I'm having a reasonably good week - not great, but not being too naughty. I must say that my routines have been thrown out of whack by the arrival of a housemate who is here all day… blurk!

But it's another challenge for me, and I'm sure it's one I will manage to work through. It's important to me that I keep losing more weight. It's in the front of my mind that after this next 5kg is gone I won't be obese anymore - "only" overweight, so that's well worth pushing for.

Long way to go - but I'll get there.

Must go - busy, busy…


Ani

No gym for me today as I'm going to a friend's for dinner. Thank goodness she knows I'm watching what I eat and has promised to cook healthy food and no dessert

Last night I had a really good session at the gym. Forced myself to do 40 minutes cardio even though I was so bored after half an hour that I could easily have fallen off my bike. Did my weights and upped the weight on a couple of exercises which is a good feeling.

My old PT saw me doing lunges and told me to smile - not bloody likely, sunshine!!

Keep on keeping on ladies.


Julia

Did you tell her where to shove her smile? Heh. I'm such a whinger with my PT, he just ignores me now!

Hello people! Anyone remember me????

Sorry for the disappearing act! Although I have only manage to disappear from here...physically I am fast reappearing!!!

Not been doing at all well with my weight!! My clothes are getting uncomfortably tight!!! Last time I hopped on the scales was a couple of weeks ago...89.5kg!!! And you'd think that would be a wake up call for me!!! But no, still doing all the wrong things, still hating myself for it!!!

Received my first public reality check today though!! I was shopping and was deciding what nuts I wanted to buy when a store worker said from behind me, "You don't want them, you'll get fat!"

I laughed it off and said (as I always convince myself) "Once won't hurt!"

"Huh!" he said "I've lost 30kgs you know?"

"Wow! Well done!" I said, remembering how I felt being able to say that. I then said "I've lost 30kgs too". I never mentioned I had put a few kgs back on again.

His next comment was like a slap in the face!!!

He scoffed and said "Oh yeah? Where?"

I walked away!

If I could I'd never set foot in that shop again!! But that is not an option when living in a small town! I made a comment to the person at the checkout about how rude I thought that guy was...that person at the checkout thought it was funny!!!

I kept thinking about that all day! And you know what? I am thinking that might be the reality check I needed to get me going again!!

So here I am...hoping for a start that I can start to feel comfortable in my size 16's again soon because I got rid of all my size 18's last November! I have not got the courage to step on the scales just yet.

First thing I gotta do is stop the overeating!!! I've got to get back to normal portions of real food again!

I am still walking to work four days a week...although I haven't this week as I buggered up my back again!! But it is feeling better now. I won't walk tomorrow or the weekend just to make sure all is good, but the plan is to start walking again from Monday.

I have skimmed through the last 15 odd pages of posts that I have missed and it is good to see most of you are still determined! LittleKiwi you have been really inspiring!! Ani...great to see you are still doing so well too, even with the disruption of a flat mate! I could never do that...share my home with another person...NO WAY!!!

Well that is me in a nutshell for now...I soooo have to get back on track!!!!

Lindor, the guy in the shop sounds like a total prat! What he said was incredibly rude and as far as I'm concerned, there is no excuse for speaking to anybody like that. I'd be complaining to the management.

Aside from that, it's great to have you back!

You've done it before and you CAN do it again! Jump back on the bandwagon with us, there's plenty of room

As for me, I went to my friends place for dinner last night and she cooked the most divine meal of chicken, vegetable and noodle stir fry. It was way more carbs than I would usually allow myself but I still kept within my points so that's okay.

Tonight I'm off to the gym after work and then meeting up with my ex for dinner. I'm a bit worried about that as I know that he misses me and would like to get back together but that's definitely not what I want so I'll have to be firm with him on that.

I'm so tired at the moment, it was a real struggle to get up this morning so I'm looking forward to Sunday when I can have a nice long sleep in.

Lindor! Matey, I am so glad you're back - I've really missed you.

Selfish reasons aside, welcome back to the bandwagon. I'm sorry that things have been going bad for you - but really proud of you that you've decided to do something about it before it got 'too' bad.

We all do it - lose weight, and then put some back on, then lose it, then… you know what I mean. And I think it's about trying to change the core of our relationship with food.

And don't you worry, I loathe having a flatmate. I'll tell you more about that later, but right now I need to try and work out a plan - I've been shrinking the walls of my own life all week because she's HERE all the bloody time. And I'm changing my ways so that I can tactfully avoid her. Not good. Not liking it a bit.

And I'm over-eating. I know this week I am going to gain weight - and I need to do something about it pretty quickly before it becomes a pattern.

And as for that twit in the shop, I would have asked him for a nutcracker with a very meaningful look in my eyes. What a goose!

Anyway, must get to work.

But seeing you back here improved my day 100%. Welcome back matey

It's been that time of the month, and that time of me eating crap! I just can't seem to get my sugar cravings under control for that week of my period. Working only part time is not helping, as I'm sitting around here just thinking about what to eat.

I'm working this afternoon, so I'm safe today!!

Hey Lindor Welcome back. I agree with Ani. Get a nutcracker. I WOULD go back into the shop and actually seek him out and politely tell him that what he said was rude and hurtful and that it is not acceptable. If her really HAD lost 30kg he wouldn't say something like that, so I am not sure he really DID lose the 30 he claims.

Well everyone I have finished and survived my first week of orientation. I am buggered beyond belief but here's hoping for a great start to a wonderful career.

I have eaten pretty ok this week, Been busy and I have been making sure to eat brekky before the drive and I have been eating lunch everyday. A WHOLEMEAL sandwich most days, though today I had a daggy dog with sauce. God it was good. lol.

I have avoided chips and chocolate. But when I jumped on scales this morn they hadn't moved in either direction from last weigh in. GRRRR. I felt like going and SCOFFING a bit of chocolate.

Maybe next week I can start moving a little more and this week was the eating habit to get used to.

I better fly. Going to organise my papers now. Will be sure to be back a little more regular now.

Hey Ani how yuck for you about yr flatmate. You know I often think to myself even that home would be easier if I were single. Thats bad hey. lol. But I do so like my space. I even don't like sitting on the lounge to watch TV with anyone beside me, and it offends a lot of people. lol. But thats just who I am.

Once again Lindor, great to hear from you. I was only thinking about you while reading the previous page wondering how to get in touch with you.

Lota love all,,,, by for now,
VONNI xxx

Lindor! Good to see you again...I was wondering where you were. Never fear, we shall pull each other, kicking and screaming, onto this bandwagon they keep talking about. :P

Well, I thought I'd had a fairly good day, but then I thought back over my choices....*insert movie dream sequence here* 1 cup instant porridge at 10am, 1 full 250g block cadbury black forest chocolate and mandarin 1pm, chips-and-gravy 5pm, 150g ham 7.30pm. Well. Hurrumph.

Still not well enough to go to the gym. Oh well. Bf and I are having our 2 year anniversary on Sunday (yay!) then back to uni on Monday.

Ani, I'm sorry you have to have someone stay with you. I hope she isn't too imposing. Have you set ground rules, or is this a prison of your own making? I know you talked about boundaries before she moved in...maybe remind her of them?

Busy busy busy girls

Kylie

Man, that would suck Ani. I like my own space too - did she say before she moved in that she would be home all the time??? Are you on a trial period? Can you swap her for someone else? You should be able to say in your ad that you want someone who's not THERE all the time!

I'm dreading that about living in the US - I'll need a roomie as I won't know many people, but I don't like sharing my space with strangers, so we'll see...

Lindor, so good to see you!! Don't worry about the gain, I've been losing and regaining the same 5kgs for a few months, so I feel your pain. At least you're still here, and still working at it, that's all you can do.

What a pri**!! I would have belted him!

maybe jennylee you should try the orange cordial on your nana...... my hubby said i wasnt allowed to try it on jemima..... but i do the grocery shopping and i look after the baby so we shall see.... BUT i do know why she has been such a little cow the last couple of days......... she got a TOOTH, yippee, even though all the other mummys are going to be like "poor jemima" i know its coz they are wishing their baby did something first... heheehhe

stayed the same weight this week, kinda expected it as wasnt that 'good' but wasnt that 'bad' either, next week expecting the same as yesterday was hubby's bday (he loves the day off and fancy car hire i got for his birthday) so we went to hogsbreath and tonight we going to thai and lunch i think will be kfc......... good thing is though I KNOW i can eat all these things while staying in my calorie count but exercise is going to be nil so not sure how it all evens out..........

ani - with your flatmate - dont forget whose house it is.... make her feel uncomfortable being around all the time and she will start being out more... if you change what you do then she wins and will always be there like she owns the place..........!!!

I wish I could put into words what I've just figured out about myself. I don't think it's possible though. I was writing in my journal this morning, and reflecting on the last year of my life.

I still cannot really grasp that I have lost 20kg - or maybe I can't see myself being 20kg bigger than I am now. It's hard to get a real perspective.

For most of the year I have muddled through - adjusting this, tweaking that, but never really knowing the answers to "what works". Sometimes I feel obsessed, at other times almost disinterested, but I've kept going for 50 weeks now - and could not tell you why this time has worked when other times have failed.

At the outset I knew I could never lose a huge amount of weight - but I knew I could lose 5kg. That's probably the answer: at each 5kg milestone I challenge myself to unwrap just one more layer. I ask myself if I feel emotionally safe, and then make a promise that I will commit myself to the next 5kg. And that's all.

Today I understood something important. I know why I wrapped myself up in layers of protective fat. The death of my father almost 12 years ago, followed by a back injury that changed my mobility forever - and then a 4-year relationship that stole something from me. It was with a woman who said she loved me more than life - and then cheated on me. Silly me stayed, forgave, fixed - but didn't realise that I was losing something of myself. And wrapping myself up in fat so nobody could see me.

I've been single now for almost four years. At the start there were new challenges; healing from heartbreak, financial trouble, trying to manage a life that seemed in chaos. More wrapping in layers of fat. Then new back problems - less mobility.

Right now, at this point in my weight loss I am at the exact weight I was when she cheated on me. She is still in my life, as a friend of sorts by the way. And right now I am at a crossroad.

This morning as I was writing I realised how much I have changed. The creative side of me is beginning to emerge, as is the silly, playful, politically active, caring, nurturing and unapologetically strong, bolshie, difficult woman I know I can be.

The woman who is in love with words, who is unafraid of touch, who doesn't suffer fools, and who dreams big dreams… I remember her now.

And just as the Size 18 clothes start to feel baggy and boring, so does this excess fat that I've been hiding myself in for the better part of eight years.

And now I know. For the last 20kg I haven't been able to see it at all, but today for the first time I get it – I'm coming home to myself.

And I wanted to share that with you wonderful women who have been such an important part of me making it this far.


Ani

ANI

Ani, it is amazing that you can put that into words. I know exactly what you mean, and I'm so glad that you've had the "lightbulb" moment and realise that you're worth finding!!

wow ani, how scary........ this is it..... how exciting to be where you are, knowing you are so close to finding yourself after so long...