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Archive for December, 2011

It’s over!

What a grueling semester. I’m hoping for the best on that logic exam, but I really don’t know what to make of it. I might have passed with a D but I just do not know. I’m sorta gonna not think about it, cuz it’s kinda draggin me down.

So, starting tomorrow I’m going to try and hit the gym every day I possibly can. I think that’s a good place to start right? My diet is still all over the place, but progess, right? Progress not perfection :P I’m takin those baby steps (see girls, I’m listening to you!). I really do want to use this break to the fullest. So maybe exercising regularly will give me the extra boost to get me dieting good again. I have been having serious self-control issues, but I really do think that there’s some sort of psychology to exercising. If I know how hard I worked in the gym, I will be less inclined to eat that extra spoon of peanut butter.

Seriously. This peanut butter. It is KILLING me. I told my mom to hide it while I was at school. I got home and looked for it, found it in the first place I looked. I think I just need to throw it out because right now it is my downfall.

Flippin peanut butter.

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The end is near

Only one more exam left, and even though I’m awful at logic, I’m not as scared as I was before. I think I can do okay, it’s just those damn proofs that screw me over. But all I need is a 50% and I pass the class, so that’s what I’m shooting for at the very least =P

Alright, so, on to blogging therapy: I tried to watch my eating again today. Can’t say I did marvelous, but you know what? I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I stayed away from the peanut butter. Tomorrow I might go to the gym. I would like to anyways, I guess we’ll just see how the day goes. I got a lot of compliments today on my new steampunk outfit that definitely boosted my self-esteem, so I’m a lot better than last night. And I definitely thank my bloggie buddies for giving me a kick in the toosh and a helpful nod. I need you guys. Bro hug!

Not much else to say, I’ll probably post again sometime later tonight. Hopefully by continuing to admit this to myself instead of just brushing it off or ignoring it and acting lik it’s not happening, I’m somehow helping to better myself. I feel like I’m talking myself down from a ledge right now: Suicide By Food. I need to reevaluate my relatinship with food. I’ve had my way with it, now it’s time to toss it aside like the wandering tramp I am. I need to go into a tasty food hibernation, like where I stop eating really delicious foods like pizza and cake batter and sacrifice for the greater good. Carrots are the new junior bacon cheeseburgers.

Seriously me, stop binging.

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The worst has not yet come to pass

I’m going all Lord of the Rings on your asses.

But really. Monday is going to be the worst of it, I think. Once I get through today I will only have one exam left. Of course, my entire logic grade is depending on that exam, but somehow I feel better prepared to handle it then my Monday exam. Maybe that’s because my exam on Monday is another god dang essay, and I am so burnt out on essays that I don’t think I can do it. I just can’t stomach it. It’s funny because my last and biggest essay was on A Clockwork Orange, the best book ever written in the history of forever, and I feel a lot like Alex: every time I think of an essay I get physically sick. I’m conditioned against them and I’d rather lay on my back and lick a boot than write another muthafluffin essay. Just because I’m an English major doesn’t mean I’m willing to spend the rest of my life writing research papers. Tell me how many of you have written a research paper since you’ve been out of school?

Anyways, I think I’m stalling. In a lot of different ways. I don’t want to blame this on excuses, say it was school stress, this, that, or the other. Because I know the problem is me, and I’m just getting lazy. No other way around that. I’m eating like crap, and I’m not moving a muscle I don’t have to, sleeping too much, not taking responsibility for myself, and the fact of the matter is, it’s terrifying. I’m so preoccupid with having instantly satisfying fun that I’m not at all bothered by the fact that in the past month I have somehow managed to put on ten pounds. What started out as two, four, five, TOM weight, has now gotten up to the 10-15 range. This isn’t a simple fluctuation anymore. This is a serious relapse.

And I’m just not getting it.

I’m hoping that by writing this post it will trigger this awakening in me. I told myself I would ease into it, that I wouldn’t go cold turkey and forbid myself from eating the things I love. But maybe I don’t have a choice. I keep saying I want to be that stronger person, but I don’t remember how to get there. That other me is gone right now, and she’s not coming back. I’m scared that this 10-15 is going to turn into 20, and the next thing I know I’ll be at 234lbs again. I’m already starting to feel hopeless. Maybe I need someone to tell me I’m alright, to tell me I can do this, because I guess I’m just not hearing what I need to hear.

My last excuse was “it’s my birthday” so I let myself eat all sorts of crap. Well, happy 20th to me, I’m 10lbs heavier than I was a month ago! Even before that I knew I was floundering, but not like this. I was maintaining for a while, but now I’m starting to show it, and my self esteem is burning out. The other day I was in the kitchen with my mom and before I’d even started to make something to eat she told me that I’d just ate and didn’t need to eat again, and I just brushed it off. And then she told me that I was putting the weight back on in my thighs and that I needed to go work out, and I actually got pretty upset about it. But as much as I want to be angry, I know that it’s true, but right now, I feel like I can’t do a damn thing about it.

I want to break out of this mindset. I really, really hope that this winter break is what I need. I REALLY hope I don’t let it go to waste :(

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No time!

End of the semester ladies, I promise I’ll be back 12/14! Have to get through two terrible papers and even more terrible exams!


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