Posted by kaylajay on April 28th, 2010 |Filed Under Uncategorized |
Sitting at my console at work I reach down to touch my neck, but my chin gets in the way. I’ve always had a hint of a double chin (when turned a certain way or in awkward pictures), but I now have an actualization of a double chin. My shirts have always clung a bit awkwardly to my stomach, but I could wave that away with claims of “its bloating from my period” or “oops had a big lunch”. Now I resemble my friend sarah.. Who happens to be 7 months pregnant.
Being a tall kind of chunky girl has faded away to being a fat girl. My being tall was an asset when I was just chunky, but now that I’ve descended into fat its working against me. I feel like an amazon, a behemoth.
I have stretchmarks covering my thighs, hips, breasts, butt, and now stomach.. And I’ve never had a child. Its my birthday in 2 days, and the excitment I felt faded the moment I realized that going out would mean another night out with my skinny friends. I’m single, not because men aren’t interested but because I’m not interested in myself. I’m too insecure about myself, and that causes insecurities with men. I get comments like “how independent you are!” And “you don’t even need a man, I wish I were more like you” but in reality, I yearn to be touched but am terrified to repulse a man as much as I repulse myself.
The thing is, I don’t feel like a fat chick until I look in a mirror. I feel thin and beautiful. I can flirt with any guy and feel confident, until I touch myself or look down.
How did I come to this?
I’m tipping the scales from fat to just about obese. Hopefully I can make a healthy change before I fall farther…