I agree with all of the posters before. I'm so sorry for this situation.
You need to protect yourself! Please don't go into that house alone. People do stupid and dangerous things when they feel cornered and helpless. I don't want to happen to you. Hire movers to retrieve your stuff and get on a plane to see your family and friends. You need support and people around you in a time like this.
More thanks (I know that gets repetitive, but I can't say it enough)...
I'm still in hurry up and wait phase. There is one girl that I kind of sort of know who lives in my apartment building (she lives with her boyfriend who works with the husband). She is literally the only person that I have been able to establish some sort of acquaintance with since we've been here. I texted her about an hour ago, and haven't gotten a reply. She may be sleeping in, so I'm going to call her shortly. She's the only person, short of the police, that I can think of to go with me to get my things. I may just let her know when I'm going, and that she should check in with me if I don't call her within 30 min or so.
For some reason I'm having a mental block about calling the police to escort me. That just seems too extreme, even though it is probably the smart thing to do.
I need to be out of the room by noon, so I need to have something figured out by then. Whether it's just stuffing what I can in my little car and hightailing it back home or staying here for another night.
My emotions change by the minute, but at the moment I'm feeling more resolved. Last night, even though I had stormed out and said I was never going back, I didn't quite believe it. It was more like I was just making a statement and I'd want to work it out in the morning. Now, I have accepted that I don't WANT it to "work out" (not that I believe it could). Now I'm just bracing myself to begin the divorce process.
And a few of you have mentioned it...he is an Army officer (captain), and he just got back from Iraq in October. We lived together between October and when we got married in December, and while there was somewhat of an adjustment period when he first got back, there was none of the controlling abusive signs. The fit hit the shan once we said "I do." As far as PTSD goes, I can't possibly claim to know exactly what happened over there, but, I do know that he had an office job. His buddies who worked with him joke about how their most greusome war stories are when Burger King on the base was closed for a week. The area he was in was just not a conflict area, nor did he have any kind of combat job. He dealt with intel, so he knew what the bad guys were doing, which I'm sure was stressful work. But I just never thought they did anything that would result in PTSD. But again, I wasn't over there, there may be more to it.
I have left my abusive husband, too. But it took me 15 years and 4 kids to figure out what was going on. Over those years, I did a LOT of research.
I have a list of excellent books and web sites (some for you and one for your ex) that I give to my friends who are experiencing the same thing. I think these resources are important because unless someone has educated themselves on the topic, a lot of misunderstanding and bad advice may take place.
Be safe. Is there a family support counseling center on base that could advise you or send somone to accompany you to get your cats? I agree with Bargoo---these things can end badly, so be careful. I would NOT assume he went to work today.
Well if you know you want out then the rest is just details. I agree with others that have said you should not go back to the house alone. If you go on post there should be a location for the Family Advacacy Program. It's responsible for the prevention, intervention and treatment of families affected by abuse. They should be able to help you, and it will also give you someone to talk to and I know from experience when you're in a dark place it helps to be able to actually speak with someone and get things out. They may also be able to help you get your things without worrying about him being there.
I would still ask for a police officer. You can call the non-emergency line and ask for the officer in charge of the domestic violence unit. Our city has one. The assigned officers are experts and can give good guidance, make arrangements about an officer in the area to walk you over, and such. It's not too big of a deal to ask them and its alright to ask for help.
If you call the local shelter, they may have a spot for you to hang and get your mind together. Our local shelter is really pretty and they can give you some breathing space. They'll probably have a few resources you could check out while there, too.
Some ideas:
Make a list of the first priority things you need to pick up at home and figure where they are.
Consider taking copies of credit cards statements and other documents in your name or in shared accounts.
Consider your banking accounts, too.
Further down the list, you can make another list of lower priority things you'd like to take. If you bring boxes and packing tape, you can box up some stuff to mail at the post office.
You're in charge of yourself and making good decisions under all the pressure.
Well if you know you want out then the rest is just details. I agree with others that have said you should not go back to the house alone. If you go on post there should be a location for the Family Advacacy Program. It's responsible for the prevention, intervention and treatment of families affected by abuse. They should be able to help you, and it will also give you someone to talk to and I know from experience when you're in a dark place it helps to be able to actually speak with someone and get things out. They may also be able to help you get your things without worrying about him being there.
Yes, yes! That's the resource. Right now you have a ton of resources at your fingertips. Use them. That's what they are there for.
I agree. Don't go alone. And police take this kind of thing very seriously.
as to what to take. Only take what you can't replace. And pull some money out of the bank before he can move it.
if you have a passport take it
and if you happen to have the registered copy of the paper you signed at the wedding take that. If you don't it can be replaced so don't worry about it.
then just get in your car and put all this in your rearview mirror.
Do you have joint checking or savings accounts? Joint credit cards? Other joint financials?
The Family Advocate program person should be able to give you information about what your rights are wrt any of that, but in short, protect yourself. If you do not have a bank account in your name only, move that to the top of your list. Ditto a credit card. Get at least the bank account done TODAY. Move your money, and do whatever you need to do not to be liable for any charges he makes after today.
I tried to keep up with this thread a bit and read each of your posts. I think you did the best thing for yourself by leaving. I also think you should not rule out getting a police escort to get your stuff. This way, you can enter the home calmly and get your stuff, knowing that you're protected.
I'm not a legal expert, but be careful how much of the stuff you grab from the house. Since you haven't gone through the divorce and how property will be split yet, any stuff you take (meant for the two of you) may come back to bite you in the rear later.
Aside from what you've mentioned about documents you already got from the house, I would suggest making sure you have your W-2. I only remember that since it's almost tax season Other than that, make sure you have the paperwork or online passwords necessary to still do your banking. If you have personal checks, grab those too. If you have a cell phone charger still at the house, don't forget that! Since you're posting online it seems you grabbed your personal laptop, but just make sure you've grabbed your electronic stuff. Why not make a list before you go over there?
I don't think you should go to see your husband, personally. I don't think you should see him in person to talk, let him grovel, whatever. I feel very strongly about this. I think it would be asking for trouble, to be honest. At the very least, it may add fuel to the fire. If you want to talk with him, I would only do it over the phone, if that. But be careful, okay? You may feel like there's nothing in the world he could ever say to get you back, but just be prepared for it anyway.
Also, I recommend that you switch hotels or stay with family/friends and do not post your location here online. You use your real pic here on these online forums and mentioned a hotel that you are staying at. I know the chances are pretty slim that he'd know about this forum community and be able to find anything about you, but I don't think it's safe for now to post your whereabouts online.
I hope everything will cool down soon and I'm very sorry to hear you are going through this. Stay strong and please stay away from him.
Megan - best of luck to you in this situation and moving forward. I agree that it's in your best interest to have protection when you return to get your cats and your stuff ... hopefully they'll be able to go with you without too much delay. I'd hope upon hope he wouldn't hurt the cats or let them out, etc. to get back at You.
Get everything in one trip if you can at all ... good suggestions posted by folks here. And you're right in not wanting to subject yourself to him right now, either. (hope he won't be home for lunch) ... but he's not going to change overnight or in a month or six without help and that's even if he WANTS to change. So nothing would be different if he promises to treat you better and "just stay", etc.
Stay strong - and maybe you'd be able to get some sleep if you took a little benadryl tonight - it's not addictive and it helped me get through a tough death of a close friend when my mind just wouldn't turn off day/night. Obviously I'm not a medical pro, but my dr. had told me that it would be fine to take for a few weeks if needed. Luckily once I was able to sleep for a few nights, my mind stopping the incessant thinking of this and that and what ifs, etc.
I can't imagine anyone would be judgmental of you for any of this - those who matter to you will be the most supportive. Those who are not, begone.
Megan- huge hugs. I think you did the right thing in getting out of a bad situation. I've dealt with a verbally abusive live-in boyfriend for years before I had the courage to kick him out.
I strongly "second" the idea that you should, under no cicumstances, go to the house alone. You should have a police escort ideally. You have no idea if he is home (and, if he is, what state of mind he is in), if he changed the locks, etc. Please, please don't go alone. I would imagine he would try to stay home to catch you come back for the cats today. Not sure if he can call in sick, etc.
If the destruction you mentioned is still present (the table he shattered) and you have a camera...take a picture. Be careful what you take and take only what you need (that said, if you have a joint bank account be careful...he may try to take all the money out of it to leave you with no options). Make sure you have enough money to get to your parents (with the kitty cats) and to support yourself for a month on your own if need be.
Also, does he know that you post here or do you have a computer he can access your web history on? If so, please be careful what you post. We are here to support you and your saftey is number one.
I don't know if this has been brought up yet or not but please take someone, anyone, with you when you go back to the apartment. One, he may snap. Two, he's likely going to be apologetic and beg for your forgiveness and that can be hard to stand up when you're not yet emotionally stable. Continue to take care of yourself!
Never mind! Just read your post up-thread. Yeah, take the girl!
Good for you for leaving. I agree with the others to not go to your apartment alone.
You have left a scary situation. Don't make the mistake of giving him another chance. Let me tell you from experience -- they don't change!!
Get out now and don't look back.
Other than that, make sure you have the paperwork or online passwords necessary to still do your banking. If you have personal checks, grab those too. If you have a cell phone charger still at the house, don't forget that! Since you're posting online it seems you grabbed your personal laptop, but just make sure you've grabbed your electronic stuff. Why not make a list before you go over there? 
