Need your advice ladies.
I've been pressured by various older friends and family members about the adoption.
I stated that because the depression was starting to get too much and too close to being unhealthy baby blues that I wasn't going to make my choice until after the baby is born.
However, my greatest fear is that I'll see her and state that I'm keeping her.
So others have voiced their opinion that perhaps it would be better to wait a week or two later before making my choice. I'm not sure if hormones will levle out by then and therefore will be thinking with a clear enough mind.
I don't want to regret giving her up, but on the same note, I don't want to regret not giving her a better life. I don't ever want to regret keeping her.
So...does waiting a while after the birth seem like a good idea? I haven't brought this up with my cousin and his wife yet. I feel bad because they already have plane tickets and laywers set up and set time off from work. I really, really don't want to make this any harder for them. I'm not sure what would be the best thing to do.
Also. I started my leave from work today. 4 weeks before I wanted to. Truthfully I'm not happy being off of work for so long. I will get some pay from vacation and sick pay, but not much. I'm bummed. I know my DF is stressed because of it. (though he says he's only stressed because I'm stressed about it. @.@) I just feel bad for putting so much pressure on him.
EDIT: I should also add I started my leave because I started having contractions last night at work. Lots of Presure "down there" and feeling like I was wearing pants two sizes too tight (When they were really a size too large) some dizziness, pain in my sides and back. it got better when I was on lunch, but started right back up as soon as i went back to work. I went to see the dr. today (normal appointment) and she said it sounded like light real contractions, or bad false ones.
I would of stayed at work but I also found out that baby is sideways, almost all the way breached. They didn't seem so worried, because I have 4 more weeks for her to settle in the head down position. so i don't want to go into labor early from working if she's not head down. So I decided that it would be best to leave work.
I've been lurking on this thread for a long time now and I've been reading your posts about adoption. My heart totally goes out to you because of the sheer magnitude of that decision. I know I wouldn't be able to do it, but that doesn't help you very much. If it were me, I would make my decision before the delivery and then force myself to stick with whatever I decided. I think that you really need to take the emotional side of the situation and try to separate that from the factual side. If you keep the baby, are you going to be able to afford diapers, clothing, etc.? Will you have the means to afford daycare, if necessary? You don't need to give her an extravagent life, but you need to give her the necessities. If you're not able to supply the basic needs for the child, then you need to consider what's best for her. You're emotions will always mislead you, no matter what the situation, so you should try to focus on the best thing for your daughter. Whatever you decide and whenever you decide it, you'll do the right thing.
I would say that this is a decision not to be made lightly and I see you are not taking it lightly. I also see that you have not given her up in your heart. I can tell by the things you are doing, tye dying the clothes for instance. I am not just a nosy old lady talking but I am an adoptive mother. That is the important word here, I did not give birth to my son but I am his mother in every sense of the word. My husband and I picked his name, we bought his clothes, we decided where he would live, where he would go to school, etc. Birth mom once she decided to give him up for adoption did none of that. I do not want sound cruel but I see that you are struggling. Right now you don't think that you can give her the life she deserves. I think you might be wrong about that,. You don't have to give up all your plans, maybe change them a little or delay them There are parents everywhere that find a way. I have to tell you the truth if every parent waited until they could afford a baby the birth rate would drop dramatically. I guess what I am trying to say is if you have the slightest doubt that you can do this than don't do it. I suspect that the parents to be are prepared that you can change your mind . I know this is an agonizing time for you. What does yor DF think. ? His feelings need to be considered, too.
Sakai - I haven't really talked about my switching from adoption to keeping my baby on here very much because I know how hard even the idea of adoption is. I can't imagine the pain you're going through. At any rate, I decided to keep my son because my boyfriend and I went through things and I realized that if we worked our butts off, we could do it. It wasn't the *perfect* life, but he will be happy, healthy and safe. We won't be able to buy him tons of things, though.
Hormones are horrible, so really try looking at it from a logical standpoint. Go over with your partner and figure out what life would be like with the baby to about five years from now. All the details - rent, food, gas money, baby expenses, work, everything. Can you do that now? Really go at it removed from emotions. That's what helped me make the choice - being removed from emotions.
Don't think about the potential adoptive parents at all. Consider your partner and you alone.
At any rate, I'm thinking of you. I hope you will be content with your choice.
Amanda - Take heart, sister! I had the false/pre/whatever contractions for a week before my second was born. Although they were irregular and still painful they were doing their job: I was almost 4cm dilated at my dr appt the day before he was born. So, although it may not be true labor yet, those contractions might be working anyhow!
Thanks ladies and i'd like to say happy mothers day to each and every one of the ladies on this forum!!
Sakai- *HUGS* I agree with the other women, sit down and talk to your significant other. Make sure it's the best choice for all three of you. I would have the decision made before birth if I was in your position. If you want to do it and put your mind to it, know that you can do whatever you want. There's lots of help out there financially as well that you could look into before making a final decision. Either way, the decision you make it the right decision for you.
Manda- That really sucks! Any luck at all since your last post?
Mindi- How are you doing?
As for me, my staples get taken out tomorrow and I should be returning to school on Wednesday. My milk is just now starting to come in, as i've had to supplement him with formula due to weight loss, so we will really start the full effect of breastfeeding soon.
Thanks, Keller! Happy Mother's Day to you, too! Good luck returning to school AND with breastfeeding! I hope I'm able to do it myself. With me it will probably be more of a mental block than anything.
Amanda....how are things? Is your baby boy here yet????!!!!
You know, DH is the ONLY person who hasn't told me Happy Mother's Day today. He doesn't see me as a mom yet. I wasn't expecting breakfast in bed or to be showered with gifts or anything. But a simple recognition of the fact that I've been carrying his CHILD for more than 9 months now would have been wonderful. What makes it worse is that I KNOW he got me a card the other day, but plainly said I won't be getting it if our little girl isn't here yet. Well, she's not. I'm so mad at him.
Other than that, things are still going. I go in to the hospital tomorrow at noon for an NST and the doctor will come up there at the end to check for dilation. Then we wait. I'm 39 weeks tomorrow. At my appointment this past Monday he told me he doesn't induce in uncomplicated pregnancies until 41 weeks, and 42 is his cut-off since some mom's prefer to wait for labor to begin naturally as long as they can (and I'd be one of those).
Well, my MIL works at the clinic where he practices, and I've already heard through the grapevine that they talked on Friday. Turns out "Dr. I Won't Induce Before 41 Weeks" wants to go out of town with his family for a long Memorial Day weekend, which would end at my 41st week. And he wants to induce now at 40 weeks so he can go and not have to worry about me going into labor.
So that means my options will be A) Refuse to be induced at 40 weeks and if I go into labor while he's gone have my baby delivered by a doctor who I cannot STAND as a doctor OR a person; or B) See if a doctor in the city to the north will take me this late in the game and have her delivered in a strange town, away from everyone, by someone I don't know.
I'm not against induction at ALL. It's just that this may be our one and only child, and I want to have that "This is IT!" moment when I actually go into labor and go to the hospital all on my own, you know?
Still no baby. Contractions are a little picked up today, so we'll see. This is officially "prodromal labor", and wow, it is not that awesome.
That stinks about your doctor, Mindi. It seems like the doctor who delivers you isn't usually very involved anyway - they come in at the end to catch the baby, or come into play more if you need interventions, but usually it's your nurse you interact with more. So it may not be a big deal to be delivered by the doctor you don't like.
Awww...that stinks, Amanda! Maybe today. Fingers crossed for you.
This secondary doctor though....I don't trust him. He tends to have a major "God Complex" and doesn't listen to anybody. Just recently he wouldn't listen to one of the nurses who told him something didn't sound right with the baby's heart. He had the attitude of "I'm the doctor. I am RIGHT." 24 hours later the baby was flown to a bigger hospital via helicopter with a major heart issue. I'd go 40 miles away before I'd go to him.
MindiV- Jezz that sucks. If this Dr. REALLY bothers you enough to want to head off into a different town then that's up to you. I know it would bother me to be delivered by a Dr. I don't know or dislike, just because you've spent all this time building up with trust with one. (or in my case, 3)
Manda- So close!!!!
Ladies: Thanks for the advice. We've pretty much made up our minds to go ahead with the adoption. I sat and talked with DF. He also agrees that while he knows he'll regret giving her up, he never wants to regret keeping her and forcing us all to struggle.
Cousin and his wife called me this morning after I told them the hoop-la going on down here through facebook. My cousin grew up with my grandmother and know's how overbearing and controling of the family she is. She raised me from the time i was 2 and it's really hard for me to go against her even though I'm almost 28. So he really knows what it is I have to deal with. (plus people not of the family giving me pressure.)
I know everyone means well but sometimes I just want to me like." Hey....butt out."
But Cousin said, I can listen to all the opinions I want from people for and against this adoption, in the end it's up to me and DF.
My Cousin always stressed there was no pressure for us to pick them. But it never really sank in until he said that. Even this close to delivery, when you expect people to have a firm set choice made, they know and understand that I can change my mind at any moment.
Even though I'm sure I won't change my mind, it's just nice to not have that pressure from them.
In other news. My carpel tunnle had gotten sooo bad. I even woke in the middle of my sleep because my right hand and arm were killing me. i nearly cried. I couldn't move it or touch it, even letting it sit just made the pain pulse so badly. Something simple like a painkiller will help. Though I got into the habbit of not taking anything at every sign of pain 2 years ago. I've decided it's time to treat this pain if I'm going to make it though another night.
More strange pains in the belly. I'm still not sure if it's Contractions. (real or fake) bloating, or just soreness from the baby really pounding me in there.
Speaking off, she's suddenly stopped moving as much. No more tumbling around and around, and more little taps and streching. Maybe she's finally started to settle down. I've been using a exercise ball as a birthing ball to help.
Mindi: I understand about not wanting a doctor you don't like. I don't know what decision you'll go with but trust your gut, definitely.
Sakai: I am glad you are feeling better about your decision.
My boyfriend and I celebrated our three year anniversary yesterday. All we did was go out to dinner with his mom for Mother's Day and then we saw a movie. It was simple, but nice. I don't think the baby liked the noise in the movie, though. He kept kicking really hard and punching me, too.
As for me, it's finals week. I probably won't be on here until the weekend because of studying. I'm so stressed but it will be over soon!
Had a non-stress test today. Heart rate was good and steady for the 20 minute test, and the machine showed I had 2 contractions about 9 minutes apart. I didn't feel them at all....doctor appointment on Thursday morning to FINALLY get checked for dilation.
Hello Ladies!! So I've been scarce, but I've got a good reason. Last week we finally closed on our house, and now we're all moved in. Thank goodness - it's been a terribly busy week and several weeks up to this week. My parents came up this weekend and decorated the nursery - so I am finally feeling like everything is all worked out.
Keller - what a beautiful baby!
Amanda - I hope your baby gets here soon - I know you've got to be getting impatient now.
Mindi - Glad your baby is healthy, looks like it won't be too much longer for you
Sakai - I'm praying for you (I hope that doesn't offend any here), and what a challenging situation you're currently in. I'm sorry that you're feeling pressure from your family, and I hope that you have several close friends and family members that you can go to for emotional support through everything.
Keep on keeping on - I know we'll all be in a new phase soon.
