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Old 10-26-2005, 04:39 PM   #106  
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THE WORLD'S SHORTEST &HAPPIEST FAIRY TALE





Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"


And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and had shitloads of money and farted whenever he wanted.





THE END
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Old 10-26-2005, 04:57 PM   #107  
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I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. "Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," ..I was thinking quickly, "All Mums know this stuff. It's on the Mummy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mummy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy." ..... "Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.
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Old 11-08-2005, 10:23 AM   #108  
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This is an actual account as relayed
to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It
takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as
a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free
beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the **** is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure *what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shitfaced from
all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and p eppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
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Old 11-09-2005, 08:44 AM   #109  
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Love it, Carmen. I'm trying to control myself since I'm at work right now...but it is hysterical!
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Old 11-29-2005, 03:14 PM   #110  
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Subject: Life Explained


One day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your
house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give
you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?" So God agreed.

On the next day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span." The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty
long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?" And
God agreed.

On the next day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years." The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back theother forty?"
And God agreed again.

Then on the next day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry
and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years." But man said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the ow
gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back;
that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.
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Old 11-29-2005, 03:17 PM   #111  
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One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman,
He was into his sixth day of working overtime.
An angel appeared and said,
"Why are you spending so much time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her?
She has to be completely washable, but not plastic,
have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable
and able to run on diet coke and leftovers,
have a lap that can hold four children at one time,
have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart
-and she will do everything
with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements.
"Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model?
That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested.
"I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart.
She already heals herself when she is sick
AND can work 18 hours a day."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman.
"But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed,
"but I have also made her tough.
You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied,
"Not only will she be able to think,
she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something,
and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek.
"Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.
I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak,"
the Lord corrected,
"that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy,
her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love,
her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed.
"You are a genius, Lord.
You thought of everything!
Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness,
love, and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member,
yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes, and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run, or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
PLEASE pass this along to all your women friends and relative to remind them just how amazing
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Old 11-29-2005, 03:20 PM   #112  
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Carmen - I came to this thread today and just read the chili story...at work...laughing my guts out crying trying to be inconspicous here!! Not working too funny...!!!

Like the new one two...you sure get some good ones!! thanks for the laugh I needed it!

Beanie
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Old 12-01-2005, 12:59 PM   #113  
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Jesus' Dad's Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''

***********
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in
heaven, Harold is His name.
Amen."


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.
Finally, she decided to go solo.
I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."


A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are
sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
/>
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

***********************************************
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Old 12-01-2005, 01:52 PM   #114  
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Excellent, Star! I love humor like that!
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Old 12-01-2005, 02:04 PM   #115  
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star hilarious!

They reminde me of my sunday school kids, I have a little girl in my sunday school class who says the longest prayers and she tells EVERYTHING that happens in her house. She once prayed for her dad to "get some damn common sense, so he can sleep in mommy's bed again and she can watch TV on the couch." I was explaining that one to the kids forever.
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Old 12-05-2005, 09:37 AM   #116  
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!
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Old 12-05-2005, 12:24 PM   #117  
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Dang funny!!
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Old 12-06-2005, 10:08 AM   #118  
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A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."


With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river.

Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Smile, life is too short not to !!
If this brightened your day
Don't let it stop here
Pass it on with a smile
Keep spreading the Cheer.
See you..
at the river J
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Old 12-08-2005, 10:08 AM   #119  
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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he
remembers that it's
his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks
the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?

The salesperson answers, "Which one ,We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95

The amazed father asks: "What, Why is the Divorced Barbie
$265.95 and
the others are only $19.95>
The salesperson annoyingly answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie
comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends."
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Old 12-13-2005, 11:04 AM   #120  
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Sign posted in store window:

"Unattended children will be given expresso and a free puppy"

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