Just because… it doesn’t mean…

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Today was strength training day at the gym. As it was my first day, I did very little. And most of the exercises were just one set. I guess slow and steady is the best way to do it. It was basically a very relaxed session, but I did get pretty irritated with the trainer. He was making me do stretches and I was doing this strange stretch when I said that I felt it in my shoulders. And he said ‘You’re supposed to feel it in your shoulders, not in your head’. Now I don’t know whether it is PMS (or maybe some new ‘exercise’ hormones in my body) but I did get offended. Really, his comment and tone were uncalled for.

I don’t know about you guys, but I have noticed that men treat thin (sexy) women very differently from fat (un-sexy women). Seriously, in all probability my trainer wouldn’t make such disparaging statements to a slim girl. I hate the fact that men just put you into brackets based on your body size.

 

So, to whom it may concern, please note that just because I am fat it does not mean

1. I have a thick skin and I don’t get hurt

2. Just because I look fat and jovial, I can laugh off all the jokes you make at my expense

3. I am easy and you’re doing me favour by giving me attention, just because you think that I would be grateful for anything I get

4. I will waddle on the dance floor. (Ask me to dance and I’ll show you how graceful I am, and that I’m a much better dancer than you)

5. I will welcome uninvited weight loss advice. ‘Don’t eat chocolates and ice-creams’. ‘You should exercise’. ‘Pants make your butt look big’. Thank you, I didn’t know that already!

6. I don’t like wearing horizontal stripes

7. I like being hugged all the time. Really! Big breasts don’t come with welcome notes attached.

8. I am unattractive

Yours angrily,

Me

 

On a more positive note, I did manage to wake up at 6:30 am and drag myself to the gym, despite sleeping after 1:30 am.

Indifference

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I have not much felt like writing these last few days. I have not been cheating. Not exercising either. I don’t seem to be able to get enthusiasm to do anything actually. Even compliments are no longer making much of a difference to me. I am hoping that this is just a short phase. Maybe its the onset of pms. I need to feel the need to lose weight. Or else, I will give up on this whole thing very soon. I didn’t even weigh myself in the last couple of days. Imagine that! Yesterday, a male colleague commented saying ‘Are you wearing jeans or pyjamas’. Ordinarily I would have been thrilled at that backhanded compliment. My tight jeans have become so loose that they look like pyjamas. That should have made me thrilled. Whereas, I was like ‘whatever’. I need to snap out of this indifference soon. Very soon.

I’m not going to add my today’s reason for weight loss, as it would be insincere.

Thank God it’s Friday

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I have not written in the past few days.  Have been having very late nights and very little sleep this week (averaging about 2-3 hrs a day) and I am desperately tired. Need to recuperate this weekend. Thank God it’s Friday today. There’s a party tonight, which means yet another late night. But I think I am looking pretty good in a sexy-in-a-subtle-way black top. I’m ofcourse wearing jacket at work, but the jacket shall come off in the evening. He he! Have a good weekend everyone.

 

Today’s reason for losing weight.

Reason no 16: So I can buy smaller and sexier black tops

Walking in the rain?

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Now that the euphoria of losing 14 pounds has come down, I realise that I am still 4 pounds away from my Oct 1goal. And I don’t see any miracles happening in 2 weeks. Maybe if I start exercising I could manage to lose that. Highly unlikely, but I may be closer to it. But it’s been pouring like crazy here and there’s no way I can start walking till the rain subsides. Maybe I can exercise in the house. But that just doesn’t sound like fun. Sigh!

 

Today’s reason for weight-loss

Reason no 15: So I don’t keep feeling guilty about not exercising

Learn to want more

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Yesterday was a feast at home, but I managed to not overdo the food bit. I was fairly proud of myself. They do say that pride comes before a fall. But no falling as yet. Unless you consider the fact that I (yet again) did not manage to get up in the morning (for a walk) a fall.

You know, yesterday at work I was feeling pretty good about how I was looking. Not slim, by any angle, but pretty damn good. And then I realised that two years ago, when I was at the same weight as I am now, I used to feel so FAT. Don’t get me wrong, I realise I am still fat. But then I felt fatter at the same weight as I do now. How is that ever possible? Is that why I am happy with a 150 pounds target and six years back when I was actually 150 I felt like I was the fattest person around. I don’t understand. Maybe once you become really fat, you’re ok with being a little less fat. Whatever that means!

 

Today’s reason for losing weight…

Reason no 12: To look great, not just ‘not fat’

I need to do this

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There are people who believe that there is a reason for everything. Everything happens for a reason. I don’t know what could be the reason for my being a fat person ever since I remember. I was a fat kid who became a slim youth for a couple of years and then became the fat slob that I am now. I don’t know what is the reason that my being fat serves or what good has come out of it. Is it that I am to learn lessons in humility, rejection, judgments, etc.? I really don’t know. My marriage is over. Not on paper, but in his and my mind and heart. And yet through the difficult last month I’ve tried to stick to this weight-loss resolve as far as I could. I need something to hold on to at this time and to channel all my hurt, sadness into something positive. Maybe, the good that will come out of all this that I will finally feel good about myself!

Today’s reason… Reason no. 8: So something good comes out of the worst time of my life.

Lazy sunday

Cheating, General 1 Comment »

It was an ok day, except that I gave in to my chocolate cravings (yesterday and today). I managed to buy no-sugar-added low-carb chocolate, so hopefully it didn’t do too much damage. I just need to learn to have smaller portions. I get so excited to be able to have chocolate I overdo it. Actually, I’ve realized that it may be better if I didn’t have any chocolate at all. Maybe there will come a time in my life when I have enough will-power, or even better a complete indifference, to chocolate. Have stayed away from ice-creams completely (except for the small bowl last Sunday as ice creams are my absolutely biggest weakness). I was thinking, I used to go through half kg tubs with my husband and he never said anything. At that point I used to think that he loves me so much. Now I sometimes think that maybe he didn’t care enough. He could have seen that it was doing me a lot of damage. Anyways what is done is done. No more ice-creams for me. And hopefully, in time, I’ll be able to stay away from chocolates as well.

Wish me luck girls. Tomorrow I plan to start walking. I pray that I’m able to continue it.

I shall. I am strong if I want to be.

Tomorrow’s my weigh-in day. I am nervous. I hope I haven’t put on any weight.

 

My reasons… continued…

Reason no. 6: To overcome the self-doubts I have about myself

Week-end chocolate

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Yesterday was a decent day food wise. Didn’t cheat and surprisingly didn’t even feel the urge. It is surprising as I have been going through a personal crisis. My marriage is going through a really bad patch, and I have been living with my parents for the last month or so. Typically in the past I would have binged like crazy at such a time. This time, I have managed to hold strong.

The day before yesterday I met up with an old friend and the floodgates opened. No, not tears, but all my pent up emotions. And I ended up drinking 4 glasses of wine (double of what is permitted in SBD) but I didn’t eat much so I hope that balanced out.

My ice-cream cravings, which were a physical addiction in the past, are practically gone. I had a small bowl last Sunday but have not felt tempted to have any more since then. Though I do feel like having some chocolate. But I’m not too sure if I should buy any. Last weekend I went through three 100g bars of chocolates. I just can’t control myself. Maybe I can buy a smaller pack. Let’s see. I’d rather buy a pack of the sugar-free chocolates and keep it with me than later binge on fattening chocolate available in regular stores (sugar-free/diet chocolates are not easily available where I live)

Have a good week-end everyone!

Today’s reason:

Reason no 5.: So I can give in guilt-free to my chocolate urges once in a while

 

 

A good day

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In a hurry today, so I’m not going to write a long post. It has been a good day. Food wise, I’ve not cheated. Not even when I went for a Client meeting. And, I got my periods. But for the first time, after a long long time, I am not feeling as bloated as I usually do. Not started exercising yet. This Monday I shall start walking. Going to put down exercise goals for myself. This time, I’ll take everyone’s advice and start slow with the exercising.

Today’s reason for wanting to lose weight:

Reason No. 4: To feel good about myself during PMS and menses.

Belt a notch tighter

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Today my belt is tighter by one notch. I haven’t weighed myself since Monday so I don’t know if I have lost any further weight, but it doesn’t seem so. Maybe I was just wearing it looser earlier. But whatever! It is encouraging and how. I know its a long journey ahead but everyday counts and everyday, bit by bit, shall make that one day when I shall reach my goal. Yippee!

Today’s reason…

Reason no 2: So I can buy a nice belt for my jeans in the ladies section, instead of having to look at the (fat) men’s section.


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