Georgette- have you considered counseling? It might help you work through some of your struggles. If you find the right therapist for you....
I struggled with stuff for years before I found group therapy. My parents, particularly my father, were very much the "don't make your dirty laundry public" and if you expressed interest in seeing a therapist you were "crazy". Even after my father had electro-shock therapy for major depression it was something that I wasn't "supposed to" do.
I went to an "adult children of alcoholics" (as is was called in its day) group. I was astonished that there were others out there who shared my problems. It helped immensely to know I wasn't totally alone. I had to do a lot of work on things after that initial group but it was what started my "healthy self" journey. I never used 12 steps as I found them to be semi-religious and I don't believe in any "higher power". But you find what you need and what is right for you. You just have to start looking and then keep moving forward.
I did the same thing with 3FC for weight loss and then maintenance. :
Dagmar, 3FC was my 2nd online support group. I used an online diary thing for quitting smoking and was amazed at how helpful it was!
As far as counseling, I absolutely will consider it if this continues to bother me. I saw a counselor about 5 years ago for compulsive eating. Her take was that my eating was overall normal, and in the end I didn't find the therapy helpful. She was a bit overweight herself, whether that has anything to do with it or not, I can't say. But she was not invested in seeing my compulsive eating as a problem, and it seemed her goal was for me to see my eating as normal (which it is, for a lot of people in the USA, but leads to unhealthy weight gain for me.) When I expressed that I didn't feel like we were getting anywhere and I wished the treatment goals were more clear, she didn't offer treatment goals or a concrete plan at that time, so I dropped her.
I then saw another counselor about 2 years ago. I had monthly visits with her, which focused on CBT-style emotional awareness and tools for management so I would not act out with food. I went in with a really clear idea of what I wanted and for the most part I got that. We talked a fair amt about alcohol and my level and style of use, and she wasn't particularly concerned. And I felt like I was no longer struggling pretty quickly. We probably had 5 monthly visits.
Right now, I really do feel like a lot of what is going on is triggered by both hormonal and situational issues that will resolve naturally on their own. I am already feeling much better after committing to NOT talking about it with every person that will listen. Part of this cycle for me is getting super obsessive and talking about it all the time. I did pretty well today and avoided it consciously multiple times, but then it came up naturally in a chat in the evening, and I got into it. I wish I hadn't dived in as deep (my "sick" self LOVES going there!!!!) but it wasn't too awful and I managed to pull out of the tail spin pretty well without burning too much social capitol, I think!
I am definitely in a "can I have my cake and eat it too" phase, with both eating and drinking, and socializing etc. I guess my life is so easy, I'm looking for ways to maximize my experience. I'm living pretty high on Maslow's pyramid of need, I think. My job is part time and pays the bills. My marriage is healthy. My kid is doing ok. So what do I work on? I know I can lose weight if I totally avoid sweets, for example, but can I be moderate with them? Can I be moderate with booze? Can I be moderate with relationships? Can I enjoy all these lovely "treats" of life without having them eat me alive? It's probably a dangerous challenge for a lot of people, and it may prove to be dangerous for me too. I would say that overall I'm vigilant and not willing to sacrifice my peace of mind for very long. Being here is a big part of that.
Thanks again for listening! I'm clearly in over-share mode.
OMG, my in-laws were big into pot when DH was growing up. He said he'd come home from school some days and they'd be stoned and listening to music. Now that pot is legal here, my in-laws decided they needed to go to a dispensary and load up. They bought two ounces of two different strains and two vape pipes. They proudly displayed all this one evening when we were over for dinner. MIL did one vape before dinner. Now let me tell you about my MIL. She doesn't have an inner dialog. All the things "normal" people think to themselves (like, I need to go feed the cats, and put away the dishes--things like that) she says out loud. Everything. Out. Loud. She also seems to have ADD--cannot accomplish one task without being distracted to do this, that and the other thing. Watching her cook is beyond comprehension. Slicing a tomato takes ten minutes because she has to go feed the cats in the middle. But I digress. Well, her doing a little pot exacerbated this talkativeness to the nth degree. So, she said she'd been vaping before her golf games with her league. She says it really calms her down and that everyone thinks she's so much more fun to be around. We've golfed with her a couple of times and I can tell when she's vaped and when she hasn't. So half-way through a round the other day she exclaimed "oh, I forgot to vape!" To which I said, "I know, I can tell." She asked how and I said you talk a lot, you say every thought out loud and when you vape that talking a lot increases dramatically. You really talk a lot. My FIL high fived me for that. But then a week later I found out from my SIL that my MIL has been on anti-depressants for five years and she thinks that the pot smoking is her way of trying to get off the meds. Now I feel bad I said anything.
Hi all, it’s been a long time. Life for us has gone entirely sideways. I’ve not caught up on here, sorry if I’ve missed anyone’s major life events. We have had our now 11 year old adoptive daughter for 4 months. I struggle to explain it to anyone who’s not been through it. Imagine a child who has been through severe trauma every single year of her life. Her need for control, her hypervigilance, anger and anxiety are through the roof. As a result, she cannot be alone for a second, ever. She clings to one of us, mostly me, and will not permit any separation even of a few feet. She is angry if I get up to do anything – laundry, make dinner. She also has suffered a lot of secondhand sexual abuse and as a result cannot deal with normal families. For example, I am not allowed to ever be in the same room as DH without her there – if I try to go have a conversation with him somewhere else she comes running. She is furious if we have the door closed even for a second. I had to sleep with her for the first 3 months, now I have transitioned her into her own room but I have to sleep in the room next to her. DH and I are not “allowed” to be in the same bed ever. I am also not allowed to ever touch alcohol – she constantly smells my breath and monitors all of the alcohol in the house. DH is allowed to drink, apparently not a concern for her. And the arguing – oh lord. She has been allowed to do whatever she wants including watch rated R movies at 6 years old; binge on candy and chips; watch TV and play with cell phones constantly (these are easy babysitters); and not go to school or do work. Thankfully her last foster home created a strong framework for her and they were able to make so much progress on much of this. But they have 7 kids and didn’t have the time to bond with her as parents. So now she is having to make up for so much that she didn’t get before. She swings from 11 year old to 4 year old suddenly, and always wants to sit in my lab and get piggyback rides (she weighs more than we do, it’s not easy). And they didn’t have time for tutoring or anything, so we’re trying to help her catch up but she fights anything that resembles schoolwork at home.
I don’t mean to downplay the progress that’s been made, because it has. It’s just glacially slow and my own anxiety and stress is destroying me. I don’t sleep much anymore and food tastes terrible. I’ve lost a bunch of weight, and am so depressed most of the time that I struggle to smile. I’m not suicidal – DH and I agree that we would never do that to one another, and leave the other alone with DD. But nearly everything that made me happy has been taken away – exercise, sleep, my relationship with DH, alone time to read or take a bath or just be quiet. Again, small progress has been made. I can sometimes escape for a bit of exercise now. But another issue is how badly I’m doing at work. When I realized just how hard this would be, I tried to take family leave. They convinced me to stay if my coworkers covered my hospital duty (and they are, those wonderful ladies). But I’m still left with the research lab and teaching (both things that no one can cover at this time, hence the no-leave recommendation). And I’m beyond distracted – I just don’t care. I snap at everyone, especially my deadweight grad student. I’m never prepared well enough. I’m late to meetings. Things that used to bother me have now become background noise to the constant pounding of my own stress in my head.
(((JayZeeJay))) I really hope you have found a foster/adoption support group somewhere along the way. Most people don't know how real the nightmare of parenting these very damaged kids is. Meeting people who do understand is important. It's amazing that you can get out to work out some. WTG with the self-care in the midst of the hurricane that your home life has become.
Another story, for what it's worth. My sister has a similar, though not the same, adoption story. I have watched with heartache as her career (lawyer), marriage, self-care, sanity, and faith have been eroded caring for her adopted son. It is a worthy fight, of course, but it has eaten her alive. The bright side for my sister is that she has gotten a LOT of therapy and learned so much about herself and what she can and can't do and be. She is a stronger, more compassionate person because of what she has gone through.
Because her son became so violent at home (at one time locking all the "safe space" doors quietly and calmly before attacking her) he's been in a residential behavioral health placement since last spring. He should be going home in March. The break from hypervigilance at all times at home has been a wonderful reprieve, and we all hope that there will be some lasting healing for him that has happened over the past year of intensive therapy in the residential placement.
I will echo the well-wishes of the others here. I'm sending up prayers for healing for your daughter and an easing of the home experience.
JZJ - I am so sorry that this has been so complicated. I second the support recommendation - make sure that you find some way to take care of you in this, so you can take care of her. Big hugs to you.
JayZeeJay, I feel so terrible for you Do you have an assigned social worker? And do they provide a counselor for DD? I only know how it works in California, because my SD adopted three sisters ages 8.10,11 (now 14,16,18). They didn't have near the problems your child has, but problems nonetheless. One thing my SD had to learn was to stop trying to be a friend to her children, and just be a mom. Being a mom means sometimes having them hate you and standing your ground. Draw on your knowledge of animal behavior to remind yourself that when you set boundaries, the tantrums will get worse before they get better. I think you really need the help of a behavioral psychologist who can help you with a plan of desensitization. Sometimes I wonder what the social workers are thinking to place a child with such high needs with two parents who work full time. Surely there are other households where one person is a stay-at-home parent! Please keep talking about your problems, because we want to support you!!
Wow, JayZeeJay. Just wow. My heart breaks for you and what you are going through. As others have said, I pray it will get better. You all are certainly in my prayers. I can only imagine.
At my school, we've had kids (foster/adoption/etc.) that have had awful backgrounds, and I've only glimpsed the havoc that they can cause at school. I hope you are getting or can soon get the support you need for yourself, your marriage, and your daughter. Please do update us when you can.
First Christmas event coming up this Friday. DH's work is having their party. It's at a bar/restaurant they remodelled and it's a nice place. No sit down dinner or anything, just hot and cold snacks. Should be fine as long as I stay at the other end of the room, away from the buffet table.
I had my first event last night, as well. I did alright. Def ate some junk, but wasn't "in the food" the whole time. Good enough.
I have rekindled a practice of sending a daily review to my old 12 step sponsor. It's a good way to stay a little saner. The hormonal high seems to have died down, as well, which is making life more manageable. Yay!
I navigated my first holiday event yesterday too-- differently though-- I skipped it altogether. It was an optional after work event and I knew there would just be tons of sweets and I'm still hacking up a lung, so went home instead....
Oh boy-- I'm struggling today already!
We've decided to put Wilbur to sleep tomorrow. He's literally the best cat that ever lived. The sweetest, most amazing cat... He is 16.5 and I'm sooo sad.... I'm at work crying off my makeup and trying to pull myself together.
I know there are many treats planned today as it is our monthly birthday celebration. Food won't make me feel better, right??
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I hope this is a transitional thing for your adoptive child and that you all will find a bit of peace and calm soon.
