Awhile back, a famous american poet, RObert Frost wrote a poem called, “THe Road Less taken”..
it’s pretty long.. and some part gets very hard to understand, but here is what it said:
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference”
I could be wrong, and completely don’t understand what the poem means. But in my heart, I feel that it’s trying to say something about ..choosing a path that is right for you. The one.. that is less traveled by. ANd in a way, I feel that this path, my indeed be a harder and more treacherous one. But the poet took it anyway. Maybe he’s stupid. Maybe’s he couragous? Maybe.. just maybe, he had the confidence and ability to believe in his guts and instinct. Either way, he took the road less traveled.
I know, this had nothing to do with me. But, I could somewhat relate.
I have been through some really depressing time lately in the past few weeks. I recently discovered that I could be gay. That.. i could be harboring feelings for the same gender as me. I hated that feeling. I hated myself for having such feeling. It was wrong… or at least it felt wrong. It wasn’t normal. .. or that was my perception of normal. Nobody in my family is gay. None of my friend is gay. So.. why me? Why was I curse with such feeling.
I didn’t want it one bit. I wanted out. I wanted a way to stop all of this stuff. Just 3 weeks ago, I was living my life happily. Everything was fine.. I was going to lose weight.. and live a healthy life. Everything was fine.. until this came along. How am I going to live with myself? I don’t want to be gay. I don’t want these feelings and all the burden that comes with it. Eventhough I am fortunate to live in a society where people are now opening up to accepting gay people. I still don’t feel right. Maybe, I’m homophobic towards myself.
I couldn’t accept myself. Please.. go away. Make these things all go away. But it won’t, it can’t. And I can’t do anything about it. I am left with feeling that I harbor.
So.. I had a choice.. to choose to live with myself and accept myself the way I am. Or.. to pretend none of these feelings are here, and PRETEND everything is fine.. and continue living myself like none of these things ever happen. I can pretend.. and hold it within myself.. until I cannot hold it anymore. I can pretend to be normal. I can pretend to be straight. I can pretend i love a guy. I can pretend.
But…I know this path isn’t right. It isn’t something I would do to myself. I owe myself so much. ANd despite how much I hate myself right now, I still love myself too much to let myself to go back into the closet. I know this is crazy and stupid… but, I’m not going back into the closet.
I love myself too much to do that. ANd.. I don’t believe in living a life where I am lying to myself.. and to the people that I love. I don’ t think a life like that is worth living. I don’t think that is a life at all.
So, I’m going to do something. I am gay. And, I might not know what I’m getting myself into… but this is who I am. I’m going to accept myself. I’m going to love myself and I’m going to be okay. It is hard. Who would ever choose to be gay if they have a choice? I know I wouldn’t. I don’t want to be different. I want to be normal. I want to fall in love with a guy, and grow up having a family and children. That’s how I always imagined myself. Funny.. how things like these turn out.
I don’t like it. Not one bit. It’s going to take sometime for me to be comfortable with myself. Its going to take sometime for me to accept myself.. and be “okay”. Because I still feel that what I am doing is wrong. But, it’s okay. I’m going to be alright. I’m going to be strong and live my life the way I feel like I should live.
I want to live a life worth living. I want to pursue my dreams. I want to make my parents proud. I want to fall in love with the person I love, regardless of which gender they are. I want to be happy. And.. shit, it’s going to hard. But, fuck it. I’m going to live. I’m going to be me. And, I’m going to be better than okay. 🙂
..and NOW, i’m going to study!