I’m miserable and mad at myself. This weather isn’t helping at all, the continuous rain on the weekends doesn’t make me want to leave my apartment at all and is making running errands difficult, there is only so much walking around in rain that one person can do. This weekend was a prime example, my plan was to do my produce shopping on Saturday, and depending how I felt, I would do the rest of my grocery shopping after or do it on Sunday. Of course it was raining on Saturday, so I managed to get my produce and pick up a cake for a party I was going to Saturday night but had to stop there because the rain was becoming to much and making it difficult to carry everything. So that left the rest of my grocery shopping for Sunday, well Sunday I woke up with a horrible migraine, one that made my stomach turn, so I didn’t actually get up and go until 2, which ruined the rest of my day because I had other stuff I wanted and needed to do.
I can’t blame the weather entirely, it’s my mental state. I get up and see it’s horrible outside and the thought of getting up and going doesn’t make me want to go anywhere. The reason I said I’m mad at myself is because I promised myself that I would have lost some weight so that my fall and winter jackets would fit and that I wouldn’t have to invest in new ones. Well guess what, my two fall jacket still don’t zip up and one of my winter jackets buttons up but makes me look pregnant when it’s all done up. I did get a new jacket last year but it’s at the cleaners and it’s too heavy for right now. I think I’ve finally admitted to myself that I’m going to replace my two ski/bomber jackets that I have had for years, neither can be zipped up comfortable. I’ve had both of these jackets for years, so I’m not too upset about replacing them, I just planned on buying a smaller size, not one similar or bigger.
I’ve now even found myself hiding in photos and I’ve never done that before. On Saturday I had dinner at a friend’s house, the usually 9 suspects getting together and catching up. I’m sitting in the corner, as I’m the only one at the table who doesn’t have a plus one with them (another thing I’m miserable at the moment about) and we’re all chatting and we take a girls’ photo at the end (as the group of girls have been friends since we have been teens) and I found myself hiding at the end. I’m the biggest of all of us and I’m very aware of it. I love getting together with this group and sharing our lives together, one couple just announced that they are having a baby, but I also sit there and just wonder when will it be my time. Everyone says it will come when you’re not looking, and trust me, I’m far from looking, and everyone says good karma is coming my way for all the good I do, but when!!!
I’d be lying if I didn’t mention that I’ve been doing a lot of emotional eating lately, the anniversary of my dad’s passing was last week and it brought on a lot of emotions that I’ve never felt before and it was bit of a title wave of ups and down, really more down on myself then anything self. Also, a male friend of mine who I’ve had an on and off relationship in the past with just got married, now I’m really happy for him and it’s not like I didn’t know he was getting married, but on the day when I saw the update on Facebook, it hit me. It’s not like we had a future together and what’s done is done between us is in the past, I guess I just didn’t realize how many feelings I still had for him. So that definitely led to some emotional eating.
A lot of this emotional eating has led me to feeling extra crappy and not sleeping as well. So last night when I went to bed I set my alarm a little bit extra early so I could get up and get a workout in since I knew I’m not going to get one in tonight. Well, my alarm went off and I stayed in bed. I wasn’t going anywhere. So this has become a vicious cycle which I need to break. So even though I didn’t get my workout in this morning I’m going to get a walk in during my lunch hour. I’ve also logged everything I’ve eaten into MyFitnessPal, it worked before and I’m going to have to get back into the habit of using it until I see some change. I’m not paying attention to the calories correctly and finding myself really hungry and certain times and I need to fix that.
Now that’s my vent and now it’s time to change. I might go back to my own personal challenge of blogging every day, even if it’s just a small update on how I’m feeling, how how many calories I’ve logged for the day. Right now according to MyFitnessPal, based on my weight and working out three days a week (because we all know I’m not doing anything more then that at the moment), I’m not suppose to go over 1530. I’ll do a report later on how I did, and how many fitness calories I covered off to.