8thApril

untitled

Oh spammers how you show so much love to my blog! I haven’t posted in a while I’m pretty sure the last post I was down to 153, well I’m back up again to 156. I’m not going to lie I’m pretty disappointed in myself. I had this test this week 360 questions actually it was only 330 but still that’s beside the point I completely bombed it (I get to write it a second time if I failed so I’m going to start studying again each section 1 by 1 each day since I now pretty much know what the test consists off and hopefully the second time around I can get that 80% that is needed) and maybe I was stressing too much about it and binged not to mention TOM was coming and I always binge like crazy around that time once it hits I’m usually good and the cravings and binging but last week was crazy. I went up to 160 pounds on Monday which was ridiculous! I’m back down to 156 which I’m not really happy about but it’s better than 160!  

So things seem to be going better with Boy ever since I backed off last night he deleted his online dating profile sites and I didn’t even ask him to, he just did it. I now ignore his comments when he brings up the word girlfriend. For example when he said “In 9 months when you’re my girlfriend we can move in together.” and shit like that obviously he likes me, obviously he wants to keep me around for some time because when he’s shopping for trailers and tents he’ll ask me if I will sleep in them. I’ve become pretty mentally distance with him after he said to me if I keep bringing up the girlfriend thing it’s not going to happen and I just went into I don’t care mode afterwards and become less available in a mental aspect and ever since then he seriously stepped up his game.

The other day he made dinner, chicken, shrimp, with raw peas and tomatoes alongside potatoes and bought raspberries and black berries with real fudge for dessert. I’m happy, he seems happy and the weather is finally picking up so we can go out and do more things and I won’t always be freezing.

The good thing that came out of this was my Ex will now stop contacting me because he thinks I’m with someone. The bad thing is I just wasted a friggen month with a guy who has commitment issues when I could have been out there dating other people and having more fun. Back to the drawing board it is.

29thMarch

Breathe and reboot

So I’m stressing and I don’t even know why I have been stressing over some guy. Seriously what is wrong with my head am I really not capable with letting things go with the flow? I guess not since all my relationships consist on being in one like after a week of hanging out. Maybe I fear I’m wasting my time when I could be out there dating a bunch of other people (not that I ever go out on a bunch of dates since I’m pretty much anti social but you know what I mean.) who are potential losers since I have horrible pickens when it comes to men.  

I have now calmed down and every time he mentions girlfriend or anything about commitment I’m just going to shrug it off, because it always turns back around on me like I’m the one who brought it up when I didn’t. Obviously I stand somewhere with him since he does sort of bring up a future with us, and when were in the middle of sleeping he’ll snuggle me and he comes over and we hang out and just have a good time. So every time he brings up anything along the lines of BS I’m just going to breathe and reboot and shrug it off. Hell if today he ends it so be it, tomorrow is always a new day. If we don’t last until the end of the week I know in the end it really wasn’t me to begin with.

I got to get out of the track mind of everything should move fast just because it’s what has happened with every boyfriend I have been with.  So today is a brand new fresh start, and every time he mentions another girl I’m just going to tell him to shut up and do as he please without giving me every detail. Like seriously did he have to tell me that if by the time he was 35 and not married he was going to marry this really pretty chick? Seriously he even showed me pictures and I was like really?! Do you really think I need to friggen know that?!

So here’s what I’m going to do, every time HE brings up girlfriend or relationship thing I’m just going to shrug it off and nod my head and not get into it and continue on doing whatever it is I’m doing at the time and as for when he talks about other woman. I’m just going to say do as you please but reframe from giving me all the details please and thank you; I don’t need to hear them. And move on to the next conversation.

I think this weekend is going to be a game weekend. I’m going to get Dead Risen 2 and kill some zombies. Oh baby! By the way I’m still at 153 which I’m happy about.

28thMarch

153

Yes that is what the scale said to me today! I’m happy two pounds down from last week. Once April hits I’ll start working out again since I’ve hardly done it at all this month, but that hasn’t had me go up in weight only down so far. I’m now closer to the last 10 pounds then I was last week!

I’m down to 155! This was my goal weight for the end of feb and never made it to that. But here I am now as I stepped on the scale this morning I was excited and happy. I haven’t even really worked out this month. Maybe like 4 times! I’m down to my final 15 pounds to lose! The pounds are getting closer. Lets hope I can get to 150 by the end of April!

24thMarch

Shocked

How much shall I bet that what I just said to you is running through your head a million thoughts per minute. I have the control now.

 

I’m down to 156 yep! I haven’t worked out all month but I’ve been watching what I eat. I don’t count calories because it puts too much effort into caring too much and when I do I never drop weight so I’m back to the carefree me.  Where I eat healthy and the odd time pick a day to eat unhealthy and healthy at the same time. I eat smaller portions and probably not as often as I should be eating but still. I think starting April 1st I’m going to get back into the gym sometime we just need a break. I know I do!

So my ex emailed me last Friday it was kind of humorous apparently he’s living a hotel because he needs to be alone…haha so I wrote back saying okay what I don’t get the point of that but whatever. And of course he wrote back saying oh the old you sounds like she’s back.  (You know the angry one from when he emails me setting me off and I rip him a new assholes haha) I just wrote back lol seriously it was funny. He’s so retarded and trying to get me to completely blow up on him like I used to so he can think he still has power over me. I don’t know why I just don’t delete the email I think I enjoy the drama or the fact that he STILL emails me as if I’m suppose to care what goes on in his daily life and the fact that he’s not over me makes me happy. He wrote back saying lol I’m mean and I just sent a smile face to him and that was the end of it. This isn’t because I want to get back together with him or ever be with him It’s more along the fact because I WAS the best thing that has happened to him and he had the best days of his life when he was with me. Hey it’s not my fault he can’t let go of his past, I’ve been doing pretty damn good I think!

I applied at a pet store last night and I really hope they call me in for an interview since I’m open for all afternoon shifts and weekend ones. If they don’t call me by tomorrow evening I’m going to call them Friday and find out what’s going on. I really want it. I want a second part time job but I want to do like 30 hours a week on top of my 40 hours I already put in. If I do I can have majority of my debt paid off by Aug and the rest I can get a consumer proposal because I won’t have any more co-signed stuff.  Yes I know that’s a lot of hours to work but in reality people do it all the time! I’m actually a very lazy person so I figure this will help me become motivated, and I can probably meet more people around my age instead of having to go on a dumb dating site. Besides I don’t want to deal with this unnecessary debt just because I was dumb in my last relationship and did this to myself doesn’t mean I have to go into a new relationship and have them deal with my irresponsible money mess.

22ndMarch

Down .5

So I haven’t written in a while and my weight is down .5 so now I’m at 156.5 but this is after stepping on the scale at night which we all know were all usually heavier at that time with all the food in our system. I feel like though so I think I’ll probably be the same weight in the morning as I am at night so I just don’t care to step on the scale in the morning. I’m not even really sad that my weight progress is going slowly because I honestly think I look good. Sure it’s not me looking amazing but I will eventually get there I’m really not stressing as long as I stay the hell out of the 160’s which I’ve been doing lovely for this month!

Last week: I got a UTI which sucked and hurt a lot. I came to work on Thursday and went to see the doctor I was so uncomfortable and in pain that my boss told me to take the Friday off which was good. I relaxed and pretty much slept from Thursday night and all day Friday except for the time I was up making the amazing chili. I have to say for a first time making it, it was so good! I was pretty impressed with myself.

The boy and I are doing good, we were pretty much together all weekend and he was over yesterday which I think was the night we were pushing each other’s buttons for the hell of it which came into play fighting. He thought I was being weird yesterday because I was asking questions which I apparently don’t normally do but I find I’m becoming more comfortable so my odd personality is coming out more but its weirding him out! So I was like frig it, I’ll just go back into my other personality of being quiet and closed off, so while he played his little game on the couch I continued to clean up the kitchen and do my laundry once I was done I grabbed my phone and sat down on my bed and turned on the TV and watched it giving the two of us space which I think we kind of needed.

I had a bunch more stuff I had wrote, but I think I just needed to vent by writing it and not sharing. Happy Tuesday People.  

16thMarch

157 solid!

So I was finally able to move my ticker! (and for some reason I can’t get it to show up on here haha so whatever) I figured since I’ve been pretty much at 157 for the last week and a half I’m safe!

I’ve been at a nice solid 157 this week and all last week which I’m happy about, of course my goal is 140 but it seems to be taking a little longer then I wanted for me to get to there. I’ve been avoiding the gym due to lack of payment which I was finally able to pay today. Now I’m freaking out because I hardly have any money left over and normally I wouldn’t care if I wasn’t dating someone…I’m definitely trying to hid my financial situation from him…But think things are going well, he and I hung out Sunday night, he brought over a tooth brush and left it at my house (that’s a good sign right?) also he brought up the fact that I liked him a lot but I wouldn’t tell him why and when I left the room and came back he was taking off the half naked pictures of girls wall paper on his i-phone and changing it to other random scenic pictures and of his cat. (Good sign number 2?) Of course he wouldn’t explain why he was doing it he just said why not? Which is fine simply because I couldn’t explain to him why I liked him so much but the next day he got text messages sort of explaining it, and last night he was telling me how he missed me…(good sign number 3?) I don’t want to get hurt…(Bad sign for me…because it makes me want to run. But obviously there are clear signs for me not to run right? He doesn’t have any red flags on him, he has his head on his shoulders and is over all a pain in the ass but a good guy.)

One of the girls off of 3FC are getting together to do workout video’s a few times a week since I clearly have no motivation to do them on my own and to finish through with them so I’m hoping this will help me continue on with my journey.