Hey everyone, I made it home!!! It was a loooong miserable drive. I got home and my dad helped me get my suitcase to my little bedroom downstairs, and I had a mini breakdown. I love my padre and being home, but it's so depressing to be moving back to my parents' house after being gone for so long. I went to boarding school across the country when I was 14, then college in Alabama, and then I got married. And now I'm back. 23 and living with my dad. Feels disgustingly pathetic.
Furthermore, I'm absolutely worn out. Not just sleepy tired, but by the whole fiasco. We're going to have to drive back down there, maybe next week, to get all my stuff (my dad will be there, I'd never be alone with him). Then there's the legal stuff. Changing my name back. Facing my whole family that were all so happy for me at my wedding. Figuring out what the heck I'm going to do now. It's all just so exhausting and terrifying to think about.
I'm also second-guessing myself on everything. I'm sure this is normal, part of the "abuse victim" syndrome, or something. But I just keep thinking things like "well, he never hit me...I doubt he ever even would. Maybe it wasn't abuse afterall, and I just threw away my marriage over something that could have been worked out." I have a hard time saying it was abuse at all. I was miserable, yes, I was unhappy, yes, but maybe we could have worked through it. Maybe he was right, *I* was the one who caused this whole mess by going to the motel that night. What if I had stayed and we'd have a fight (our fights were him yelling, me crying and apologizing) and then life would go on as normal. Sure, it would be miserable and unhappy, but I wouldn't be facing a divorce, I'd be in my same routine. Maybe I should have never left.
And then there's the fact that he just doesn't seem to give a flying flip that I left at all. Normal people who love their wives show sadness and remorse and want to make an effort to fix everything. Even in abusive relationships, the abuser apologizes and begs the victim to come back and says they'll change. I didn't even get that. I got nothing. I drove away and haven't heard from him since. He's probably feels glad I'm gone, because I obviously annoyed and angered him so much.
This is really a self-pity post. I guess I just feel like I made it home, and that in itself was a massive exhausting feat, but it was just the first baby step on the marathon that I'm about to have to run and I'm already worn out.
oooooh megan *HUGE HUGS* please as you have these feelings go back and read your old posts about not only how he treated you, but also your kitties and how he refered to other women. And especially reread what you posted about what the counselors said.
And while he never hit you, from what i read i can only assume that would have changed eventally. He was already using his anger in a physical way to intimidate you (breaking tables, throwing things) it eventually would have been you once he thought he could get away with it.
I know the things you need to do seem overwhelming and intimidating now, but i'm sure weightloss did at first too. Just break it into small steps and focus on each one as it comes.
Dont feel ashamed moving back home, accept it as a quick detour as you figure out your next step and be greatful you have people able to take you in when you need them. Thats what family is for and i am sure if the situation was reversed somehow you would open your doors as well.
MEGAN!! Everyone who is reading this probably wants to hug you, and then shake you! I hope you read and reread kitty's post - she nailed the points on first strike. You didn't "throw away" your marriage over something small. What woman thinks her husband is going to hit her? Not many of those who finally make it to a shelter. Then does it become "it didn't leave any marks" ... to "he didn't hit me on my face, just my arm" ... to "he said he was really sorry" - it just would never end. Life is short. Don't assume it'd be the same old routine back home - it would just keep escalating into more and more misery and pain - for you and anyone else whose brought into that house.
And those family members who celebrated your marriage with you will be celebrating your strength and supporting you in your new journey. Don't be shy in TELLING them that you need support because some people might just avoid things to make it easier on you. whatever you need, ask for.
No shame in returning home to pops You've probably made him the most proud in his life with your recent actions. I know I would be.
Hey! I'm glad you are home safe! I realize you are having a pity party right now, and you're entitled, but see here! Life is too short to be miserable. You are young and you can absolutely get back on your feet! If he doesn't want you, then you shouldn't want him. Only want people who want you. If he truly is a person with a personality disorder, then I'm sorry to say he won't change. You would have just spent more time miserable. Trust me, I know this. I have a relative who has destroyed my family. She has borderline personality disorder. He will never see he is wrong, and he will always blame you and others for everything. You will never hear an apology from him. It's terribly hard, and it has made me sad for years, but I know you can get through this. You might need to seek counseling to help you, but it's not your fault! Just remember that.
you answered your own questions. You were miserable and things would have gone on like that. That was reason enough to leave even if you weren't being abused. And normal people are upset when their spouses leave. So you weren't even married to a normal person.
Sure divorce looks like a big deal, but it will all be over. You probably won't even have a complicated one because you didn't own a house or have kids. Just find yourself a lawyer and they can take it from there.
and your family was happy because they thought you were happy. since you weren't they will be happy you took steps to change it.
You are a young adult trying to make it on your own. You left and got married, which did not work out.
Now you are back at home, recharging your batteries.
That process can take a few weeks or even a couple of years. Don't fret.
Most young people leave home and return a few times until they finally make the final break.
Some come and go over employment opportunities, some over schooling, others over marraiges. There are so many reasons why young adults go back home for awhile.
I came and went 3 times. My son is back home for the 4th time! But I like it that he is here. He is good company.
It is hard, I know, to return to homebase. But help your mom and dad with little chores. Once you get a job, take them out to dinner once in awhile.
Us old people lead boring lives. Once you are back, things liven up a little. They both have a renewed purpose in life. They were very worried when you had your major problems, now they are both relieved you are home and safe.
I'm also second-guessing myself on everything. I'm sure this is normal, part of the "abuse victim" syndrome, or something. But I just keep thinking things like "well, he never hit me...I doubt he ever even would. Maybe it wasn't abuse afterall, and I just threw away my marriage over something that could have been worked out." I have a hard time saying it was abuse at all. I was miserable, yes, I was unhappy, yes, but maybe we could have worked through it. Maybe he was right, *I* was the one who caused this whole mess by going to the motel that night. What if I had stayed and we'd have a fight (our fights were him yelling, me crying and apologizing) and then life would go on as normal. Sure, it would be miserable and unhappy, but I wouldn't be facing a divorce, I'd be in my same routine. Maybe I should have never left.
And then there's the fact that he just doesn't seem to give a flying flip that I left at all. Normal people who love their wives show sadness and remorse and want to make an effort to fix everything. Even in abusive relationships, the abuser apologizes and begs the victim to come back and says they'll change. I didn't even get that. I got nothing. I drove away and haven't heard from him since. He's probably feels glad I'm gone, because I obviously annoyed and angered him so much.
For the record, I think you just gave yourself all your reasons why what you're doing is right and not wrong or just overreacting.
Also, thanks for the update...I'm so glad you made it home alright! Did you end up staying the night with family on your trip? I hope you were able to visit a bit, either way. Don't feel pathetic or weak for staying with your parents for awhile...families are there to help and love each other, and this situation certainly warrants a bit of both. This doesn't mean you're some burnout with no direction. This is just one of the steps it takes to heal and move forward with even more energy and will than ever. The best of us have been right where you are now! Be happy that you have a place to rest and recover.
Oh, and - before I forget - if you or your father need any assistance when you come back to town, you know how to reach me. I would be more than happy to assist, as would my DH - and he's a pretty strong fellow, if you guys need some help moving anything. Let us know! (DH also wanted me to let you know that he would be happy to assist in anything you may need to know or do concerning military procedures.)
Anyways, hope you're getting some rest...enjoy your time of sanctuary and stretch out, relax, etc. Give your kitties some hugs from us, as well!
Last edited by opheliaphoenix; 03-24-2011 at 07:18 PM.
Megan, think about it this way: What's going to happen to your self esteem when you go back and he hasn't changed? What's going to happen when he screams at you, throws one of your innocent cats around, or breaks your things? You are going to regret going back. I promise. The absolute best way to hurt someone who cares about you is to pretend you don't love them, and he's doing that. It cuts deep, he knows that. He's using your love against you. He knows you're a decent human being, a loving caring person, and that THIS, what he's doing RIGHT NOW, is the best way to hurt you. He's torturing you using the love you have for HIM. What kind of person uses their wife's love against them like that?? I'll tell you. It's the kind of man who will humiliate you. Who will take away your rights until you have none. Who will only treat you better than dirt when you obey him. He will take every ounce of love you have for him and use it to his advantage. He will crush you until there's nothing left except for what he wants you to be. By leaving him, you defied him, and he wants to hurt you. Don't let him. You owe it to yourself to have a HAPPY life, not one where you are just barely getting by. Find happiness without him. It should be pretty damn easy once he's a distant memory.
Don't be sad. Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.
Last edited by Pint Sized Terror; 03-24-2011 at 07:19 PM.
Hey Megan! Late to this, but just wanted to say that I'm so sorry you had to go through with this and so glad that you found the strength to leave such a bad situation.
The best thing I ever did for myself was leave my first husband. The next few months were the most self-revealing and strengthening of any in my life. You will land on your own two feet and be proud and calm and strong because of it.
Ever the librarian, I have a book recommendation, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher. It's tremendously empowering. It doesn't even cost enough to get free shipping on Amazon (but maybe you could add a good novel or two for some healthy distraction).
I'm so glad you are safely back home with your dad, and your kitties.
There is much you will need to deal with, so deal with it. The whole rest of your life is ahead of you. Get a lawyer, and find out what you need to do, and what you shouldn't do.
No, you are not a failure, you are a success story. You really are.
Querida,
This is going to hurt for a long time. Let it. Buy yourself a ring, or a pendant, and when you are going out of your skull, look at it--touch it--and remember there is a reason you are going out of your skull, and that this too shall pass. You are mourning what should have been, and that grief demands more time than you want to give it.
It will hurt and you will be crazy for a while, but _this too shall pass._ Promise.
*hugs*
Look, in the grand scheme of things, this is a minor blip in your life, like many others have said.
But let's look at the reality..... no newlywed, especially after only 4 months of marriage, should be even considering things like "Well, he didn't hit me......"
That's not a GOOD marriage!!!!!
This should have been the time when he was loving and respectful and having fun with you.... he turned out to be an abusive jerk instead.
There is nothing for you to save, you did nothing wrong. You were much stronger than other women.... a lot of people would have stayed, but things would have continued to have gone down hill.....
You're mourning for the man you THOUGHT you had... not for the guy who is actually there.
Mourn, be upset, be overwhelmed.
But don't let this period make you forget what he's really like.... that's NOT love.... he is not worth your love.
There is absolutely NOTHING "pathetic" or embarassing about you being a strong woman who left a terrible, abusive situation and needs to stay with her father for a bit. Try not to be hard on yourself. I admire you SO much for being able to have the strength to do this, I'm sure your friends and family feel the same way.
Megan sometimes you need to take a step back, get your sh!t together to be able to move forward. I didn't want to move back home after my failed abusive relationship but I did for the support and being surrounded by people who loved me. Give it 6 months, you'll be back on your feet in no time ready to move on. Don't think of it as being pathetic or being disgusted with yourself for having to take a step back. Trust me in the end it'll all be worth it and you'll be happy you took the steps you did!
MEGAN!! Everyone who is reading this probably wants to hug you, and then shake you! I hope you read and reread kitty's post - she nailed the points on first strike. You didn't "throw away" your marriage over something small. What woman thinks her husband is going to hit her? Not many of those who finally make it to a shelter. Then does it become "it didn't leave any marks" ... to "he didn't hit me on my face, just my arm" ... to "he said he was really sorry" - it just would never end. Life is short. Don't assume it'd be the same old routine back home - it would just keep escalating into more and more misery and pain - for you and anyone else whose brought into that house.
You've probably made him the most proud in his life with your recent actions. I know I would be.
