song of the road

that is my brother and sister-in-law

The red monster on the extreme left is me. My mom is between me and my brother.

Well, the deed is done. I have resigned. I will be here till 31st August. Also I will work 2 days a week from home and the rest 3 days I would come to work. Feeling a little odd. I am scared, sad and also a little high. Don’t really know what the future holds. Brother sounded very supportive on phone. Hope staying with them will work out (By the way, I was so pleasantly surprised with your support on this staying together idea. I was expecting you to be skeptical. It is such an Indian concept and even I am scared a bit. I will work hard to let them have a lot of space but still.)

I told JB (my boss) that the failed relationship with R is the reason for my quitting. He said he had an inkiling but thought it wasn’t so serious. I guess I will tell my team mates too. Hopefully it would bring R down from his false Mr. Ideals image. I know it is a bit pathetic. but whatever. Very soon I would not think about him much and then will only remember the good times once in a very long while. Already I dont think much about him but his presence itself saps me out. JB was surprised and to his credit looked sad.

Thank you sooo much for the support and love. After seeing your comments, I did rethink a bit. I want motherhood more than a business right now. So catering - maybe later. I want to be a mom before I grow too old and even more self-centered.

Joy, thank you so much for the encouraging words. I will write to you for information and support. Also I will need all of your wisodm and support, as adopted or biological, I guess raising kids must be a lot same all over the world. I am quite scared.

Now that these two months are settled, I will start working on wrapping up the establishment from here. There is much to do. Meanwhile I will contact adoption agencies to get in touch with adoption support groups here. I am a little worried about how the administrative angles work for a child of a single mother with no father’s name available at all. I don’t know how evolved India is in this regard. I had the good luck and luxury of two life size and always there parents.

Writing it all down here settled much of the jitters. We had a hindi song starting with an apparently spanish phrase “que sera sera” which I think means “we will see what happens”. That’s what I think now. Though that attitude had got me here. But still I think it is okay to do what you think is the most right thing to do at that moment.

I was watching youtube a lot yesterday. I saw some weightloss inspiration videos. They are quite good really. I am going to pick the neglected weightloss front now. I am planning to watch these videos at times to encourage me. Do any of you post there? I would be too happy to see you. I need to fix my eat-whatever-you-want-as-much-as-you-can attitude and must must must exercise.

I hope all our hopes and dreams and aspirations come true and more than that let us all find happiness and peace. Lots of love to you all.

Well, the decision is made now. I am leaving the job. Still it will take some time. I am going to talk to my manager on Monday. I will either leave the regular way after a month of notice. Otherwise I can work for a couple of months from home till they get a replacement to reduce the revenue loss of the company. Like I draw a bigger salary than others in my team, likewise the earning through me is higher too. Still the company will not mind replacing me with a younger guy. That’s the way life works. I am quite hopeful; I will get an equally good job.

My brother came back from Ladakh yesterday afternoon. They had a whale of time. They went to a place called Khardungla pass. That’s world’s highest motor-able road. My brother rented a bike and drove up there. Another high point was the fact that he bought a sword. The blade is not sharpened of course. : ) But the sword has a beautiful walnut wood hilt and a cover. My sis-in-law reported that my brother can’t stop taking out his sword with a flourish again and again. She is thankful that it is unsharpened else all curtains would have been partially shredded by now. : )

We also had a chat about my leaving the job. He is okay with it. He wants us to come down to Mumbai and live with them. My mom is a little shy about joining them right now. So he has been asked to think about it and discuss with T thoroughly before deciding. Joint families work here. My brother is keen because he would be less worried with us in front of his eyes. Plus he will get to eat mom’s cooking and most of his domestic chores will come to me. But that will work better for us too. We have some inherited money from dad. That money was made in stock market. My brother is quite good in trading too. If we take off most of his domestic load, then he would get time to concentrate really on that money. And I will get half without doing anything. : ) Also T is no great shakes in house work. So mom’s being there would relieve her no end too. But let’s see if it works out. T’s parents are a little weird. They can’t see their daughter’s well being too. They behaved badly and sulked through out my brother’s wedding. We ignored them. Some of the guests were a bit puzzled. Anyway we were not bothered. But my mom is a little worried about them keying up T. But very thankfully my mom seems to have genuinely liked T. They went along very well the day T was here after her wedding. My mom is not going to do anything which bothers my brother. Plus she says now that T is any way in our family, there is no point in sulking or holding a grudge.

Round was asking about my adoption plans. The plans are so far only plans. My mom and brother have agreed completely. My mom was a little apprehensive earlier but she has come around now. I will need to make a will so that my bro and sis-is-law would take care of my kids if I die. I will of course buy hefty life insurance as soon as I have kids. I am planning to adopt siblings as the agencies don’t want to separate them. So most likely one or both the kids would be slightly older. My mom wants Bengali kids whereas any Indian kid would do for me. We would see about that. I read that for the troubled kids, agencies prefer single moms. Let’s see how it works out. I would love to have a kid or two. It is scary as anything too. I don’t know if I am responsible enough. But I will try hard and will love them very very much. Also I need to work out how all future paper work would work out as they won’t have anything as a father’s name. Hopefully by next year, I would be a mom. That sounded a bit unreal. : )

Today my mom and I were having a longish chat. We were just day dreaming about having a small catering business which we could run from home. To begin with we could deliver dinner to bachelors. Then we could expand and hire helpers and cooks. I am quite sure I can deliver better food than most of the guys in business. Then to further the dream, I was thinking of coming to the States or Paris to learn the business and then have a niche catering outfit for small ladies parties or small theme corporate parties etc. I can love having such a business. Maybe I will work in one such business in Mumbai for free for a month to see if it is my cup of tea. It could be real fulfilling to have my own business. But then all my free time would disappear which bothers me not a little. If I can stick to it for a few years, I will get a few trustworthy guys who would be able to run the business without me for a week or two too. If I really feel like studying and moving onto big time, I can sell the business too. : ) Okay, enough dreaming!! : ) Let me see if I can swing a month in a catering kitchen to see the business from close quarters.
On that entrepreneur dream, bye for today and lots of love to you lovely friends.
Pipe dream

I have decided to let this job go, even though I don’t have a new job. I think some time away will heal me fully. I work on getting well again and again and once I go to work all that drains away. I am planning to talk to my manager and see how the notice and everything works out. I am scared. Let’s see how it goes.

Thing are happening and not too. My brother’s marriage is over. It went very well. Two of my aunts came down on the occasion and it was a lot of fun. We ended up doing more traditional stuff than we planned to. I am yet to get the photographs from the firm we rented for the occasion. I will post a few photos once I get them.  

On my front, again a strange apathy is setting on. Things are actually better though. With all my depression and everything, I pulled off organizing my brother’s marriage. Then I am back to work. Though one full week is yet to pass when I came to work all days of the week. Last week I had a small road accident. I was traveling by auto rickshaw (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auto_rickshaw) and it overturned while trying to save an oncoming foolish car. Thankfully neither the driver nor I had any major injuries. My glasses broke and in the process I had many shallow cuts on my face and some more cuts and bruises on my hands and legs. I actually got off very lightly without any broken bones or glass pieces in my eyes. I actually am quite lucky. 

Though R and I hardly talk except for work, he has a dementor like effect on me. : ) Anyway, I am more convinced about starting the process of adoption by end of this year. So I must act responsible and can’t think of leaving this job without another one. I am getting better at a very slow rate but getting there nevertheless. 

Can you believe I read “Charlie and the chocolate factory” and Matilda only now? They are such awesome books. I am reading Chronicles of the Narnia now. Also I am planning to cook more often to feel better. Ms. Close, I just watched “Jodha-Akbar” a few days back.  Remember you were planning to watch it with A. I was thinking of you then. : )  I just need to get on being happy. On the health front, apart from eating a lot of fruits and a bit of cottage cheese instead of fried snacks in the evening, nothing else is happening. Well, I am going to join the Yoga class in office as soon as my elbow wound heals. 

Hope you all are doing well. Even when I am not here, I always remember you. You all are a part of life and mind and heart now. Lots of love. 

Tomorrow is another great day. I am becoming a little self-help bookish type. : ) I am trying the positive self-talk thing. I hope that will help. I am not so much bothered about R any more. But I think my body hasn’t got the message yet. Last to last week, I could go to work for 3 days and then took leave for 2 days. Last week, I went for 2 days and was home for 3 days. I am going to try really hard to go to work all days this week. What a huge goal! : ) But I suddenly get completely apathetic. I wasn’t writing here and I was scared even to check my mail and was avoiding your comments as well. I felt like hiding forever. Anyway the last five continuous days at home helped a bit. Also there is my mom. Whenever I stand up, she manages to dislodge the rug below my feet. Hopefully I will jump off the rug in time this time.

Anyway so instead of thinking positive things, I am writing down a small essay everyday. There I write all that I can think at that moment about why I love me and why I can be loved and what good things I am going to do the next day. My goal now is to first become beautiful and then become a writer and meanwhile be successful in my software career. : ) Yeah, I know, me and my ever changing goals. But then how to live without a goal? I picked up a book in library called “What do I do when I want to do Everything?” The title called to me. I am yet to read it. Just read one page of the prologue. I do think she is talking about someone like me. I become too joyous at every prospect and get distracted or bored soon after. I want to do so much, learn so much, see so much and I know perhaps I wont even read so much. To come back, I think the writing good things about myself is working a bit. Though it is only 3 days yet, these 3 days have been happily productive. This writing good things about me is a bit silly but my confidence is so low now that I need it. I don’t even know why my confidence has gone and keep disappearing like that. I mean I am really not particularly unhappy about anything. It’s just that sometimes everything seem completely pointless and worthless. Taking one extra step becomes difficult.

Apart from the essay thingy, I have another strategy to hang on at work. This is necessary as I am not getting another job right now. I have the financial stability to let go of this job without another in hand but I DO NOT WANT TO RUN AWAY. I will not go away. It is more or less impossible to avoid R when he sits less than 3 feet away. But if he bothers me even in any small unintentional way, I am going to go downstairs and take a walk. Or I will overcome my shyness and go and start chatting with someone else. I can make them laugh. I will laugh too. I will find out new things and it will refresh me. Those are such silly easy things and all people know to do these on their own from their youth. I am taking so long to catch up. But still what the heck? It’s fun in a way.

Okay, now the other BIG news. Brother dear is getting married on 14th June in Bangalore. I have managed most of the arrangements. I have finished the invitations verbally. Need to meet few friends and hand the invitation cards yet. We have arranged for a good caterer. Hopefully he will deliver well on that day. It is going to be a lavish buffet dinner. I will post photos of the bride and the groom and the food and the flowers. We are going to have a very small ceremony with no religious rituals. T is my brother’s fiancée. Her parents are not too happy about it. So they will have another ceremony for the religious trappings. Since my brother, my mom and I are not big on religion, we are more comfy with a small ceremony. Well, of course it is not the perfect situation to have two ceremonies but whatever! And my mom is jealous as hell about the fact that her daughter is not married yet and T is having so much fun. She gets on my nerves at times. One my mom’s sisters met T a few days back and she liked T a lot and my mom was not happy about it. It’s like T can’t win any way. : ) Mom predicts I will sing a different tune once I know her better. I try to empathize with my mom’s pain and immaturity and her narrow definition of happiness but as you can make out from my tone I am not all that successful. But life goes on.

T has bought a lovely red Sari with heavy golden embroidery to wear on that day. It is a gorgeous traditional piece. We have hired a professional make-up artist for her and me. This lady is supposed to be very good and she does make-ups for models ad actresses. I have ordered my brother’s made-to-fit suit. It is a lovely shade of grey with ultra think lines of purple and perhaps silver running through. It does look well on him. The last finish will be done when he is here. They both have bought the rings. My bro’s one is diamonds on platinum. Diamonds for T as well, perhaps on gold. Mom has decided to give T her wristlets (that’s like a lovely wide ornamented band of gold to be worn on wrist). All this can be worn only on a few days of one’s life as it is not safe to flaunt gold here. Though we are not buying much. Most traditional Indian marriages mean hordes of gold ornament. R’s wife must have at least ten times of what T is getting, rather having to buy herself. T’s parents cant afford to buy any jewellery for her which is okay. So T is sponsoring all the stuff her parents are supposed to give her and my mom is not happy. I don’t see why it is any of her business. But mom thinks they shouldn’t make T and my bro spend so much. Marriages are complicated even when they are happening after at least 10 years of love.

 I am yet to buy the jewellery I am going to gift her. Need to get that done soon. I am planning some light pearl stuff so she can wear them sometimes. Unlike me she does wear a lot of jewellery – cosmetic and otherwise. I need to buy a dress for me too. My growing fatter is not helping. But I am not going to mind that and be merry anyway.  My brother’s boss is being mean about giving him leave. He is supposed to come down here this Saturday but he is not yet sure about his leave. So a small storm is brewing there as well.

That is enough for today. I still need to catch up with you all. I just need to catch up on work a little bit first. Then I will slowly get to normal. I love you.