Mindi hasn't logged in since the 16th! I wonder if there's an update??

Manda- such sweet pictures. ^.^ I love his cute little monkey pj's! I'm glad you're doing good.


My time in Labor and delivery kinda made it hit home that I am about to have a baby. I'm freaking out. I don't feel ready at all for this.

An older co-worker friend of mine said. If I keep her or not... my life is never going to be the same. I'm afraid that I'll be depressed forever. But if I keep her, I'm afraid I'll be the grumpy, unhapppy, over worked mother.

I don't know how to be a mother. My mom seperated from my dad when I was about 2 and he had custody of me. My Aunt helpped raise me. She wasn't the best mother, tired and mean all the time with me and her three sons. We got left home alone often while she was working. We would be only 12 years and younger. I don't want my little girl to have to take care of herself while we're working/sleeping.

With pressure coming from all over, It sucks to say I still don't know what I'm going to do.

Ugh, I feel like such a downer everytime I post here. -.-

CONGRATULATIONS!!! and yes, your midwife is not lying - but also remember to take it easy. Your body is going through a lot of healing and with the hemorrhage, it zaps you even more (I hemorrhaged too). For the longest time I thought my soreness was the stitches - seems I also developed a hemorrhoid while pushing and that caused a lot of my extended discomfort (I tore all the way thru with my first - 3rd degree, just a tiny bit with my second).

Congratulations to Keller and Mandalinn! Beautiful babies!

Beautiful baby boy, Manda, congratulations ! By the way babies can't tell time , day or night makes no differance to them it always seems to me that some of them enjoy being awake all night with new Mom just wishing she could get some sleep.

Amanda he is beautiful!!!!!!

Sakai - that must have been so tense in L&D. I can not tell you that if you keep your babe that life will be blissful all the time and you will just know how to mother because it most likely wont (that is the reality of most mothers). There are times when you just feel crazy and like you don't know what you are doing and you just wish the baby would stop crying but we all go through that and it is ok. There are also lots of moments that are lovely and sweet and you feel like "Hey I am a pretty good mama" For me I love lying in bed before DS goes to sleep and talking about our highs and lows for the day. He always says "My high is loving you mama" Seriously that melts my heart and makes all the work, sleeplessness, worry, debt, etc worth it. He is a great kid who knows he is loved and feels safe, secure and happy so I know we must be doing something right I always say that my high is "being your mama" and he smiles and snuggles me up.

I had a crappy upbringing as well. I was a "mistake" and knew it all my life. My parents were forced to marry and they had a really unhealthy relationship and spent most of their time trying to get back at each other for affairs, wrong doings etc. We hardly ever had food in our house and my parents were rarely home. We spent a lot of time with my dad's parents. I did not feel loved unconditionally when I was growing up and I delt with a lot of anxiety and depression most of my life (well until I met my DH and he helped heal me) I knew that when I became a mother the thing I really wanted my child/children to understand is that they are loved unconditionally. Right now we don't have much money, I gave up my full time position to be with DS. We have a fair amount of debt and a lot of times I have to say to DS "No we can not buy that as it costs too much money and I only have money for food right now" But he is fine with that, he smiles and says ok mama. We spent lots of time together as a family and we go to the park and he loves that. I buy a lot of his clothes at second hand stores and he loves his clothes. I figure that my children are only little for a bit and I want to be there for them now. I pay the minimum on our debt and try not to run up more if possible and figure I will pay it down sometime later. The last couple of years I did take on a daycare kid and last year started working at DS' preschool to make some extra money. Now I have had to give those things up. I am currently trying to figure out what I can do at home while the baby sleeps or I wear her and DS is at school to make some money.

Sorry this is such a long post but I just want you to know that it is possible to be a good mama even without good role models (also you can go to groups of mamas that share similar philosophies as you. For me it was Le Leche Leaque and a babywearing group) I also do tons of reading and can suggest some great attachment parenting (healthy attachment parenting ) books. That not having "enough" money is something that you can work around and making sacrifices can go a long way. That yes there are tough moments but that there are lots of really great moments. I love being a mama even though I am not always the mama I wish I was. This baby I am pregnant with now was not expected but I will never ever let her think she was not wanted or loved. Life will be hard but I think that helps to build strong character and resilience in our kids if they feel loved and respected (which costs nothing ) I wish you lots of peace and love in your last few weeks of pregnancy and in your decision about your daughter. I think you have a lot of stuff going for you like a supportive loving partner and lots of love for your baby. What ever decision you make remember that there are never "perfect" decisions in life and it was made with a lot of love and out of the heart of a mother.

Spencer is beautiful, Amanda! Goodness, I always forget how tiny they are. Your midwife is right, the pain and swelling go down every day. And, as far as the sleep goes, most babies are born with their days and nights reversed. It generally only takes 2-3 weeks for it to right itself. Hang in there, the first 6 weeks are definitely the most exhausting. You and Sarah can do it!

This is so true. I had a horrible, crappy, abuse-filled childhood and I have overcome that to raise healthy, happy, well-adjusted kids. I know you are struggling with choices, but know that you can be a great mom even if you never had a great role model.

(Also, intercourse can trigger contractions which might be why you were feeling them the other day.)

Amanda, I love the monkey pjs!!!! And the picture of you and baby and wifey is soooooo lovely

butterfly: Sorry about losing all the info on the computer. Also, what helped you decide on cloth diapers? I've talked to a lot of people (who did and did not do cloth diapers, most of those who didn't wish they had) and read a lot of info online, but I like hearing from more people. Especially my 3fc mamas

Sakai: *hugs* Someone once told me something interesting about kids. "Do you know how you spell love to a child? T-I-M-E." Whatever your decision is with your daughter, she will know that she loves you when you can spend a little time with her. My goddaughter LOVES my DF and he sees her probably 3-4 times a year. (He is a baby whisperer, so I know he'll be a great dad ) Kids don't mind who puts clothes on their backs or feeds them, they care who gives them hugs and who plays pretend with them. If you and your DF decide that you two will not be the ones that can raise her, you will definitely be the ones who can and will love her. I try to tread very gently on the topic of adoption. I don't want you to feel like you're giving away your child and can never see her again, or that anyone is pushing you to go one direction or the other. And also I am a hugger. *BIG HUGS!*

*hugs!!!*
Thanks everyone. I was having a bad moment. My grandmother called again and tried to talk me into keeping the baby again and it really upset me. I feel I'm letting her down and being a disapointment. She said she sees no difference in placing the baby with stranger, or with my cousin who lives on the very other side of the US. Which hurt.
She says she just dosn't want to see depression ruin my life, because I'll never get over it and regret it forever.

Which is scary.

I know their's help out there and my dr. already knows about the adoption and my struggles and wants to start me on meds for depression soon after the birth. She says I'm already getting to that point but I didn't want to take anything while still pregnant.

I'm tired of people asking if i'm excited because the birth is so close and truthfully...no, I'm not excited, I'm dreading it. I really want to meet this little girl, but then i have to say goodbye. It's just hard to get this across to people. No one looks foreard to sending their loved one far away.

On a different note: I'm 37 weeks now. i guess that's full term and she could come any day now. I hope to go into labor sooner rather than later because all the OB dr.'s will be out of town the 7-9th and i'm due on the 10th. (thanks docs)

MindiV- what's happening!! any update? it's been 4 days...is the little one here now? ^.^ oh, i'm so nosy..

Bianca - We did cloth diapers with our first (Fuzzi Bunz, loved them!) The reason we didn't do it with our second and won't be with our third is simply because they are so close together. I had 2 in diapers for about a year and will have 2 in diapers again when little mister arrives. I honestly can't keep up with the demands of the laundry. It's another 5 loads per week for 2 in diapers, and I can't keep up with all the laundry that me, my DH and 2 toddlers create... and another infant will be a lot more. Also, we don't really have a good place to keep a diaper pail. Contrary to the propaganda, diaper pails stink (which makes sense) and in our tiny house it made the whole house smell like pee. Blech. So, just my 2 cents.

Hi ladies -- two babies down and more to come

I'm ready for baby Jon to be here, hopefully it won't be too much longer. I've having huge feet swelling issues and it doesn't seem to matter how much I rest or how much water I drink it seems to continue on. The Dr. isn't too worried about it though, my blood pressure has stayed down on the low end of normal so apparently I'm just puffy :O

Good luck all...

Sakai - I just want to say, I've been reading this thread through the majority of it and I commend you SO MUCH for thinking about your baby's needs first and foremost. And I'm so sorry that you are being pressured by family and being even more torn in two with making this heart wrenching decision.

Whatever you decide in the end, feel good about your decision. A lot of thought and love went into it and you can always feel confident about that - you did it all for the best of the child and she can only respect that of you now and forever.

"I" respect you for it. I wish more people would put as much thought into what's best for the baby as you have. Truly.

Spencer is gorgeous Amanda!!!

Yes, there's an update. And a little Laney Jae!

On Thursday, I woke up at the normal time. I'd had some low cramping the night before but nothing major. Then as I was changing into my yoga clothes at 5:15 am my water broke! DH was already gone to work and was hours away so I called him, then called my SIL to come help me because I wasn't even able to get off the toilet to do ANYTHING for all the fluid. Later I found out I leaked so slowly because the tear was at the top rather than the bottom. The nurses said they'd never seen so much fluid.

Anyway, I got to the hospital at 6 am because we had no CLUE if I was dilated or not. I wasn't contracting, but I was literally supposed to go to the doctor at 9:30 that morning to get checked for the first time. Anyway, doc came in at 7 am and I was 1 cm dilated. He let me go on 'til 1 pm on my own before Pitocin was started. I got my epidural at 9 pm when the contractions were a little too much and I was 4-5 cm dilated, and started pushing at about 1:30 am.

Laney Jae was born at 2:26 am Friday, May 18, weighing in at 8 pounds, 11 ounces. She was 21 inches long and had a 14.5 inch head! big girlie! We went home Saturday, and I was on my own with her Monday. Kinda overwhelming! Today my SIL came over this morning and helped out, and DH has been WONDERFUL helping as much as he can. Had some tearing as she came out, so I have some stitches and have to take it easy. And it's been hard waiting on my milk to come in so we've started supplementing with formula. She had lost nearly a pound at her little checkup on Monday

Barring any problems we don't go back to the doctor again until she's 2 months old. We go for a blood draw at 2 weeks at the hospital, and she has to have her hearing test again. The machine was broken before we were discharged, then we went yesterday but she had reached the point of being really hungry and didn't want to sit still for it.

But life is good! I'm working on pictures now so I'll share some soon!

OH! And it was interesting...my 18/20 week sonogram said she was due May 13, but then that came and went. My "official" due date was May 21. But judging from the dryness of her skin and length of her nails and all, the doc and nurses were saying they estimate she was about a week LATE being born on May 18. So maybe May 13 was correct all along...

Congratulations, Mindi! Looking forward to those pictures!