I have thought of you all day!! and just now read every single post and EVERYONE has given such thoughtful good advice. Although I was truly very scared when I read you went back by yourself, I admit I was not trusting the neighbor! So glad it was a safe though petrifying experience.
I DO so hope that the neighbors are trustworthy!!! imagine the horror if soon-ex finds out they have the kitties, and uses them as leverage.
We are all thinking of you and praying for you , honey!!
You guys, I'm losing my resolve. He texted me and said he was packing my stuff. The last 24 hours, *I* had the control because I was the one who left. Now he's the one who's "leaving," he had the final word. And that has just wrecked me. I fell right into the trap he layed. I asked him if we could talk when we were calm tomorrow. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. We had a text volley of things like "I've lost all respect for you" and me saying "I know we can make this work, we just need to talk." That's exactly what he wanted. I did it, I knew I would, I lost my strength.
The magnitude of the heartbreak is starting to set in. Before I was running on adrenaline. I was angry, ashamed, anxious, proud, relieved, strong, etc that I had gotten out, but now I'm facing the big picture. Now I'm just being swallowed up by sad. Surprise surprise, I do indeed love my husband and somewhere maybe not so deep down in my heart I want my marriage to work. The fact that "all is lost" on that front is heartbreaking. I feel no anger or vindication about the loss of the husband I loved (the good part of him) and the impossible concept of us having a happy future together...just an incredible sadness.
I logically know that leaving and not looking back is the right thing to do. But my brain cannot convince my heart that this is the only way that it can be. There's a brain/heart disconnect that's so hard to overcome. Kind of like a brain/tummy disconnect when your brain is telling you you don't need the chocolate because you just ate a good meal and it will just make you fat but your tummy says gimme the chocolate!
It's my 23rd birthday in less than a week. (Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...) When I was grabbing my things, I saw a big wrapped birthday present under the bed and that was the initial pang of sadness. Because I know that under all his emotionally abusive controlling behavior, there is the good man that I feel in love with who loves (or at least loved) me back. And I'll be leaving him behind also.
Ugh, I'm still exhausted. I thought about Tylenol PM, but sometimes it has the total opposite effect for me and gives me a jittery skin-crawling awful feeling instead of helping me sleep. I may look into getting some Ambien, Lord knows I need it, but I just can't get myself to go wait in the hospital (the only way I could get it with Army healthcare) for it. Takes too much energy when I need to save every drop that I have. But I wish I had something to help me calm down. I've had maybe 10 hours of sleep in the last three days, and I can feel my body being exhausted, but the thought of lying still in a dark room with only my thoughts is just unappealing. Perhaps I was strong for leaving, but looking at me now you wouldn't see any strength. I'm shakey, my eyes are grossly swollen and red, I can't even explain how jumpy and tense I am. I'm not afraid he's going to smash down my motel room door or anything, I'm just so full of nerves and strained that I'm not processing normal stimuli normally. Cars passing me on the road and the toilet flushing make me jump as if somebody had snuck up behind me.
I'm just...I dunno. Not dealing with it well right now.
My heart hurts so much for you. I can't imagine being in the position you are in, and the struggle it is for you right now. I am so sorry you're going through this.
I know that you love him (and I do understand that!), and he may believe that he loves you too. But what he has been showing you is not love. It is control, possession, ownership, manipulation, and abuse. Not that it would be any easier to resist emotionally, but right now he should be BEGGING you to return to him. That is what a man who loved his wife above all else would do. Were he emotionally stable and full of adoration and respect for you, unable to imagine his life without you in it, he would be willing to do anything and everything in his power to change his behavior and prove to you that he can love you as you deserve to be loved and treat you as you deserve to be treated - with respect.
But that hasn't been his response at all. Instead, he's putting you down (telling you that he's lost all respect for you? HE has lost respect for YOU?? are you kidding me???), and he's manipulating you.
DO NOT LET HIM. His response to this situation demonstrates that he is exactly as you have come to believe. He's ANGRY, not devastated. And if you return, do not doubt that he will make you pay for having done this to him. Things will not be better, they will be worse.
Please, please, please don't put yourself in that situation. Get out of town, go stay with your dad, be around people who know you and love you and support you. Put some space between yourself and your husband. Take time to think and sleep and take care of yourself before you speak to him again - by text or otherwise. I have never been in your situation, but I can imagine it might feel next to impossible to truly leave. However, if give yourself some space and time to think about what you really need and what is really best for YOU, you may find you have an easier time maintaining that incredible strength that enabled you to leave in the first place.
Stop it. Right now. Don't respond to his texts, don't respond to his calls. Stop giving him control over your emotions. Him packing your things doesn't mean anything except him trying to control you. You've let him do it before, and now he knows all your buttons. Deep down, you want him to be devastated that you're leaving. You want to see proof of his love through his heartbreak. He knows this, and he's never going to let you have it. Instead, he's going to twist this into him leaving you, and you begging him to take you back. If you don't stop yourself, you'll do it. From there, things will only get worse. He willl take more and more control until there is nothing left of you. You know this. Don't give him an inch.
This man broke an end table. What if it was your arm?
He hit your cats. You let him. In his mind, at some point, you'll let him hit you too.
When his world should have been crashing down around him, he was calm, collected, unaffected. He talked on the phone with his parents like any other afternoon while his wife was walking out the door and leaving him. This is not normal. Certainly not the sign of someone with a normal attachment to his wife. One of the reasons he's so calm? He doesn't think you're going to leave.
This is three and a half months into marriage. It will not get better from here. Look at the conflicts you've had and how's handled them- he had manipulated you. He has made you feel less than him. If you stay, in less than a year, you will start to feel worthless. Which will be perfect for him.
Think of it this way, the man you fell in love with has died. He is gone. You are going to mourn this loss, that's normal and it would be unhealthy if you didn't. However, if your husband had died in a freak twinkie related accident, would you run to comfort yourself in the arms of another man? No. Then don't run into the arms of this stranger because you're missing the man you used to love.
Stay strong. Take care of you. Get as much physical and emotional distance as you can, and fast. Get your babies and go.
Oh hun, I'm so sorry. I've just sat and read all your posts and I remember some of your threads in the past. I just want to give you a big *hug* and say that you are doing the right thing by getting out NOW. I see you're having some second thoughts, please don't let them get the better of you! Remember the fear you felt going back to your own home, that is NOT ok. And please, please, please...I am a HUGE cat lover...anyone that will treat your beloved animals like that is not worth the time of day. I can see how much you love your girls from your posts-listen to them. They're hissing at him for a reason!
My dad called and asked how I was doing. I told him about the texts and how I was mad at myself for responding. And my dad said "Don't answer anything from him...even if he sends a g*dd*mn smoke signal!" It made me laugh. My dad's ability to inject witty humor into the most miserable moments without being tacky is amazing. I'd like to think that I inherited a bit of that sense of humor and that keeps me going. Even with all of this crud the last few days, I've been able to sit back and laugh about some things. (Like my oatmeal with no toothbrush).
It's midnight...I'm practically dizzy with exhaustion. Lights off, laying in bed, I had the computer shut completely down. Can. not. sleep.
Megan, you are so strong for having left. You are still strong, and you can stay away. Think again about him hitting your innocent cats. That could have been you, or even worse, it could be your future children. You need to give yourself some space and time to breathe. Can you go stay with family? You don't have to make any decisions about "forever" right now, but right now being around this man is dangerous for you - whether he physically hurts you or not, he's beaten you down so much that you're secretly drinking, when you have a history of alcoholism in your family. This is not safe for you in any way.
Megan, I haven't read this book, but I've seen it highly recommended on another board I post on to women who are living wiht/trying to end things with abusive men. I thought I'd pass on the recommendation - maybe you can use something to read right now http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-Th.../dp/0425191656
Most of the Residence Inn hotels and TownePlace Suites hotels (both Marriott brands) allow one or two small pets, and both are relatively inexpensive. Both brands also have small furnished kitchens in each room, with a full size refrigerator.
Just a thought if you need to stay somewhere a few more days, or need to look for hotels on a drive back to where your family lives.
I agree with EVERYTHING SouthLake said, down to the letter!!
Do NOT let him do this to you. You are completely correct when you say you've walked into his trap.
Stay strong. He's manipulating you. Chances are, he hasn't packed a thing. And if he has? GREAT! Less for you to pack. This is just his way of taking your power from you. The thing is, he CAN'T take it from you. You still have the power to give yourself what you need.
I wish I could be there. As weird as that sounds, I know exactly what you are going through and I wish I could be there to help you through this. Stay strong! Don't play his games. I promise, PROMISE you, if you start ignoring his texts and calls, he'll go RIGHT BACK to calling you names and being hateful. Be strong. You can do it.
Last edited by Pint Sized Terror; 03-22-2011 at 01:52 AM.
Oh Megan...I'm so sorry. I was late to see this thread also, but I read every post. Please don't go back to him. It's not going to get better. No one has the right to treat you this way. NO ONE! If he is capable of hitting an innocent animal, that is a serious sign of trouble. Please reread your own posts and take to heart what everyone has said. It is all excellent advice. I too feel like I have gotten to know you through your posts and you are an intelligent, beautiful person. There is a great life waiting for you, but this situation, unfortunately, is not it.
Hugs to you. I hope you're able to get some sleep!
Everyone has already said what came to mind while I was reading your last post, Megan.
This is going to be a difficult process. Something made you leave in the first place, right? Try to remember why. Write it down on paper if you need to. Remember that you were fearful in your own home and that you were made to feel worthless.
It may be that your husband has good personality points. But what good does this do if all the warm, fuzzy parts of him are wrapped in barbed wire??
My suggestion is this -- turn off your phone for a period of time that you set yourself. 5 hours, 8 hours, 12 hours, whatever. Put it in your purse so you don't think about it. You need a clear head to make good decisions about your situation right now. Try to get some sleep and, if not that, some rest. Leave that phone turned off as long as you can. Try to get some perspective in the meantime.
He hit your cats. He broke a glass end table out of anger. He has anger problems and has had violent outbursts in my opinion, just not in terms of beating you. Those were warning signs so please don't ignore them.
I understand you love him. I am afraid for you. Consider that leaving him for your own good may temporarily break your heart. This is going to get more painful in the short-term. There's no sugar-coating that. But things will eventually improve, which is better than living your whole life looking over your shoulder in your own home!
I don't know what else to say. You can still control the outcome here. Put that ball back in your court by not answering calls/texts. So what if you had a momentary lapse in feeling strong? That's totally normal and don't let that get into your head.
If you had a daughter in the same situation you're in, what advice would you give her? Listen to your father.
See the situation for what it is:
Your husband is playing mind games and you're sleep deprived. Being sleep deprived will cause you to be easily manipulated.
Think of it this way, the man you fell in love with has died. He is gone. You are going to mourn this loss, that's normal and it would be unhealthy if you didn't. However, if your husband had died in a freak twinkie related accident, would you run to comfort yourself in the arms of another man? No. Then don't run into the arms of this stranger because you're missing the man you used to love.
Yes, good advice!
Sorry your having such a hard time right now. Tommorow might seem better for you. Nights are awful when your feeling bad and no one is up to talk you through it.
Take back your power. You never lost it. You didn't go running back to him. Just think of him as dead and do NOT text him or respond to ANY of his texts. Try going back with a friend to collect your kitty babies and personal stuff before he wrecks it.
Hopefully your sleeping well right now. :hugs
Stop it. Right now. Don't respond to his texts, don't respond to his calls. Stop giving him control over your emotions. Him packing your things doesn't mean anything except him trying to control you. You've let him do it before, and now he knows all your buttons. Deep down, you want him to be devastated that you're leaving. You want to see proof of his love through his heartbreak. He knows this, and he's never going to let you have it. Instead, he's going to twist this into him leaving you, and you begging him to take you back. If you don't stop yourself, you'll do it. From there, things will only get worse. He willl take more and more control until there is nothing left of you. You know this. Don't give him an inch.
This man broke an end table. What if it was your arm?
He hit your cats. You let him. In his mind, at some point, you'll let him hit you too.
When his world should have been crashing down around him, he was calm, collected, unaffected. He talked on the phone with his parents like any other afternoon while his wife was walking out the door and leaving him. This is not normal. Certainly not the sign of someone with a normal attachment to his wife. One of the reasons he's so calm? He doesn't think you're going to leave.
This is three and a half months into marriage. It will not get better from here. Look at the conflicts you've had and how's handled them- he had manipulated you. He has made you feel less than him. If you stay, in less than a year, you will start to feel worthless. Which will be perfect for him.
Think of it this way, the man you fell in love with has died. He is gone. You are going to mourn this loss, that's normal and it would be unhealthy if you didn't. However, if your husband had died in a freak twinkie related accident, would you run to comfort yourself in the arms of another man? No. Then don't run into the arms of this stranger because you're missing the man you used to love.
Stay strong. Take care of you. Get as much physical and emotional distance as you can, and fast. Get your babies and go.
This. I am just now coming across this thread, but have spent the last half hour or so catching up on it, and I agree with everything SouthLake has said since your update. Every word. I have been through a similar situation to you; my ex never got physically abusive, but every emotional and verbal sign was there, and I was with him for seven years...four of those as his wife, and - like yours - it was downhill from the moment we said "I do". I was your age pretty much exactly (it was three weeks after my 23rd birthday) before I told him we were done for good and that I was done with his ever-worsening alcoholism and his empty promises. They really will swear to you anything to keep you under their thumb, and they prey upon the fact that you still care for them despite it all. They count on it. But, you are so much safer now than before you got the nerve to leave. Stay strong and read and reread this whole thread until you regain your resolve. You ARE strong, and you've already begun to prove it. It may not feel like it now, but - and I speak from experience, much like so many else here - you will be SO much happier sooner than you think, and you'll look back and wonder why your willpower ever fluttered under his control. It will seem unfathomable, I promise you.
Also, I saw that you are in Oklahoma for the time being, and that Sean is in the Army. Are you stationed near Ft. Sill by chance? My DH is in the Army, and we are here in Oklahoma, as well. If you are indeed in the area, please do not hesitate to send me a message here or in the PMs if you need anything at all. I know we don't know each other and what you need right now is your own friends and family, but I am more than willing to be a friend for you right now until you are able to get home. I'd even be willing to send you my cell number in case you'd rather just have someone to call if you can't get a hold of anyone else. Either way, just let me know. My thoughts are with you!
P.S. I think your dad sounds like a pretty amazing guy who wants the best for his daughter and nothing less. You should, too.
I can't imagine being in the position you are in, and the struggle it is for you right now. I am so sorry you're going through this.
