The strangest thing about weight is that it’s always there. I feel like I’ve always had a weight problem — even when I didn’t really have a weight problem. I think I’ve always equated my weight with my self worth and the crazy thing is that even when I’ve been magnificently proven completely wrong there’s still that little voice inside me that screams about how fat I am. That voice hasn’t been squelched by life successes but only made worse by life’s failures. Food has been my go to comfort. My beer after a hot sunny day, my vodka after a particularly horrible day, or my heroin when I find things completely out of control. Food was my ultimate numb out.
Over the years I’ve made strides in my weight only to return to my usual plus sized “splendor.” I’ve done almost every type of diet imaginable. If it’s been on television I’ve done it. Then I got to thinking did I really do it?
Honestly, I’ve made vain, half-hearted attempts at losing weight. I start out like gangbusters but as soon as one thing goes wrong I’m downing the closest pint of Ben & Jerry’s and ruining everything. That failure then causes so much guilt that the only thing that prevents another breakdown is to stay down. Next thing you know I’m 8 slices into a large pizza wondering where the hell I went wrong.
When I was over 400 lbs I vowed to never get there again and here I sit at 320lbs and terrified that if left to my own devices I’ll again be back up that mountain of back pain, knee pain, chest pain, and emotional pain.
I’ve tried everything BUT starting it, staying with it, dealing responsibly with failure, and coming back from mistakes.
I had a meeting with my doctor about surgery and I really was going to do it but I think I owe it to myself to really work thing time and make something happen. I know that I have it in me to succeed I just have to stay firm and make it happen.
Posted on October 6th, 2012 by futurehealthywoman
Filed under: Weight Loss