of my life. Well today I found out that there’s a little fashionista inside me dying to get out…and I intend on freeing her..for good. :-)

My love/hate relationship with Jillian

Ok…the first time I did 30DS, I was positive and ready to go. I had no problems with my second and third time either…but today…I feel like she’s torturing me. I don’t know why I’m having so much trouble working through this today. What I’m feeling as I trudge through this is frustration, emotional anguish and anger. I DON’T need her to tell me that I can do it if I just push through it! I’m tired and my knees are making odd noises! I don’t CARE that she’s had 400lb people doing jumping jacks, I’m worried about me and quite honestly the jarring that I feel in my body as a land is NOT pleasant! But no matter how much I hate her right now, I won’t let her break me. I don’t care if it takes me all day to get through it, I will finish it.  Ok! I’m done ranting…for now. Back to 30DS >:(

New motivation

It’s been a couple of days since I blogged. I’m doing good, still on track but I started to feel a little shaky in my commitment. Someone in my house received a catalog from Chadwick’s (a thin person’s clothing store) and I love the clothes in Chadwick’s, they’re fun, colorful and stylish but I always ended up putting the catalog down because I thought, “Hell, I’ll never wear anything in it anyway!” But as I was looking through it this morning, it occurred to me that if I stick with this and achieve my goal, not only could I fit into these clothes I could keep buying all the new stuff as long as I stay committed. It’s been so long since I’ve been able to wear the new fashions. So…I picked out my favorite outfits and clothing items in the catalog and loaded them in my computer. One outfit will be my screensaver and the others I will tape on my closet, refrigerator and bathroom mirror(where the scale is) ;-), to keep me going and remind me what’s waiting for me at the end of the rainbow, so to speak. I’m off to do 30 DS. Have a nice day! :-D 

7 days…

Good morning! So today marks the official end of the first week of my quest….and I can’t believe I made it. I’m officially down 8lbs! I had many struggles this first week, some were expected and some were surprising. The emotional triggers, fear, self doubt, stress, anxiety all happened this week…and I found that I was able to stop most of my emotional eating. However I realized that self-doubt is the one I have the most trouble with..and I ate more carbs than I should yesterday. Fortunately I filled my kitchen with healthy carb choices so it only added 1lb. But I now have to focus on controlling my self-doubt and not let it control me. My focus this week is to NOT cave in to my self-doubt and find an alternative to healthier response to those feelings. Wish me luck!

Still going strong…

So…since the last time I posted there have been changes. First a confession: I stepped on the scale this morning ( my weigh-in date is Mondays) …..I have lost 9lbs so far! After the last two days, I ‘m really happy that I’ve lost weight. Don’t worry, I’ve been mostly on-plan, I just have been falling short in the calorie department. You would think after years of eating unhealthy and packing on the pounds, not only would I easily meet 1800 calories a day, but it would be hard for me to keep myself at that calorie amount per day. But I’ve found, in my case anyway, that when I’m eating healthy, I get full faster and stay that way longer. I read somewhere that when you’re hungry, your body is craving protein, nutrients and carbs. But when you’re eating fast foods and food high in fat content, you’re not getting all the nutrients you need and the carbs and fat you consume slows up your metabolism. Even after you’re full, your body is still craving for those nutrients and proteins that you missed and it seems like hunger. Well, I believe that. Because I’m more satisfied when I’m eating healthy than I was when I was eating unhealthy. I used to go to Panda Express often, but I was always hungry 45 to 90 minutes later. So I would eat a bag of chips or make a grilled cheese sandwich…see where I’m going with this. This was my eating habits for the last decade and I thank God that I don’t have any health issues. Hopefully I’ve gotten on the right track in time to not only prevent future ailments but maybe also to help correct those that can only be fixed by losing weight. I’ve also noticed that I feel more positive no that I’m eating healthy. I’ve always been the nice, positvie girl, but more times than not, it was an act. But now, it all feels different, like I was living under a veil and I couldn’t see clearly. Well, I’m off to the farmers market for my produce and fruit. I’ll post later.

Workouts and critical thinking.

Hello all! Well I’ve had a busy day…but first things first: Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. This workout is killer, no I don’t think you understand, KILLER! I managed to complete my first workout (barely) before falling out. When I came back to my senses, however, I felt good. I had another “moment”, but this lasted longer than the first one. I think that as I get more healthy and fit, those “moments” will last longer and become the norm-which means I’m on the right track.

Now for the rest of my day. As I continue my journey to freedom, I’m noticing behavior that has put me in this position. Today I went to IKEA and I noticed on the way all the fast food places. We decided to eat at IKEA and here I was; hungry and at a location that has a majority of “bad” choices and very few good ones. I’m happy to report that I made good choices-Greek salad(I picked out most of the cheese) and used a teaspoon of dressing and two meatballs. I knew the meat balls aren’t healthy food, however faced with the fried chicken and ribs dripping in sauce,it’ll have to do as protein. I had a glass of unsweetend iced tea to drink. After we ate, we walked around IKEA for an hour. After we left IKEA, we drove past those same fast food places and there was a huge part of me that wanted to stop at one of them, not because I was hungry, because it’s what I know. As I sat in the car, I began wondering why? I know that I’m an emotional eater, but what emotion was I feeling. You have to understand, I’ve never questioned my urges for unhealty food, I just gave in. But now I’m at a point where I’m committed to this, I WILL NOT live the rest of my life like this. So, why do I feel the urge to stop at Mcdonalds when I’m full. Well I know if I eat it, I will consider the whole day ruined in regards to my plan. I also know myself enough to know that if I go off plan one day, I’ll be even more tempted to do the same the next day. So…what’s my issue? I realized that I’m considering sabotaging myself but I don’t know why? I ask myself, What are you scared of? I realize the answer is failing. I have this set weight goal in my head and I feel like not reaching it is failure. I know…if I sabotage myself, I’m failing but in my mind there’s a difference. If I make the decision to sabotage myself, I’m not failing I’m changing my mind and I can always change it back. However, if I really work at it and still don’t reach my weight goal, well that idea is unbearable to me. The idea of trying and failing has never sat well with me, but I also realized how skewed that thinking is. Who says I’m supposed to weigh 135lbs. At my smallest 140, I was in a size 5 and I looked sick. My mom is a size 7, but weighs 165. I realize that I need readjust my goals and stopped focusing on the numbers. Second hurdle-passed and moving towards the next. Goodnight.

 

Ughhhh….well, time to move on.

Good Morning! I have a full day today but I couldn’t leave until I blogged :-p. Even though I didn’t technically eat the popcorn, I have to wonder about the effects it had on me. Yesterday I woke full of energy and positive, but today I was sluggish and I laid in bed for 2 hours before I finally made myself get up. Curious….I went to bed in a good mood and I didn’t have bad dreams. I wonder if it is guilt for not realizing what I was doing before I put the popcorn in my mouth. Well, I’ll have to ponder it while I exercise…it’s is my first day of 30 day shred. If I survive, I’ll be back to report.

Finished strong…somewhat

Ok…I had my first large hurdle today. So I decided to watch Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in preparation for the new movie coming out. So there I am sitting in front of the TV with a huge bowl of Movie theater buttered popcorn. I popped a handful of popcorn in my mouth and…freeze! I realize as the flavor of the popcorn hits my tongue that A) I’m not supposed to be eating this and B) it should have been thrown out with the rest of the junk food. So I spit it all out, no chewing(sorry, I know…gross) and I throw it all in the garbage along with the remaining bags. But I’m perplexed….I went through the entire process of making the popcorn, setting up my drink (Crystal Light) and watched like five minutes of the movie before I got a clue! Hmmmm….well what lessons have I learned today: 1) I need to go and buy healthy snacks for movie nights so I don’t make the same mistake; 2) I need to really think about what I’m eating when it’s snack time. Thankfully I caught my mistake before I actually ate that handful and I had a fruit salad instead.  Today was my first big hurdle and I feel like I made it over…with a slight stumble. My next hurdle I plan to sail over. Goodnight  ;-)

Update!!!!!

Ok….I know I shouldn’t have, but I wanted to see if there was any change in weight from yesterday….and I was down 3lbs! I’m excited but I have to remember to keep it moving and stay positive and NOT get complacent. Okay…the scale is away until next Monday.(No more peeking, I promise);-)

Starting today on a high note

Well…I made it through the first day sucessfully! I tried something new last night and I was more than a little worried that I would not make it. I made a promise to myself not eat anything after 7pm..and I made it. I stay up late often and I get the munchies usually around 10pm but I think the choices I made in regards to the amount of carbs,protein and veggies for each meal, is what curbed the late night munchies that I usually get. I went to the doctor a year ago to get a checkup and my Dr. told me that she was worried. Although I have been big for over a decade, I’ve always been healthy, strange huh? Well this time, not so much. According to my lab results, I was malnutritioned. I looked at the doctor and laughed. I mean, come on! According to the BMI, I’m morbidly obese…how the hell can I be malnutritioned??!!! She said that I was not getting enough protein in my diet and that I needed to get that under control. Although I’ve been a big girl most of my life, I have never been scared about my health until that moment. I felt like, here I am eating smaller portions, exercising, and let’s face it, I was 60lbs lighter than when she met me a year before, and now, NOW, I have health issues. I came home and started researching about food intake and calories. Someone mentioned the dailyplate. So I logged on and joined but I half-a**ed it for a year. Yesterday, I really used it and followed it and…..Voila…it works. I was able to see as the day progessed how much protein I needed for the next meal, if I needed skip the carbs for my snack and how much sodium I was taking in. I can’t believe how idiotic I’ve been for the past year. Well…no more! Now that I’ve vented/celebrated yesterday, I need to get my breakfast in today. See ya later.