why don't you get over the counter sleep aids?
diphenhydramine HCi is a good one, I love them and 1 or 2 does the trick. I have severe insomnia, and because I have no health insurance, I can't really get Ambien. I usually get the generic kind from target that's less than 5 dollars.
Megan -- What's your plan? Why are you hanging around so close to him? Do you have an exit strategy? Are you waiting for your dad? If not, can you get to your family?
He's going to do everything he can to get you back, that's part of the cycle!!! But the further you are from him, the easier it will be on you to resist.
Of course you love him and want it to work, but there's no magic fairy who can wave her wand and change him. Over time he may be able to change him, but right now, for the safety of you and your pets, it makes sense to distance yourself.
I think that grief is really normal right now. You have lost a lot.
Also, I am concerned that the OP has shared an awful lot of potentially identifiable information on this thread and on 3FC in general. Might not be a bad idea to go back and delete threads with wedding photos, discussion of changing maiden names to married names, discussion of her husband's job, location, etc. There have been 3000+ views of this thread so far, and while I hope they are all from supportive 3FC chicks, you never really know. Especially if her husband is aware of 3FC as a support system. This is an extremely public forum...Disgruntled former partners have been known to read 3FC.
Before I met my wonderful husband, I was in a relationship with a total loser. It was not a healthy relationship, and was one I wanted out of multiple times. However, we had been together long enough that he learned what buttons of mine to push to get me to do what he wanted. With him, I'd break up with him or get ready to leave, and he'd threaten to kill himself. He knew I couldn't stand it if he hurt himself, so I stayed to calm him down.
Would he really have done it? I don't know. There were two times I decided I didn't care and was walking out the door. One time he ran out with a knife and his friend and I ended up calling the police and searching for him frantically while he placed random phone calls to us from pay phones taunting us. The second time he jammed the lock on the front door, took the battery out of the phone and slept next to me all night with a knife.
My guy was emotionally abusive forever, and it eventually did escalate into physical abuse one time before I got rid of him. I have a bad, bad fear that yours will too if you go back -- he'll know he can push you and push you, that you'll always come back no matter what.
Your husband knows you well enough to know your buttons. Don't let it get to this point between the two of you.
Oh Megan. I've honestly worried about you all night, I just feel such a connection to your situation. I've been right where you are (well, maybe not in the exact hotel room but in a similar one in Chicago). He is manipulating you by his text. You may not be able to see that right now (I know I wasn't able to when I was in your shoes). It took me about a year of this crap...me running away in the middle of the night and moving to hotel rooms, him taking back "my" control with his manipulation, me falling back into his trap, etc. before I realized that, under no circumstances, could I have kids with this man. What would I do? Pack up my kids in the middle of the night? Put them through the torture I was going through? NO! All of a sudden my life became crystal clear and my resolve hardened.
Ultimately, it is your life and no one is here to judge you, just support you.
Do you have a plan at all?
Also, I had to laugh out loud at your dad's smoke signal comment. Ah, dads, got to love them.
Nothing but hugs and positive vibes coming your way. I like the way you handled it by saying, " I need to be treated with respect and love or I am leaving." That is a classic and so beautifully said.
Gosh Megan, I have been where you are at right now. Stay strong, don't go back. It won't be easy but you have family that will help you and move on. You need space from him. Get away from the situation, before you make any decisions. He will hit you and worst if you go back.
You deserve all the happiness in the world, don't let someone else make you believe otherwise. All of these antics are to play on your emotions, because he knows you care.
It will get better, but you must preserve yourself first. Get away, take care of yourself before you can deal with this situation.
Going back to him in that state will not make the relationship better.
You as much as anyone else deserve to be happy and safe.
Southlake - you nailed it. His behavior is hitting all the points he wants to in order to maintain control. Of course he has good points - you fell in love with him. No comparison, but Ted Bundy was a really likable guy when he was happy. You need to be strong - no contact. You see how it's all falling into place for him now. There is no time frame on your relationship if he gets help. You could still make it work a year from now if he wants you that much ... and you're still interested after he gets therapy ... it's not somethign that needs to be talked out now - to save anything.
If you do return to him, you'll want to find a non-abusive home for your cats - it's only fair to them because they CANNOT decide to not return to that home. And having to decide something like that, maybe it will illustrate exactly the danger YOU'D be walking into. Maybe not this week, maybe not next month. But the violence will escalate. No matter how sweet he talks.
When you love someone so much you wonder why you can’t make things work out. Trust me men like that are the master of manipulation. I remember there was a time I BEGGED for my ex to take me back…that was a low point in my life and I was disgusted at myself because I allowed myself to allow a man to make me feel unworthy enough for me to actually beg him to come back to me. (He wanted that, and it wasn’t to take me back it was to feel the fact he still had that power over me to make me feel like crap and to actually lower myself to what all his other ex’s used to do.) After a few days of not hearing from him I decided to write one last final goodbye letter and then deleted the email account afterwards. It was a good start for my healing process. (not saying I had better judgment one drunken night and emailed him from another account…but that’s another story.)
Right now you’re in a lot of pain because you’re hurting and you might hurt for a while and you know what so what if he says he lost respect for you. Men like that want to keep you under their control they feed off that crap because it makes them feel like a real man. He’s lost respect for you because you became STRONG and was finally able to walk out and not deal with his crap anymore. In reality he never really had respect for you, because any man who has respect for a woman does not treat them like they are garbage! That’s the game plan make you feel like crap, belittle you, tell you, you worth nothing so you will cry and beg for him to come back, so he can toy around with you. Telling you he doesn’t want you, telling you he doesn’t love you and that it’s over so HE can be in control so HE can feel like he was the one who left when all along it was your choice. He completely turned the situation around on you making you feel like you are missing out on something good. He is NOT good, and he sure as **** isn’t the best thing that will ever encounter your life either!
You are still strong, brave and sometimes we have a relapse and go back into think all the good things about the relationship when in reality it was all tainted, nothing was ever really real because he himself was an illusion, he was a liar, he was the master of manipulation. Sure there are some good things to the relationship EVERY relationship has a good things to it. But smashing ****, smacking your cats around and screaming at you making you feel like crap should be the top things that make you realize he was a sack of poop.
You’re hurting and eventually the pain will dull down I don’t know how long your relationship was before you got married, but 3 months of being in abusive marriage is enough. Don’t be one of those woman who stay’s because they feel the need to. You don’t need to you are 23 years old YOU HAVE YOUR WHOLE LIFE A HEAD OF YOU. This was just one bump in the road that you can learn from. Marriage isn’t everything, it’s a piece of paper. Having a good relationship with yourself will help you find a good man who will actually respect you, care for you and not abuse you and the animals around you, you love. You need to surround yourself with the familiar, you need to be around old friends and family NOT alone to help you through this. Being alone will only cause you to more than likely be destructive towards yourself. It’s okay to ask for help, it took me years to realize that the whole world isn’t again me and that people will help you when you need them the most. Especially your family. Good luck, keep us posted and as hard as it is, STOP RESPONDING TO HIM!
Can your dad come meet you and help you get home, like now? I'm late to the thread but just read it all. It sounds like your family and the people who are supportive are all in Wyoming. It seems like that's where you and your cats should be going. Is there something else keeping you near him? As Heather said, getting futher away will make it easier for you to resist him.
I haven't read other threads about your situation but I am so sorry to hear about what you're going through. If you were that scared to be in the apartment, then you absolutely need to trust your instincts! Your dad is on your side. I'd ask him to come help you gather your things, or maybe even just the cats, and get back to the home where people will love you and protect you.
Another vote for what SouthLake said. I think the thing about abusers to remember is that they are very astute when it comes to their victims. They know EXACTLY what will push buttons, what will trigger them to come back. You need to cut off communication with him completely... and I would say that whether or not he were abusive. At the end of ANY relationship you need space and time away from hearing from them to heal. And this is especially true for you. It says a lot that he is so delusional to think that HE is "kicking" you out. You left! He is trying to take control of you leaving and make it HIS decision. And it's not!
Google knows everything!
