Well, I will be posting my monthly weight lose on Monday and it is going to be very disappointing. I feel like I have let my group down. I am accustomed to letting myself down so I am living with that. Ouch! That sounds pathetic!
I am more than ever determined to think, behave and eat like a thin person. I once was a very thin person long long ago. I only began to turn to food during a bad second marriage in the 1980s. Unfortunately, of all the habits that I once had, that one had to take root and grow! I might be getting this wrong but I believe that the way to being "naturally thin" again is to put all of this in reverse. In other words, do the opposite of what I have been doing!
For example, I blew this past month BUT I have three more days of February and I am not going to give those three days away. I am also not going to overcompensate and "undereat/over exercise" which is the same as being out of control but just wearing different clothes. No, for next three days I am going to have moderation in thought and behavior. After all, that is all that separates the "normal" eaters of this world and the "nots".
I am determined to crack this code if it is the last thing I do. I just will not accept defeat in this...no matter, how self-sabotaging I can be.
So, that is my big Credit Moi for the day. For all of you, whom I recognize your names by now; God bless on moving, calving, taking care of ankles and feet, decluttering and regrouping after your personal disappointments this week. I have read them all. If someone can show me how to speedily response with highlighted names, that would be great. I just want you to know that I know who you are and what you are presently dealing with.
I finally braved weighing myself after my week off and several days to let that settle out. And I weigh about what I have all year. Except, I just looked at the trend line in my spreadsheet for the first time and it's pointing down! I should quit worrying about this so much. One of the reasons I went off the rails for a week was the sense that I wasn't getting anywhere. But I am, it's just slow and with lots of fluctuations so it's not that easy to spot.
WI: +0.3kg, Exercise: +60* 1045/1300 minutes for February, Food: 85%op, Read my Advantages and Responses: yes
Shepherdess: so sorry about your loss of Clyde. That is very sad.
Lexxiss: I love how you're using the Beck skills as an anchor in a difficult time -- very inspiring!
Beverlyjoy: hugs! Feeling frazzled, confused, and down seems quite normal in your situation. I always feel a bit let down after Disney, anyway, and I haven't done it in the midst of the kinds of life crises that you're facing right now.
ChefJoona: yay for using this thread as a way to stay connected even when everything else seems to be fraying. It works that way for me.
jicarilla: yes! Accepting slow weight loss as a success instead of a failure has made persistence and consistency over time possible for me.
onebyone: wow, what wonderful ways you have of dealing with your mother. I'm so impressed.
pamatga: yay for finding the place of moderation! I don't know about speedy, but I type up my post in the Notepad application on my computer while reading the thread. Once pasted into 3FC, I can double-click on each name and hit the B in the tool bar to make them bold. That gives me a chance for a quick proof-read, too.
Just a quick check-in before I get to this writing. I wanted some encouragement, so I just read all of your posts. I'm absorbing the amazing energy this thread provides. Thank you, all.
Credits (yesterday): exercise (really intense, working off anger in a good way); saying NO to the pizza I bought without thinking; planning a thai food treat; coming here; committing to a writing plan for today that focuses on quantity, not quality.
GOAL, beginning NOW: write five pages. As soon as I meet this goal, I'm stopping. The faster I write (instead of agonizing in a fit of perfectionism), the sooner I can work out and play UNO with the DGS.
Good Morning! Trouble with my computer so I can only read Gardenerjoy and Pagmata. I feel, though, that I don't have to hear anymore. They both said exactly what I am feeling. Like Gardenerjoy, I have been off and on for a week. Yesterday , I broke a 3 day streak of OP to eat chocolate in response to the "bottom falling out" of my mood doing dance duty. I had been determine to go a week strictly as written in my daily plan. I am so close to goal and feeling like I am getting nowhere. But my tracking shows a consistent 2 pounds down each month despite fluctuations. I have to trust the process. Credit writing here today when I feel like eating instead. Credit getting out of the house with DS so I can go buy the food that is on my plan for lunch. Baby steps. As Pagmata said, "I will crack this code." I have come to far to not live my dream of life in the 140s.
Hello everybody -- Its Saturday night in London, and I spent most of today writing a lecture about 'the meditative lyric' and marking essays, and I was feeling great in my seat in the British Library, with a shawl around me and my computer, and having been very OP all day....then I came home and had a good supper and then, like The MadWoman of the Barbican, I rushed out and bought a ham sandwich and stuffed it down my gullet. I have got to pull myslf together. I have been reading everyone's posts and it does give me hope -- everybody has difficulties and yet I can see that so many of us are still working our programmes. AM hoping my kitchen will clean itself up overnight tonight.
Lethargic in London, Ruby.
I have been searching for the best word to describe my state today and here it is: wea·ry
/ˈwɪəri/ Show Spelled [weer-ee] Show IPA adjective, -ri·er, -ri·est, verb, -ried, -ry·ing.
–adjective
1.physically or mentally exhausted by hard work, exertion, strain, etc.; fatigued; tired: weary eyes; a weary brain. yes
2.characterized by or causing fatigue: a weary journey. yes
3.impatient or dissatisfied with something (often followed by of ): weary of excuses. yes
4.characterized by or causing impatience or dissatisfaction; tedious; irksome: a weary wait. yes
–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)
5.to make or become weary; fatigue or tire: The long hours of work have wearied me. yes
6.to make or grow impatient or dissatisfied with something or at having too much of something (often followed by of ): The long drive had wearied us of desert scenery. We had quickly wearied at such witless entertainment. yes
Wow coaches. I can identify with nuance of this word.
Right now I am plain old achey as well: left knee but behind the knee msucles, right ankle at the front, right bicep area-rotator cuff, general achiness all over and sort of sniffliness. Fatigue.
Weariness big time.
Foodwise, I had two moderate plates at the buffet and one serving of dessert. I consider this a moderate success at best. It was delicious though I have to say. My mom enjoyed her time out but I felt we cut it short. Oh well I guess. We do what we can eh?
I am fighting the ugly perfection monster in everything I do right now: cleaning/packing/eating/planning/visiting folks - everything. It's really a challenge to say "No, this IS good enough and that's okay." The impulse to beat myself up is very strong in me, especially when I have fallen off track with a plan, as in my clean up/zone plan this week. I won't be 100% on track with that until Monday. But really, it doesn't mean the plan is no good. It means I do what I can when I can and I recognize "progress not perfection" is my goal.
Okay. Off to see what DH is doing down in the basement...
Diet Coaches/Buddies - Eating wandered a bit as I had fresh croissants for breakfast with a friend, but it's an old ritual and we don't do it often. CREDIT moi for an otherwise OP day.
Walked to Whole Foods for peanut butter from their grinding machine. Then walked to Trader Joe's to replenish my supply of tree nuts: roasted unsalted almonds, whole walnut halves, and pecan halves. Also grabbed two bunches of daffodils for DW who longs for her spring garden. CREDIT moi for the walk and for the wholesomeness even if I felt a tad self righteous.
onebyone - My readings suggest that you're spot on in understanding that your visits slip warm feelings into your mom - right underneath her Alzheimers even though she doesn't remember their origin. Ouch for your wea·ry. Smart goal, "progress not perfection" for barreling through a zillion small decisions between you and setting up your new home and studio.
Joy (gardenerjoy) - Downward trend sounds reassuring. Yay for accepting that "slow" is acceptable progress.
Beverlyjoy - Ouch for a rough week - sending my supportive thoughts your way as you work through the "layered" decisions in your life.
Debbie (Lexxiss) - Continuing to send supportive thoughts as your Best Man's accident accident remains in your thinking. [Cookbooks from the library sounds fun - and fun again when you can return them.]
MaryContrary - "UNO with the DGS" is the kind of reward worth focusing on writing quantity to get to. Good choice.
maryann - Yep, "I have to trust the process." Thanks for the reminder that it's the process that we can control - results will follow on their own schedule.
ChefJoona - Honking Kudos for standing down the Sabotaging Thought "giving up on the program."
Ruby (RubyJan) - Such great visuals in your writing; we've got to commission onebyone to paint the contents of your brain, LOL. google took 'the meditative lyric' and returned both Robert Frost and Frank Sinatra; I was offended - don't belong on the same page. Ouch that "The MadWoman of the Barbican" ate a ham sandwich during your watch.
pamatga - Yay for "moderation" when the brain is screaming for exaggerated action to recover, or outright abandonment. It does seem to help to take distance from the scale weight; your body will find its level.
Sharon (jicarilla) - Neat that you've been doing Beck for over a year now. With Kudos for your attitude in, "My weight loss is slow, but I am focused on continuing."
Readers -
Quote:
chapter 2 Experience the Difference
The Beck Diet for Life Program can help you in other ways, too, since I have found that dieters often derive unexpected benefits. For example, you can:
Learn how to get yourself to do other tasks you tend to avoid. Many dieters have told me that they've used the skills in this plan to accomplish numerous tasks, such as sticking to a budget, being more productive at work, maintaining a more organized household, and doing self-care activities. As you better organize yourself for dieting and maintaining, you will learn to better organize you life - period. . . .
Judith S. Beck, Ph.D, The Complete Beck Diet for Life (Green book), pg 24.
My plan took a twist yesterday and I ate 3x my afternoon snack (*credit* for weighing it and logging it) before acknowledging that it was "tired". I went for a nap and slept all the way through dinner...some 14 hours which is unheard of for this recovering insomniac. My missed dinner did balance out my calories. I have a better plan for today and want to stick to it. I truly missed my healthy dinner and my snacking just wasn't worth it.
BillBlueEyes, *credit* for recognizing that some old rituals are OK...and others are not. Yay for daffodills to brighten DW's day. Thanks, as always, for your Beck post. I was talking to DH this morning about my Beck program because he wondered why I was so busy typing so early in the morning. We discussed the organization factor...I said I wasn't sure if it was discussed specifically in the books and *voila* there it is, Chapter 2, "As you better organize yourself for dieting and maintaining, you will learn to better ortanize your life-period." Remembering how I got to this forum was through a decluttering thread started by onebyone.
Beverlyjoy, sending supportive thoughts while you make decisions about your foot/ankle surgery and your sister's recovery. Your statement, "I have not run away from here" continues to be very powerful. Yes, friend, keep trying.
ChefJoona, *credit* for challenging your sabotaging thought which encouraged you to give up on your program. BTW-We shared breakfast yesterday, eggs with dry rye toast.
jicarilla, acknowledging your discouragement with your WL last week as unrealistic expectations is valuable. *credit* for staying on your diet for over a year without giving up and focusing on continuing.
onebyone, sending supportive hugs as you continue to feel weary. *credit* as you continue to "Persist to Victory".
pamatga, as I read your post, I want to encourage you to learn from us that your do not let this group down-ever. We are all on a personal journey, which happens, each at our own pace. Let your determination to think like a thin person carry you through another day. You have made a lot of progress this past month and I encourage you to focus on that.
gardenerjoy, great that you looked at your spreadsheet and recognized that it is pointing down! Slow and with lots of fluxuations IS still progress!
MaryContrary, "I can do it!" says lots! *credit* for standing down auto-pizza and instead planning a Thai treat.
maryann, ouch for chocolate in response to the "bottom falling out" but credit for recognition. *credit* for writing here instead of eating.
RubyJan, *credit* for coming here after gulping a ham sandwich. We have all done that and I always feel there is hope. Speaking of hope-hope your kitchen cleaned itself up overnight. lol Hope also, that a new day brings new energy for you.
Happy Academy Awards/ Oscar Day for all of you movie buffs out there!
Just did my Sunday weigh-in. No change up or down this week. Looking at that as a good thing, with how I'm struggling.
I did really well at the diner breakfast yesterday! Stuck to my plan of 2 eggs with dry rye toast. Enjoyed a great dinner out with my future in-laws (I have to say I am very lucky in that department. They are wonderful people and I am thrilled to soon be offically "joining" their family). I had a light side salad, one small piece of bread and a great vegetarian entree. Only tea and water to drink- not drinking my calories is a very easy rule for me to follow. No one had room for dessert at the restaurant....
My trouble came when DF and I got home and I started craving sugar. I went beyond just 1 treat from the Valentine's candy box and ended up making a big dessert. I just didn't listen to my No Choice! card taped to my kitchen cupboard. I guess its back to struggles during the after dinner hours... I have my safeguards in place, I just didn't abide by them.
We are having people over tonight to watch the Oscars. I'm planning on making a couple on plan snacks to have.
BillBE I am so envious of your close proximity to Whole Foods and Trader Joe's! We have a couple health food stores in my area, but none as wonderful as WF and TJ's!
I will concentrate on getting back on track. I will take my motivation from reading all of your posts, and know we are all in this together!
Complaining about the scale in my post is almost magic -- I almost always hit a new low shortly after and then feel silly about complaining! This new low put me in a new decade of kilograms (my scale is in kgs because that's how DH set it up). It takes a long time to get to a new kilogram decade so this feels like a big deal.
WI: -0.45kg (new low), Exercise: +95* 1140/1300 minutes for February, Food: 90%op, Read my Advantages and Responses: yes
Thanks, ChefJoona, for the Happy Oscar Day wish. Watching all those movies definitely ramped up my excitement for this evening!
Sunny this Sunday in California. I feel that this weekend has been more successful foodwise. I see progress. Although yesterday's food wasn't as written (over tasting a bread I made) I compensated for the calories, enjoyed OP dinner and had none of the self flagellation and remorse of past weekends. Maybe this is the transition into maintenance that I am looking for. Like BBE story of the croissant, I work the Beck program not in place of a life but to enjoy my life sanely. All in all, hovering a couple of pounds near my ticker weight which always is the case this TOM, and I am content. DH will take DS to the ranch and four wheel like maniacs while I correct papers for hours getting ready for report cards. It will be nice to get them done. RubyJan: LOL with BBE because I googled meditative lyric as well. I am an English teacher and could only guess at what they were. onebyone: I have been weary in my job this past season. What helps me walk through is knowing there is change on the other side if I continue to progress. Lexxiss: Congrats on a world record nap. That is information your body is giving you. gardenerjoy: Congrats on your new low. A great feeling. ChefJoona: Enjoy the Oscars. Ironically, I grew up in Malibu (fame city) but never watch. Celebrity doesn't impress me as much as the people writing in this blog.
OnebyOne said it so succintly that I couldn't add another word. I too am weary. I understand the weariness from moving which is one reason why every time our lease comes up for renewal we take one look at each other and shake our heads "No way!" The last time we moved was from one building to this one. That was three years ago. Only because we were booted out because the property management was in the midst of a major renovation. We did get a completely remodeled apartment out of the deal, which I promptly added my own stamp and re-painted/wallpapered and refurbished.
What I am weary from is being unemployed for 18 months and not any closer to knowing what I want to do than before. I gave up looking for work in what I used to do a year ago. I'm taking an evening course which is self-paced but I need to take the risk and test on the material I have been cramming in my brain. I am so conflicted about this and I have been since I began.
Amazingly, we have managed to adapt our once two income lifestyle to one income but I feel huge amounts of guilt that my husband is carrying this load all by himself. I am accustomed to carrying my weight (no pun intended) in our relationship and I feel like such a slacker. I envy people who know what they like to do and then go and do it. There are a lot of things that I enjoy doing but I wouldn't want to do them for pay. Does that make sense? I am really drowning in a lack of real purpose in my life so, in the meantime, I just do what I can and hope that the "answer" is somewhere soon to be found.
In the meantime, I want to get my "house" in order and that means getting this weight down, exercise consistent and "fix" this problem. I still may be undecided about what I want to be "when I grow up" but, at least, I'll be thin.
March is going to be a busy month and I am already feeling anxious about it.
Credit moi: for getting additional sleep although my bedtime has creeped back up to 2:30 am.
No added sweets yesterday except for the mixed berry multi grain oat cereal I love to have. No added sugar but it sure could fool you. Must be the berries.
Logged all the food I ate this past month in spite of the embarassment I felt in doing so.
My "friend" visited last night and I lost 4 lbs as a result. It might be my saving grace for a month of really challenging eating. Tomorrow I weigh in officially and yes March 1st is Tuesday. I figure it this way. New month and new opportunities to do my best.
Thanks MasonDixonMama, and congrats on the 15! Jmaf, I am right there with you, trying to increase the exercise. I think it helps keep me in my body even when I go off plan or binge, and it helps with my mood.
The last few days I have been having slip ups. I felt it happening, the old familiar behaviors, the internal struggle, all of it. I was losing the battle in my mind. Funny but true part of the story…. I was on my way to get something that was not on plan. I am in traffic, and look up, when what do I see but a sign about Impressionist and Post-Impressionist Artists. There is a famous image on the sign that I recognize. But then I think, it’s not that I just know it in general, I have seen it recently. Then I realize that this is where I've seen Van Gogh's self-portrait recently, in the Beck thread, avatar pic of BillBlueEyes. It was like a sign (ok both literally and figuratively ), reminding me that, hey this thing is out there, this thing can work, remember this thing, stop and think about what you are doing.
So even though I have not been successful in avoiding the slip ups these last few days, I took seeing that image as a sign, in the larger picture, that I am on a course that will help me, if I will stick with it. The book is like a roadmap of sorts, even addressing what I have been going through lately, and there are people here who have used it and been successful. If I keep reading the book, and keep learning the steps, and keep practicing, I will get there. I will have the tools and know how to use them.
So, my credits, even though part of me feels down:
I am reminding myself how important it is to give myself credit for the things I have done well, even though I have had slip ups, so that I don’t just focus on the negative and give up.
I got note cards and sticky notes and a travel photo album to carry the advantage cards and pics of important things that are reminders of why I am doing this.
I got out old photos of myself when I was at a healthy weight and put them out, to remind myself that it is possible to be there again, that I was there for most of my life, that it is not magic, and that it is not out of my reach. The basic rules of healthy eating and exercise do apply to me too, so I can stop fearing that there is something wrong with me that would prevent reaching and maintaining a healthy weight.
I have continued to eat healthy food, so I am getting nutrition, even though I have also been eating lots of junk that is off plan.
I have continued to get exercise, which improves my mood and makes me feel more capable and stronger.
I have continued reading the book, continued reading posts, and continued posting, so that even though I am frustrated with myself, I am not withdrawing or quitting.
Hi Coaches! I'm SO excited! I have been busy reading Beck Diet Solution and counting calories on about.com. Yay me! I've found the counter much easier to use there than on SparkPeople. Also, they include a personal journal page and links to great articles and calculating tools. Calculated my BMI and BMR(?) then it automatically calculated my calories needed. ok. enough said.
I'm practicing being hungry right now, so please forgive any rambling! LOVE being hungry by the way! It is NOT an emergency - I will NOT die!
Here's my 1st journal page ... incorporating everything I've learned from BDS so far. PLEASE advise if I am not doing this right.
Gwen1956
January 2011 weighed 210 lbs (need to check this with nurse at next dr. visit)
My goal is to weigh in the 130s and be a size 8-10.
When I lose my excess weight:
•I will feel confident and proud of myself
•I will have a strong, attractive body
•I will have eliminated cravings & the guilt that follows caving in
•I will have set a good example for my daughter and granddaughter
In order to lose my excess weight I will:
•Be mindful of every morsel that crosses my lips
•Record every bite
•Calculate calories and stay within my daily limit
•Research caloric needs & whether it's best to eat every few hours or only 3 times a day
•Do cardio exercise at least 5 days per week
•Weight train at least 3 days per week
I will:
•Remember that hunger is NOT an emergency - I will not die if I do not eat immediately!
•Eat slowly and mindfullly - enjoying every bite
•NOT cave in to cravings - remember the negative feelings and after-effects of caving in
•Realize the difference between hunger/cravings/desire to experience food
•Push myself to exercise every day
Mindful eating is slow and conscious. When I eat mindfully I realize what I am eating and the amount of food I am consuming. I will not overeat because I am consciously eating only what my body physically needs.
•I will eat ONLY when physically hungry
•If nutritious choices are not available I will WAIT until they are
•I will NOT eat junk foods just to hush my hunger pangs - they will pass!
•I will remember that if I choose to eat junk then I will feel guilty and angry at myself
•I will remember that hunger pangs will pass in a few minutes - I can eat when healthy choices are available
•I will remember that there is a 20 minute lag between mouth & mind.
•I will WAIT for my mind to catch up so that I do not overeat.
•I will listen to my body when I eat, not my cravings
•I will NOT eat less than 3 hours from my last food
Thoughts on Hunger - page 125 Beck Diet Solution:
•Hunger is never an emergency
•Most people don't eat everytime they're hungry. They wait until their next meal. I should too.
•I need to exerience hunger to decrease my fear of it. The best way to get over a fear is to face it.
Thoughts on Cravings - page 127 Beck Diet solution:•Cravings usually peak the first few weeks of a diet
•Once I limit or stop eating the foods I crave, the cravings will deminish significantly.
•I need to learn how to deal with cravings
•Waiting out cravings increases my ability to tolerate them
•The more often I wait out cravings, the less intense and frequent they will become
•If I don't cave in then I will feel proud of myself
When I feel a craving or a need to experience food I will:
•Label it: Tell myself it will pass - it is NOT an emergency
•Stand firm: Tell myself I do NOT want to eat junk - I want to lose weight & be healthy
•Imagine the aftermath of giving in - self disgust / binging / self hatred / staying fat & unhappy
•Remind myself that I am strong enough to resist cravings
•Do deep breathing and focus on my future healthy/strong/attractive body
•Drink water or crystal light
•Distance myself from the food - or - throw it out (better in the trash than on my thighs!)
I'll get back to reading everyones entries tomorrow. Have to leave before my DH gets back. It anoys him for me to be dieting. WHY did I pray for a man who likes fat girls?????
Warm up to writing.
weariness
Jmaf, I am right there with you, trying to increase the exercise. 
I think it helps keep me in my body even when I go off plan or binge, and it helps with my mood.
Hi Coaches! I'm SO excited! I have been busy reading Beck Diet Solution and counting calories on about.com. Yay me! I've found the counter much easier to use there than on SparkPeople. Also, they include a personal journal page and links to great articles and calculating tools. Calculated my BMI and BMR(?) then it automatically calculated my calories needed. ok. enough said. 
