Megan I am so sorry. I have been away from 3FC for a few days due to travel. You did the right thing by leaving.
My daughter went through the same thing. She married an airforce man in August of 2009 after a 1 year courtship. When I asked her if she was doing the right thing she said he was so sweet and treated her better than any guy ever had. He flew to ND to move her out to DC in January of 2009. They married in August.
She reported that things changed right away. He became very emotionally and verbally abusive. She was contantly trying to please him. She blew the leaves on their large wooded lot to surprise him and make him happy instead he came home before she was done. He grabbed the blower and started blowing the leaves around ripped into her on the front lawn telling her how stupid she was and that she couldn't do anything right. Then told her to start again and do it right this time.
He did not do house work either did his roomate another service guy that had been living with him since he bought his house yet he would scream, yell and call her names for cleaning wrong. When she told him to clean his own damn house if he could do it so well he started throwing things like expensive gifts and breaking them.
She didn't tell us what was happening until her twin sister was visiting and witnessed it that winter. He threw her out in a snow storm where they got
26" of snow right after she had shoveled their long driveway by herself. She did it wrong of course.
She went to a motel and he begged her to come back and she did to give him one last try. She said she felt like a failure only being married 6 months. He promised counseling, to take his name off her bank account and no more fighting. He did nothing. He did lie and say he had taken his name off the account and was getting counseling at the base. Well nothing changed.
When his rage episodes continued she told him it wasn't working and he became phyically aggressive took her house and car keys and locked her out. He had traded her car for a new one and put it into his name. He had two other new vehicles and told her he wanted her driving a nicer vehicle. Well she ended up with no vehicle. She knew no one as they never went out and she worked from home on the computer.
She came home and said she felt embarrased and ashamed. It didn't last long. She could finally relax and had her friends around her. She stated she wished she had left sooner and is angry at herself for letting him treat her that way. She now realizes how dangerous his behavior was and how the longer it continued the weaker she got.
They are officially divorced now. He had the divorce papers delivered on her birthday. THey tried to keep in touch but he continued the abuse over the phone and in texts. He said he told his friends and relatives that she left and took all his money. She told him that was OK because she was telling her friends and relatives that he was a control freak and was abusive. He would call her and tell her that he had one of their dogs put down. Then he would forget and say that he had sold it to law enforcement as a police dog. The point is she got that he was dishonest about everything and she wasn't crazy. She cut off all contact.
Last edited by kittycarlson; 03-22-2011 at 01:35 PM.
I am so worried for you. Can your dad fly in and help you drive back home ? Get your cats , I do not trust the situation they are in, remember they are in the home of another military man, they are closer to each other than blood brothers, even if they do not work together. I truly believe your physical safety is at stake. Do you have a joint bank account , take out half of it so you have funds to travel. Do you have joint credit cards, get a cash advance for half or what is available and call your dad and ask him to come and help you. I do not think you are emotionally or physically up to making a long drive, besides it is not safe for a woman to driving long distances alone. I don't want to be an alarmist but I am really worried for your safety.
remember they are in the home of another military man, they are closer to each other than blood brothers, even if they do not work together.
I have to somewhat disagree with this. There aren't a whole lot of soldiers out there who will tolerate domestic violence for a few reasons. One, it's just wrong. Things can escalate and TRUST me, no soldier wants to be an active player in that. They're more apt to nip it in the bud, either cutting off communication with the trouble maker or trying to keep the parties involved apart.
However, there are soldiers out there who will know of a domestic situation and ignore it completely out of fear of being involved. "It's none of my business" is a common phrase regarding this situation. Often times, people see the warning signs but ignore it out of fear of causing workplace tension or drama. Unfortunately, this often results in an escalation of events and people get hurt.
I would have to say rare is the soldier who would actively TRY to make a domestic situation worse. Not getting involved is one thing, standing up for a violent coworker is another, and it it looks REALLY bad on the soldier standing up for the abuser.
She should still try to put as much distance between herself and her husband as possible. People talk, and I'm 100% sure people her husband works with is aware of the situation, possibly even the fact that her cats are with a neighbor. Talk can get back to her husband very quickly and that can put you (OP) in a difficult situation.
Last edited by Pint Sized Terror; 03-22-2011 at 10:56 AM.
She should still try to put as much distance between herself and her husband as possible. People talk, and I'm 100% sure people her husband works with is aware of the situation, possibly even the fact that her cats are with a neighbor. Talk can get back to her husband very quickly and that can put you (OP) in a difficult situation.[/quote]
This is exactly what I was trying to convey. Apparently I did not make myself clear.
megan i beg of you, do not go back to him. After this things will just escalate faster then before because you hurt his pride or sense of manliness and he will want revenge and will realize he needs to break you down more to keep you under his thumb. This may mean a quick escalation to violence towards you instead of your cats or objects.
Noone on this board wants to see you put yourself in that situation, we care about you. If he truley cared about you he wouldnot have it in him to treat you in this way. The man you fell in love with was nothing more then an elaborate act. He was playing a part to get what he wanted. Just as he is doing now, he wants you back under his control. Not because he loves you, rather because he veiws you as a possesion. So he is saying what he knows will get to you the most.
You need to cut off contact. Id advise calling your cell provider and blocking his number and sending any number you dont recognize straight to voicemail then deleting without listening.
also, please please please do not go back home alone or go to see him in a place that isnt crowded with people because as he realizes you are truley leaving he will get angrier and angrier. This can too often lead to murder, my best friend was raised by her grandmother because of this exact situation. Her mothers boyfriend had never so much as hit her but he stabbed her, cut up her body, and dumped it in the desert.
Please stay safe none of us here want to hear of something similar happening to you
I'm sure everything we're all writing sounds so dire to you - and you're probably thinking, well, he's not all THAT BAD.
But as you reflected earlier and someone brought up - remember your feelings going back into your "home" then - and how it couldn't be your home when you were afraid to be there. There's a reason for that.
Keep us posted - hopefully we'll hear next that your dad is on his way to meet you and bring you and your kitties home to be with the support you need right now.
Please take a look at the sheer-number of people who are concerned about you. Look at what they are all saying. All of us were constantly checking on you for the last 24+ hours. Do you think we would react like that if we thought you were safe?
This is a real, true concern. Please, please keep yourself safe. Think of it this way, if you get back home to your family, you will have a chance to think. Then, if you feel there is something in the relationship to save... you can contact him and try to work things out.
Right now, virtually everyone is worried that he will take out his anger on you. We are scared for you. Can all these people be wrong?
Megan, just saw this thread this morning. I'm thinking about you and hoping that everything is OK. What you wrote about how he treated your cats shocked me. I actually gasped out loud. That is scary, scary behavior. Please put some distance between you and get some counselling. I am very concerned about you.
You need to cut off contact. Id advise calling your cell provider and blocking his number and sending any number you dont recognize straight to voicemail then deleting without listening.
I agree completely, though I would go even further. For about $50 at wal-mart you can get a pre-paid phone with unlimited calling and texting. Go get one and only give the number to your father and others that you KNOW you can trust. Turn the other phone off and leave it off. I'm sorry, but I would not include his parents in the list of safe people.
I have an abusive ex. It began with verbal things. It then moved to him throwing things. Next he hit the dog. When he was taken to jail after our last fight he had beaten me so badly that after seeing what I looked like the officers who picked him up didn't even let him get shoes or a shirt. It was New Year's Eve, granted we were in North Florida, but still. Even after that it was really hard for me to actually leave him. It was hard for me to leave the sweet guy that I thought was inside. On our second date, he literally saved my life when I was drugged at a club. These days I wonder if the drugging wasn't set up all along because I later found out he abused his ex before me too. At this point I do not regret leaving in the slightest, but there are many women who regret not leaving. Do not let that become you. Do not go back to him.
I will have to disagree with the notion that military men put loyalty to each other before the protection of an abused spouse. I was a military child and I am now a military wife, and that is just not so. Does it happen, well yes, but it happens outside of the military too. It is actually less likely within the military because they can get reprimanded for doing nothing when they know of an abusive situation. I would move the cats if at all possible though. Not out of distrust for the neighbor, but just because they are to physically close to the husband.
How soon can your father get to you? Call him and tell him to come asap. There is nothing wrong with needing his help, that doesn't make you weak. There is nothing wrong with occasionally hiding behind your daddy when needed, that's what daddies are for, ask any father and he will tell you that. Also, unless the army works MUCH differently than the air force, whoever you talked to at the FAP is full of it. Whenever there is a domestic abuse issue (and it does not have to be physical) and an active duty person is involved they are not only allowed to help, they must. Call them back and if you are told they can't help then you ask to talk to someone else until you get someone to help you. You can also call a base chaplain and they will help you regardless of whatever your religion may be. You can also use military one source - 800-342-9647. I'm not sure what the term is in the army, but in the air force a spouse can also contact the active duty person's 1st Sergeant. That's the senior ranking member of a squadron and is responsible for things like morale and watching for signs of problems (including problems at home). I'm sure the army has someone who does this, I just don't know what he'd be called, I know that the army uses "1st Sergeant" for something different.
Please don't go back to him. Don't let him manipulate you. You have your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn't have to put up with this crap. I hope you can get your dad to pick you up.
I've been keeping up with this thread since you posted two nights ago. I hope you're safe right now. As jojotheyoyo said, we are all very concerned here. Keep us posted.
Hey, Megan! I just wanted to post again since so much has happened since I did last. Please, please, please listen to all the good advice that you're getting on this thread. Don't go back to him. Don't communicate with him. Don't allow him to manipulate you or the situation.
Of course there were good things about your relationship and good things about him. Your ex isn't evil incarnate, and of course there are things about him which you will miss, whether they were real or projected personality traits. And that's one of the hard things about your situation - as much as you think about it, you might never be able to completely understand him or understand what happened. But there are some things that are undeniably clear. He is violent. He does not treat you with respect. He has no qualms about harming living beings. His behavior will almost certainly escalate into physical violence against you. Being around him has made you so uncomfortable that it has affected your eating habits and you have started secretly drinking even though alcoholism runs in your family.
If you go back to him, there will probably be a few good moments every now and again. But they won't last, and they won't make up for the ever-increasing tension which you will face. And the worst of it is that you won't respect yourself. You already have said that you know that walking away and never looking back is the right thing to do. If you stay, despite knowing that, you will feel badly about yourself, your judgment, and your decisions every day. And that's really no way to live.
I think you need to find something that will force you to stay away from him, no matter how much you want to go back. For me, when I was in a similar situation, that meant telling my family and my friends exactly what had happened, in detail. It was humiliating and distressing. I felt ashamed to admit that I had stayed in such a horrible situation for so long. I was embarrassed that I had ignored early warning signs. It wounded my pride to admit that I hadn't really known the person to whom I engaged myself. And I was so sad and so stressed that I kept having anxiety attacks all over the place, which made me feel weak and pathetic. I hate letting people in, really in, and sharing so many personal things with others was really difficult. But in the end, it was the one thing that helped me the most. Not because of the support, not because of the love which with everyone really did shower me, but mostly because I knew that I could never, ever go back to him without losing the respect of everyone else that I cared about. In my mind, to be duped once was forgivable, even understandable. But none of my friends or family members would have understood if I went back to him, and I think I would have been too ashamed of myself to keep in touch with them if I did. By telling the whole story to the people close to me, I created a situation in which going back to him would mean losing everything else I cared about in my life. And that was what kept me from doing so.
I don't know if the above would necessarily work for you, but I do urge you to find some sort of barrier that will keep you away from him, even if you do keep in touch. I broke down and contact my ex many, many times, but having told the whole story to everyone kept me from physically (or even completely emotionally) going back to him. It helped that I lived in a different state. Maybe that would be a good first step for you. Get back home, look for a job, think about grad school. Start the official divorce paperwork as soon as you possibly can. And find that thing that will keep you from ever going back to him, even in your most vulnerable moment.
I hope that this helps you in some way. I've thought about you all day, and I hope that you are alright. Stay strong.
I haven't read the whole thread, but I just wanted to say I am so very sorru this has turned out this way for you.
I remember reading your engagement thread and feeling so happy for you - you looked so happy and beautiful.
But I also glanced through your older threads and noticed there was one after you had been seeing each other for about a year when you posted about his behaviour too.
You are such a strong lovely girl, I am sure you will find someone who is deserving of your love! (((hugs)))
