I’m at the point in my weight loss where it’s pretty significant. Even though I think I struggle with seeing it in myself I can’t help but to notice the reactions of people who haven’t seen me in a while. I posted a picture of my husband and I on Valentine’s Day on Facebook and the comments were overwhelming. All very nice people talking about how great I looked. As much as I feel kind of embarrassed by it, I’ve come to expect it. So imagine it not coming up at all.
There’s a little back story to this that I have to tell. One of my good friends has also been struggling with her weight for years. She even had a lap band put in but couldn’t lose much weight because eating the proper foods made her sick and what she shouldn’t have been eating went down all too easily. A couple years ago I wanted to go to Weight Watchers and I asked her to go with me. She told me this:
People like us will never be thin.
That about killed me. Not only did she give up all hope for herself, she tried to give it up to me too! I did join and had some success but as I’ve said before when I get to the point where things are going well I usually find some excuse as to why it won’t work out. For WW it was no longer convenient to take 3 buses to my weigh in. The real reason was that I wanted to eat copious amounts of cake without judgement or accountability.
It’s been months since I’ve seen her and when I posted about losing 40 lbs she said, “When the hell did you lose 40 pounds?” I posted a picture and she congratulated me. She never again made mention of my weight. She had actually joined WW and was doing well and I applauded her.
So last night we went out to see them and I was expecting the same slack jawed expression and look of awe that people usually give me and I got nothing. Just the typical smile and hug. I felt a little let down. What usually made me a little embarrassed or uncomfortable I really WANTED from her.
When we went to sit down all the tables were taken so we had to sit in a booth. A booth and a fat girl are not best friends and my husband is 6′5″ tall so he’s not a big fan of them either. I slid into the booth with ease and there was room between me and the table. It was so nice to be able to just slide in and sit. No drama, no hoping the table wasn’t bolted to the floor, no resting my stomach on the table. Just sitting.
We talked the entire night and had a blast but my weight never came up. In fact, when she started WW she would tell me updates regularly but she never brought up her own weight either. At first I was upset then I starting really thinking about the situation. I didn’t want her flattery. What I really wanted was for her to acknowledge that I wasn’t ready to give up hope. I wanted her to tell me that I could do it and that I wasn’t one of the “people like us.”
I’ve struggled with my weight since I was 12 years old. Even though that was 28 years ago I’m still not ready to throw in the towel. I can do this… with our without her acceptance, acknowledgement, or approval. The only “people” I’m like is ME and I have faith.
Posted on February 16th, 2013 by futurehealthywoman
Filed under: Emotion