bits of string and sealing wax

my quest to achieve a balanced life

the hub of my life September 18, 2010

Filed under: Life, The Universe, And Everything — didibuttonsley @ 7:45 pm

I should be doing homework, and I don’t feel like it. I’d like to go to bed, but it’s only six p.m. so it really isn’t a viable option. I hiked around with my cousin and her husband at a nature preserve today which has left me feeling contentedly sleepy. My eyelids are so heavy I can hardly keep ‘em propped open, so it’s lucky that I have superb typing skills and don’t need to look at the keyboard.

When I feel contentedly sleepy it triggers some sort or corresponding snuggle hormone. I like to refer to it as the “cuddle response.” The cuddle response can be a disquieting foe, and often leads to ill-advised hook- ups on cold nights in January when the sun is long gone by six p.m. I have had a large quantity of aforementioned occurrences, but am currently resolved to avoid that whole mess altogether. Still I have to admit that some dozy snuggles would be heavenly right about now.

All of you folks out there who have well suited companions should consider yourselves blessed. I made the conscious decision to focus on my studies and career at this particular crossroads in my life. I know that sounds all sensible and noble, but you want to know something? That kind of an attitude doesn’t get a person laid. Place personal growth and achieving inner balance at the hub of your life, and sometimes celibacy shows up at your door and ends up camping out on the porch. It doesn’t have to be that way, but it just so happens that it has to be that way for me at the moment. Abstinence makes for some pretty lame slumber parties, let me tell you.

In the past I have always used sex as a distraction, but with hobbies like mine it’s regrettably all too easy to lose focus and derail. My train slid off the tracks a while back… too many people rattling my caboose, tee hee hee. Sex is one of the things I used to keep myself from moving forward, and though it may have been enjoyable and entertaining it didn’t get me where I wanted to be. (And maybe if men didn’t like me so much in spite of my extra weight I would have been motivated to slough it off a long time ago. Perhaps there are downsides to being able to feel sexy even as a fatty.) I’ve been overfed and oversexed for too many moons. Now I’m trying to eat a lot of greens and keep my legs together. It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll.

this train is bound for… err… maybe it’s best if i don’t say, there could be small children that haven’t been put to bed yet.

I’m not just seeking to overhaul my body; I’m seeking to overhaul my whole being. My weight issues are the physical manifestation of a barrage of mental aberrations. It’s a package deal composed of layers and layers of sponge cake addictions and habits. The way you approach something is the way you approach everything. I wasn’t just stumbling through binges on food. I binged on booze, and sex, and irresponsibility. Periods of productivity were followed by droughts of mindlessly self indulgent behavior. I leveled off the benefits of my positive relationships by hanging onto other interactions that were dominantly negative. I consumed happiness as much as I consumed sorrow. What I wish to undertake now is a balancing of the extremes of my personality. I am in pursuit of cleansing as a means to regain innocence and trust.

I moved a thousand miles to chase a dream and achieve a hundred goals in one mad dash. (It was a sort of dash in the beginning, but has gradually shifted to an extensive hike) This isn’t just a question of whether I can keep eating what my body truly needs or steer away from those who would use me all up and leave me depleted and drained. It isn’t as simple as taking my vitamins, going to the gym, and getting my homework turned in on time. There is more to consider than the desire to find a companion. So what is this really about? Can I truly join with myself? Can I love my whole being and merge with all of me, even the parts I do not like? Weight isn’t about weight. That’s just fucking gravity, darling.

So I guess the sex wasn’t about sex either.  Are the cuddles just about the cuddles?  The tenuous grasp I have on my personality is a silly thing to contemplate.  When will I live and be?  Sometime between stops at the club car I suppose.

 

5 Responses to “the hub of my life”

  1. I'm svelting! Says:

    Wanting companionship and cuddles isn’t wrong. Wanting to get laid isn’t wrong either. 😀 They are all very strong human needs and desires. Also, each stimulates betaendorphin. It might be worth looking at ways you can get the “BE” hit without the morning after downside.

    While there is a school of thought that says “Get right with yourself. Accept yourself. Love yourself. Then you can love someone else.” my experience has been that allowing myself to be seen and loved has accelerated the process of self-acceptance. And for sure, sex and self-disclosure can be used to distract or punish yourself as well as to build intimacy and connection. Finding the balance in anything can be a narrow path.

    Loved the post. Enjoy your the train ride to …?

  2. pepagirl Says:

    If could be just about the weight things would be so much simpler. There are only a few people that have extra marshmellows just because they love food and at least for them if they want to change, they don’t have all those other obstacles in their way. I enjoy eating just as much as the next person, but I know I overeat consistantly because I am trying to fill some miscellaneous void. In the end it’s hard to admit and fucked up to say but, if someone isn’t happy and fulfilled in all other areas of their life, this aint gonna be a permanent thing unfortunately (losing weight/ keeping it off). Let’s make sure we find some happiness in something besides the bottom of the ice cream container this week.

  3. jelbelle Says:

    I think I’ve always overeaten because I simply loved food, and when it came down to it, I thought “I’m already fat so why the eff not?”. Maybe it’s denial (although, for some reason I’m going to be bold enough and say it’s not) but I don’t think I have a “void”. I just have “laziness” and “boredom”. This could also be because I’m younger than a lot of the girls here, and my mindset is very prude-esque. I’m not shy or scared of sex, I just don’t go seeking it. Why? Because I have other things, actual important things, to worry about. For me, it is my school and forming my career. Those are the most important things to me, not companionship or love. So maybe you just need to find something that you can love deeply, something that is productive and not detrimental. I don’t know if that helps or not 😮 sorry!

  4. kdbug Says:

    You could try a chihuahua for the cuddles. And be “Master of your Domain” for the satisfaction. My husband and I have our own bedrooms and bathrooms. We meet in the middle for trysts. I love my big, bright room, and he loves his dark little cave. Our two 60pound dogs sleep with me. My husband sleeps with his snoring and restless legs.

  5. didibuttonsley Says:

    Jelbelle, my school and career has (fuh-fuh-finally!) taken a front seat position and become the most important thing in my life. I’m very passionate about my field (healing and midwifery) and I love the choices that I have made pertaining to this area of my life. Companionship is high on my list of importance too, but I feel like I’m avoiding sexual relations right now as part of a healing process specifically tailored to my own goofy self.
    kdbug, I have an english shepherd who is pretty good for cuddles. I like the idea of always having my own bedroom, and meeting for trysts in the middle. Sometimes I need to be alone.
    svelting, I really am attempting to find the middle ground. I don’t wish to swing too far in either direction. The narrow path I’m on is like a long piece of dental floss. Narrow indeed!
    pepa, I’m gonna stuff the marshmallows into the ice cream container, and then throw the whole fucking thing out the window!

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