First few days at work have been uneventful - just training. But how very nice is it to be able to walk in the door after work, already having left the day behind. And how nice is it to come home after being OUT at work all day. After ten years of living/working at home, it's really nice.
Lindor don't stress about stepping on the scales. Maybe it's worth you setting different goals for a few months, and working on them, while ignoring the scales. If it were me and I was struggling to want to get on the scales, I wouldn't. I'd go and get a pedometer and set a goal of 5,000 steps a day - and do that for a month. If you want I could get you one and post it to you.
Or a goal of eating 3 cups of vegetables/fruit a day - just ONE small change to get your mind thinking about YOU again.
Don't give up on yourself matey. So many of us here look up to you as our inspiration, and we all understand what it means to lose focus and take a few steps in the other direction.
I'm doing OK at the moment but things have been up and down. I won't bore you with all the melodrama, but it's been a very interesting month. I'll tell you about it over coffee one of these days.
Good to see you back Lindor. Don't worry about the scales, like Ani says, set some different goals and mix things up a bit and you'll be back on track in no time.
Yesterday was really good for me until I was leaving the gym and smashed the side of my car into a f***ing big pole the damage isn't massive but it'll still cost a few hundered to fix and I just can't afford that at the moment so it'll just have to stay as it is.
Very interesting reaction was that when I went into the supermarket just after it happened, I wanted to buy junk food and have a binge. I was quite surprised that I felt like that and I resisted the urge and carried on to have a pretty good night food wise. I guess that in the past I would have either smoked, drank or ate when feeling upset so it's pretty awesome to know that I can cope with bad things without doing any of those things.
Today's goals are to 1) stick to my points and 2) go to the gym tonight. Work has asked me to go back to Wellington to work 3 days next week and as I'm busting to meet my new nephew, I've accepted so I'll be heading up on Saturday afternoon and coming back on Thursday night.
That presents the problem of the fact that I tend to go so badly off track when my routine is upset so I'm going to write down a couple of goals for each day as I really want to stay on track while I'm away this time.
oh i am very sorry about your car .. what a SH*T . that would have made me want to binge too lol.. god on you for stopping yourself.. but im glad your gonna meet your little nephew That will be great . I dont have anything to suggest on your trip since i go no where lol.. But its seems to be a problem for everyone when away from home i spose you gotta be a little more leanient when your not at home with your gym and your own home cooking.. .
Ani im glad you feel happy with the leaving work at work.. i was kinda wondering if you would get bored in the evenings since work isn't there.. but you have said before you are still gonna write.. aren't you? I hope the boring and no weight helping training ends quickly .. i mean how hard can it be to work at bunnings? lol they training how to pick things up, how to water plants??? lol . I know oc health and safety and all that but still boring .
Welcome back lindor , glad to see you.. If i were you i would do a full week of behaving before going anywhere near the scales
Im doing great been on track all week and exercised every day my cals have been perfect and im losing weight again.. cant complain at all ... for once.. LMAO.
Tonight is the easter fireworks at my local shops.. i have got the kids both having a sleep now so we can go up there later.. fireworks are at 9 pm .. so ill go up just prior.. IM cooking our dinner now to prevent the kids wanting anything when we are out.. Since 95% of bought stuff Lolly cant have.. lol.. anyway gonna go check my chook and veggies.. later girls
Location: You'll never, never know, if you never, never go!!
Posts: 810
S/C/G: 109.6kg/104.6kg/67kg (15/8/10)
Height: 170cm
Thank you for the tips and encouragement Ani, Julie and Amy. And thanx for the offer of the pedometer Ani, but I did find one a few weeks back that I had scored as a freebee for something - a cornflakes box maybe!
I will apologise now for what I am sure is going to be a long, woeful and self pitying post, but we all have to vent at some point don't we? I guess I have reached that point.
See, I don't know where I am at with this weight loss thing anymore!! I've been thinking about it a lot lately - maybe too much - and basically, I just want to give the whole thing up now!
I have managed to reduce my weight by more than 20kg (30kg initially, but over the last 18 months I have slowly gained). I feel a whole lot better now than what I did at the very beginning - better than I ever expected to. I am proud of my efforts and I think I am content with how I feel.
In recent months however, I have been feeling really unsure of where I want to be with my weight loss. I have lost focus, I think that has become obvious to most? I don't know why I am doing it anymore. I'm not even sure I can even recall why I started it?
I read the posts of others here, you all seem to know what you want and why you want it. You want to lose weight for the family - to be able to be more active with your kids, for your health, to live longer, to be more active...etc. None of that really inspires me, but that is purely because of my situation. I have no children, and I don't get on with my family. I feel fit and healthy already and I rarely get sick. I see no direction in my life so therefore I don't care to live any longer than the time I am given. I have a very inactive life, but that is because I chose to be like that, not because I can't be active - I don't want to be able to run marathons, but I know I can walk to work and back, and I know I can run from a charging bull and climb over a fence or two in the process!
Despite wanting to give it up though, I can't stop thinking of weight loss. And it is that, that is getting me down right now! When I left for my holiday four weeks ago I told myself that I was going to relax with the dieting. That my holiday was my time to take it easy, relax and enjoy everything I can...including my meals whatever they were. But, even knowing that I had allowed myself that freedom, I could not get 'calories', 'kilos', 'pounds', 'weight', 'fat', 'slob', 'ugly', 'tight clothes' and all other words and phrases that I attack myself with, out of my head!!
And it depresses me to think that if I can't give up and somehow I do manage to reach goal and get to the point of maintaining, am I ever going to be able to push those thoughts way and live a life without them? Is the rest of my life going to be constantly thinking about weight loss? What I can eat, what I can't eat, what I should eat, what I shouldn't eat? I hate the way it is monopolising and controlling my thoughts now and I really don't know if I can take that mental torture forever!
I don't know if my ramblings are making any sense? I feel trapped in this weight loss journey! I want to fight on, but I can't do it, I keep failing...I want to quit, but my head won't let me. That is what is screwing with me at the moment!!
Before I started this, I never saw myself as having a weight 'problem'. Yes, I was 112kg and I felt I looked unattractive...but that was probably about all, ocassionally I was embarrassed that I had to squeeze into a seat or something. And I was disgusted with the quantity that I was eating. But I chose to diet to maybe make myself look better, and feel better about myself...but instead I have figured my mental image of myself is never going to be attractive despite what others may say!
I feel my weight is a bigger problem now!!! Because it is always the first thing in my mind from when I wake up and I can't seem to give myself a break from it! It is now that I seem constantly bothered by it. It is now it is being a problem!
And is it just me feeling like this? I am the only one left of the original Aussie Chicks, we rarely hear from Kathyhegg, Butter_Ball_No_More, and Leeny appears to have vanished totally? And what happened to Brit...and all the others? Have they been able to walk away from this without the mental beatings? Why can't I walk away from it? And will I ever be able to walk away from it even if I do reach goal?
I am starting to sound like a broken record now right? Again, I am sorry for this pathetic post. I'm just feeling totally frustrated with it all!
the things you are finding frustratinbg, the things you should and shouldn't eat ect.. too me are a positive, before i didnt focus on it and i gained weight now i do focus on it . I constantly think about the weight lossw and on bad days i feel like you are now.. i jumped off the wagon for a whole moth and gained back a couple of kilos.. I know i have to stay focused and in staying focused im happy inmyself.. more confident about my choice and i stop calling myself names.. When im slacking off.. the whole.. nasty name thing starts singing in my head.. When i dont eat healthy i feel tired unwell and depressed .. and its not becuase i feel guilty i thin k its becuase my body isnt getting enough nutrients...
You have had a month or being diet free yet you continued to think abiout what you were doing.. i think that is great .. i think you being so focused will maintain what ever weight you choose in the end.. If you are happy with your current weight why dont you just maintain it for a while.. I see no poinbt pushing to be the sterotypical "IDEAL " weight .. I really think for me i will be happy to be somewhere in the 80-90kg range.. and once i am haqppy ideal or not i will stop and maintain..
The thing is i have not denyed myself anything in the process of losing weight.. i have had treats and enjoyed them.. but the difference is everything eaten is thought abaout .. and i believe learning to think aboiut it is the key to staying healthy for life ..
Lindor my very first thoughts after reading through your post were: are you depressed (and I mean clinically), or are you feeling trapped?
To me, the focus on your weight loss is a SYMPTOM of something, not the CAUSE of your current state of mind.
Losing weight and then keeping it off is one of the toughest personal challenges we go through. I suspect that the disappearance of so many original Aussie Chicks is due to relapse, or a feeling of failure - not in every case, but for some bizarre reason, most people only come in here when they're doing OK with their weight loss.
What's that about? A support group is MOST useful when people are struggling or losing interest, or putting weight back on. But at the same time, I know I tried to lose weight three times (thus my joining date here of 2004) before I found the way to do it.
For women like you and me who have neither partner or family to "do it for" the challenge to stay motivated and moving is tougher. Especially for the longer term.
Do you want to be eating a healthy diet? Or do you do it as a means to an end? Because if it's a means to an end and nothing more, once you go back to your normal way of eating… well, it's our "normal" pattern of eating that made us obese in the first place. And you know that - maybe it's one of the reasons why your mind is obsessing about kilos and calories.
And I understand what you say about the future. The only way to change that is to embrace "today", and to want to make this moment precious.
I know that it's tough. Where you live is tough. Where you work is tough. And not getting along with your family makes it harder. You have also just come back from holidays - and that makes you restless. Add to that the fact that you applied for that job, didn't get it… more feeling trapped.
Yes, losing 20kg is an awesome achievement - you and I both know that. It is life-changing! But where is the woman who had the motivation to drop even more? Where is the woman who was climbing Mt Everest? Have you seriously stopped wanting those things?
If it were me and I was feeling the way you do (and believe me, there have been plenty of times when I have felt that way), I would make some kind of drastic change. I'd move towns, states, countries, job… I would move mountains to find a positive reason to get out of bed in the morning.
As you know, I made some massive life changes in the past three months. MASSIVE! And even though things haven't settled yet, and are probably two months away from being so, I'm really pleased I've done it.
It got to a point for me where, after unwrapping all those layers of fat, the person I had become was not content with my life. Not at all. And the newer model of me was not suited to sitting on my @rse all day in front of a computer - or hiding away from the world. So I set myself a goal of working at Bunnings (to the horror of all my intellectual friends ), and knocked back four job offers while waiting to hear if I would be successful.
Sometimes you just have to stand at the edge of your comfort zone, and take a leap of faith over to the wild side.
And I have to make mention of your comments about your health. Maybe you can leap tall buildings now - but you know from your work that it's cumultive damage. While you're in your 30's it's all good; your body will still cope well with the things you demand of it. But let me tell you from personal experience… get into your 40s and try and do the same thing with a fat body.
Not only does the beginning signs of perimenopause make it ten times harder to lose the weight, but the health risks you flirted with for too many years start to bite you on the bum. Do not wait until you get into your 40s to undo the damage, because I can't tell you how much harder it is to actually lose a kilo than it was ten years ago .
Matey I know I am waffling and I'm not sure if anything I have said is useful. You know where I am if you need to chat, and you know I'll do anything to help you.
I actually think a lot of women go through this. If you spend some time going through the other forums on 3FC you'll see heaps of women talking about how they lost heaps, left 3FC and regained the weight (and more), and now they're back to try again.
I think you're really brave for coming in here and talking about this. You're usually reticent about talking about your private self, but please stick around - even if you decide to not lose any more weight - because your humour, insight and contribution to our little team here is really valuable.
Hugs Lindor. I can empathise with what u are going through. Though I have never been over 80kg, I'm guessing all the feelings we go through are very much the same. I started putting on the weight when I lost my mum to cancer. I don't talk to my family except one sister and thats not very often. My brothers - well.......... lets just leave that one alone. My other sister seems to have forgotten she has a family. My dad n mum divorced when I was 5, he never knew what a phone call or birthday was and still doesnt. He is so wrapped up in his games online that noone matrters unless they are cyber. I am the one who contacts them and its a pain in the ***. The youngest trying to hold it all together.
I have more to do with my cousin than the others.
If it makes you feel better I'm not doing the weight loss thing for my partner. He says I am fine the way I am and shows it, however I am doing it because
1: I find it uncomfortable and even painful to do something as simple as tie up my shoes. The blood rushes to my head and I can't breath properly.
2: For my chosen career I know I need to have some level of fitness which at the moment is very very low.
3: To be able to buy clothes that fit me - at the moment to fit me round they are WAY to long and the arm holes go halfway to my waist.
4: My health isn't that great
5: So I can do stuff with my kids
6: For my skin. My skin is very poor, and I know if I do not look after it now I am going to be one of these old people who suffer badly from tears and already I take a long time to heal. My skin has lost elasicity, is dry and thin and already I tear from a simple knock so easy.
Yes I find it hard also to be constantly thinking about waht I am eating. And I try not to. Maybe that is why it has taken me a year to lose only 8kg. But I know that I have educated myself in nutrition and health and know quite alot even if I don't always practice.
Maybe you could support others? Do you have a hobby that you enjoy? I'm sure there is something around out there for YOU that you can focus on and it may then take some of the focus off your weight. You may then feel less like 'whats the point' without actively thinking about it.
Location: You'll never, never know, if you never, never go!!
Posts: 810
S/C/G: 109.6kg/104.6kg/67kg (15/8/10)
Height: 170cm
Amy thank you for your words, and I see what you are saying. Once upon a time I was proud of myself for knowing what I can and can't have. But, once you have been fighting this battle continuely for over two years, the mental beatings will get on top of you, you get sick for seeing food in it's components - the calories, the fat content etc.
Ani...thank you for your wonderful words of wisdom! Somehow you manage to make things clearer and simpler to understand.
I am feeling trapped in the weight loss process. You'd think after two years I'd be able to look and a food menu, or walk into a supermarket and automatically make the right choices without a second glance. But, no, it is still an on-going battle with my head. "I can get a packet of Tim Tams and just eat one" - "No! You know you don't stop at one" or "I am only at this restaurant today, surely I can have that greasy fish and chips" - "No! There are far less calories in that salad than that fish and chips!"
And maybe I have made it an obsession? Because, I am at the point of stopping myself from having that coffee in the evening because it will put me over my calorie budget. Or I won't have that piece of sugar-free chewing gum to make my mouth feel fresher because it might push my calories over my limit (yup all 1.5 cals of it!).
I am happy that I can stop myself from binging on crap. I have managed to control that and, apart from the ocassional slip, up I have learned to manage that. But I miss the days where I could go and pour myself a coffee without a second thought, where I could go and grab an apple and think this is yummy - did you know a large apple can have 125cals? 125cals!!! For something that is supposed to be good for you?? There are less calories in a Tim Tam!!!
Everything I reach for sparks a massive calculation of figures in my head. I don't enjoy food and eating anymore. I can see the good in that...but I don't see that I deserve to suffer for it. If I reach goal, I would like to be able to make the right choices and enjoy it with out having to think about it.
I hear what you say about the health implications too Ani...and I have to admit that you reminded me of another reason why I decided I had to lose the weight in the first place. My father was diagnosed with NIDDM and I knew that that, along with my obesity, put me at risk of the same thing in the future.
Although I say I want to give up this battle, and despite feeling as I do about it, I have managed to remain within my calorie budget and have kept up with my water since I returned from holiday. I stepped on the scales this morning, but alas the digital display was blank! Flat batteries I presume - and a blessing in disguise maybe???
So far as feeling trapped in life, well I think you know the answer to that Ani. I admire what you have managed to do over the last few months! And I only wish I had the courage to do something similar. And yes, being knocked back on that job application has set me back a step or six! It doesn't take much to blow the confidence right out of me...and that is what has happened. Top that with learning that my current workload has doubled while I was away as there was no cover for me in my absence. I feel like I am back at square one again! What is the point?
I am still not sure I am happy with my job, but I am not a quitter, and so long as I see a faint glimmer in the distance that one day I might actually realise I do enjoy it, I will continue to try to make myself do it. Maybe that is making me more miserable?
I am a stubborn git after all! Which, ultimately, is why I am still here I guess
Thankyou for taking the time and effort to respond to my woe.
Location: You'll never, never know, if you never, never go!!
Posts: 810
S/C/G: 109.6kg/104.6kg/67kg (15/8/10)
Height: 170cm
Vonni, I missed your post...
...thankyou for your words too.
A 'distraction' would probably do me a world of good, but it is difficult to escape myself when I prefer to be on my own. I don't enjoy being around people - ironic really considering that attitude probably stems from my obesity and not liking my appearance (along with other things). Proof that losing the weight I have lost has had little impact on how I feel about myself?
wow lindor .. please remeber you are an amazing person . and we care a great deal about you .. im sorry your old friends have left but we are here imbracing you . I just hope you will come to relise how special you really are . Hold you head up high and be proud of what you have achieved..
Ani and vonni are really insperational people and reading what they wrote put a frog in my throat.. its just shows how much they care about you.. I feel the same.. and though i havent known you for long it didn't take me long to find out how great you are.
We are here for you and each other a team in good and bad.. all in the wagon together and we will hold you here as long as we can drag you behind the wagon if we need to .. but be certain we wont let go .. we care tooi much to do that..
Ani is a wise lady and what she said about we leave when having trouble and she was right.. we feel like we are burdens when we are dragging behind .. we worry about failing our friends.. but we dont .. our friends are still there waiting for us.. and worrying about us when we are not around..
Well here we are your friend and we all just waiting to give you a big hug and tell you how much we care ..
Lindor I know how tough it is when it comes to food. How many calories can you eat a day and still lose weight? I have come to a point where I eat that piece of fruit, or have that extra cup of coffee, and I'm still able to lose weight.
Admittedly, since I stopped doing the magazine I have become a lot more active, and I burn off those extra calories. Today I ate chocolate - and definitely more than I should have, but this is how I spent my day:
• Emptying out the fishpond, scrubbing it clean, and filling it up (my fish love me for it).
• Doing a few loads of washing.
• Cleaning out the sunroom and vacuuming it.
• Filling up the wheelie bin with leaves and other garden rubbish.
• Moving several pot plants into the shade.
• Sweeping outside and tidying up.
It might not seem like a lot, but it kept me busy. According to my pedometer I also clocked more than 12,000 steps while pottering around.
Have you ever tried intuitive eating? It works for me if I keep hydrated - and I try to listen to what my body wants, and to work out when I am actually hungry. And I try to eat the best, yummiest food I can afford.
I still calorie count, and write down my calories every single day. Sometimes, like last Saturday, I spectacularly stuff up - but then I consider it a personal challenge to improve the next week after a bad one.
This is Week 85 for me and I fully understand what you say about being battle-weary. I reckon that for every week that I am feeling strong and motivated there is another week where I struggle to meet my calorie goals - and then about once a month I just don't give a stuff .
But I'm not undoing this good work, and I don't want you to either.
We are a team, us Aussie Chicks (well, that's how I see us). We're strong, smart, brave and vulnerable women - all with our individual strengths and weaknesses, and all REALLY willing to be each other's cheer-squad and mates.
You inspire me! There are things you've said, throughout this journey, that you don't even KNOW have had a big impact on me, but things that I often remind myself of when it all gets too hard.
And I know that people like Vonnie, Julia, Amy and Barb all really value you. And so does our friend who is currently residing in the good ole US of A!
Incidentally… shops are open tomorrow. I'm sure they sell batteries for scales .
OK, I need to go and have a shower. I've got bits of garden leaf in my hair
Location: You'll never, never know, if you never, never go!!
Posts: 810
S/C/G: 109.6kg/104.6kg/67kg (15/8/10)
Height: 170cm
Vonni, Amy, you are both right! I reckon Ani is our resident Aussie Chicks Agony Aunt! But, that is not to dismiss what you have both said. The three of you have picked me so much with your posts, and you have all given me a lot to think about. For which I am very grateful!
Ani, I am in no hurry for those batteries just yet - I am going to take the blank display on my scales as an omen! Maybe I am better off not knowing my weight just now? I want to give it a while before knowing what I weigh - the last two years has been spent focusing on the figures those scales produce. I want to break from that cycle for a while. I never wanted to be controlled by the scales and by strict calorie counting, but somehow I have let it happen and it has done my head in. That needs to stop!
For now, I will try to fight on, but I want to do that in a much less regimented manner than I have been. Intuitive eating sounds interesting, I might have to read more into it. But somehow I think I will need to fine tune my self-discipline a little more first!
I will continue with what I am doing now - keeping to a 1500 calorie budget with a +/-250cal margin (that's two extra apples or a few more cups of coffee!! ) and drinking my water. When the weather starts to cool down again in a month or so, I'll start walking to work again. I might even pull out that pedometer I found and set myself a challenge of walking to some virtual destination.
Your description of your day had me pining for my house again Ani. I miss having a yard to play in. And I wonder if the incidental exercise I put in to my yard at my house - mowing the lawn once a week or so, sweeping the porches occasionally, weeding every now and then - was in fact having an effect on my weight-loss? Because, up until just before I had to move in November '06, I was still losing weight at a steady rate.
Ok, so now I am over my little mental crisis for now, I'll stop monopolising things here.
I want to know how you are all going. I have been away for three weeks, so to save me reading over something like 15 pages of posts, give me a brief run down of where you are all at? I know Gen has left to the USA, and I know Ani is under 80kg and is employed again! Surely there is more gossip???
Obviously I've been waffling too much, so how's this for the new, improved me? Stuffed my face with chocolate yesterday - paid for it on the scales today, so I'm going to have to walk 20km to work it off.
ALL my housemates are moving out this weekend! So I'll "cleanse" the house top to toe and that'll work off the choccie .
.
the damage isn't massive but it'll still cost a few hundered to fix and I just can't afford that at the moment so it'll just have to stay as it is.
), and knocked back four job offers while waiting to hear if I would be successful.
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