Did anyone face a promiscuity issue after losing a lot of weight?
That's where I'm at right now. I went through the compulsive shopping episodes, and now I'm in the compulsive "sleeping around" episodes. I've been with 3 men in the past 4 days. I don't get it. I was a proud virgin up until I was nearly 24 years old. And now I have a few drinks, and it's open season. I was pretty good at rejecting advances before, and now it's like I welcome them and I desperately want the attention. I used to shop a lot, but since I got sick, and the economy isn't the greatest, I have a lot less money to spend. Why do I always have to have *something* to over-indulge in? I've heard about swapping one addiction for another, but I still struggle with overeating like the dickens. And drinking as well, which of course exasperates the eating and being more "amorous." I know I need therapy for my variety of issues, but I'm not able to start until September. What should I do in the meantime? Anyone else been through the same thing? I always joke around and say, "well I'm making up for lost time," but I sure don't feel good when morning rolls around.
I had this. Bad! It's funny because you feel good about yourself for losing the weight, you feel sexy, hot, and then you feel like crap the day after you've been with someone.
Be careful. Part of the reason I crashed so hard a few years ago is because of this very thing. I don't know you but I could guess that you still maybe have some self-worth/insecurity issues. I had a complete nervous breakdown and lost everything (well, not surprising, I was married at the time this was going on) - my relationship, my job, my house, my friends (didn't help that I slept with one of my friends brothers... AT HER WEDDING), EVERYTHING.
I don't want to scare you, but I just think maybe you need to really think about why you are moving in this direction and what it's saying to you about yourself. I would hate for anyone to go through what I did, because believe me, it sucked, HARD.
If you can't start therapy until September, then maybe you can keep a journal daily for yourself to write down anything that you are thinking/ feeling and maybe even stay away from situations that could mean drinking or eating too much. Do you have a friend you can confide in? Someone you can really be yourself and be honest with? Reach out to someone who can support you - I did it and it helped me and I'm finally in a good place again (I also went to therapy much later and that helped too).
AND... if you EVER want to talk to me, PM me any time, I can also send you my direct email address and we can exchange phone numbers (I have excellent rates to the US) and I can call you if you need someone.
One of the ways I validate my behavior is that I'm SUPER careful (Fort Knox against getting pregnant) but I know the various sorts of protection isn't effective against all STD's, which I'm only slightly concerned about, which also confuses me. I have a "pseudo-psychiatrist" friend who I tell everything to, but she is adamant about therapy, which I can't get until September (and I can't compromise my job at all because I haven't been working for the past 3.5 months recovering from my illness/surgery). I used to shop like a madwoman when I was working and had the extra cash, but now since I went through my savings in the past few months, I don't have a lot extra, so I can't shop, so now it's sort of like I'm turning to men. And what gets me is that I *still* have the urge to overeat. After I came home tonight (from my ex's place), I just wanted to eat the entire contents of my cabinets and fridge. I don't get it. And I finished off my bottle of Smirnoff, and I still wanted to eat. It's so confusing. It seems like I have co-addictions to everything all at once. I sit in my apt, all alone, and I think "I need a drink. I need a man. I need a pizza." And then I go out and get all of those things. I used to just go to Super-Walmart and buy some DVDs or clothes. Now I'm texting my ex. It's the hat trick. I need 3 over-indulgences. I can't have a glass of wine on a weekend night -- I need a bottle of vodka or rum. I can't eat a Lean Cuisine pizza. I need to eat a whole cardboard pizza. I need to have sex with two guys. This isn't me. This was never me. It's getting more and more out of control. I love my new body, but abusing it like this was never in my plans. And after nearly dying just a few months ago, how dare I treat it like this? Hasn't it been through enough? I need help. I pretend to have everything together, but I'm so lost. I don't want to live like this anymore.
All I can say is, I totally understand. I really do.
I KNOW it's easier said than done, but you HAVE to then find something else to replace these "needs" you have. If you can't go to therapy now, then there has to be some other replacement out there. Do you have any hobbies? Could you throw yourself into fitness or jogging? Could you set a little challenge for yourself like no alcohol during the week and limited on weekends and set up some sort of reward system that doesn't cost you a lot of money?
I did all of these things - which is how I gained all my weight back as well - I was pretty much trying to kill myself without actually saying to anyone that I wanted to be dead (but at the time I wished I were dead).
If you don't want to live like this anymore STOP right now. The buck stops right here. You don't HAVE to do this to yourself, you don't even want to. Keep talking about it and let others be there for you to help you.
Reading your posts and telling you my own side of things is making me feel very emotional. It's a while ago now (a few years) since I went through this but the wounds are still a little bit fresh. PLEASE don't do what I did. Stop yourself and turn it around before it's too late. I KNOW you can, you just have to believe you can too.
Write down everything you think you can do positively for yourself and start each day with one thing at a time. If you can't buy DVD's and books and things like that to take your mind off of stuff for now, let me know and I'll gladly find you and send you anything I can get my hands on. I am more than happy to do this - I want to help you
Gosh... I'd say, you need to stop the drinking. That's probably not something you want to hear... Do you have AA in your neck of the woods? You might go to an open meeting just to hear what they have to say. You don't have to "be an alcoholic" to get more information...
The sexual behavior is troublesome--I realize you're taking precautions against pregnancy, but there are a lot of other dangers involved, not the least of which is that you have no idea who you're going to bed with.
Is it an insurance issue that's stopping you from getting counseling? It would sure be worth paying for a few sessions yourself out of pocket, if you can find someone. Really! You may think you can't afford it, but if you're going through a bottle of vodka every few days, then probably you can...
Try AA first--it's free--you'll learn something--and go from there.
First off, I would like to say that I think you are so brave to be able to ask for help and to be so honest. You are a strong woman, just a little lost right now. You HAVE to go and talk to a professional. Call your local YWCA and tell them you are in crisis right now and they should be able to hook you up with a counselor. You KNOW you are abusing yourself, now you need to find out WHY. My relationship with my father was abusive, and I did many of the things you are talking about when I was younger to fill the void my father left in me. I went to counseling for a year about 2 years ago and I am STILL working on myself. I seriously wish I could give you a hug, I KNOW how hard this is. Please make a call today. You are worth EVERYTHING.
i dunno, f**k it like, sex is good fun. people get way too hung up and guilty about it. sounds like you mainly need someone to talk to or 'sound off' against. doesn't sound like you're too much more mixed up than anyone else. sex is good but maybe try and connect more with people you sleep with. sleeping with creeps is never fun.
Here is a poem by Maya Angelou that makes me feel powerful:
Still I Rise
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
I agree with the journal idea, and AA. Like any addiction/habit, we have to hold ourselves accountable and those are good ways to look at yourself "from the outside" so to speak. I think you're very brave for airing that in such an open forum and asking for help. Kudos to you! I hope you find your way!! As strong as you are, I have no doubt you will as long as you don't give up.
i dunno, f**k it like, sex is good fun. people get way too hung up and guilty about it. sounds like you mainly need someone to talk to or 'sound off' against. doesn't sound like you're too much more mixed up than anyone else. sex is good but maybe try and connect more with people you sleep with. sleeping with creeps is never fun.
I agree, sex IS good fun. BUT, having sex with strangers is a disaster waiting to happen. I just took care of an HIV positive patient with the most disgusting genital herpes. If you saw this person, I promise you...you would have NO IDEA that he had HIV. Pretty scary.
I do not think AA is the answer. She needs some help, but alcohol is just temporarily filling whatever void she has. Believe me, I've BEEN to AA and it's not me and it didn't help. This is a self-esteem issue, not an alcoholic one.
Just my two eurocents. Not worth much as I'm not an expert, but I've been exactly in the same situation.
All I know is when I was looking pretty good but still engaging in a daily battle with food, it was alcohol that threw the floodgates open to promiscuity and binging. Like all the inhibitions vanished, and I needed to feel good "right now"- so either the artificial high of booze, or phony attention from men who were as bombed as I was- and yes the next morning your self esteem is ever lower. This is hard, but you are bravely asking for input and I admire that. I could not even see what I was doing when I was in the throes of it. Best wishes. You are NOT alone.
I think a lot of young people go through a promiscuous phase. It hasn't happened to me (yet), but many of my friends had only had sex with one or two long term boyfriends. But then, when they would find themselves single for the first time since they were 18, they went through a year of just racking up the dudes. It was like they needed to get it out of their system. The difference is, they didn't feel bad about themselves for doing it. That's the part about your situation that concerns me. You should never feel bad or guilty about someone you just had sex with.
I don't really have any advice to give, I just wanted to say I hope some of the suggestions here work for you I completely understand about trading one addiction for another. I have been eating healthy for two years now, but have been in a plateau for a year. I haven't been able to lose any weight because I can't seem to not drink alcohol. I was getting drunk at least 3 or 4 nights a week, the majority of time by myself. I've managed to cut it back to drunk 1-2, nights and having "a drink or two" 3 or so nights. And I don't drink alone nearly as often. But it's awful because I know I couldn't go a week without a drink.
Just wanted to say to velveteen, if the problem with alcohol is a by-product of self-esteem issues, then it is true that AA may not be helpful.
But it's never very clear in situations like this which comes first. Although it is possible to eat a lot of food and have promiscuous sex without drinking, I will bet that alcohol comes first in many, many cases. I will say that it is a whole lot harder to wind up in bed with someone you don't know if you are stone cold sober... I speak from some experience... One does not have to "be alcoholic" to stop drinking just out of common sense.
Harpo, how are things going today? Are you feeling any more in control since you first posted?
I'm not drinking, which is good, and I won't be tonight, because I have to work tomorrow, and no plans for any guys coming over tonight. And next weekend I'm going home and have plans with my a couple of female friends, and we keep it dry. I feel more in control today, but I agree that alcohol has played a large part in my activities this past week (although I was sober with one guy). I do need to quit drinking.
Did anyone face a promiscuity issue after losing a lot of weight?
