keep on keeping on

July 31st, 2009

So I’m still rolling on, though not as rotundly as before. I’m right down to 182, which is 32 lost so far! Unbelieveable. Nothing I have ever done before has been this successful, or seemed to be so easy! And finally, FINALLY, I am starting to see some difference in myself – my face is thinner (I can see the beginning of those blade-like cheekebones I know are under there somewhere hahaha). AND last night I went out with some girls from work (yay! a social life!), wore a little black dress and I swear my legs are thinner. I wish I had kept a photographic record from the beginning dangit.

I’ve accepted the offer of a full time job at my work, but still hate it 🙁 oh dear. Unfortunately I need the money. Oh well, it’s my own fault, really. As my mother said – you don’t need to finish university if you plan on working for minimum wage all your life, unless you are a lucky person, and we’re not lucky people. Or words to that effect. Thanks mum.

My bike is serviced and ready to go – I think I’ll ride to wimbledon park and take the train to work from there today. Yesterday was supposed to be its maiden voyage, but MONSOON season london-styles hit all of a sudden.

I’ve set myself a few goals for the month of August. They are –

1. ride bike at least twice a week.

2. walk home from tooting bec, rather than taking the bus from tooting broadway.

3. lose 8lbs to 174 – or 78.9kg, lowest weight since about july 2005! WOOT that’s flippin’ FOUR YEARS.

Feeling good, feeling positive, loving strong-girl rock/pop at the moment to keep me motivated. Florence + The Machine, Magic Dirt, Sia, Bat for Lashes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs – and as always (and no girls in this band) The Presets.

WOOOOOOOT

i didn’t get the job

July 13th, 2009

Oh my god. What is wrong with me? Seriously, I’m smart, a good worker, reliable, punctual, friendly, positive and well presented! I just want to shake the whole of London until they give me a FLIPPIN’ JOB! I can’t go on for much longer in my current position. I’d rather sleep in a gutter.

I’m so mad and unhappy right now. Maybe I should take up boxing.

These aren’t even difficult jobs I’m applying for. Any idiot could do them! Of course I don’t say that at interviews, but it leaves me wondering what it is about me that is so unsuitable. Is it the way I look. Part of me thinks that yes, it is.

ANGRY DANCE!

I can’t survive here on my current earnings and I don’t want to go back to Australia. Why didn’t I finish my freaking degree? Either of them? People look at my CV and must see me as some kind of no-hoper. Then they look at me and see someone who can’t even take care of themselves.

I’m sick of sponging off my sister and her fiance, and they must be sick of it too. What am I going to do? Just keep going I suppose. What a depressing thought.

I just want to be lucky for once. But I suppose you’ve got to give  yourself opportunities for luck. There’s no luck so potent that it would seek me out in my little room in my house. I’ve got to grow some balls and get out there.

I want it all and I want it now. That is my problem.

I’m just so tired of not being successful at any aspect of my life. That’s why I suppose I’m really pinning my hopes on this weightloss thing. If I just get that under control all the other things in my life will fall into place, right? I know that’s not the case but I hope it makes some other things easier.

aaaieeeee! cornish pasty!

July 12th, 2009

So yesterday, even though I was hungover, I managed to refuse a cornish pasty my sister had bought me. I was so so proud of myself because all I wanted was some comfort food.

I’d been out drinking the night before and still managed not to go over my calories (no wonder I had such a headache the next day, I was about 70% cheap wine), and then YESTERDAY I only made it to 900cal, which is not neccessarily good, but not nearly as bad as a 4000cal binge which is what the previous me used to indulge in.

So today, after having a healthy, light breakfast I thought – I can spare 550cal today – I’ve been healthy all week – I’m going for a walk anyway. So I cooked it and ate it, then ate a piece of bread slathered with butter and then another one! It ended up being a 900cal lunch! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF MEGAN?

Despite this mini-disaster, I was down to 85 yesterday and today, and I AM going for a walk (a little bit longer and faster than previously planned). I am less than a pound away from just being overweight. YESSSSSSS. I have been a bit concerned that I am losing weight too fast – I haven’t even been excersising at all. But I feel good, so I don’t know…

As for my ‘hitting 85’ goals – I am excersising today, and am finishing off my last pack of cigarettes.

I still don’t know if I have got that new job. I hope wish hope wish I do.

bleaurgh.

denim enemy

July 10th, 2009

Got into some old jeans yesterday. I feel like I can finally believe that I’m doing this, that it’s not all just a fluke and that I am actually achieving something. I normally look at the scales and think that they must be broken, or that it’s only a temporary fluctuation in my weight, or that I haven’t done enough to deserve this. But putting on some old jeans really made it hit home. Oh the vanity!

I think the true test is going to be when I hit 85 kilos – only a matter of days away. Then I have to quit smoking and start to excersise. I’ll be testing myself like I haven’t since I was a competetive swimmer – I think if I manage both of those things I’ll recognise that I am capable of doing this.

Man, at this rate I could be at my goal by my sister’s wedding! Actually AT MY GOAL. The same size as my sisters!

I keep picturing going home in my head as a sort of reality tv style “reveal”. When in real reality it’s going to be nothing like that, even if I get to my goal, my sister is getting married. It is about HER, megan. Still, I can’t help but picture what I’ll wear when I get there (again, very different to reality) – off the plane, grey wide legged slacks and a black singlet with some coloured bangles (reality – leggings and a t-shirt with plane hair) – visiting my old job, smart, bright pencil skirt and white tank, hair flowing and lustrous (probably my old dove dress with holes in it). Anyway, you get the picture. but can’t a girl dream? If I get close to my goal I’ll reward myself by buying one of these outfits.

Job interview today! It’s a monday to friday job which is ace – and if I get it I’ll get to quit that horrible nightmare of a Hilton. I hope hope hope hope I get it. I should – if I’m qualified to to anything it’s this.

So fingers crossed.

loves,

megan.

wanting to quit…

July 3rd, 2009

There are two things in my life that I want to quit. Smoking being the constant, my job the transient.

I think I will make it my priority to quit both over the coming weeks. I said I would quit smoking when I hit 85kg, which is coming up fast (to both my delight and dismay), so why not make it a deadline for my job as well? The only problem with that being I have to find a job in the meantime. I spend so much time jobhunting I might as well make it my job, if anyone would pay me for it.

A shade under 87 this morning, which technically counts as 86, but my scale is so temperamental I’ll wait until it’s flush on the number before I record it.

Calorie counting’s been good, excersise bad. But I did say I would hold off on that until 85 too. And I did feel like going for a run yesterday. AND I have been walking everywhere. I am more active now in any case.

Talked to my good friend doing Jenny Craig yesterday. Let’s call her Jenny. She has lost a fantastic 14kg so far! I won’t see her for about 8 months, so hopefully when we do get together we can celebrate our hotness together. I love Jenny.

Loves.

87 in the am!

June 30th, 2009

I weighed in at 87 flat this morning, which is 191lb! Which is 10kg or 25 pounds!

Awesome, yes, but according to the new rule that I made up in my head, I am not allowed to be officially 87 until I have weighed in at that for three consecutive days. Which is sensible, but a little soul-destroying when I want to celebrate.

I really really don’t see it. I took measurements this morning and I was only 1.5cm smaller at my waist and .5 smaller at my hips. AND NOTHING LOST ANYWHERE ELSE!!! But it is that TOM, so maybe I am a bit bloaty. AND maybe when I took my first measurements I was pulling a bit tighter to soften the blow of cumulative numbers.

Work at the Hilton is going shite – not enough shifts in a week to pay the flippin’ rent. I keep thinking – I am BETTER than this job! Please someone get me out of here!

Of course the only person who can get me out of here is myself.

I am trying to meditate everyday. As well as losing weight I am trying to lose my negative self image. I am mentally punching myself in the head every day so many times it has to be doing some long term damage. Meditation is the key. Positive images. I am floating in a salt-water swimming pool in Darwin, in the shade and it is raining. That is my in-head place of relaxation. Floating in a pool in Darwin over new year was the last time I can remember feeling carefree. I am infusing that pool with cool good thoughts.

I have made a deal with myself, that I will start excersising properly when I hit 85kg. That is also my deadline to quit smoking. AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE! I can’t wait to quit, but I think I’ll feel a bit lonely without my cigarettes. I am replacing a bad habit with a good new one.

I’ve been on low low calories for the last few days, because it is hot and I don’t feel like eating. Listen to me! I’m not even me anymore.

I have to go now to achieve some tiny mini incremental goals and get my dose of instant gratification.

LATERS.

job interview. yah!

May 18th, 2009

Yay! Finally! It is an interview with the Hilton, who I interviewed with a few weeks ago and got a rejection letter “we are sorry to say… keep you on our shortlist.” Yeah right, I thought. Well obviously they did! Huzzah!

I’ve been pigging out all weekend – yesterday my -in law’s mother came over and I cooked a big lamb roast with veg and steamed greens. She baked me a birthday cake (lovely!) even though my birthday was two weeks ago nearly. So I ate a lot lot, probably about 2500cal. erg. But now I am going to go put on my interview skirt (which is TIGHT) to remind me not to pig out today. I’m at about 800cal so far, so hopefully today is redeemable.

Got it on and it’s not as tight as I thought it would be. WOOP. Still, I do feel as though I’d hang out the top if I didn’t have such stacked heels to wear with it (do wonders for posture, heels).

I LOVE living in London. I love that I can be super dressed up and made up with heels for work and not feel like I’m overdressed, or even out of the ordinary. It is my dream to have a job where I get to dress like a GIRL. No apron, no sensible shoes, no man’s shirt, no bleach stains, no horribleblandpractical ponytail, no food to get all over myself when cooking. No COOKING. Yesssss. A non-food related job is all I ask for. That and looking like a girl.

I’m going to start sorting out my excersise. I’ve realised that I’m not going to get anywhere by sitting at home all day counting calories. I will still count calories, but by just getting out of the house I will stop giving myself the opportunity to just have a little more of everything. I will stop boredom eating. I know that I am capable of being uber-fit, and I know that I enjoy the feeling, it’s just the getting fit part that is sooooo difficult. So rather than going for a walk and saying “that’ll do, at least I did something” I’ll be pushing myself to my limit when I can. Who cares if people on the street laugh at the fat girl jogging? At least I know I’m a better person than they are. How do I know that? I don’t laugh at fat girls jogging. HA.

Fitday fitday fitday. I don’t know if anyone reads this, and congratulations if you’ve made it this far, but I was wondering if anyone else has the same problem as I do. When I have a horrible eating day I don’t enter it on fitday – like if I don’t record it, it didn’t happen. Which is TERRIBLE because I’m not holding myself accountable for what I’m consuming, and since I have no-one else to do that for me I can have massive blowouts and get away with it.

I’m going to do my fitday now.

Ta ta!

My sister’s fiance’s little sister and her boyfriend came over last night, so we went out to the local pub quiz. Which meant: PUB DINNER! Oh dear. I ended up ordering the veggie burger, no fries, with peas. I only ate half of the burger bun and the whole burger pattie (which was delish). Surprisingly enough my meal came to about 315cal. Awesome.

UNFORTUNATELY – I was being all responsible and mature, and only had one glass of wine. So while others were ordering bitter shandies and kronenberg, I drank orange juice. Which IS very sensible, but had one of my two orange juices been water I would NOT have gone over my calorie limit by 80cal!!!!! RRRRRGH.

Oh well, at least I did well on the food front. I made an awesome hamcheesespinach omlette for lunch yesters, and I think I’ll have the same again today. woot.

The cleaner is coming this morning, so I’ll get out of her way and go for a walk while she’s here. I’ve really got to step up the excersise situation. I have been putting it off by waiting ’til I get a job to do anything that costs money. But I don’t have to spend money to excersise. I have about sixteen trillion excuses- even though I do love to excersise.

Laters!

aaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!! The absolute horror of it. I knew that diet coke wasn’t particularly good for you, but not until yesterday did I realise that it actually contributes to that super unhealthy middle-fat. Oh woe. Not that I drink a lot of it, either one 330ml or one 600ml bottle per week. Diet coke my ARSE. Chubby stomach cola more likely.

Why can’t there be an addictive carbonated sugar free drink that contributes to an hourglass shape?

*Side effects – a trimmer waist and larger bust. Some booty may develop.

That would be a drink I would drink.

Other than that – I’m back on my fitday today, recording all. I am determined not to blow out, I have removed temptation from the house and am in a much more positive mood this morning. If I start off well, I usually keep going that way.

I have also updated this blog site with a page focussing on my daily goals. I have never been much of a ‘see the bigger picture’ type of person, and I find it hard to visualise the end result of anything. Which is why, I think, I have been known to give up from time to time. By making my goals extremely short term, day by day, I think I have made the work needed achieve them seem not so intimidating.

Baby steps.

Loves!

off the flippin’ wagon

May 13th, 2009

On both Friday and Saturday nights I went out with friends and drank probably the equivalent of a bottle of wine and a bit each night.

I always knew that I ate a bit more than usual when I was hungover, but it has extended well into this week this time. It must be because I haven’t had a big night in ages. Or possibly I never noticed before because I ate so badly anyway.

I, like many many others out there, suffer severely from a post night-out nightmare of hungover depression, which my friends and I call the hung sads. So that lovely, positive mindset I had fashioned for myself over the two weeks previous has been ripped to shreds. SHREDS.

Which is why, I think, I should not drink anymore. I don’t think I will become a total tetotaller – just someone who thinks one drink is enough – I love wine and should drink it for the taste, not the after effects of imbibing a bottle. Which means no more cider (bleargh), beer – never a problem for me, I think it tastes like, well… beer. Maybe the occasional vodka lime and soda (which I love only if it is real lime, not cordial).

But for now I’ve got to get back to work on building up my self esteem again – I’m job hunting for goodness sake, nobody wants to hire a meek little fattie. Oops, slightly negative there.

I’m going to see Coraline in 3D tonight with my sister – I haven’t seen a 3D film since I went to a theme park about eight years ago, and all it did was give me a headache. But I’ve heard that it’s advanced since then, and the glasses look remarkably like ray bans. Awesome.

Ok:

No more being down on myself.

I will forget that greasy sausage sandwich I had for lunch.

I will acknowledge that, while chocolate and I can co-exist in harmony, we should not meet too often, lest I be seized by a fit of ‘must eat chocolates’ and devour all existing chocolate forever. Because that will happen if I’m not careful.

I will tape my drinkbottle to my arm so that I do not forget to drink enough water.